FRUITY LOOPHOLES

i've been asked a merried of times since i was old enough to know which way i was gonna butter my bread…how do i know if i don't sexually like non-homosexual women if i haven't tried one...nothing against my lezbitronic sisters…but rarely am i asked if i might be one of their kind

the $64,000 question…that i've been asked just about…oh…i don’t know…64,000 TIMES!

let's join my life already in progress…shall we?

i touched lightly on this subject like a heavy flow day many a time before…

but recently i met someone who hadda deal with their own "come'n out" process from an almost completely sheltered society that deems it an act of an abomonation...so i figered i'd explore it one last time fer the cheap seaters in the back…just so there is NO confusion!

first off…it boggles my mind why anyone that has not give'n me…at the very least…a birthday prez (or a STD for that matter) would not be able to get their irritably-bitter-bible-thump'n-non-homosexual-baby-make'n machinery function'n properly if i'm not…how do you non homosexuals 

refer to it as again? "bang'n the beaver"

the climactic "butter'n the muffin"…

"poke'n the pie hole" or...

every non homosexual males favorite..."milk'n the melons"

don't worry…i'll get to "MY PEOPLES" poetic titles soon enough kittens

FYI…i don't believe in disclaimers…it cuts down on my traffic…so if yer old enough to open my world up with a simple click of a couple of buttons...yer old enough to know better…and if yer easily offended by offensive imagery...well...too bad ya ain't double jointed cuz ya can bend over and fuck yerself!

so where was i goin with this?…oh yea…how will it benefit or better yet

justify your existence and wash away yer delusionally warped thought process if you knew i actually committed unnatural acts on some cookie cutter cunt of your choice?

let's go back in time and see where it all went horrifically wrong...

i never got the "birds-n-the-bee's" story grow’n up in my household…

i just remember my dad as being this fun love'n…hard work'n grizzly bear tree trimmer fer the city…

provide'n for his cubs (at this point there was only 6 in the den…2 more would be crawl'n about the follow'n years to close out the 70's)

and mama bear...barely hold'n on to her own sanity...in the insane household of diaper rashes and dirty clothes

our understated moderately priced 19 inch zenith black and white tv...

was nothing to brag about..at least we weren't subjected or bothered with stand'n in sub zero weather fer hours at midnite to fulfill a fade'n fad...but it kept us entertained...when tv was actually tv...with shows like...

M*A*S*H

The SONNY and CHER SHOW

ALICE

The JEFFERSONS

and who could forget the girl who could turn the world on...with her smile

grow'n up on the chicken/crop farm that we did...there was plenty to do

from sew'n the seeds...while nature grew the seeds...then we ate the seeds…

feed'n the monstrous cluckers with my older brother Jim was it's own horror story in itself…

gett’n lobotomized by the apocolyptic off key karaoke band at the local comedy club on sundays...hypnotize’n you to throw away 10% of yer weekly earn'ns to fund the frocked up CASPER crusader’s lavish lifestyle was like a weekly trip to funny farm but a break from ours

i hadn't been touched inappropriately by a man of the cloth…or had any

"THORNBIRDS" thoughts (well...til i met my 7th grade principle at catholic school fer the 1st time move'n him into his new apt as an altered salty boy with my brothers)

i don't recall being strapped to my high chair and shown any of those

"boom chickie wow wow" movies involve'n steamy man-on-man action with my eyelids stapled to my forehead by one of the many cousins that used to babysit me...

nor was i subjected to endless hours of tap dance'n classes...though i would'a thoroughly enjoyed jump'n at the chance to be the break-out star in class and most assured that i'da excelled to the head of the troupe in no time at all

i pretty much knew what tripped my trigger at the tender and supple age 

of 5...i can actually pin point where it all began...when fingers found flesh and my palm pilot was ready to take off

i remember flipp'n thru the back of Joan Crawford's jc penny catalogs...

in the bedroom i shared with 3 of my brothers and completely ignored the cross my heart advertisements

and went straight (ironic huh?) for the Jim Palmer underwear ads 

(this was the actual ad)

i would get to relive my fascination with the full male formation when we moved into our new house on 4th st years later and i seen my first full man on woman porn at the still tender (but already impressed) age of 13 while visit'n my cousin's console tv with 2 of my sibs one summer afternoon...

who lived on the other side of our back yard and know'n the only thing i wanted to do to the nekid baby maker in the movie was back comb her hair a bit more (let me clarify...it was above her shoulders...and NOT below her boulders)

all my sibs decided to take that arduous road & go the Bundy route in life

live'n their naturally born lives...and are as happy as married couples can get i suppose...though you and i are well aware there have always been sexually suppressed married couples

live'n in denial due to societies standards and ignorance as a whole (thankfully times are a change'n though) but that ain't my prob kittens…i never ordered those "issues" and have cancelled my subscription to others who've tried to sign me up to their blister'n yet bountiful membership...i just realized after 50...i don't particularly like stretch marks that much

basically...in the end...let me end it with these thoughtful words of wisdom

if i ain't fuck'n you...or you ain't fuck'n me...then WHY OH WHY...do you care who i fuck? cuz i certainly don't give 2 fucks who yer fuck'n!

so there ya have it kittens…looks like society or the entertainment industry as a whole had nutt'n to do with my sexually flavored behavior…but if 

yer STILL not convinced i'm happy just the way i am…then FINE! how do YOU know you don't like a meaty tooth chipper?

or give’n it a go at bein’ the best sword swallower?

perhaps a thick piece of meat (cut or uncut) choke'n the back of yer throat…or better yet...

remove'n yer lungs?

perhps tea bagg'n is more yer taste?

punch'n into Charlie and the Chocolate factory can be entertain'n…

provided the factory is cleaned out thuroughly of course...no one loves a burrito pinata!

in conclusion…i was born a happy non heterosexual child...

(for the most part) who just happens to enjoy cock-a-doodle-do

BUTT this alone...

 does not define me as a person just wait'n for someone to chant my name...while jump'n off a cliff!

stop with try'n to convert…indoctrinate…pass judgment or strip us of our

dignity...without slipp'n a dollar in the ol' g-string first of course...whom you think are live'n in sin...since me and a large population of non-heterosexuals are not doin it to you

i can admit though...i've been around those from my side of the fence who think they can and make it their mission in life to try to convert defectors 

from the other side...but really...if they have any indication of interest...it's probably a good guess that they haven't cancelled their subscription just yet...so...game over! well...unless you got a rag and a bottle of chloroform handy (although i'm pretty sure that's considered part of the rape category at that point)

so if yer a non homosexual male who's doesn't like COCK…

or yer a non homosexual female who doesn't like PUSSY…

then eat what's on yer own damn plate...happy holiglaze kittens...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

G.I. Josephine

close yer eyes and picture it...september 17th 1972

well if ya do...just make sure there's someone next to you read'n you this weeks late break'n ramblin's kitten...otherwise yer not gonna get anywhere...so anywho'zll'ding...

most of us born before the Cabbage patch crazy...totally remember fall'n in love with the out spoken antics of one cross dress'n Corporal Klinger...

who originally planned on hopp'n a plane in Toledo Ohio...head'n to Oshkosh Wisconsin...to compete in the MISS CHEDDAR HEAD competition that year...but somehow boarded the wrong plane after he asphyxiated on his Aqua Net while back comb'n his wig to the heavens and ended up in the middle of the Korean War fer 11 seasons...though he did his damnedest try'n to come up with as many many fabooshka outfits he could to convince the general he wasn't fit to fight...and though it never worked...he made the most of a bad situation and still served along his fellow troops like everyone else

fast forward to 40 years later...and a middle of the nite tweet 

from our TWITTER BITCH in command & outta control...state'n that the transgendered soldiers were a burden on the country's military expenses by about 8 million a year roughly for medical costs

but has ZERO prob with the military spend'n in upwards to over $42 million on dysfucktional dicks

the transgendered community has been fight'n fer their rights and their country fer years and DO NOT deserve to be treated any less than anyone else...regardless what yer fuck'n VOODOO religions preach to you...BOY GEORGE even dedicated a song to their struggles 20 years ago

and we certainly don't need some bloated pussy grabb'n cheezey ball'd basturd slug try'na tell us he consulted with the top military brass...when we...the unlobotomized  unbelievers...who never drank his "juice"...know full well he's lie'n thru his perfectly polished dentures

don't even get me started on his boy scout bullshit rant the other week...i mean what in the H-E-double hockey sticks were the scout masters think he was gonna talk about?...how to build the most beautiful bunt cake outta bark shave'ns and berries in 3 easy steps?

and like he would act any different when invited to speak fer the popo convention?

and since were on the topic of pricks with no purpose...what about the bullshit that crypt keep'n McCain try'd pull'n the other week after gett'n the of cadillac of chemo treatments with his sushy healthcare just to turn around and try'na blow'n up the healthcare system that saved his pathetic pancake ass...luckily redeem'n himself a week later by give'n the final FUCK YOU to our TWITTER BITCH's plans to destroy healthcare fer million without

but lets give credit where credit is due and not ferget the 2 republican sista's that we're already doin it fer themselves

but don't take my word fer it...why not listen to this brassy loud mouthed babe...Miss Bernhard...tell it a bit more eloquently than me...& how most of americans are feel'n currently in this fucked up reality show of an administration

luckily there's some sanity in the world...so if yer in the BIG APPLE...

 and wanna see reason this broadway season to thee hottest and most important show in town by the ever entertain'n political satirist...Mr. Moore...get yer tickets here

so call yer senators demand'n them to step the fuck up with this...

ass wipe administration...that is all!...now get off my dress!