THE WAY WE WERE

picture it kittens...the year was 1973 and K-K-K-K-ATIE MOROSKY who

was played by that semi operatic anti war protestor BARBARA STREISAND fall'n in love with this uppity waspy classmate of hers that had his sites set on hollyweird named HUBBEL played by the righteous ROBERT REDFORD who could barely remember "THE WAY WE WERE" by film's end

CARLY SIMON topped the charts by bottom'n out all those egotistical narcissist's everywhere with her backhand sammich hit "YOU'RE SO VAIN"

and WALTER CRONKITE delivered the devastate'n news to all right wing maniacal anti abortionists everywhere

BUTT let's move on if you can...

fast forward to 42 years later (8 years back) and i found myself relive'n 

key elements of that time in space from 1973 (thanx to a FB memories reminder) see...i've been in the biz of show off and on fer the better part of 25+ years now and lemme tell you...things can get petty ugly at the drop of a dildo

with PRIDE month finally cumm'n to a close...i found myself reminisce'n 

of the last time when i participated in PRIDE...it felt as if i was right in the middle of a bad episode about some petty and bilious reality show once the claws came out durin' one pitiful PRIDE event after some piteous pigeon toed piranha tried pour'n a glass of pinot misery on my parade

so puff on yer virgina slims while slurp'n on a delicate glass of 2 buck chuck and enjoy this trip down memory lame

many many moons ago my sensationally savvy CEO and simply sublime

VP of my fan club had inquired about throw'n a new bash atop a certain downtown rooftop eatery fer PRIDE weekend in the Minne-Apple to try and wake up plus shake up this tired city...

with a taste of glorification and grandeur that this town had been so desperately lack'n fer (let's be honest) years sadly

we were toss'n up idea's as to who could pack the punchline in the lunch 

 line dur'in the annual non heterosexual parade...someone who was in yer face like date rape mace...someone quick with the whip that's still pretty hip...someone clever and funny so we opted fer LADY BUNNY

of course what roof top party would be completely complete without a lil

sprinkle'n of just a few savory eyesores eye candy butt models from Andrew Christian give'n away free underwear (and maybe even a few std's if yer lucky enough to get their number)

and then suddenly it was as if a tantrum tornado started to whip up from the west!

well...deposits were paid fer BUNNY and the boys at this unnamed eatery

nonetheless leave it to some self-centered bloated pig in wig to toss a pissy hissy!

trust me...she ain't worth mention'n (though i've worked with her before) even if she may be artistically inclined with floral arrangements by drown'n 'em in glitter and glow lites dur'in the holidays...

 she's nothin' but a maniacal merlot bore...nothing more and then i started hear'n rumors around town that she professed how she was the "MADONNA" of the Minne-Apple and that she made boat loads of benjamins every year at her brunch salad bar while she would have one of her many epic merlot meltdowns though she was extremely elated when she heard that some "huge corporation" wanted to sponsor her sad soiree...

here's the deal-o unfortunately (i hate to be the bearer of bad news) the "HUGE CORPORATION" she was referr'n to was the CEO and VP of MY fan club...and truth be told...this annual event had been loose'n money year after year which was in dire need of a defibrillator with a new name and a new cast that could bring it back to life and bring in the big bucks...however...the owner did not see eye to eye with my fan club members...

 cuz even though he lost money year after year...he felt some loyalty to this self-involved eye sore...nonetheless said we could still do the party as planned as long as they forked over a bundle to cover his loses from the past 3 years before we would see a profit

 so my VP pulled the plug on the whole damn show and skedaddled outta dodge...though CUNT WEEDS was goin around town tell'n those who wished they could rearrange their DNA in the form of Helen Keller...that she had stolen the party out from under us...

 Alex...i'd like to take "delightfully delusional" fer $1000 pleez?

 though i was a bit disappointed...i was in no way expect'n the board of my fan club to cover someone else's mistakes...so i tucked in my tail and moved on as well

that is...until i recently read an article written by some snoreville ink slinger

who worked at some local mag rag mention'n how said CUNT had done floral arrangements fer the QUEEN's birthday bash

 and helped in the redecoration of Prince's throw pillows at Paisley Park in the 90's

 Miss "my name's on the marquee" drops as many names as fast as she drops her glass of wine and in the 15 some years that i've known this self diluted drunk...not ONCE was the QUEEN ever mentioned...

so i put on my Angela Lansbury cap and did a lil investigate'n...
only to find out that she was fired from the Paisley Park staff after a day fer bad mouth'n her boss and steal'n material from the purple paisley man himself...

 so there was no need to delve into this rubbish any further though my ghost writer (IVANA P) decided to write a retort to said fabricational story in some shitty monthly rag said "reporter" worked at to set the record straight once and fer all:

"seriously?...there's more holes in that story than a slice of swiss cheese 

and Bonnie & Clyde put together...this is just a poorly written episode of PR FLUF~N~STUFF!

if you REALLY want an exclusive...lemme tell you about the time me and 

Madonna decided to get away fer the weekend by hopp'n aboard the Starship Enterprise to the planet Uranus...

and had tiki cocktails and kiki dances with the likes of Cher and Ruth Bader Ginsburg"

now i won't give away this "reporter's" identity...cuz really...her legacy

and "integrity" is at stake apparently...H-O-W-E-V-E-R...fer visual purposes to this hard hitt'n story thru journalistic fantasy land...lets just call her "PELICAN"

this is the actual transcript between me and said "reporter"...

 via FB due to my simple freedom of speech

08/06/2015 15:26 

"just so you know, I'm deleting your rude comment."

08/06/2015 15:58

"just so you know...it's all PR fluff"

08/06/2015 15:58

 "Well, I wrote the article so I take offense to you publicly questioning my integrity. Please don't. If you have and issue with Richard (CUNT WEEDS), please send him a private message."

08/06/2015 16:01

"delete'n my comment is as humorous as that fairy tale yer try'n to sell to yer readers"

 

08/06/2015 16:36

"You can keep your rudeness to yourself."

08/06/2015 16:41

"you call it rudeness...i call it a comment to yer delusionally fabricated story"

"but i'm not the one try'n to win the Brian Williams reporter of the year award!"

and scene!

so there you have it kittens...the real story how it ALL really went down

all them years ago!

i look back and know that i have grown from this experience...however...

you fuck with a virgo bull...yer just ask'n fer my glittered horns!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

a boy called MARILYN

picture it kittens...35 years ago it was 1987 when 4 saucy gal pals from LA

had everyone contort'n on every corner of the globe pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic with their certified gold single "WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN"

4 sizzle'n blood suck'n boys from Santa Cruz were terrify'n the locals in the supernatural black comedy horror flick "THE LOST BOYS"

while a radioactive jaundice colored comical family of 4 plus baby appeared as cartoon shorts on the "TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW" fer the 1st time cement'n themselves as one of the longest runn'n cartoon series in history

and i decided to take a mental day from the hell of high school to stay home and watch some "MUST SEE' tv at 8 in the morn’n

after doin my usual OCD mark'ns in our tv guide that i'd do religiously on

every sunday nite to record "THE PHIL DONAHUE SHOW" look'n fer the weeks most interest'n topics i couldn't nor shouldn't miss though this particular week since i hadn't turned in any recyclables to purchase a 6 pack of vhs tape to record the program...i hadda play hooky

the house was completely emptied as Joan was off to work and my sibs

were all in school as far as i knew…though who knows...maybe they had take'n their own mental days somewhere else however this particular morn'n the house was completely quite and completely mine to rule so i could soak up the sites and sounds of who was to be the very 1st female impersonator to leave an enormous impression on my bedroom brown eyes of whom i couldn't take my eyes off of...the extraordinarily seductive JIMMY JAMES as MARILYN MONROE and once the hour was up i knew that my life was completely altered forever and would someday with every fiber of my bein'...i myself would become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER that i am known as today by my multiple personalities and my biggest fan i’ve never met yet!

i am way beyond thrilled to introduce the one and only JIMMY JAMES

and humbly honored he took some time outta his busy schedule this week fer a lil pow wow with me to open the eyes of my many kittens around the globe so we can all bathe in his beyond brilliant career

so JIMMY tell me when was the 1st moment you realized you wanted to do a proper MARILYN MONROE impersonation as a profession and how was it recieved by the audiences?

i won by a landslide the halloween costume contest in 1981 at the big popular gay bar known as "SUNSET BOULEVARD" it was a cash prize of $250! 

at the time i was working part-time at The GAP. it would have taken me 3 weeks to earn that much money. the next morning i woke up to count the cash again. i couldn't believe it! the crowd went ballistic for me. i blew kisses as MM and smiled and waved but the clencher was when i asked for the microphone and did an accapella of "happy halloween...to you...happy halloween to you..." the audience erupted all over again. it was that moment that i thought, maybe i have something.

who were some of the biggest influences that influenced you to become the absofuckinglutely fabulous female impersonator that the world and yer hard core fans like myself have come to love over the past 35+ years? 

JIM BAILEY for sure. of course his JUDY GARLAND was brilliant 

but his PHYLLIS DILLER was so chillingly accurate. he's the gold standard for female impersonation, for illusion, for doing the voices, for being a consummate actor

you must have oodles of sensational and salacious stories from meet'n fans and celebrities all around the globe since yer rise as MARILYN appear'n on the DONAHUE show...do you have any stories that come to mind that you'd care to share?

oh god your right, i have tons of stories! various straight men making passes at me that DON'T KNOW i'm actually male...

getting PHIL DONAHUE tongue tied...

getting Geraldo to dance with me as MM on national tv. he was very nice and open minded in the late 80's

i'm sure you met a handful of celebrities durin' yer illustrious career on stage...who were some of the biggest celebrities that you've encountered as MARILYN and how was their reaction?

i opened for EARTHA KITT and GEORGE BURNS. he thought he was seeing a ghost. 

in the 90s i finally met my idol BOY GEORGE when he came to my show in Miami. he wanted my boyfriend! LOL! 

i've hung out with DEBBIE HARRY, GRACE JONES, ANDY BELL from ERASURE, 

i've performed for my idols ELTON JOHN and WHOOPI GOLDBERG! so many magical moments.

 recording a duet with BOY GEORGE. it was never released but it's on YOUTUBE called "LIKE YOU DO"

now let's get down to the nitty gritty and reason fer this chit chat...can you tell my audience the excite'n project yer currently work'n on to cement yer legacy as MARILYN?

we are just beginning (with a GOFUNDME) to transfer aging videos and digitize photographs of me as MM. we are planning a documentary: "THE BOY WHO WAS MARILYN" before we can make the doc we have to make a sizzle reel to pitch the project (a demo reel) we've budgeted $9,000 for archiving about 100 tapes and tons of photos. we have to catalogue everything. i'll be busy all summer doing this. people are NOT ready for the visuals i've hoarded over the years.

what do you think of how drag is now thanx to the popularity of that other queens hit tv series as to when you began perform'n and do you have any fav-o-rits?

RuPaul and the World of Wonder have blown drag up HUGE! GLOBAL! my god what i had to go through when i was doing drag...i could not go beyond a certain level. we tried so hard. 

remember this is when AIDS was rampant. people were afraid and homophobic in many ways. it kept me from playing in theaters. lots of opportunities were not offered to me. i made the best of what i had to work with. the MONEY these girls can make now is mind-blowing!

i say to RU and WOW--CONDRAGULATIONS! you achieved what used to be impossible. they made drag acceptable, fun and mainstream. 

i like alot of the new girls: 1st of all BIANCA DEL RIO is GENIUS! ALYSSA EDWARDS,ALASKA,WILLIAM,RAJA,DELTA,TRIXIE.CHAD MICHAELS,LATRICE,JINX,GINGER MINJ 

& WILLOW PILL who cracked me up with "I HATE PEOPLE" i was late to the class because i was too busy. i didn't know who WILLOW was but when she did that number...i thought ok, THAT has to be the winner--i was right. i'm still singing "I HATE PEOPLE" LOL!! 

my other favorites are old school hags: LADY BUNNY, JACKIE BEAT, JOEY ARIAS, SHERRY VINE...these queens can still amaze and entertain the hell out of you

the last 2 years have really take'n a toll on many performers try'na make a paycheck...what did you do during the covid lockdown?

i did a quick pivot to LIVE LIVING ROOM concerts with my mama Josephine as my sidekick or as she likes to say "costar!" LOL! every thursday evening was a different show. i kept my voice in shape and kept mom busy with something to look forward to. i had a bunch of loyal followers (my tribe) who kept me from going insane and i hope i was able to give back too. i hope i made a difference

you not only sing MM live but you also had a hit under yer skirt with your own song "FASHIONISTA" that has become a drag and nightclub classic globally. it went to the top 10 of the BILLBOARD dance charts. did you write the song?

yup i did. i'm very proud of that! 

it's from my original album "JAMESTOWN" streaming on all platforms...i wrote all the songs. i worked with really good producers. i got over 35 million views on youtube. it still plays in clubs around the world. it gave me a relevance with a whole new audience. i'm very grateful

ok now we've come to the fav-o-rit part of this interview i like to simply call "let's talk about ME fer a change?" basically JIMMY ask me anything you wanna ask me under the rainbow (well except about rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism)

please forgive me for the last question. i need to look you up LOL..

no worries JIMMY...i'm just a simple unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...party of one...that will always be eternally grateful to you fer open'n up my eyes at such an early age and give'n me this mini glimpse into yer amaze'n world and can only hope sometime soon my name will be on the marquee after 25 years in the biz myself!!

i wanna personally thank the breathtake'n JIMMY JAMES aka thee world's greatest MARILYN MONROE impersonator (that's not up fer discussion...this is my interview) so in close'n kittens why not skip those lunch cocktails and that double expresso'd mocha frappe cappuccino latte

and DONATE TO A VERY WORTHY CAUSE before this legendary legacy is lost forever in VHS hell

if yer in the Houston area may 15th and look'n fer a good bang fer yer buck...catch JIMMY JAMES live by gett'n yer tix here before they sell out

if yer in the San Diego area may 20th and don't wanna waste yer covid cash on another town tramp...get yer tix fer JIMMY JAMES live here

if yer a twatter...follow JIMMY on TWITTER here

follow JIMMY on FACEBOOK here

follow JIMMY on INSTAGRAM here

follow JIMMY on YOUTUBE here

now GET OFF MY DRESS!