CALLOUSED CALAMITIES

i was recently reminded…a while back…by this mo who don't know jack 

that "str8 act'n and appear'n" is not the new black!

by that...i don't mean that african american...african european...

african asian or african african (did i leave anybody out?) non heterosexual men are the latest in relationship accessories

hot mixed interracial relationships have been around...

since Tom and Helen Willis of the "THE JEFFERSONS"

i'm not a complete social retard...but nor will i march in the PC parade

i've seen PRINCE like 3 times live...

and own almost all of TINA TUNRER's musical history 

(stay with me kittens...i will make my point...eventually)

no...what i speakith of is far more taboo...a rare hybrid sub culture of

the non heterosexuals who try and pass themselves off as "STR8"
by act'n and appear'n in a manner publicly that is perceived by others that they have the ability to completely fool members of their own naturally born non heterosexual race as well as those of the naturally born non homosexual race just to prove to their narcissistic riddled ego their inability to deal with themselves as a a throat plunge'n butt pirate

and in their feebly delusional mind...they also believe they can...get this

sexually turn a non homosexual into a non heterosexual and that THAT would then be their greatest accomplishment to their entire existence

well i'm hear to tell ya...ya ain't fool'n no one mary mary on the contrary

let's keep the "act'n" for the professionally trained....oh kaaaay laydee!

there are many theories of how this sub culture of no-no homo's derived:

too much fake bake'n with a spray tan before goin' to the beach on some tropical island vacation in the Keys...

Miller beer...

the RAM truck...

(fer overcompensational purposes due to their "shortcumm'n" i'm sure) 

watch'n all 4 seasons of "PRISON BREAK" on a loop 

(one word...WENTWORTH MILLER...meeeouch!)

these are just a few suggestions...there are a merried of theories out there

hold up...now before you go grabb'n yer picket signs...coon dog and hop in yer monster truck (and by that i mean yer work-out purse...pekineses and pontiac grand prix) i am not suggest'n in the slightest that some of you 

non heterosexuals out there cruise'n around along the informational highway on yer daily 5 minute break on adam4adam...gaydar...grinder...mancunt...scruff...jak'd or whateva social site you choose to cruise for the latest has-been or been-had by half the population fer some dimestore dick...are not just being yerself as you would...regardless of who was/wasn't present

a quick hiccup for those right wing'n apocalyptic fear'n anti-bacterial soap'n leave-it-to-beaver thinkers who think i or anyone of my naturally born non heterosexual race would CHOOSE to live this way...ummm ya...

pick a finger!

think about it...if we didn't have hetero's...we wouldn’t have homo's...

if we didn't have homo's...we wouldn’t have poppers...

if we didn't have poppers...we wouldn't have brain damage...

and if we didn’t have brain damage...i'd be the only one read'n this right now!

now where was i?...oh yea...

no...i am merely speak'n to the trend of non heterosexuals known as...

the socially retarded...chemically dependent...emotionally unavailable...self-loath'n...narcissistically rare mo'...otherwise known as the "muscle mary"

in the simplest of terms…a "muscle mary" consists of the follow'n...

high maintenance groom'n for a minimum of an hour in front of their bathroom mirror and decide'n which undergarment looks best on them to take that "all natural" non posed posed selfie to update their profile on www.peniledenial.com...

before head'n to the gym fer another hour of check'n themselves out in the locker room mirror (and who's check'n them out) and squeeze in enough time to take that "all natural" non posed selfie to update their profile on www.poundmetilthesunormecumup.com…

then do the usual work-out routine til they break a minimal sweat from check'n themselves out on the gym floor mirror (and who was check'n them out) pop into the steam room to see what they're serve'n at the cock buffet...

then publicly pretend they have no inclination of someone's existence cuz of the other person's acceptance of who they are...what they do for a live'n or how they may choose to dress themselves and whether or not last season's Prada bag falls outta their mouth every time they open it and their comfortness level around others in public…or that there is any remote interest in said person…

BUTT of course...

secretly are the first ones to have their feet stapled to the bedroom ceil'n before you get the front door closed on any random friday nite!

we hate to be judged however let's face it...we all have played judge...jury and prostituted our dignity fer the slightest acknowledgment and/or acceptance to someone we found remotely interest'n at a glance at some point in our life

oops...may have to back-up on that one there if yer not me (and why would you be) i can sense yer confusional delay so grab a ticket and hop aboard the catch-up train and i'll take ya there in a minute or so

i am and have always been…mostly…comfortable in my natural born non heterosexual body and mind (though bein a guinea pig for those governmental drug studies back in '93 altered things...just a wee bit)

i used to be the skinny minny that would get shunned by the hideously delicious muscle mary flock corral'n around in circles at any downtown non heterosexual entertainment establishment in my temporary town i've called home fer the past 31 years

until one day i joined a gym for personal and mental growth and all of a sudden the gates flew open and i was accepted as one of the flock...at first i felt like i had made a bad judgment in judge'n the judgers then i realized when it was discovered time and time again thru word of mouth...

within the flock...that i was indeed the unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe and durty gurl of the Minne-Apple...KRYSTAL KLEER…i would be shunned once again by the flock in public or on-line though privately via text or any on-line meat market more than a handful would prostitute themselves for my "ATTENTION"

and from time to time i would give in and disregard my dignity fer dick...however...i would just write it off as my charitable act on the month and to be fair...money was never exchanged...cocktails...cuisine and barely there conversations...yes...but never any benjamins...there by prove’n my point then block’n their A double snakes so i wouldn’t become a complete pity parade

why did i care what they thought? why does anyone care what they think? they don't! it hurts their brain too much to think…what…with their balls 

take'n up so much space...so in conclusion to erase any confusion...they are not trophies but a testament to the torment we all felt as an awkward teenager on any given playground try'n to just fit in

some were a friend...but that's come to an end

they're just an illusion...filled with chaos and confusion

i'm a buff with a puff...and a hella LOTTA stuff

they're just a mess...so just GET OFF MY DRESS!

FRUITY LOOPHOLES

i've been asked a merried of times since i was old enough to know which way i was gonna butter my bread…how do i know if i don't sexually like non-homosexual women if i haven't tried one...nothing against my lezbitronic sisters…but rarely am i asked if i might be one of their kind

the $64,000 question…that i've been asked just about…oh…i don’t know…64,000 TIMES!

let's join my life already in progress…shall we?

i touched lightly on this subject like a heavy flow day many a time before…

but recently i met someone who hadda deal with their own "come'n out" process from an almost completely sheltered society that deems it an act of an abomonation...so i figered i'd explore it one last time fer the cheap seaters in the back…just so there is NO confusion!

first off…it boggles my mind why anyone that has not give'n me…at the very least…a birthday prez (or a STD for that matter) would not be able to get their irritably-bitter-bible-thump'n-non-homosexual-baby-make'n machinery function'n properly if i'm not…how do you non homosexuals 

refer to it as again? "bang'n the beaver"

the climactic "butter'n the muffin"…

"poke'n the pie hole" or...

every non homosexual males favorite..."milk'n the melons"

don't worry…i'll get to "MY PEOPLES" poetic titles soon enough kittens

FYI…i don't believe in disclaimers…it cuts down on my traffic…so if yer old enough to open my world up with a simple click of a couple of buttons...yer old enough to know better…and if yer easily offended by offensive imagery...well...too bad ya ain't double jointed cuz ya can bend over and fuck yerself!

so where was i goin with this?…oh yea…how will it benefit or better yet

justify your existence and wash away yer delusionally warped thought process if you knew i actually committed unnatural acts on some cookie cutter cunt of your choice?

let's go back in time and see where it all went horrifically wrong...

i never got the "birds-n-the-bee's" story grow’n up in my household…

i just remember my dad as being this fun love'n…hard work'n grizzly bear tree trimmer fer the city…

provide'n for his cubs (at this point there was only 6 in the den…2 more would be crawl'n about the follow'n years to close out the 70's)

and mama bear...barely hold'n on to her own sanity...in the insane household of diaper rashes and dirty clothes

our understated moderately priced 19 inch zenith black and white tv...

was nothing to brag about..at least we weren't subjected or bothered with stand'n in sub zero weather fer hours at midnite to fulfill a fade'n fad...but it kept us entertained...when tv was actually tv...with shows like...

M*A*S*H

The SONNY and CHER SHOW

ALICE

The JEFFERSONS

and who could forget the girl who could turn the world on...with her smile

grow'n up on the chicken/crop farm that we did...there was plenty to do

from sew'n the seeds...while nature grew the seeds...then we ate the seeds…

feed'n the monstrous cluckers with my older brother Jim was it's own horror story in itself…

gett’n lobotomized by the apocolyptic off key karaoke band at the local comedy club on sundays...hypnotize’n you to throw away 10% of yer weekly earn'ns to fund the frocked up CASPER crusader’s lavish lifestyle was like a weekly trip to funny farm but a break from ours

i hadn't been touched inappropriately by a man of the cloth…or had any

"THORNBIRDS" thoughts (well...til i met my 7th grade principle at catholic school fer the 1st time move'n him into his new apt as an altered salty boy with my brothers)

i don't recall being strapped to my high chair and shown any of those

"boom chickie wow wow" movies involve'n steamy man-on-man action with my eyelids stapled to my forehead by one of the many cousins that used to babysit me...

nor was i subjected to endless hours of tap dance'n classes...though i would'a thoroughly enjoyed jump'n at the chance to be the break-out star in class and most assured that i'da excelled to the head of the troupe in no time at all

i pretty much knew what tripped my trigger at the tender and supple age 

of 5...i can actually pin point where it all began...when fingers found flesh and my palm pilot was ready to take off

i remember flipp'n thru the back of Joan Crawford's jc penny catalogs...

in the bedroom i shared with 3 of my brothers and completely ignored the cross my heart advertisements

and went straight (ironic huh?) for the Jim Palmer underwear ads 

(this was the actual ad)

i would get to relive my fascination with the full male formation when we moved into our new house on 4th st years later and i seen my first full man on woman porn at the still tender (but already impressed) age of 13 while visit'n my cousin's console tv with 2 of my sibs one summer afternoon...

who lived on the other side of our back yard and know'n the only thing i wanted to do to the nekid baby maker in the movie was back comb her hair a bit more (let me clarify...it was above her shoulders...and NOT below her boulders)

all my sibs decided to take that arduous road & go the Bundy route in life

live'n their naturally born lives...and are as happy as married couples can get i suppose...though you and i are well aware there have always been sexually suppressed married couples

live'n in denial due to societies standards and ignorance as a whole (thankfully times are a change'n though) but that ain't my prob kittens…i never ordered those "issues" and have cancelled my subscription to others who've tried to sign me up to their blister'n yet bountiful membership...i just realized after 50...i don't particularly like stretch marks that much

basically...in the end...let me end it with these thoughtful words of wisdom

if i ain't fuck'n you...or you ain't fuck'n me...then WHY OH WHY...do you care who i fuck? cuz i certainly don't give 2 fucks who yer fuck'n!

so there ya have it kittens…looks like society or the entertainment industry as a whole had nutt'n to do with my sexually flavored behavior…but if 

yer STILL not convinced i'm happy just the way i am…then FINE! how do YOU know you don't like a meaty tooth chipper?

or give’n it a go at bein’ the best sword swallower?

perhaps a thick piece of meat (cut or uncut) choke'n the back of yer throat…or better yet...

remove'n yer lungs?

perhps tea bagg'n is more yer taste?

punch'n into Charlie and the Chocolate factory can be entertain'n…

provided the factory is cleaned out thuroughly of course...no one loves a burrito pinata!

in conclusion…i was born a happy non heterosexual child...

(for the most part) who just happens to enjoy cock-a-doodle-do

BUTT this alone...

 does not define me as a person just wait'n for someone to chant my name...while jump'n off a cliff!

stop with try'n to convert…indoctrinate…pass judgment or strip us of our

dignity...without slipp'n a dollar in the ol' g-string first of course...whom you think are live'n in sin...since me and a large population of non-heterosexuals are not doin it to you

i can admit though...i've been around those from my side of the fence who think they can and make it their mission in life to try to convert defectors 

from the other side...but really...if they have any indication of interest...it's probably a good guess that they haven't cancelled their subscription just yet...so...game over! well...unless you got a rag and a bottle of chloroform handy (although i'm pretty sure that's considered part of the rape category at that point)

so if yer a non homosexual male who's doesn't like COCK…

or yer a non homosexual female who doesn't like PUSSY…

then eat what's on yer own damn plate...happy holiglaze kittens...now GET OFF MY DRESS!