some like it hot

oh what a weekend it was...from fireworks...to some pieces of work...

the spirits were high and flow'n in every direction...and though the rhubarb crumble was a smash hit...apparently i never got the memo that crack was make'n a comeback...and some spirited sideshow mother fuckers were a smash crumble'n apart from bein a bit high on some illegal spirits...

move'n on!

when i think of flames...alot of things are conjured up in my mind...

the yester years at summer camp with my brothers and sister...

roast'n marshmallows over an open flame

durin' the holiglazed season...images of ol' Bing Crosby dance in my head

of him sing'n about roast'n chestnuts on an open flame

of course...who can forget this petrified comedic classic

the original non heterosexual glitter bomb'n flame

and when i think of holier than though...A double snake holes....

i think of this folically challenged anti anal creamer Father Gordon "chaps my ass" Klingenschmitt

i guess Gordon hasn't  finished his spotlight dance with the devil makers...

and his obsession to rid the world of designer labels...cake decorators...and tea bagg'n competitions

must i REALLY have to break down yer book of fairytales AGAIN Father?

maybe i'm miss'n somethin' here...but haven't we evolved a bit over rules and regulations over the past 2000 years to fit our current times?

fine...we can play by yer RULERS rules for arguments sakes...

but that means NO cherry pick'n...so in case ya missed a couple of pretty important rules...you yerself...are probably not pratice'n...i thought i'd give ya a lil refresher course...of course

Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves...both male and female...
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations...a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans...but not Canuks across the border...

can you clarify pleez...why can't i own Canadians?

Exodus 21:7  states it's ok to sell your daughter into slavery...

what do you think would be a fair market price for her in this day and age?

Leviticus 15:19-24 states that i can't have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness...or i to shall be very uncleansed...

problem is...how am gonna know?...most just turn into a bitch if you make any assumptions

Leviticus 1:9 states that burn'n a bull on the altar as a sacrifice...creates a very pungently tastefully pleasing odor for the RULER's o factory senses

only prob is...my neighbors claim the odor is not please'n to them....shall i smite them?

Exodus 35:2  states clearly that they should be put to death fer work'n on the sabbath...so these next door neighbors kids insist on sell'n lemonade on hot summer afternoons...7 days a week...even after i read them this rule

am i morally obligated to kill them myself?...or should i ask the police to do it for me?

Leviticus 11:10 states though eat'n shellfish is a total abomination...it's a lesser abomination than bein' a flamer like my buddy says...i don't agree...

can you settle this tough one?...are there different levels to abomination?

Leviticus 21:20 states that i can't approach the altar of the RULER if i have a defect in my sight....i just started wear'n read'n glasses cuz of astigmatism

does my vision have to be 20/20...or is there some wiggle room here?

Leviticus 19:27 states it's totally forbidden that my male buddies get their hair trimmed anywhere on their nubile bodies...even around their temples

how should they die?

Leviticus 11:6-8  states touch'n the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean

can players still play football if they wear gloves?

Leviticus 19:19  states that those plant'n two different crops in the same field...are clearly violate'n the law...which my brother who owns a farm has done fer the past couple of years...and as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread with her cotton/poly blends

do i need go to the trouble gett'n the whole town together to stone em'?

couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair?

like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws...so says Leviticus  20:14

i know you have studied these passages religiously and therefore are considered an expertise in above mentioned matters...so i'm completely confident Gordon...that you can help sort out these sticky situations

if yer gonna live by the sword!...you must die by the sword!

or just die...a-w-a-y!

so there ya have it kittens...keep in mind...like i've said before...

i could really give a rat's ass what ya wanna believe in...you think a certain portion of the population will not be able to enter the kingdom of Casper?...that's fine...no worries...i'll be there serve'n cocktails til the cows come home i guess then...but seriously...if yer that concerned of my well bein'...practice what you preach...or get off my dress!

CASPER...can you hear me?

fer those of you out there wonder'n where i stand religiously...

i once worked fer the J-man on sundays...but i never got to cash in like all those other lucky fuckers years later...well cuz i never wore that communal robe with the butt cut out

but now i'm just an alter'd boy from time to time...fer the right dime!

and like any great horror story...all good things must come to an end!

ever since return'n to the corporate world of incontinence seat'n in the powder room and Ogilvy runway models feed'n at the donut trough...

whose worlds revolve around kids and casserole conversations on a 24 hour loop durin' my 8 hour shift...the only solace i have from feel'n like i'm bath'n in a bucket of H2O...

is during the 55 minutes i get to breath in the freshly polluted air and observe the outside world

beyond my cubicle of H-E-double hockey stix

i've also come to the realization after 8 very unfortunate years...that there are 2 seasons in the downtown hustle and bustle of the corporate regime...

Antarctica season...and...

Casper crusade'n season!

let me explain...

usually start'n around the beginn'n of Easter and goin until the first major snow fall (hey these beaters sure know how to bundle up) some J-man or J-woman...groupie/stalker...ventures down to nicollet mall in the downtown

Minne-Apple area...with their oh so humble milk crate they just ripped off from the schools milk man they just mugged...and scream out loud in annoy'n agony...to all the hip blasphemers and horny idolaters...

stories from the color'n book of condemnation...known also as the real grimm fairy tales!

though it sounds as if they are merely recite'n what some mind controller

up above is make'n them say after shove'n bore worms into their ears...but somehow...decide to just pick and choose what passages they believe will save them and all of humanity from retribution from up above

well...after nose'n around this book of fairy tales...i've compiled a top 10 list of interest'n easter eggs they'd somehow ignored...since they may have tried them out a time or 2...but i have them here...just for yer reminder...

you dream'n about gett'n some super cool tattoo on yer body?

#10 Leviticus 19:28 states:

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead...nor print any marks upon you...I am the LORD"

 (meee-ouch)

think'n about buzz'n yer head and scruff to give ya that come f*ck me look?

#9 Leviticus 19:27 states:

"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads...neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard"

(seriously...stubble hurts when their poke'n around yer popcorn box)

try'n to visit the neighborhood psychic to get the winn'n lotto numbers?

#8 Leviticus 19:31 reads:

"Regard not them that have familiar spirits...neither seek after wizards...to be defiled by them...I am the LORD your God"

(Alex...can i get "jealous prick much?"...fer $500 pleez?)

hey non homosexual dudes...if you ever get in a fight at some bar and all of a sudden the pie hole yer poke'n decides to step in and help out by squeezing yer opponent's "tingly parts"...you'd best stop her immediately

#7 Deuteronomy 25:11-12 states:

"When men strive together one with another...and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him...and putteth forth her hand...and taketh him by the secrets...then thou shalt cut off her hand...thine eye shall not pity her"

(in simplest terms...means hands off bitch...make me a pot pie or you'll be pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers!)

you got a hanker'n to choke down a delicious BLT...yea well...think again?

#6 Leviticus 11:7-8 reads:

"And the swine...though he divide the hoof...and be clovenfooted...yet he cheweth not the cud...he is unclean to you...of their flesh shall ye not eat...and their carcase shall ye not touch...they are unclean to you.

(dear...the only pig meat you should be concerned about...is the kind yer try'na lock yer lips around durin' happy hour)

yer precious kitten feel like spew'n out some 4 letter words at ya?...uh uh!

#5 Exodus 21:17 states:

"And he that curseth his father...or his mother...shall surely be put to death"

(anyone under the age of 18 should be equipped with a mute button...PERIOD!)

thought yer life was set once you took that long walk down the aisle? well
accord'n to statistics...alotta marriages are head'n to hell in a handbasket

#4 Mark 10:11-12 states:

"Whosoever putteth away his wife...and marrieth another...committeth adultery...and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery"

(kitten...mommy adores you...but daddy won't be come'n home tonite...cuz he's a cock-suck'n-mother-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-trailer-trash-piece of worthless shit!)

plann'n on catch'n up with the J-man on sunday ladies?

#3 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states:

"Let your women keep silence in the churches...for it is not permitted unto them to speak...but they are commanded to be under obedience...as also saith the law...and if they will learn any thing...let them ask their husbands at home...for it is a shame for women to speak in the church"

(shut yer mouth WHORE!)

got a crave'n for a huge bowl of deliciously fried popcorn shrimp?

#2 Leviticus 10-11 states:

"And all that have not fins and scales in the seas...and in the rivers...of all that move in the waters...and of any living thing which is in the waters...they shall be an abomination unto you...ye shall not eat of their flesh...but ye shall have their carcases in abomination"

(mama always said don't trust anyone who carries their house with them!)

might be harder to find a bride who is a virgin than the other way around

#1 Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states:

"But if this thing be true...and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel...then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house...and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die...because she hath wrought folly in Israel...to play the whore in her father's house...so shalt thou put evil away from among you"

(yer nothin' but a slither'n succubus...a one woman Sodom and Gomorrah...a tramp...a street walker...A CHEAP WHORE...that's what you are MA!)

and now...thanx to those cheddar head vote'n WISCONSINNERS...

they to can now enjoy the party and chug down a cold one like the rest of us non hetero's in the holy hot pits of Lucifer's lair!

so if you think commit'n any of these felonies is gonna piss the J-man off...

then practice what yer preach'n...and get off my dress!