well...leave it to the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR to work the system
to her advantage once again after 40 years strong in the biz fer brilliant free promotion of her up-come'n sold out MADAME X TOUR (pre-covid) that will be air'n on NETFLIX in the come'n months...
thanx to Colorado reTRUMPlicunt and spokesman fer fierce cinnamon flavored anal suppositories Ken Buck who had the unmitigated balls to deflect guilt from his mentally deranged orange anal wart client and former SOCIOPATHETIK SACK of EVIL SHIT of the WH by blame'n the likes of MADONNA (though secretly...i was...as i'm sure M herself was bein' gloriously giddy that she got a mention at his 2nd impeachment trial)
thing is...though MADONNA may have mentioned a while back that she thought about "blow'n up" the white house...EVERYONE with a work'n brain cell knew that it was absofuckinglutely hyberbolic jive talk...just like when fire-crack’n comic genius KATHY GRIFFIN's infamous "bloody handbag" of said former SOCIOPATHETIK SACK of EVIL SHIT of the WH marinated in Heinz A1 sauce pic was released...she NEVER ACTUALLY planned on chopp'n off his head
though i can freely admit...WE ALL FUCK'N THOUGHT of chew'n off his gelatinous filled head like a political prey'n mantis just to shut him the fuck up over the past 4 years...don't lie kittens!
on the other hand...jan 6th was FUCK'N REAL! so can we puhleez get over all these damn fake comparisons already?
and remember these 43 complicit treacherous insurrectionist asswipes in 2022...MAKE THEM PAY dearly at the ballot box!
i desperately needed to distract from the fact that i'm completely over hear'n and or report'n about that mentally deranged sack of shit any longer so let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time to a much better time
it was the winter of ‘95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in ‘91...when i met my very first Minne-Apple
"friend" off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...
before all the .com's and grindr's came into production...named Curtis...he was this statuesque blonde...which...unless you were some peroxided pariah like my high school hard on BILLY IDOL or MADONNA...
i normally had zero interest sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room but Curtis had a presence though it only amounted into an occasional slap and tickle from time to time...i was completely hooked on him as recreational entertainment...unfortunately he was also hooked but on other sorta "recreational entertainment"
that i just couldn't participate in...due to that republican toothpick Nancy in the 80's...gett'n under my skin with her campaign
it took roughly 2 months to finally find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least part-time anyways) as he was worried about what my reaction would be apparently and he told me i was never to grace the stage though years later...there i was and i would carry that same torch when i met any potential interest...luckily for me though...i don't give two fucks about
other closet cases reactions to it anymore...nonetheless Curtis took me to work one even'n...which at the time felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me (unlike the dilapidated shit hole it's unfortunately become these days) cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter any bar...
and goin from flats to fuck-me-pumps was a HUGE deal (much like me) i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by it on the bus head'n to work and so desperately wanted inside...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my granimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm...i was totally over the moon when he told me he was an actual perform'n illusionist and he could get me in to meet the rest of the performers
my 1st taste and fascination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to bein’ sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey
my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show...his guest that day absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin
Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet) but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation back from the dead cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection! and of course who can forget Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY
i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!
early one morn'n...at roughly around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...
ummm...ya right! "i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye" i recall mutter'n from my narcoleptic nap
well...curiosity killed my meow meow and sure enough...i skampered to the window downstairs and seen this huge ass black stretch monstrosity on wheels wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on my over-sized studded jacket (to give me an impossibly smaller waist than i already had...at the time) and my imitation doc martens and out the door i flew like a humming bird on crack
as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the Minne-Apple...EVER! along with Annie Lennox...Marion...Miles...Curtis and some other gurl (who's name i can't remember at the moment cuz my metamucil martini kicked in) who took me on a tour of the Minne-Apple i'll never ferget
over to that gal's house who was gonna make it after all...then down
around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop and all 6 beauties got out...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge from the previous hours prior...as me and the limo driver busted our A double snakes off in the limo laugh'n like mad...a postcard that could'a totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"
2 years later Curtis would surprise me with tickets to see my high school hero perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him and even though it never did transpire i was on cloud 9
BOY's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz some pain in the A double snakes non heterosexual's that couldn't shut their traps
2 years after that...i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most fab cd "CHEAPNESS AND BEAUTY"
and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN" (why not!)
contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock
that's cuz (as the mgr told me) i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...KITTENS...i nearly died!
the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look and
with the A-OK from my dear dear Peetrinella...i could barely contain my urinary track from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener since the tender and supple age of 13 when he sang so eloquently "DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME"
i had purchased 4 tickets total and gave the other 3 away to relatives...all i asked fer in exchange was a bevvy of beverages
i ran into the 90's mgr in the lil wrangler's room of First Avenue...where
BOY was perform'n that nite...and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his molesterary fingers...yea right pervie!
so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage (though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite) that as the BOY started in on his band's anthem & 80's smash "KARMA CHAMELEON"
i proceeded to blow chunks at his feet...
fer all that i don't remember that nite (which was about everything after the bathroom incident) i was completely mortified that my teenage dream received my undie'n appreciation...paid in puke!
it took 3 times...but i would FINALLY meet BOY during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway
and it was a total fluke that we would meet (and no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp. you pervie...but trust me...i'da gone there myself if i was read'n this know'n me)
i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it
and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London’s West End...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time...but i digress!
it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...if i never watched Phil...i never
would'a been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest (well...again i probably still would'a...but i'm tell'n the story here so sit down and read on) and if i never entered that look-a-like contest and got played by the pimp in the rest rooms at First Avenue...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!
10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky
i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage (though it's been sometime...but don't fret...i'm still very much alive) and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?
then i think he'd just say "guuuuuuuurl...you look SICK!"
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
