CUTTER NUTTERS

picture it kittens...it's 1983....a canucker from Kingston releases his 2nd

single "CUTS LIKE A KNIFE" which stalled at number 6 on the charts...however...could totally be played as the backdrop to today's topics of terror...

let's begin...shall we?

the back streets of london were scattered with very sassy and salacious  

"ladies of the nite" durin' the 1800's who would do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G fer some pocket change with a shot of penicillin and absinth...that is until 1888...when suddenly they started dropp'n dead like Bryan Adams career

slashed and trashed one by one thanx to a mysterious cloak and dagger dude in a top hat simply known as "JACK THE RIPPER" that has been the catalyst of many books and endless movies in the last century which has still gone unsolved to this very day

from 1974 to 1978 sexy yet sadistic sociopathic serial killer TED BUNDY 

terrorized the towns across 7 states with a particular taste fer college hussies who parted their hair down the middle...bludgeon'n and beat'n...carve'n and sometimes even starve'n fer their affection once they've decomposed like a true self respect'n necrophiliac would...at a rate of 1 per month...guilty of 20 kills though admitt'n to 30 and maybe even more until he was fried like a fritter in 1989

once the 90's rolled around...i had moved to Milwaukee fer a hot minute

only to find out 3 days in that dash'n debonair JEFFREY DAHMER had a delicate palet fer dead dick...slice'n and dice'n his males victims into tv dinners...though i personally had nothing to worry about since he hadda taste fer dark meat...DAMHER would finally meet his maker thanx to an inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage WI in 1994

BUTT...it ain't all that bad!

sometimes serial killers are worth root'n for...especially if their hot to trot

and are actually just clean'n the country of countless callous cold-blooded killers...like SHOWTIME's "DEXTER" played by the incredibly edibly MICHAEL C HALL that ran fer 8 seasons from 2006 til it's absolute abysmal end'n in 2013

thankfully SHOWTIME has decided to breath life back into the serial killer

cop from Miami Metro and give his blood thirsty fans exactly what they've been crave'n...more hemoglobin hotness and splatter batter moments from the dark passenger DEXTER MORGAN that will hopefully redeem and restore it's glory days of gore once more

10 years later...DEXTER MORGAN has packed up his blood slides and

sold his boat and headed to the small quaint lil town of IRON LAKE in upstate New York live'n under the alias of JIMMY LINDSAY

with special dream sequence appearances from his dead sister DEBRA MORGAN played by the tough as nails JENNIFER CARPENTER

and trinity killer ARTHUR MILLER played by JOHN LITHGOW that one can only assume will appear as a flashback since DEXTER disposed of his body durin' the end of season 4 in the Gulf Stream

the limited return of 10 episodes begins nov. 7th on SHOWTIME

however...let's be real...dollars to donuts they've already penned and green lit at least 2 more seasons (everyone's doin 3ways these days it seems) so if yer plann'n on host'n a premiere party fer it's much anticipated return (and why wouldn't you?) may i suggest a menu offer'n of spicy bloody mary's as refreshments...a hearty meat pie filled with chopped blood sausage as the main course and lady fingers dipped in a tamale/raspberry sauce fer desert

bone appetite...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

highway to oh hell no!

my weekends usually consist of the 3 B's...

 booze...boys and the jobs most people call blow...hey i'm single...not dead

i had no one particular in mind as i was desperately check'n my FB page to see if there was anything out there worthy of my presence one weekend...

then i was reminded of a b-day party fer my cuz's in Dexter...(though i wish he was in me)...ummm just so there's no confusion...i'm talk'n about Dexter...not my cuz...inbreed'n is best left to the southern states

 i had a tough decision to make...between "toss'n my salad"...or just bring'n a salad to the festivities...but after an emergency meet'n with the people inside my head...we decided unanimously to go ahead and forgo the head...and the salad cuz really...that would be more work than i cared to invest in...and furthermore...my presence is the best presents anyone could ask for anyways...right?

besides...this was a dress up as yer fav-o-rit rock star or what you would wear to a concert 80's party...and i figered it had been awhile since i beat my face with some war paint...so as i was pack'n up my broomstick shitbox on wheels fer the party...i had one too many iconic looks to choose from...

do i go as the Karma Chameleon look?

 

touched fer the 37th hundred time look?

or hooker with Paulina Porizkova lips in heat look?

hmmm...well since this was a non equity non paid performance...i opted fer the easiest to get in and outta in a moments notice...hey what'dya want?

i was head'n to hickville...and you know there's always some desperately starved farmer with the delts want'n to show me how his john deer operates (insert snicker here)

once i had fueled up the car...pumped up the tires...and checked the gas stations stall fer any last minute requests business calls...i was on my way

but try'n to figer out the GPS on my trilogy of terror is like me try'n to use my ESP powers to find a prick with a pulse in a socially retarded STD free barrel...lost ya?...ummm that would be equivalent to find'n thee elusive unicorn kittens...it ain't eva gonna happen

well...it's best to start at the very beginn'n...so i did what any purely almost...

unbred non heterosexual would do...and that is...follow the yellow brick lines on the road

i'm not the biggest fan of ride'n alone to unknown destinations...

usually my unknown fans come to me fer a ride...(well you do understand this is the way it is once you've reached the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe status that i have)...but once i popped in my highway road trip hitz...it's like i was stepp'n out onto a massive stage...rock'n out to "you ain't woman enough to take my man"...by Miss Loretta Lynn...with the the passerbyers scream'n my name...well i guess it's cuz the light turned green...but anyways

15 minutes into the trip...i hadn't even crossed the outer city limits yet...

and i was completely over it already...i couldn't be bothered since not one person passed me that was worthy enough to gimme the heimlich  if i started choke'n on their chicken....

but it was a peaceful ride so i told my brain to shut the fuck up and enjoy the majestic beauty mother nature had to offer

i was half way to my cuz's when i decided my throat was parched and in much need of some quench'n...so i stopped at some road side station to fill my tank and empty my morals bladder in the restroom but next thing i know...i'm doin shots of wild turkey with some stranger and bein' led out to

the dancer floor...i'm think'n...wait...how did i get here?...and how in the hell did i ever learn how to line dance?...next thing i know...the room started spinn'n around and around...and not like a record i might add...but fer the record...i knew i should'a been record'n the events...as this sassy squatch with a hair lip helped me outside fer some fresh air and next thing i know he's toss'n me on the hood of my car like a love starved bean bag tell'n me "you shore do have a purdy mouth...may i kiss you on the lips?" i was like "ummm does a pimp take a personal check...uncle fester?"

BANG...BANG...i shot him down...but next thing ya know i'm bein' pursued by a pack of pigs...i was like...well if he'da popped a mentos...i'd at least let him go to 2nd base

i wondered how i had wandered from my destination...then i realized i was just drift'n off into Thelma and Louiseville from the nite before...ummm...ok...

F-O-C-U-S!!...there on the side of the road i noticed a long trail of blackness sprinkled with chunks of rubber and wondered to myself...what sorta moron doesn't check their tires before venture'n onto the highways to hell?...cuz that's the 1st thing i do before i ever leave on a long journey...

that's like the plot of most major thriller killers out there...then i felt a bit of a scratch'n beneath my foot come'n from the bottom of my car...but i figered oh well...it's probably some hitcher that hopped on board at my last stop...he'll eventually tire from hold'n on and fall off

i knew i was near'n my destination...cuz all i could smell was the fresh scent

of colonized CASPER crusaders and cow shit...it's so hard to distinguish the difference between the 2 these days

so i rang my cuz to find out which exit to hell i needed to take to make it to his place in one peace...but as he was about to tell me the directions then...

*BANG*BANG*SCHFIZZLE*HSSSS* 

it's as if the gate keeper at CASPER's castle opened it's doors and started take'n pot shots at me from above...just cuz i don't heed the rules in his comic book...OR...

my front wheel just tried to commit a jihad and make me dance with the devil...either case...i was not happy

Don McLean may have drove his chevy to the levy and the levy was dry...

but i had a millisecond to decide...do i turn the wheel to the right and roll down the hill like a small child in the spin cycle?...hmmm...though it would be a dramatic twist in my E true hollyweird story...i knew i barely had enough money to pay fer the fresh panties i was gonna need once my car had stopped...let alone the major reconstruction that would need to be done to my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe ass...

hey heels don't look good on a hovaround

so i choose option 2 and drove my piece of shit to the left...across the lanes of traffic...into the meridian...medium...median...oh fuck...whatever the hell they call it these days...between the 2 damn highways...and thankfully it was full of ungrazed grass

after take'n a quick breather as the car slowly came to a stop...i realized one thing...it's 87 degrees out and i fergot my damn umbrella...secondly...i still hadn't gotten a cell charger fer the car and i was runn'n outta juice...

damn i wished i had listened to my instincts earlier about toss'n my own salad (with the help of some helper of course)...but i didn't...oh well...if wishes and buts where a bowl full of nuts...we'd all have a bowl of granola

i searched fer my phone that had tried to escape out the window as i had to take control of the situation at hand and called my cuz back to let him know i was no longer the entertainment fer the party...but now on a rescue mission...since i was a sitt'n duck and in no mode to be target practice...so he said one of my brothers was in the area and to call him

patiently...i sat quietly wait'n fer any sign of hope up ahead

as i hid under the shadow of my car so i wouldn't ruin my oh so fresh nubile milky white flesh fer the chopper i assumed my brother was drive'n and called him to give him my exact coordinates...all i got from him was that he stopped fer some vittles and was almost at my cuz's and didn't wanna turn

around...WTF?...this was no covert operation to rescue me from the thumpers fly'n by...way beyond the recommended speed limit i might add...and i was in no mood to play frogger with my life...

i'm think'n...i bet Ruth Bader Ginsburg never has to put up with this shit!

so i hung up and contacted my insurance company to make sure everything was in the up and up and have AAA come collect my shake'n A double snakes...but they tell me they're not sure i have AAA and put me on hold to 

transfer me to another department...WTF?...i had had enough...i figered good things come in 3 with me...so i called 911...who stayed on the phone with me to trace my call...and sure enough...within 5 minutes...the calvary arrived...but apparently his vehicle was not equipped with a mini bar...that makes absolutely zero sense to me at a time like this...but any case...i felt like i was the luckiest unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe in the world

he gave me 2 options...none included his phone number unfortunately...he said i could either call my brother to come get me...which i knew at this point...i might as well have been an orphan who's family tragically drowned in a fire or he'd call a tow truck to remove my carcass to the closest town and i could figer things out there with my insurance company

20 minutes later...as my pores began to cry like Bette Midler in Beaches...(you know what part i'm talk'n about)...Scooter arrived with his tow truck and said he'd take me over yonder to Hazzard County Zumbrota...i tried not to care that he smelled of pickled herring and old man stew...i was finally in air condition'n...well the closest thing to air condition'n...the windows were rolled down and there was a sufficient breeze dry'n the sweat from my pores

rest assured...had this happend in any major city...i would'a needed to remove a vital organ to pay fer this outta pocket...but Cooter went WAAAY above and beyond the call of duty...since it was saturday afternoon in some po-dunk town and i'm sure he'da rather be nurse'n his Schlitz and take a shitz...but he pulled over on the road...checked out the size...of my tires sicko...and popped on over to his house and picked up a tire that matched and drove me over to his garage and has his way with me my car...45 minutes later...fer tow...and a new used tire...i was charged the low low price of 120 smack-a-roonies...WTF?

i was absolutely floored...i knew this was well below what he could've gotten...were he a schiester like the handful i've encountered over the years in the Minne-Apple...so i gave him a $30 tip and said tonite's town tramp is on me and off i was once again to hell town Dexter

because of my dyslexia...short term memory...and shattered nerves...i hadda annoy my cuz with numerous phone calls to figer out how to get to

this party that i was now 2 hrs later for...but once i arrived all was set at ease...that is until my brother who couldn't be bothered to pick me up hours earlier...had the nerve to ask ME to do touch up his make-up...WTF?...you left me to create the delusion that i was left fer the vultures...but i was like eh!...i am the eldest brother by default and should lead by example i suppose...so i let him have a taste of my dimly lit spotlight fer a change

thing is...he was goin as rocker Gene Simmons from KISS...

but he was act'n a lil AC/DC even fer my patience when i was touch'n up his make-up...if ya catch my drift mary...either way...he looked the picture of perfection that he always does...or at least how he wants everyone to believe he thinks he does (ummm insert laugh bro)

i on the other hand couldn't be bothered to shave and was in zero mood to throw together any sorta professional look...so instead of huff'n and puff'n the nite away...i just threw on the frock without the warpaint and went as BOY GEORGE MICHAEL

thanx to my cuz fer the open bar that calmed my nerves...all was well too until a stampede of heffers on a bachlorette run showed up and took over the dance floor...which was fine and all...that is until one of the fallopian tubes broke from the herd and decided i was grade A beef (ahhh...no doy!) but honey puhleez...don't think just cuz i got me a few stubbles fill'n my face

that i'm gonna wanna poke around in yer popcorn box after the party...homo don't play dat!

she wanted my number...so i figered there was no harm in grant'n her that

request...so i scratched it down on the back of her copenhagen container...and told her to take her fur purse and skedaddle...cuz i knew the second she got it...she'd run back to the herd and let them know she'd be leave'n the farm real soon

though i never did get to fornicate with some farmer and his delts...

outta the blue...and much to my horror surprise...i ended up gett'n a finger up the jaxie big bear hug from the town's Roscoe that i knew from the good ol days...and he got bragg'n rights to tell all his friends...

he got to squeeze the charmin of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

all in all...the nite was well worth the chaotic trip...

it was good to hang with the family...cuz really...what's life without family?

ummm...i'll like to give ya the answer to that right now...

but i shouldn't talk with my mouth full

now get off my dress!