salutations in ejaculations!

in this very unfortunate self imposed incarcerational season that we are

now somewhat forced to follow fer the impend'n future (no thanx in part to that mentally deranged sociopathetik tang powdered bloated anal wart in the white house) minus apparently of course...all those CASPER crusaders who think that this is the end of times and plan to hide out from the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in some lobotomized institution of worship.,.patiently await'n instructions from their magical cloud superior who will protect them from all this evil

of course all of them will eventually succumb to 2 of thee most important

words found in the webster dictionary: NATURAL SELECTION

some beautiful music has even helped with the ease'n of the tensions... 

since we're all probably gonna loose'n our pensions (hey...how Dr. Seuss of me) with the cool style'ns of hot to trot grrrranimal Chris Mann

emotions are take'n there toll on the masses that are sitt'n on their asses

why...i was even told by a long time stalker of mine recently...that no one reads my planetary blog anymore and that they personally will no longer be stroke'n my unused ego...just cuz i merely sent it to them fer somethin' to pass their time...while they were pass'n a sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god

JEZUS...MARY-KATE and ASHLEY SIMPSON on a flaky graham cracker

crust...kitten puhleez...after 6 weeks in solitary confinement...the ONLY stroke'n that i'm look'n for is between my meaty thighs...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i DO NOT follow others fer advice...I AM FOLLOWED fer mine!

not sure how things are taught now in lobotomized class catholic school...

but back in the day when i was but a pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...forced to participate in those voodoo rituals durin' class with a room full of coma-toasted catholickers...very little was told about the tingle'n sensations that were race'n thru our milky fresh pre-pubic nubile bodies

my sex education classes consisted of 2 basic rules

#1  it's against CASPER's law and absolutely deplorable to involve yerself 

in ritualistic monkey love with someone have'n the same nibbly parts

#2  it's against CASPER's law and the #1 cause fer blindness simply by

"play'n with yer Pee Wee Herman"

"yank'n yer Yoda" or...

"make'n yer pogo stick puke"

or the hundreds of other nicknames referred to as "wake'n yer nibbly's from their nap"...plus many unscientific studies have proven this was the

main cause for mental fucktardation in most future political closet cases

well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...cuz the endless hours i spent above our garage...once fingers found flesh...after

rummage'n thru my cuz's garbage and meticulously remove'n the gerber servers from back issues of beaver hunt and leave'n me with the pile of tonsil ticklers as visual aids fer my numerous exploratory expeditions

i knew i was headed straight to the corner of Helen Keller Circle & Blindman’s Bluff

as my body began to change...so did the electricity surge'n thru my veins...and then one day it FINALLY happened...when i was have'n...

"my own private i-da-ho" moment...that the gates of Lucifer opened wide like the nuns spoke of...

and i gave myself my very first "pearl necklace"...which was very traumatize'n at the time...cuz i believed this was a punishment from CASPER thanx to those non fuck'n nuns...so i figered i had to rid my body of this obvious enjoyable evilness...sometimes at the rate of 10-15 times a day until i gave my one eyed willy serious rug burns and could no longer rub one out...

this of course would'a been alot less painful had i known about lather'n up in lubrication while perform'n self-fornication

it wasn't until i joined in on a weekly ritual with the chain wang gang a group friends "patty cake'n their baker's man" above another friend's

 garage...that i learned heaven truly is a place on earth...or at the very least...in a buddies garage...they know who they are so i will forgo mention'n any names...besides...they really wouldn't fit into my E true hollyweird story anyways

though i am reproductively retarded...i now know as a full grown wanker spanker...this is completely normal and a natural act of release'n stress...
and there's absolutely nothing wrong with "toss'n yer salad" from  time to

endless time when needed...though these days i just lay there like a dead hooker and let my informational highway speeders do that call of duty fer me...i mean i am an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...just make sure at the very least...there's a bucket of crisco near by

recently...a friend told me...a while back...of how she'd been runn'n thru vats of hair conditioner like it was goin outta style...and with only birth'n 2

moochers...each of the opposite sex...there was only one simple pimple solution to her conditioner dilemma...without embarrass'n the guilty gusher...i suggested she simply purchase stock in the merried of lubrication's on the market these days and slip it under his pillow...no words will ever need to be exchanged...as this is NOT a topic typically discussed between mother and child...and MOST non homosexual fathers have penile denial when it comes to teach'n the topic of "spank'n the monkey" with their lil horny toad

of course there are those CASPER crusade'n parents out there who are vehemently apposed to the touch'n of any tingly parts with their children...

that they would have to chastise for...so is yer lil Gabriel try'n to "blow his horn"?

perhaps Bethany is become'n a blasphemous bad girl by "sinn'n underneath her linen"

well don't fret my insane brain dead color'n book correctors...thanx to the makers at Control Toys...yer prayers have been answered...save yer son's

soul by strapp'n him into this easily assembled cross...fashioned after Mary's unbiological mistake from a one nite stand with CASPER...with comfortably adjustable canvas straps to help yer child control his urge to purge himself of the evilness within...until he is old enough to walk thru the pits of hell down the aisle...with his annoy'n tax write off that comes in 2 confessional colors...baptismal blueberry and deliver me from evil red

deliver yer daughter's from those evil dances with the devil...by buckel'n her into this blasphemous free jacket...made from 100% pure salvational cotton...completely hand washable with just enough wiggle room fer yer child to stop and think before they touch their purgatory palace...comes in many fashionable designs...or download yer own pentecostal design to shun them from their friends

have kids that just can't seem to purge that undeniable desirable urge?

no problem...have we got a camp fer YOU!...sigh em up and send em on their way down the righteous path to positive purity and a blessed life...free of those impure thoughts...it's lobotomized fun the whole family can enjoy!

so there ya have kittens...hopefully my insight into the naturally sinsational demonic lifestyle of  "spank'n the monkey" will make you think twice...

the next time you feel the need to "she bop"

or start "turn'n japanese"

save yerself from eternal damnation and just
GET OFF MY DRESS!

POP GOES THE WEASEL

oh the 80's...what decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high fashion...very high hair and a very high life

but fer me though...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high...libido and try'n to find the best...

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenage years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs...when my parachute pants would puff up and out like a pre-ejaculatory pop tart many many times durin' the day...which...without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a new mean'n to the word "carpet burns"...that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger (or perhaps lung remover) of them all...JEFF STRYKER...with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "dancing with myself" "in the midnite hour"...enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "cool rider" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S"...Maxwell Caulfield is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in GREASE 2...play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer Michelle Phieffer's affection...and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury in the south to own all yer own teeth...

not a specific requirement...still top this day...thankfully though these 2 "good ol' boys" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County...and though they weren't kiss'n cuz's...they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time,,,just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep show freebie's popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when Michael Schoeffling...played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in the cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...but the cherry on top of his career...(that i secretly wanted to be on top of) was have'n condoms named after him....it was grrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes when it came time to spank the monkey

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...you knew it was time to start turn'n japanese pleez!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic HE-MAN appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...he made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"...

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 season...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST"...with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

but B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T...was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

though he could shoot the millennium falcon in the kessel run in 

less than 12 parsecs in the 70's...he was any twinks hottest twilight daddy in the perverse universe by the 80's...who could make you blast yer liquid pearls over yer head...in bed...in under 10 seconds...once yer phalanges found flesh

well that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane...now if you would...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone else's house down fer a change

puhleez...get off my dress!

my own private i-da-ho

not sure how things are taught now in lobotomized class catholic school...

but back in the day when i was but a pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...forced to participate in the voodoo rituals in a classroom full of coma-toasted Catholickers...very lil was told about the tingle'n sensations that were race'n thru our milky fresh pre-pubic nubile bodies

my sex education classes consisted of 2 basic rules :

#1  it's against CASPER's law and absolutely deplorable...

to involve yerself in ritualistic monkey love with someone have'n the same nibbley parts

#2  it's against CASPER's law and the #1 cause fer blindness...by...

"play'n with yer Pee Wee Herman"

"yank'n yer Yoda"

 

"make'n yer pogo stick puke"

or the hundreds of other nicknames referred to as "wake'n yer nibbley's from their nap"...plus many unscientific studies have proven this was the

main cause for mental retardation in most future political closet cases

well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...cuz the endless hours i used to spend above our garage...once fingers found flesh...after rummage'n thru my cuz's garbage and meticulously remove'n
the gerber servers from back issues of beaver hunt and leave'n me with the pile of tonsil ticklers as visual aids fer my numerous exploratory expeditions

as my body began to change...so did the electricity surge'n thru my veins...and then one day it FINALLY happened...when i was have'n...

"my own private i-da-ho" moment...that the gates of Lucifer opened wide like the nuns spoke of...

and i gave myself my very first "pearl necklace"...which was very traumatize'n at the time...cuz i believed this was a punishment from CASPER thanx to those non fuck'n nuns...so i figered i had to rid my body of this obvious enjoyable evilness...sometimes at the rate of 10-15 times a day until i gave my one eyed willy serious rug burns and could no longer rub one out...

this of course would'a been alot less painful had i know about lather'n up in lubrication while perform'n self-fornication

it wasn't until i joined in on a weekly ritual with the chain wang gang a group friends "patty cake'n their baker's man" above another friend's garage...

that i learned heaven truly is a place on earth...or at the very least...in a buddies garage...they know who they are so i will forgo mention'n any names...besides...they wouldn't fit into my E true hollyweird story anyways

though i am reproductively retarded...i know now as a full grown wanker spanker...this is completely normal and natural act of release'n stress...and there's absolutely nothing wrong with "toss'n yer salad" from time to time...

though these days i just lay there like a dead hooker and let my informational highway speeders do the the duty fer me...i mean i am an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...just make sure at the very least...there's a bucket of crisco near by

recently...a friend told me of how she'd been runn'n thru vats of hair conditioner like it was goin outta style...and with only birth'n 2 moochers...

each of the opposite sex...there was only one simple pimple solution to her conditioner dilemma...without embarrass'n the guilty gusher...i suggested she simply purchase stock in the merried of lubrication's on the market these days and slip it under his pillow...no words will ever need to be exchanged...as this is NOT a topic typically discussed between mother and child...and MOST  non homosexual fathers have penile denial when it comes to teach'n the topic of "spank'n the monkey"

of course there are those CASPER crusade'n parents out there who are vehemently apposed to the touch'n of any tingly parts with their children...

that they would have to chastise for...so is yer lil Gabriel try'n to "blow his horn"?

perhaps Bethany is become'n a blasphemous bad girl by "sinn'n underneath her linen"?

well don't fret my insane brain dead color'n book correctors...

thanx to the makers at Control Toys...yer prayers have been answered...

save yer son's soul by strapp'n him into this easily assembled cross fashioned after Mary's unbiological mistake from a one nite stand with CASPER...with comfortably adjustable canvas straps to help yer child control his urge to purge himself of the evilness within...until he is old enough to walk thru the pits of hell down the aisle...with his annoy'n tax write off...comes in 2 confessional colors...baptismal blueberry and deliver me from evil red

deliver yer daughter's from those evil dances with the devil...by buckel'n her into this blasphemous free jacket...made from 100% pure salvational cotton...completely hand washable with just enough wiggle room fer yer child to stop and think before they touch their purgatory palace...comes in many fashionable designs...or download yer own pentecostal design to shun them from their friends

have kids that just can't seem to purge that undeniable desirable urge?...

no problem...have we got a camp fer YOU!...sigh em up and send em on their way down the righteous path to positive purity and a blessed life free of those impure thoughts and lobotomized fun the whole family can enjoy!

so there ya have kittens...hopefully my insight into the naturally sinsational demonic lifestyle of  "spank'n the monkey" will make you think twice...

the next time you feel the need to "she bop"

or start "turn'n japanese"

now get off my dress!