CHILLY DECEPTION

everyone of us could use a lil help during these try'n times don'tcha think?

what...with old mister snow miser doin his best fuck'n fancy Fred Astaire tap dance'n bullshit thru-out the entire country this past week…from the north to the south…west coast to the east coast…it was more than enough to make anyone feel like a frozen bag of birds eye peas

i myself felt the brunt of old man winter wake'n up to icicles hang'n off my 

barely there eyebrows in my humble lil garden level shitbox at the begin'n of the week that i practically felt like Solo encased in carbonite til my landlord finally dropped off materials so i could saran wrap the hell outta my windows and cut the chill in half then i just scraped off the loose asbestos cling'n to life on the boiler and jammed it between my toes and slipped into my recycled kleenex boxes fer slippers

BUTT…that ain't the worst

the south took an awful beat'n like they were pop sensation Rhianna and

forced to date Chris Brown again...unfortunately the worst end of the fist ended up give'n a good left then right hook to Yosemite Sam's back yard...have'n a root'n toot'n time of it all thru out the entire state... 

leave'n millions of Jack's and jack-off's without power or a peaceful nights sleep

however...no one had suffered the worst of this very surprise blizzard than 

state senator and Star Search's very own anal suppository spokesmodel...Rafael Edward Cruz...who had had enough of live'n in his walk-in freezer so thank CHER fer his quick think'n pooch Snowflake who noticed the pierce'n sub-zero predicament he was in and booked Teddy and his pedigree an all inclusive vaca to bask and bake under the sizzle’n sun and sand…suck'n sangria's on the beautiful beaches of Cancun Mexico for the week while Snowflake decided to stay behind and tend to the natural disaster destroy'n the state's infrastructure and defend their castle from all terrorists foreign and domestic...

seriously though...we all know that Snowflake had an ulterrier motive to have the family removed from the premisses fer the week!

unfortunately...that bloated bunny was busted while try'n to escape the chill

at the airport…then tenaciously tried tap dance'n his way outta the web he weaved by tell'n the press that he was just a father who had to travel 1300 miles to find run's water…heat and electricity like any heroic father who cared for his daughters would...after of course throw'n his offsprings under the bus claim'n they asked Snowflake to book them the vacation getaway first and that he was plann'n on take'n the next plane back to the states to get down to the biz as to how this disastrous disaster was able to happen on his watch once they made it to the hotel safely

ummm...if #TedFled was the captain of the titanic...the unsinkable Molly Brown would most likely have been fed to the fish...guaranteed!

and don’t miss his directorial debut in the blockbuster hit of the next election cycle loosely based on actual events...Ted stars as the bloated slither’n anal wart who does his damnedest to flee the frigid temps of texas in the dead of nite to cross the border by use’n his own daughters at political shields to save his sorry ass!

and if that wasn't enough fer Fleddy Teddy to contend with…on top of all

that…one of his fav-o-rit support ho's and Francis Buxton's dopplegagger/slobber'n mouthpiece for misogyny towards women that has infected the GOP party slowly but effectively since the late 80's who made his bread and butter as thee most sadistic smarmy salamander to strike the airwaves with his blatant vile vulgarities towards xenophobia and racism…a drug addled slug who rejoiced by doin the boot skoot and boogie live on the air to the latest disco hits every time a non heterosexual would succumb to AIDS or AIDS adjacent illnesses

took his final last dance with the devil days before all the shit hit his fan page!

now there might be those kittens out there that would say that regardless of

Limburger's atrocious antics…viral viciousness and schlocky rhetoric that has caused callousness thru-out the country for 30 plus years…he still had 4 wives and a family that loved him dearly (insert sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain gods here) and that i outta be a wee bit more sensitive in his pass'n…i reflected on that thought for a moment and thought if his brothel of wives & his own family never spoke against him all these years...they are just as fuck’n vile...twisted and guilty as him...

then it hit me…late great screen goodness BETTE DAVIS had once spoke the most poignant yet comfort'n words of her dear friend JOAN CRAWFORD upon her death

"you should never say bad things about the dead…only good…Rush Limbaugh is DEAD…GOOD!"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

KNEE DEEP IN KAAKAA!

picture it kittens...it's the dawn of the 1300's...the renaissance fair begins

in italy in 1325...MING begins his destructive dynasty in chinatown in 1368...oh and that small pesky lil disease known as the bubonic plaque (known to the simple town folk simply as the black death) would seal the fate of about roughly 25 million (give or take a few mill...i mean come on...they weren't exactly fill'n out governmental issued census cards back then) from 1347 til just about christmas eve 1351 all across europe

thanx in part by those very unsanitary and unkempt relatives of Jerry and Mickey

though i will admit...i was not only fascinated by but highly impressed with 

the doctors Terry Mugler/S&M inspired couture smocks that they would  drape themselves in when fight'n this awfully dreadful disease...the detailed stitch work alone was absolutely impeccable!

thankfully...600 years later by the 1900's...the medical practices were a bit

more advanced and much better equipped to handle and help their fellow man try'na beat their ailments and everyday annoyances...with simple pimple solutions that they made up to the best of their knowledge...well...cuz they could

have'n issues try'na catch'n yer breath while desperately compete'n in 

that 5K run everyone's gonna be enter'n in after the church bizarre? then why not flick yer bic and try some of Dr. Batty's asthma cigarettes to keep all that huff'n and puff'n at bay

gotta high libido and can't seem to keep yer juiced up willy under wraps?

well don't fret my lil minx...cuz thanx to a few treatments of malariotherapy invented by austrian psychiatrist Julius Wagner-Jauregg... 

who earned himself a noble peace prize in 1927 by declare'n malarian riddled mosquitoes helped subside those irritate'n burn'n and itch'n sensations that one might experience after catch'n syphilis from that whore down the street...by induce'n a high fever...with only a 15% mortality rate...(hey...at least the odds gave you a better chance of whore'n it up alot more)

sick of all those tiresome calisthenic classes at the neighborhood gym

that practically would take roughly 4 hrs to get to by horse & buggy...just cuz you decided to have that extra pan of rhubarb crumble...that no amount of bustle'n could ever cover up?...thanx to the tape worm diet...it didn't matter how much junk you wanted to store in yer trunk

don't know how to stop give'n yerself all those painful rug burns cuz you

been sinn'n in yer linen beyond the recommended daily allowance by "choke'n the chicken" or "buff'n the muffin"? NO PROB!

thanx to Dr. John Harvey Kellogg who invented the popular wholesome family of flakes made from good christian corn...those impure thoughts were a thing of the past when you started yer day with a healthy bowl of anti-masturbatory flakes soaked in moo juice and washed em down with a glass of freshly squeezed sanctimonious juice!

and now with the mass hysteria that's revolved around the coronavirus

thru-out the entire planet...no one quite knows exactly what to do with themselves with all the miss information out there...though...if ya ask me...i say if ya ain't got a lime...then i don't want it!

BUTT of course...(insert whatever ya feel the need to here)

leave it to the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of cheeto 

dusted pig shit to try and calm the masses who sit on their asses...by announce'n to them at his latest insecurely egotistical maga tour...that the WHOLE THING is just a "HOAX" invented by the democrats to ruin his run fer 2020...and that those show'n any kinda symptoms are perfectly fine to get on the bus the next day fer work...lett'n his brain dead lobotomized audience know that he knows way more about the virus than the W.H.O. 

**DISCLAIMER**

in case ya ain't follow'n along...lemme clarify things...i ain't referr'n to those ritual bath'n sensations from the 60's

i'm talk'n about this band of experts kittens!

though a serious and sometimes even fatal disease...in most probable 

worst case scenarios...this disease...just like SARS...EBOLA and any annoy'n diseases that have manifested themselves within the past 20 years...will not reach the epic proportions of the 1300's ever again...thanx in part to W.H.O (but who really knows?) and though J.P. Gaultier had showcased some beautiful coulture masks at his last show in paris not too long ago...please take REAL ADVICE from REAL DOCTORS...and not from conspiracy terrorists...

like Pee Wee's pill popp'n loud mouthed bloated anal wart neighbor...who wants you to believe his assessment of the entire situation...

over the 25 yr experience from the CDC's (that's Center of Disease Control fer you non googlers) Dr Nancy Messonier...though i guess it's ultimately up to you to decide who you wanna believe

sure some might'a slagged off Miss Crawford fer her overly obtuse

obsessiveness when it came to Christina & Christopher's lack of OCD...but she was only look'n out fer their health!

though i myself would just as soon take medical advice from any of these

3 docs before i would EVER listen to a single damn word of advice about ANYTHING vomited outta the current WH assmenstruation!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

under the rainbow

with all the hubbub about the impend'n decision in regards to...

the SUPREME COURT recognize'n non heterosexual unification thru-out the land in a few short weeks...in order to milk the system of tax and health bennies like the rest of the population has been doin fer years...i thought it was time to play a lil game...since essentially that's what marriage really is

so i decided to pull out my ouija board and try to get in contact with a popular game show host from my pre-teen pansy past...and i was lucky enough to contact the original canker sore collector...

Richard Dawson...but cuz of copyright infringements and a ban from Mark Goodson to ever host any game show with his name attached to it...even from beyond the grave...i hadda make a couple of adjustments...so now it's time to play..

hands on yer buzzer...top 5 answers on the board...

we surveyed 100 people...

name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...

Richard...i'm gonna go with  DROUGHT...cuz california is have'n a terrible time these past 4 years with their agriculture...and global warm'n has nothin' to do with that...i know it's cuz our delusional almighty CASPER is pissed at the rampant runn'n around all those people with easy virtue have been doin fer centuries

can i see DROUGHT?

yer on the board...do you wanna play or pass?

Richard...i'm gonna play cuz we're a CASPER fear'n family...and we know he would want us to win

ok i see yer name is Richard too...huh...well how 'bout we just call ya Dick so there's no confusion...that ok with you Dick?...name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...got 1 of the 4 answers left?

Richard...i'm gonna go with THERAPY...cuz i was born in the great state of Texas...were cheaters always win...and winners always cheat...and the fact is...that those tulip sniffers need as much therapy as we can provide them to put them on the righteous track...even if it's been prove'n not to do a damn thing and cause more harm than help'n em...but hey...sounds like a good plan to me!

gimme some THERAPY...

good answer...you know that surprises me...but move'n on

Gertrude...i'm guess'n you applied yer poly grip this morn'n didn't you my love...can i getta kiss? there's 2 answers on the board...in order to stay in the game...gimme 1 of the 3 answers left up there on the board sweetness

Richard...i'm gonna go with WEBSITE...cuz after a long day of yahtzee tournaments at Our Lady of Rapturous Debauchery in Shreveport Louisiana where i was the state champion with my tic tac pie 3 years in a row...i like to kick back with a couple bottles of bottom of the barrel pinot grigio...knit afghans fer them Armenians...and surf the informational highway to my fav-o-rit site fer the latest word of the almighty...but those sneaky sodomites stole it out from under us...redirect'n me to some devil's playground of fornicational filth last weekend...so i been recite'n hail mary's with my bloody mary's on sunday til the situation is corrected

let me see WEBSITE...

well...to be fair Gertrude...if the owners of that site weren't spread their secretaries thighs...while spread'n their vicious lies around the internet...they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with...now would they?

how's my beautiful Norma doin? you know Norma...has anyone ever told you if you put a simple little L at the end of yer name...you might actually make sense?...just a thought...ok Norma...you gotta answer fer me love? by the way....i love that enchant'n smell yer wear'n...what do you call it?

hi Richard...i'm sooo glad to be here...thank you fer notice'n...yer smell'n my Ben-Gay...i rub it on my shoulders to fight my rheumatism...but as CASPER is my witness...i've never been gay...that's just a lil joke i like to say when people notice my smell...ok Richard...i'm gonna go with they shouldn't be allowed to marry cuz of that horrible TRAIN CRASH last week...i heard it on that news channel that bends the truth so they can get brain dead people like me to believe it...but i actually had a premonition of the same thing...it was scary...i think i could be an actual journalist on that program or somethin'...dont'cha think?

if it's there...yer still in the game...can i get a TRAIN CRASH?

luckily only 3 others mental cases believed you...just barely made it by those stubborn hairs on yer chiny chin chin

hello Richard...i just wanna give a shout out to all my local parishioners in Macon Georgia...my gingivitis is finally under control...i'd be as pickled as a peach on sunday if i could get a kiss from the late great Mr. Dawson...can ya hold onto my teeth while i pucker up?...and make it a good'n Richard...

ok Henrietta...i need an answer love...my hemorrhoids are really act'n up...

well Richard...i think i know the #1 answer...

is it cuz they worship that lil harlot that's hitt'n the road this year?

sorry my love...but that is a strike...gimme another answer and make it a good one this time..

ok...can i get one more kiss of death fer good luck Richard?...thanks...ok how about CAKE? cuz ya know...my fav-o-rit pill popp'n radio preacher...who's cherished the sanctity of marriage 4 times in the house of the Lord...was just say'n the other day on his program...that those meanie muslims are to blame fer hatred towards those flame'n fruit cakers...not us ignorantly righteous right wing-nuts with no sense of sensitivities to anyone but our own agendas...plus...i'm almost positive it says in the bible somewhere that those who shall believe in me shall not mix their poly blends or their ingredients fer those deviant throat plungers or carpet cleaners

if it's there...you'll win the game dear...let'em eat CAKE?

CONGRATULATIONS...yer family may have won the game...but you've also proved to yerself and those who follow in yer idiocy...you have ALOT to learn...anyone that believes that the definition of marriage dates back to biblical time and was meant to join a man and woman...HA!
let the schooling begin...

marriage originally originated as an agreement between 2 MEN and was specific to a business partnership...THAT'S RIGHT...2 MEN...it evolved to include more than business as is the case when supposedly Saint Serge married Saint Bacchus during a wedding ceremony witnessed by Jesus Christ. (that is if you wanna go that comic book route)

applying the modern day metric that 10% of the population is non heterosexual and bein' there were far less people on our planet back then...it was even more uncommon to see same gender couples....that people would come to forget the origin of marriage...emerge'n was a disdain for all things different from oneself or one's family...marriage eventually became limited to an arrangement decided by parents between first cousins...male and female and ultimately between non-related male and female

in short...it isn't gays and lesbians who perverted the tradition of marriage...it was the non homosexuals...first with their practice of incest and then with insecure short sighted views of this world and an inability to embrace...to learn from...and to evolve cuz of the magnificent differences in CASPER's "alleged" design of each person....but arranged hetero incest coupling?...seriously?...that's just FUCKED UP!

well...that's it fer this special episode of "FUCKED UP FEUD"....

now get off my dress!