CONFECTIONARY CHAOS pt. 2

don'tcha find it kinda funny how people say that you must always remain 

positive with life in order fer yer chakra and yer well bein' to be in balance so you can live a much longer more healthier and fruitful life and that if yer constantly bein negative in life it will only bring you closer to the grave? yet if you test negative fer #1 the HIV or #2 the COVID (as i had recently with both) then it's actually a completely positive thing fer yer life!

well then...is it really all that negative of me to positively wish the damn domino effect kicks in (after Ivana kicked the can over the weekend) fer her mentally deranged dickless orange puffer fish X? R.I.P. I.T! i guess you decide...however kittens...in short...

 

you can take yer kumbaya's and yer daily affirmations and stick it where the sun don't shine and swallow the advice that i stand by 100% from 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Florence Jean Castleberry!

ok this analogy has absofuckinlutely nothin' to do with today's follow-up...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those deliciously bad and tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on before move'n on and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to CONFECTIONARY CHAOS

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our taste buds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags of monetary madness!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps Magee's car

and proceeded to hatch a calculated plan completely ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of dyes to change our luscious locks to a completely different look than we had previously to our life of crime (see...this is where Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked it all up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm chestnut...if anyone asks

next up was to purchase one way tickets to some foreign country...

at the time i thought hmmm? Ottumwa Iowa seemed rather quiet plus i could hang out with Radar at the local soda shop and talk about his time in the trenches...hey i just figered if we layed low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all meet up at some undisclosed rendezvous point however after we figered there was no way Big Lipps Magee wouldn't get his ass kicked from here to Havana if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work...he just dropped me off at home and went on his merry lil way

BUTT wait...there's more

Joan had decided to leave town fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in 

Virginia (or maybe it was West...i don't know...it's not really that important to this story i just wanted to give you a visual backstory) so it was me and my 3 oldest sibs that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs so by the time i finally made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...turns out i had 2 enormous bags of quarters and feverishly devised a plan to cash them all in though that would have to wait til morn'n

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their stomach fillers the follow’n morn'n…

i turned on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program just to keep the lil monkeys tap dance'n while i tried to figer the best way to carry my new found loot to the bank

i went down to our Silence of the Lambs cellar and grabbed a handful 

of mason jars from Joan's cann'n collection...i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim so i packed them neatly in my pack back 

and whisked myself off to the bank before they would close by noon and too my surprise i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name...that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the shitty Shopper (cheap fucks and their slave labor)

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth so i called Big Lipps Magee to see what he had scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's will never appreciate the experience of a 1000 click  click click's of cd's case like us gen X'ers)

once inside i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me smack dab in the face at the front counter which would only cost me the low low price of $7.50 to adopt it so how could i go wrong? this was totally an omen cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never have went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was really meant to be

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps Magee dropped me off at home

but my younger sibs were gett'n restless since the saturday morn'n news was come'n to an end so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to lobotomize the lil ones a lil longer fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered try'na figer out how to wisely invest my new windfall

after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted on "ET" if i remember correctly and a lil unknown nonetheless important cumm'n of age foreign flick "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (though that was fer my own personal view'n pleasure with some of my friends)

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new Culture Club wallet contain'n my new converted Twinkie treasure in my back pocket which i then immediately and quite frantically ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets hunt’n fer it however after 10 minutes or so not find'n it i figered i probably dropped at my house so i huffy'd my plump and oh so supple A double snakes back home as fast as a hornet...flipp'n my entire bedroom upside down...i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly felt like the princess trapped in H-E-double hockey stix with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store

to ask the 2 town video whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

waid'a'minute! i never said what kinda wallet it was nor the color

of it…the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro's who weren't play'n around...not ONLY did i forgo the video rentals fer my sibs (and that one video nasty fer me and my friends) i also didn't get to relish in my new found wealth any longer...worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDER HOLY GRAIL!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me

moral of this story is ...karma is more than just a chameleon from the 80's

and that twinkies are not the chemically treated deliciousness that we were lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can possibly be charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream i fergot to not remember...ever!

WASTE MANAGEMENT pt. 1

born october 7th 1917...Eleanor Geisman was the all american flaxen

blonde with her girl next door "good looks" if you wanna call em that (hey...she don't float my boat...get over it!) who grew up in the Bronx inside the Big Apple with big dreams of starr'n on stage and screen all of which she did fer a few glorious decades...

BUTT unfortunately in the end...

her career L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y went down the shitter (with the Gen X'ers anyways) fer bein best known as the famous old broad who made shitt'n in yer shorts socially acceptable in yer twilight years...JUNE ALLYSON will ferever be known as the face of incontinence since most of her fans in her hay days either have their heads float'n around in a vat of cryogenic juice or are dead!

flash forward to 30 some years later and i myself would give that box

of bones (hey...she's been kick'n up daises since 2006...it's a give'n with science and all) a run fer her crown as i was gett'n myself scheduled fer my very 1st colon cleanse'n now that i have entered my 5th decade of destruction

i had heard horror stories fer years about the colonoscopy process

and was not look'n forward to the stigma attached to it all...mainly cuz i would have to finally admit that i am no longer the fresh nubile nancy that i once was (though i still DO NOT require any help from those lil blue pills kittens...well not yet anyways) however...i decided to pull up my big gurl culottes and made the appointment!

with the current covid climate that we're currently live'n in...i needed to

get myself tested in order to proceed with the process but have'n already gone thru the process twice before (and the only exams that i had ever passed i might add) i knew this would be a breeze...the only problem with the process this time was the actual location of said exam center bein a completely complicated equation that i couldn't equal since dyslexic dipshit drivers durin' rush hour plus hangry queen on a quest just don't add up!

with a minute to spare...i finally reached my final destination only to be 

greeted with locked doors and signage that says follow the arrows down blah blah avenue and of course THERE WERE NO FUCK'N ARROWS...now listen...i was already in a rush that morn'n since i was gonna be 2 hrs late to watch my 4 month old great niece Violette Moon (i know...awwwww right!) and trust me...i DO NOT wanna deal with her wrath at ANY cost when at all possible!

so i called my health care provider to rip them a new A double snakes and of course after goin thru a roller coaster of prompts the anal drip on the other end ended up bein of no help at all so i said 2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck-it and flew off to play patty cake patty cake please don't puke up all over my hermes bag with Violette!

after guzzle'n down a gallon of peach redbull and calm'n down my mini

chocolate chip sized nipples...i lit a few patchouli flavored aromatherapy candles and chanted a few nam-myoho-renge-kyo's and called back to reschedule cuz i was not about to miss this now twice sceduled colonoscopy since father time was tap tap tapp'n on my doors...luckily i was able to be seen at an office which was only a small hop...skip and a jump rope ride from Vi's trailer...or so i thought

after hopp'n on my huffy bike...which was only a short 7 minute ride to the 

desired location accord'n to SIRI...(i even left 15 minutes early cuz i'm such a gurly squat when it comes to arrive'n punctual) i arrived in front of the Maplewood Mall...i thought to myself...HMMM? well M-A-Y-B-E SIRI was read'n my mind and thought i definitely deserved those lemon meringue chino's with the lace trimmed pockets and the butt cut out that i'd been contemplate'n about purchase'n ever since i spotted 'em on some random instagram ad a week prior and spring was right around the corner anyways...WHY NOT! (thanx A.D.D) 

then i stopped and thought fer a minute...NO this was not the time...MUST FIND NURSE STATION!

as the clock was tick'n down to my test time...i feverishly scampered

thru-out the mall like a plucked chicken who hadn't had head in months look'n fer the test'n spot to no avail...so i quickly rang the damn clinic back as to the precise location but of course they had zero clue where the exact location was...it just gave them an address (the same one that i had) though she "thinks" its by the Sears location she says...so i reluctantly hung up on her and scampered to the nearest mall map

WHICH HAS NO FUCK'N SEARS A-N-Y-M-O-R-E!

i call back and bit down on my tongue as hard as i possibly could and had

 to explain to the "enchantress" on the other end that there is no longer a Sears at this location and if they could transfer me to another operator...which i know was most likely the same person who just plugged their nose to sound different...i mean seriously...who hasn't played that retail game? at least this time i got a different answer and they said it was by the JC Penny's location...

WHICH WAS AT THE OTHER END OF THE FUCK'N MALL!

by now i had decided to fuck it all since it was 10 minutes past my exam

and i know how nurses are such sticklers on tardiness so i just decided to head back home however as i was exit'n the corner of the mall ramp i noticed outta the corner of my left eye what looked like a nurse's station set up outside the JC Penny's location so i whipped a shitty past all the parking lot blocks to the front of the line

after they chastised me fer miss'n my designated time slot...i made a small

but pertinent plea you see cuz NO ONE else was in line and the sun was still out...so they gave me the typical questions: name address date of birth then told me to proceed ahead to where another nurse roughly 5 feet away ASKED ME THE SAME FUCK'N questions and i sooo wish i was make'n this up (unfortunately i'm not)

she then asked me as a matter of factly "are you here fer a covid test?"

ummm...no kitten...i ordered a Mclobster sammich on pumpernickel with curly fries and a mint frosty and could you super size that PUHLEEEEZ...PRONTO PRONTO...i'm kinda in a hurry here!

luckily...my brain was on strike and i just answered with a smirky smile

and was all set to spit in a vile...however they do things a bit different in the burbs and instead i was told to slightly tilt my head back as she proceeded to harpoon each nostril like she was fuck'n sheriff Brody hunt'n fer JAWS...nevertheless after a couple of quick deep jabs the unpleasant procedure was finally half over...tune in next week fer the shitty conclusion of WASTE MANAGEMENT!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!