I CAN'T BREATHE

every breath you take and every move you make

every bond you break...every step you take...i'll be watching you

every single day and every word you say

every game you play...every night you stay...i'll be watching you

since you've gone i've been lost without a trace

i dream at night...i can only see your face

i look around and it's you i can't replace

i feel so cold and i long for your embrace

may 25 2020...8 minutes and 46 seconds was all it took to snuff out a life

with a knee to the neck...2 minutes and 53 of those seconds were used after there was no longer any visible response...all over an alleged forged $20 bill by GEORGE FLOYD

whether or not that the $20 bill was or was not an alleged forged bill 

is pointless at this point and i'm not gonna waste anytime discuss'n the legalities of it all (i'm an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionsit of my own universe after all...not a laywer) what REALLY is the problem is the blatant abhorrent systemic discrimination against people of color for the past 400+ years in this country

if this had been ANY white bread beer guzzle'n ball scratch'n "KAREN"...

they'da been handcuffed...put in the back of the cop car and give'n an assortment of accoutrements along with a glass of chilled chardonaye while play'n candy crush on their cell as they waited fer their lawyer to work out a plea deal...like any other normal small collar blue blooded non violent criminal

the unrest and unjust action that would follow after GEORGE FLOYD'S

murder in MINNEHOPELIS, MN was very warrented and unfortunately expected...only cuz the asswipe blood thirsty killer cop would take 4 days to be charged and then ONLY was given a 3rd degree charge which is pretty much akin to punch'n someone in the face and the victim falls to the ground...hitt'n their head on cement and unintentionally but internally cause'n them to bleed to death...THIS WAS INTENTIAL UNALTERED MURDER...IN PLAIN DAYLIGHT...ON VIDEO! hopefully by trial his charges will be upgraded to 1st degree intentional murder...nothing less!

when it was only a few weeks earlier...the "KARENS" of the country

bitched like banshee's with boils on their flap jacked asses...cuz they desperately needed their roots redone...their hooves buffed and glittered...while slamm'n down tropical punch white claws with their other unfuckable Costco coupon club COVID deniers...

while their beer gutted ball scratch'n follically challenged hemmroids stormed the states offices...caress'n their AK-pulsate'n penis machines close to their dead blackened heart

unfortunately...what was suppose to be a march for justice for a competely

unjustifiable murder of 46 year old GEORGE FLOYD...

was turned into a chaotic scene that would last for days until a state issued curfew was ordered by MN Govenor Tim Walz...thanx to the "UMBRELLA MAN" that people on the scene said was an undercover cop...confirmed by his x wife apparently but denied by St paul police...though seriously...who are they kidd'n? like ANYONE is gonna take the word of cops durin' a riot that began becuz a cop outright lied about GEORGE FLOYD bein' unruly...until the proof of video surface to refute his claims

this was not just an isolated incident in our city unfortunately...everyone

from DC to Dallas...from Philly to Fresno and everywhere in between has had enough of the injustice brought on by police brutality that has been disporportionately targeted against the african american community perpetuated by a large handful of power hungry killer cops

thanks to the quick think'n of 17 year old DARNELLA FRAZIER who was

brave enough to film the entire incident to refute ANY stories that would try to change the story from the 4 police officers that were 100% responsible fer GEORGE FLOYD's murder (though don't take that the wrong way...i am pro cop...as long as they follow the law) by discredit'n any eye witnesses stories...which has been an all to familar story fer those who's lives were lost without any justice cuz they weren't captured on video

***BREAK'N NEWZ***

as i was compile'n this blog...i seen live over 5000 peaceful protesters

march'n along highway 35W...when outta the blue...a speed'n 18 wheeler decided to make it his mission to plow thru the crowd and luckily the quick think'n protestors were able to stop the rig...subdue the driver after give'n him a taste of his own medicine...

who then was arrested and brought to Hennepin county jail after bein released from the hospital
***MORE BREAK’N NEWZ UPDATE***
turns out the driver DID NOT intentionally plow thru the crowd after all

with over 170 places of business's that were looted...burnt to the ground 

or defaced thru out the Minne-Apple and our sister city St Paul...many of them that were unfortunately small neighborhood shops

or grocery stores that are without corporate funds...the devastation was insurmountable that many may never return

with COVID and chaos all around us...thankfully many lent a help'n hand after all the desctruction to help those in need

as sad as things have been this past week...thankfully everyone from the

neighborhood has come together...regardless of their back ground or bank account...to begin the long and very arduous clean up process and help in the rebuild'n of our beautiful city to what it once was

it's deplorable and beyond sicken'n we have a mentally deranged orange anal wart in the WH who is poor'n gasoline and instigate'n this blatant racism and relish'n in it...give'n a green lite to assholes to come outta the closet and march in their bullshit parade from generation to generation

we as a society have to unfortunately fight this everystep of the way...we will rise up like a phoenix from the flames of all this chaos...rebuild and continue to rebuke this taught hatred as long as we have to...while we can never forget the message that got us to this point in the 1st place...
"I CAN'T BREATHE"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BUSTED! pt.1

we've ALL suffered thru many odd or reprehensible occurrences in life

like fer instance...take the the Anglo-Zanzibar war...

bein' the oddest conflict in history...it lasted a mere 8 minutes longer than my last hook-up...clock'n it at only 38 minutes between the United Kingdom and Zanzibar on the 27th of august 1886

for all those who DID NOT make the right choice at the polls last year

and still have'n to deal with this clown fuckery

SPAM

and then there was that one time 13 years back...

when i ventured out to some local homo shithole fer showtunes nite

i've been in my fair share of shithole's from town to town...lemme tell you...most of them have been usually on all 4's begg'n for it...and nothing says homo heaven more than bein' in a seedy leather bar belt'n out broadway hits with a bunch of beer guzzle'n...ritual bath'n man titties in tank tops that could barely keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle...

let alone hold a tune...but oddly enough though...there i was...pretty much kill'n time with my friend Sally May  a box of Franzia...try'na get into the spirit...by soak'n up the spirits...til i hadda pick up 2 of my siblings and Joan Crawford at the airport when they crossed the border from margaritaville at midnite

it's funny though how the same group of non hetero's that cruised me on-line an hour earlier...now all of a sudden wanted nothin' to do with me after they found out i was in fact thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...cuz they're look'n fer someone 

more "str8 act'n and appear'n"...yet the 2nd Madonna's "don't cry for me Argentina" appeared on screen...these "macho str8 act'n n appear'n" burly bears...cubs...and their counterparts...would raise their fists in unison (after they pulled them outta their dates flap jacked ass of course) caress'n the dried on pearl necklace they fergot to wash off from their neck from the nite before...all while clutch'n tightly onto their napkins and wave'n them in unison as the QUEEN would erupt into song on the casa rosada above the crowd 

well...once you've seen that...it's all down hill from there...but anywho...

as we tic-tac-toed our way thru the sea of toads that nite...we made our way to the outdoor patio fer some not so fresh smoke filled air...consist'n

of bacon breath and bad b.o. with just a subtle hint of someone who'd soaked much too long in their after bath body splash...who turned out to be this stylish hag that had seemed to have lost her fag...who had made some comment about my irresistible almond shaped irish eyes as she passed

by...(hey...i can only report the facts) and the fact was...of course...she would become my new bestest friend...for at least the next 45 minutes anyways...why not! (sorry Peetrinella but you weren't there)

she had this sorta flirty innocence that the box of Franzia i was with that nite loathed...well...cuz she hadn't offered up any compliments to his drunk ass...so of course this meant that his mouth would pop open any minute like a pez dispenser from hell and out would pour a flood of cuntage...tear'n her to shreds until she was a mere puddle of regret on the floor fer dare make'n eye contact with us in the 1st place...which is exactly what had happened

so i quilted my best comforter as fast as i could and pulled her outta the cage match...she was no match for!

by now the clock was tick'n and i only had 45 minutes before i hadda fly out the airport to pick up my blood line...but puddle girl was still a puddle while try'n to decipher the reason'n fer the box of Franzia season'n her ass...but i was in zero mood to explain it to her...(seriously...i don't know how you non homo guys put up with all their blubbery mess...call a doctor pronto!)

so i opted the best way i knew how to shut her up...by putt'n a Miller to her mouth...which i did at the next water'n hole...but had let her know the clock was tick'n and this would be the last stop...or she'd be thumb'n it home...

by the time we left the bar...she had completely fergotten the cage match from earlier and was give'n me directions to her house...which of course ended up being on the other end of the fuck'n universe

as we walked to my car...i noticed a pocket knife had fallen from her purse...and though she seemed completely harmless enough at the time...

i was in no mood to find out if i was cart'n Lezzy Borden's ass all over the metro area...just to drive to some deserted alley and end up as a side dish with some fava beans and nice kiante...so i pocketed the pocket knife and would give it back to her once i kicked her to the curb

as i was cross'n the river and not over to grama's house...

i decided to coast down the other side of the bridge...when i noticed christmas lights flash'n in my rear view reflection from a distance...and i suddenly got all in a panic cuz i realized i hadn't even put  together my latest and greatest my x-mess list together fer Peetrinella...i mean Santa Clawz...

then i realized...wait!...it's only july!

though i personally felt i was more than ok to drive...i knew i was suppose be the sober cab that nite...but i did have 4 watered down bottles of piss diet beer all nite (hey no one else is gonna watch my waistline but me)...and it was a good hour since i had a drop to drink before i had put the keys into my ignition...so i figered i had a tail light out or perhaps it was against the law to carry some half baked blubber'n bitch in my front seat...i don't know!

so i pulled over to the side and noticed in my side mirror...

a beam of light and  from the distance...an incredibly hulky cop walk'n towards my car...and i swear on a stack of CHER cd's...

Madonna's "erotica" was play'n in my cd player at the exact same time...so of course i'm think'n...FINALLY...i get to play out my wildest fantasy...only prob was i had this drunk mess in my front seat...total mood killer!

by the time the officer made it to my window...i had already rolled down my window...anticipate'n as to what position i was gonna be ordered in next...

but much to my surprise...he just asked me "do you know why i stopped you? in a not so very bend over and take it like a bitch kinda way

ummm..."is it cuz i'm pretty and yer in the mood fer an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?"

though i heard my mind say it...i hadda dash down stairs to my mouth as fast as i could to make sure i didn't actually say it to mister officer...(though secretly i had wished i had)...who knows how this whole nite would'a turned out...but turns out as i was come'n down the bridge...i had inadvertently ignored my speedometer and was goin approximately 9 miles over the speed limit...it'll happen!

he'd asked me what i had to drink...instead of ask'n me out on a date...like i assumed he would've asked me...i mean HELLO? look at me...i'ma catch

i decided not to turn this into some twisted fantasy any longer cuz i noticed the time on my dash board and i was now NOT at the destination i was suppose to be in at this time...so i told him the story about my night as i checked myself in the mirror...and then he asked me to step outta the car...about time!

as i placed my hands on the hood of my car wait'n in anticipation fer that slow hand pat down that i had read about in all those erotic novels as a teenager...again i was misinterpret'n everything and he had asked me if i had anything in my pocket...to which i said said just my cell and wallet

as he had me lift my hands out he slipped slowly down my front pocket..i knew i wanted him inside me...but i thought i'd be in another position...

 instead...he pulled out a pocket knife!

it had completely slipped my mind that i had grabbed it off the sidewalk...
and had put it in my pocket but fergot to give it back to the blubbery mess once we got in my car...so i explained it to the officer...and next thing i know...i'm lean'n over the trunk of my car gett'n hand-cuffed by Roscoe...

though...when i played this scenario out in my head...i'd assumed they'd be wrapped in some sorta fun fur...and i'd be strapped to his bed posts like some caged animal

so next thing i know...i'm being escorted ...without a corsage i might add...to the back seat of his car...without him join'n me...i might also

wanna add...and not 5 seconds would go by before i noticed some Sanford and Son look'n tow truck arrive'n on the scene with no DJ equipment or disco ball...and the gal bein' told to get outta my car as it was lifted up on it's hind legs and they disappeared off into the distance in a matter of seconds

WTF?

it was as if the world had stopped and i wasn't gett'n off...with ANYONE! 

join us next week fer part 2 of the excite'n conclusion to BUSTED! now GET OFF MY DRESS!

highway to oh hell no!

my weekends usually consist of the 3 B's...

 booze...boys and the jobs most people call blow...hey i'm single...not dead

i had no one particular in mind as i was desperately check'n my FB page to see if there was anything out there worthy of my presence one weekend...

then i was reminded of a b-day party fer my cuz's in Dexter...(though i wish he was in me)...ummm just so there's no confusion...i'm talk'n about Dexter...not my cuz...inbreed'n is best left to the southern states

 i had a tough decision to make...between "toss'n my salad"...or just bring'n a salad to the festivities...but after an emergency meet'n with the people inside my head...we decided unanimously to go ahead and forgo the head...and the salad cuz really...that would be more work than i cared to invest in...and furthermore...my presence is the best presents anyone could ask for anyways...right?

besides...this was a dress up as yer fav-o-rit rock star or what you would wear to a concert 80's party...and i figered it had been awhile since i beat my face with some war paint...so as i was pack'n up my broomstick shitbox on wheels fer the party...i had one too many iconic looks to choose from...

do i go as the Karma Chameleon look?

 

touched fer the 37th hundred time look?

or hooker with Paulina Porizkova lips in heat look?

hmmm...well since this was a non equity non paid performance...i opted fer the easiest to get in and outta in a moments notice...hey what'dya want?

i was head'n to hickville...and you know there's always some desperately starved farmer with the delts want'n to show me how his john deer operates (insert snicker here)

once i had fueled up the car...pumped up the tires...and checked the gas stations stall fer any last minute requests business calls...i was on my way

but try'n to figer out the GPS on my trilogy of terror is like me try'n to use my ESP powers to find a prick with a pulse in a socially retarded STD free barrel...lost ya?...ummm that would be equivalent to find'n thee elusive unicorn kittens...it ain't eva gonna happen

well...it's best to start at the very beginn'n...so i did what any purely almost...

unbred non heterosexual would do...and that is...follow the yellow brick lines on the road

i'm not the biggest fan of ride'n alone to unknown destinations...

usually my unknown fans come to me fer a ride...(well you do understand this is the way it is once you've reached the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe status that i have)...but once i popped in my highway road trip hitz...it's like i was stepp'n out onto a massive stage...rock'n out to "you ain't woman enough to take my man"...by Miss Loretta Lynn...with the the passerbyers scream'n my name...well i guess it's cuz the light turned green...but anyways

15 minutes into the trip...i hadn't even crossed the outer city limits yet...

and i was completely over it already...i couldn't be bothered since not one person passed me that was worthy enough to gimme the heimlich  if i started choke'n on their chicken....

but it was a peaceful ride so i told my brain to shut the fuck up and enjoy the majestic beauty mother nature had to offer

i was half way to my cuz's when i decided my throat was parched and in much need of some quench'n...so i stopped at some road side station to fill my tank and empty my morals bladder in the restroom but next thing i know...i'm doin shots of wild turkey with some stranger and bein' led out to

the dancer floor...i'm think'n...wait...how did i get here?...and how in the hell did i ever learn how to line dance?...next thing i know...the room started spinn'n around and around...and not like a record i might add...but fer the record...i knew i should'a been record'n the events...as this sassy squatch with a hair lip helped me outside fer some fresh air and next thing i know he's toss'n me on the hood of my car like a love starved bean bag tell'n me "you shore do have a purdy mouth...may i kiss you on the lips?" i was like "ummm does a pimp take a personal check...uncle fester?"

BANG...BANG...i shot him down...but next thing ya know i'm bein' pursued by a pack of pigs...i was like...well if he'da popped a mentos...i'd at least let him go to 2nd base

i wondered how i had wandered from my destination...then i realized i was just drift'n off into Thelma and Louiseville from the nite before...ummm...ok...

F-O-C-U-S!!...there on the side of the road i noticed a long trail of blackness sprinkled with chunks of rubber and wondered to myself...what sorta moron doesn't check their tires before venture'n onto the highways to hell?...cuz that's the 1st thing i do before i ever leave on a long journey...

that's like the plot of most major thriller killers out there...then i felt a bit of a scratch'n beneath my foot come'n from the bottom of my car...but i figered oh well...it's probably some hitcher that hopped on board at my last stop...he'll eventually tire from hold'n on and fall off

i knew i was near'n my destination...cuz all i could smell was the fresh scent

of colonized CASPER crusaders and cow shit...it's so hard to distinguish the difference between the 2 these days

so i rang my cuz to find out which exit to hell i needed to take to make it to his place in one peace...but as he was about to tell me the directions then...

*BANG*BANG*SCHFIZZLE*HSSSS* 

it's as if the gate keeper at CASPER's castle opened it's doors and started take'n pot shots at me from above...just cuz i don't heed the rules in his comic book...OR...

my front wheel just tried to commit a jihad and make me dance with the devil...either case...i was not happy

Don McLean may have drove his chevy to the levy and the levy was dry...

but i had a millisecond to decide...do i turn the wheel to the right and roll down the hill like a small child in the spin cycle?...hmmm...though it would be a dramatic twist in my E true hollyweird story...i knew i barely had enough money to pay fer the fresh panties i was gonna need once my car had stopped...let alone the major reconstruction that would need to be done to my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe ass...

hey heels don't look good on a hovaround

so i choose option 2 and drove my piece of shit to the left...across the lanes of traffic...into the meridian...medium...median...oh fuck...whatever the hell they call it these days...between the 2 damn highways...and thankfully it was full of ungrazed grass

after take'n a quick breather as the car slowly came to a stop...i realized one thing...it's 87 degrees out and i fergot my damn umbrella...secondly...i still hadn't gotten a cell charger fer the car and i was runn'n outta juice...

damn i wished i had listened to my instincts earlier about toss'n my own salad (with the help of some helper of course)...but i didn't...oh well...if wishes and buts where a bowl full of nuts...we'd all have a bowl of granola

i searched fer my phone that had tried to escape out the window as i had to take control of the situation at hand and called my cuz back to let him know i was no longer the entertainment fer the party...but now on a rescue mission...since i was a sitt'n duck and in no mode to be target practice...so he said one of my brothers was in the area and to call him

patiently...i sat quietly wait'n fer any sign of hope up ahead

as i hid under the shadow of my car so i wouldn't ruin my oh so fresh nubile milky white flesh fer the chopper i assumed my brother was drive'n and called him to give him my exact coordinates...all i got from him was that he stopped fer some vittles and was almost at my cuz's and didn't wanna turn

around...WTF?...this was no covert operation to rescue me from the thumpers fly'n by...way beyond the recommended speed limit i might add...and i was in no mood to play frogger with my life...

i'm think'n...i bet Ruth Bader Ginsburg never has to put up with this shit!

so i hung up and contacted my insurance company to make sure everything was in the up and up and have AAA come collect my shake'n A double snakes...but they tell me they're not sure i have AAA and put me on hold to 

transfer me to another department...WTF?...i had had enough...i figered good things come in 3 with me...so i called 911...who stayed on the phone with me to trace my call...and sure enough...within 5 minutes...the calvary arrived...but apparently his vehicle was not equipped with a mini bar...that makes absolutely zero sense to me at a time like this...but any case...i felt like i was the luckiest unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe in the world

he gave me 2 options...none included his phone number unfortunately...he said i could either call my brother to come get me...which i knew at this point...i might as well have been an orphan who's family tragically drowned in a fire or he'd call a tow truck to remove my carcass to the closest town and i could figer things out there with my insurance company

20 minutes later...as my pores began to cry like Bette Midler in Beaches...(you know what part i'm talk'n about)...Scooter arrived with his tow truck and said he'd take me over yonder to Hazzard County Zumbrota...i tried not to care that he smelled of pickled herring and old man stew...i was finally in air condition'n...well the closest thing to air condition'n...the windows were rolled down and there was a sufficient breeze dry'n the sweat from my pores

rest assured...had this happend in any major city...i would'a needed to remove a vital organ to pay fer this outta pocket...but Cooter went WAAAY above and beyond the call of duty...since it was saturday afternoon in some po-dunk town and i'm sure he'da rather be nurse'n his Schlitz and take a shitz...but he pulled over on the road...checked out the size...of my tires sicko...and popped on over to his house and picked up a tire that matched and drove me over to his garage and has his way with me my car...45 minutes later...fer tow...and a new used tire...i was charged the low low price of 120 smack-a-roonies...WTF?

i was absolutely floored...i knew this was well below what he could've gotten...were he a schiester like the handful i've encountered over the years in the Minne-Apple...so i gave him a $30 tip and said tonite's town tramp is on me and off i was once again to hell town Dexter

because of my dyslexia...short term memory...and shattered nerves...i hadda annoy my cuz with numerous phone calls to figer out how to get to

this party that i was now 2 hrs later for...but once i arrived all was set at ease...that is until my brother who couldn't be bothered to pick me up hours earlier...had the nerve to ask ME to do touch up his make-up...WTF?...you left me to create the delusion that i was left fer the vultures...but i was like eh!...i am the eldest brother by default and should lead by example i suppose...so i let him have a taste of my dimly lit spotlight fer a change

thing is...he was goin as rocker Gene Simmons from KISS...

but he was act'n a lil AC/DC even fer my patience when i was touch'n up his make-up...if ya catch my drift mary...either way...he looked the picture of perfection that he always does...or at least how he wants everyone to believe he thinks he does (ummm insert laugh bro)

i on the other hand couldn't be bothered to shave and was in zero mood to throw together any sorta professional look...so instead of huff'n and puff'n the nite away...i just threw on the frock without the warpaint and went as BOY GEORGE MICHAEL

thanx to my cuz fer the open bar that calmed my nerves...all was well too until a stampede of heffers on a bachlorette run showed up and took over the dance floor...which was fine and all...that is until one of the fallopian tubes broke from the herd and decided i was grade A beef (ahhh...no doy!) but honey puhleez...don't think just cuz i got me a few stubbles fill'n my face

that i'm gonna wanna poke around in yer popcorn box after the party...homo don't play dat!

she wanted my number...so i figered there was no harm in grant'n her that

request...so i scratched it down on the back of her copenhagen container...and told her to take her fur purse and skedaddle...cuz i knew the second she got it...she'd run back to the herd and let them know she'd be leave'n the farm real soon

though i never did get to fornicate with some farmer and his delts...

outta the blue...and much to my horror surprise...i ended up gett'n a finger up the jaxie big bear hug from the town's Roscoe that i knew from the good ol days...and he got bragg'n rights to tell all his friends...

he got to squeeze the charmin of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

all in all...the nite was well worth the chaotic trip...

it was good to hang with the family...cuz really...what's life without family?

ummm...i'll like to give ya the answer to that right now...

but i shouldn't talk with my mouth full

now get off my dress!