a lesson learned...the hard way!

i have friends who are absolute whores...

i have friends who are absolute bores...

i have had my shares of ups and downs this past week...

(and by that i mean i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much i was offered)

i had had all i could take and my cracks were about to leak...

(and i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite...(after doin my sexual charitable act of the week...hush up...i'm not dead)

fer the low low price of 5 benjamins...take'n my longest and almost dearest friend (well there was that one incident with and orange and narcotics many moons ago...that oops'd her into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category...but i say...why hold a grudge?) since i moved to the Minne-Apple...to the island of unwanted tchotchkes and abused and broken crap the local GOODWILL

(and before ya get yer PC panties in a bunch...i used to live in this epicenter of filth and regret...so put down yer tawdry torches)

my piece of crap death mobile...that i got by default...from my not so dear uncle...(who was forced into a raisin ranch months earlier fer his own good)...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this particular even'n...and instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not mechanically inclined to know what it means when things start to rattle and shake...and lights start flicker'n on my dashboard like i'm at a disco tech...my thought process just tells me...

you don't wanna hear the clang'n and clatter'n?...then act like a normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...with a personality disdain fer mechanics in general and turn the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and yer problem is solved right?

well...though i could tell my mobile was a bit under the weather...

we made it to our journey's end with no p-r-o-b-l-e-m-o... 

well except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead so they apparently fergot to roll out the the red carpet and present me with a chilled cosmo upon my arrival

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...
she packed up her purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*

i thought...way'da'minute!...WTF did my car just say to me?...i've give'n my share to the interracial facial foundation more than i can count...turns out...

my fuck...i mean...my fuck'n mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than a chinless dildo in spectacles 

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber a calm C-U-Next-Time this time...

after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company...and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to use one of her lifelines and phone a friend...SERIOUSLY?!

49 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me...

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n...at no cost...to date...he just asked fer my insurance policy and sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read'n my serial killer penmanship and asked me fer my name...i said " you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers to the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*...SERIOUSLY!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...but thankfully the president of my fan club came thru and jumped me and off i was...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital and figer out WTF was wrong with my POS car

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged head...in concert sing'n back-up with Loretta Lynn's "you ain't woman enough to take my man"...then all of a sudden...*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*...15 blocks from my destination...i noticed that my dashboard started act'n up with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go into ape shit mode... 

at drive'n Miss Crazy Colostomy Bag 2016 in front of me...who was move'n at the speed of the blind in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

the only thing that really comforted me in my desperate moment of need...was hear'n about the timely death of yet another POS political engine who can't even move his bowels anymore

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away...but i had ants in my pants...and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick...so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF...and i kid you not

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads logged off their Scruff accounts in droves and logged in my exact

coordinance into their GPS...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent...but after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes...if i'd give them a jump prior...

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest H2O...and a complimentary hand job in the john by some John...and though they encourage ritual bathing's and it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...

i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap...so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place...well...he try'da explain...in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

but i figered...my only solution at this point was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy...lip service agent...and then a mechanic to fuck...so i don't get fuck'd over again! 

now get off my dress!

may all aquaintances be forgotten

here we are once again...close'n out another year

with the fears (that eventually faded)...

the queers (that were hated)...

and a million tears (that never faded)

from the close'n of CASPER's house of hate 

to close'n in on sett'n a date 

how very quaint...this crypt keeper ain't!

so there i was wake'n the morn'n after xmas...with my x in a mess...

 and me in my dress...fergett'n the stress...but let me digress

i scrolled thru my feed...to read the lastest read...

but the only thing interest'n...was the LADY BUNNY in need

she started her poem...quite funny i thought...

but she needed an end'n...that couldn't be bought

so without an ado...and without all the glamour...

 i ironed out my thoughts...i hope it don't damn her

"TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS"

a poem by LADY BUNNY

 **with additional help by

thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...KRYSTAL KLEER

'Twas the night after Christmas
And all through my "house"
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Cuz that mouse smelled dead
But no corpse could I find
I checked on my gerbil
It was in my behind.
I'm not a troll
Who lives under a bridge
But the last mouse I found
Was inside of my fridge...

(**insert KRYSTAL KLEER's response here) 

i named him Poonanee

the cutest lil fellow 

a christmas surprise
now frozen in my jello

 
i shrieked when i saw him

float'n still amongst the berries

"i can't serve this to my guests" i thought
"they're a bunch of non heterosexual wannabe vegan mary's"

i tossed and i turned
then i thought it would be hilarious

i'll spread on some whipped cream
and serve it to Joey Arias

she steal'n my spotlight
in Christmas with the Crawford's

that low down dirty cunt
looks more like some dirty paw turds

one by one
my posse would arrive

 
my apartment smelt like Auschwitz
where barely anyone survived

i lit all my pine candles
and febreezed my place like hell

i had to do somethin quick
to cover that deadly smell

first in came Miss Jackie Beat...

next up was Miss CoCo Peru...

 
Lypsinka looked absolutely smash'n...

unfortunately so did Miss Ru

everyone i could think of
had made it thru my door

"hmmm" i thought "am i miss'n anyone?"
then in walks Miss AMANDA LEPORE

i summoned my helper
to serve my guests wine

and much to their amusement
it was none other than Miss Sherry Vine

then finally Miss Arias arrived
from craigslist he found this fellow

 
oh...i could barely contain myself
i couldn't wait to serve Joey my jello

we all sipped on cocktails
while Miss Beat sipped her carrot juice

then Joey's man introduced himself
he said ''hi...my name is Bruce''

as we sat down fer dinner
i sat next to Bruce

they all loved my cook'n
well...except for maybe the goose

the time it had come
to open all the presents

but i hadn't served dessert yet
to all my famous pheasants

i topped off their glasses
i thought i'd be nice

 
then i dished out the jello
and gave Joey the first slice

she poked and she prodded
til Poonanee's tail fell out

she freaked and she screamed
i said ''Joey...it's Christmas...pleez don't shout!''

''there's a dead mouse in my jello''
as i heard her exclaim

paybacks a bitch ain't it
she's got no one to blame

Joey leaped from her chair
and ran out of my house

all because she was served my jello
with a dead gelatinous mouse

the moral of this story is
and i hate to be so blunt

i am the LADY BUNNY
so don't fuck with me cunt!

Happy New Year!

now get off my dress!