OH SHIT!!!!

with the recent pain in the A double snakes i've hadda deal with in regards to my automotive shitbox shitmobile and shitbox...it's not really all that bad

lemme tell you about an insanity story that began one morn'n a while back

wake'n up from a debaucherous nite one weekend ...after flush'n my dignity down the drain...to a slashed tire...though i was a bit pissed...eh!...what'dya do but get it take'n care of...right?

i called my on again...off again...back on again...but soooo gonna be off again by the time this story would come to an end i'm sure...pain in the A

double snake hole drunktard friend…lett'n him know i'd be unable to pick him up cart his drunk A double snakes around all day...well...cuz my tire got in a scuffle with Freddy Krueger apparently in the middle of the nite...so he'd have find another mode of transportation idiot to put up with him fer the day

as i'm waste'n my breath on the phone try'n to decipher his gibberish while gett'n dressed...i smell the fresh scent of highly toxic molten plastic come'n

from my air conditioner even though it wasn't on...hmmm?...i immediately pulled my Angela Lansbury cap off the shelf and decided to do a lil investigate'n and ran outside my garden apartment shitbox...i mean my quaint lil shitbox...only to notice a sleep'n bag on fire on the car next to mine...

i'm think'n...is it already that time of year fer the annual sacrificial sleep'n bag to the park'n lot gods?...huh...i never got the memo it had been bumped up cuz i seriously thought that it wasn't fer a few more months

i went back inside to call my friend back to keep him abreast of the situation

no more than roughly 3 minutes goes by and there'd be a loud knock on my window by the air conditioner...i'm think'n...DAMMIT!!...were the park'n lot gods not pleased with the sacrificial offer'n they'd just received?

 

so i threw back on my Angela Lansbury cap and decided to have a lil one on one exclusive sit down with the park'n lot gods about interrupt'n my day...but couldn't cuz now my back door (and i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes) was smothered in a cloud of black smoke

WOW!!...did the sleep'n bag give the gods indigestion?...or did i just wake up from a bad dream…in somewhere land over the far right side of the rainbow…and actually live in war torn Iraq which was now under attack by insurgents?

i heard people shuffle'n around on the 3rd floor...so i threw on my burka...

 by that...i mean...my over sized "FRANKIE SAYS RELAX" 100% cotton tee...cinched it with an under stated gold lame belt and slipped into some beige brooks brothers flip flops…and raced up the steps to find the crowd gather'n around the window...look'n in awe at the stone'n below…i mean…smoke'n below...

from a car now engulfed in flames...roughly 10 feet from my shitbox on wheels barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer and directly in front of my shitbox palace window

a lone fire truck enters the park'n lot within seconds...

and i'm reminded...wait...it's almost time fer the annual firemen's ball…must remember to go shopp'n fer somethin sassy and sheer
 (but back to the insanity)

at this point...i'm a lil nerved out (cuz most of the gathered residents are apparently not friends with mr. under arm deodorizer...like me)…and race back into my place fer fresher air and try and figer out what i had to do?

save my priceless cd/dvd collection?...my 80's musical performer'n doll collection that i'm just die'n to have a tea party with some lucky geek from SCRUFF one of these days (and yes i'm not ashamed that i actually admit to own'n ALL of these...

(come on kittens... porn is sooo 1990's after all)
my incredibly insane platform collection?...or my oddly bizarre metal lunchbox collection?

hmmm decisions…decisions...by now the fresh air in my shitbox was now consumed by the smoke pour'n it's way threw my air condition'n system

i went thru this once before in my lifetime...don't think i really wanna rehash those memories again...so i quickly ran outside as fast as i could...only to be greeted by 5 hulky fireman...(talk about a mentos moment)...so glad i had a hidden altoid in my pocket

 (well actually only 4...one was with mullet...a bit mannish...with a hint of patchouli oils...that’s all i'm say'n)

my landlord asked me if i had seen anything strange this morn'n...hmmm?

besides a slashed tire...have'n my fresh air consumed by toxic non breathable air...well cuz of the ritual bathers on the 3rd floor…and a pillow of smoke now pillage'n my palace of eBay auctions and fine collectibles...no...everything seems just peachy

what i figered was just a total random fight between Freddy and my tire...

now my landlord decides to put on his Perry Mason blouse and grill me on the witness stand in the park'n lot...ask'n if i had pissed anyone off…(by not gett'n them off) cuz…apparently to him…i should know how homo's can be haters when ya don't call them back...(i was gonna suggest he redirect his anger towards his mother) but i wasn't in the mood fer a piece of paranoia cake that early in the morn'n…my shitbox was bein' molested by chemically enhanced toxic smoke...so i let it go

shortly there after…as the smoke and firefighters faded into the mist…

a hot red headed 20 somethin' emerged from the back door look'n a bit frazzled…and speak'n in a strong "a dingo ate ma baby" accent…helped solve the mystery of the insanity that i witnessed that morn'n

so i guess crocodile dunce-dee was cook'n a pizza that caught on fire…

and instead of throw'n water on the flame'n pizza...apparently in the land deown unda...they try and smother it out with a sleep'n bag that they use as their bed...not realize'n that the situation may become combustable...so he did what any tweeked out twat would do and ran the sleep'n bag to the other end of the build'n to throw it out the 3rd floor window...and sparks from the sleep’n bag ignite his car on fire

oh PUHLEEEEEEEEEZ!

after chomp'n into yer hot pocket too quickly after take'n a toke from yer smurf bong...the pizza sauce had infused itself onto the roof of yer mouth...you unscrewed yer pipe and started swish'n yer mouth out with bong water to cool the burn...then accidentally knocked over said bong and an lonely ember rolled onto yer sleep'n bag cause'n the flames to start...and you were too fried outta yer mind to think rationally...so you ran it thru the hallways to hide the evidence just in case the deportation police were called in cuz you fergot to renew yer green card...then you tossed it out the window...and that's how the damn chaos started!

though...i still never did figer out how my tired got slashed...eh!...oh well

get off my dress!

some like it hot

oh what a weekend it was...from fireworks...to some pieces of work...

the spirits were high and flow'n in every direction...and though the rhubarb crumble was a smash hit...apparently i never got the memo that crack was make'n a comeback...and some spirited sideshow mother fuckers were a smash crumble'n apart from bein a bit high on some illegal spirits...

move'n on!

when i think of flames...alot of things are conjured up in my mind...

the yester years at summer camp with my brothers and sister...

roast'n marshmallows over an open flame

durin' the holiglazed season...images of ol' Bing Crosby dance in my head

of him sing'n about roast'n chestnuts on an open flame

of course...who can forget this petrified comedic classic

the original non heterosexual glitter bomb'n flame

and when i think of holier than though...A double snake holes....

i think of this folically challenged anti anal creamer Father Gordon "chaps my ass" Klingenschmitt

i guess Gordon hasn't  finished his spotlight dance with the devil makers...

and his obsession to rid the world of designer labels...cake decorators...and tea bagg'n competitions

must i REALLY have to break down yer book of fairytales AGAIN Father?

maybe i'm miss'n somethin' here...but haven't we evolved a bit over rules and regulations over the past 2000 years to fit our current times?

fine...we can play by yer RULERS rules for arguments sakes...

but that means NO cherry pick'n...so in case ya missed a couple of pretty important rules...you yerself...are probably not pratice'n...i thought i'd give ya a lil refresher course...of course

Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves...both male and female...
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations...a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans...but not Canuks across the border...

can you clarify pleez...why can't i own Canadians?

Exodus 21:7  states it's ok to sell your daughter into slavery...

what do you think would be a fair market price for her in this day and age?

Leviticus 15:19-24 states that i can't have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness...or i to shall be very uncleansed...

problem is...how am gonna know?...most just turn into a bitch if you make any assumptions

Leviticus 1:9 states that burn'n a bull on the altar as a sacrifice...creates a very pungently tastefully pleasing odor for the RULER's o factory senses

only prob is...my neighbors claim the odor is not please'n to them....shall i smite them?

Exodus 35:2  states clearly that they should be put to death fer work'n on the sabbath...so these next door neighbors kids insist on sell'n lemonade on hot summer afternoons...7 days a week...even after i read them this rule

am i morally obligated to kill them myself?...or should i ask the police to do it for me?

Leviticus 11:10 states though eat'n shellfish is a total abomination...it's a lesser abomination than bein' a flamer like my buddy says...i don't agree...

can you settle this tough one?...are there different levels to abomination?

Leviticus 21:20 states that i can't approach the altar of the RULER if i have a defect in my sight....i just started wear'n read'n glasses cuz of astigmatism

does my vision have to be 20/20...or is there some wiggle room here?

Leviticus 19:27 states it's totally forbidden that my male buddies get their hair trimmed anywhere on their nubile bodies...even around their temples

how should they die?

Leviticus 11:6-8  states touch'n the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean

can players still play football if they wear gloves?

Leviticus 19:19  states that those plant'n two different crops in the same field...are clearly violate'n the law...which my brother who owns a farm has done fer the past couple of years...and as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread with her cotton/poly blends

do i need go to the trouble gett'n the whole town together to stone em'?

couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair?

like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws...so says Leviticus  20:14

i know you have studied these passages religiously and therefore are considered an expertise in above mentioned matters...so i'm completely confident Gordon...that you can help sort out these sticky situations

if yer gonna live by the sword!...you must die by the sword!

or just die...a-w-a-y!

so there ya have it kittens...keep in mind...like i've said before...

i could really give a rat's ass what ya wanna believe in...you think a certain portion of the population will not be able to enter the kingdom of Casper?...that's fine...no worries...i'll be there serve'n cocktails til the cows come home i guess then...but seriously...if yer that concerned of my well bein'...practice what you preach...or get off my dress!