CASPER...can you hear me?

fer those of you out there wonder'n where i stand religiously...

i once worked fer the J-man on sundays...but i never got to cash in like all those other lucky fuckers years later...well cuz i never wore that communal robe with the butt cut out

but now i'm just an alter'd boy from time to time...fer the right dime!

and like any great horror story...all good things must come to an end!

ever since return'n to the corporate world of incontinence seat'n in the powder room and Ogilvy runway models feed'n at the donut trough...

whose worlds revolve around kids and casserole conversations on a 24 hour loop durin' my 8 hour shift...the only solace i have from feel'n like i'm bath'n in a bucket of H2O...

is during the 55 minutes i get to breath in the freshly polluted air and observe the outside world

beyond my cubicle of H-E-double hockey stix

i've also come to the realization after 8 very unfortunate years...that there are 2 seasons in the downtown hustle and bustle of the corporate regime...

Antarctica season...and...

Casper crusade'n season!

let me explain...

usually start'n around the beginn'n of Easter and goin until the first major snow fall (hey these beaters sure know how to bundle up) some J-man or J-woman...groupie/stalker...ventures down to nicollet mall in the downtown

Minne-Apple area...with their oh so humble milk crate they just ripped off from the schools milk man they just mugged...and scream out loud in annoy'n agony...to all the hip blasphemers and horny idolaters...

stories from the color'n book of condemnation...known also as the real grimm fairy tales!

though it sounds as if they are merely recite'n what some mind controller

up above is make'n them say after shove'n bore worms into their ears...but somehow...decide to just pick and choose what passages they believe will save them and all of humanity from retribution from up above

well...after nose'n around this book of fairy tales...i've compiled a top 10 list of interest'n easter eggs they'd somehow ignored...since they may have tried them out a time or 2...but i have them here...just for yer reminder...

you dream'n about gett'n some super cool tattoo on yer body?

#10 Leviticus 19:28 states:

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead...nor print any marks upon you...I am the LORD"

 (meee-ouch)

think'n about buzz'n yer head and scruff to give ya that come f*ck me look?

#9 Leviticus 19:27 states:

"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads...neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard"

(seriously...stubble hurts when their poke'n around yer popcorn box)

try'n to visit the neighborhood psychic to get the winn'n lotto numbers?

#8 Leviticus 19:31 reads:

"Regard not them that have familiar spirits...neither seek after wizards...to be defiled by them...I am the LORD your God"

(Alex...can i get "jealous prick much?"...fer $500 pleez?)

hey non homosexual dudes...if you ever get in a fight at some bar and all of a sudden the pie hole yer poke'n decides to step in and help out by squeezing yer opponent's "tingly parts"...you'd best stop her immediately

#7 Deuteronomy 25:11-12 states:

"When men strive together one with another...and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him...and putteth forth her hand...and taketh him by the secrets...then thou shalt cut off her hand...thine eye shall not pity her"

(in simplest terms...means hands off bitch...make me a pot pie or you'll be pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers!)

you got a hanker'n to choke down a delicious BLT...yea well...think again?

#6 Leviticus 11:7-8 reads:

"And the swine...though he divide the hoof...and be clovenfooted...yet he cheweth not the cud...he is unclean to you...of their flesh shall ye not eat...and their carcase shall ye not touch...they are unclean to you.

(dear...the only pig meat you should be concerned about...is the kind yer try'na lock yer lips around durin' happy hour)

yer precious kitten feel like spew'n out some 4 letter words at ya?...uh uh!

#5 Exodus 21:17 states:

"And he that curseth his father...or his mother...shall surely be put to death"

(anyone under the age of 18 should be equipped with a mute button...PERIOD!)

thought yer life was set once you took that long walk down the aisle? well
accord'n to statistics...alotta marriages are head'n to hell in a handbasket

#4 Mark 10:11-12 states:

"Whosoever putteth away his wife...and marrieth another...committeth adultery...and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery"

(kitten...mommy adores you...but daddy won't be come'n home tonite...cuz he's a cock-suck'n-mother-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-trailer-trash-piece of worthless shit!)

plann'n on catch'n up with the J-man on sunday ladies?

#3 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states:

"Let your women keep silence in the churches...for it is not permitted unto them to speak...but they are commanded to be under obedience...as also saith the law...and if they will learn any thing...let them ask their husbands at home...for it is a shame for women to speak in the church"

(shut yer mouth WHORE!)

got a crave'n for a huge bowl of deliciously fried popcorn shrimp?

#2 Leviticus 10-11 states:

"And all that have not fins and scales in the seas...and in the rivers...of all that move in the waters...and of any living thing which is in the waters...they shall be an abomination unto you...ye shall not eat of their flesh...but ye shall have their carcases in abomination"

(mama always said don't trust anyone who carries their house with them!)

might be harder to find a bride who is a virgin than the other way around

#1 Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states:

"But if this thing be true...and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel...then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house...and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die...because she hath wrought folly in Israel...to play the whore in her father's house...so shalt thou put evil away from among you"

(yer nothin' but a slither'n succubus...a one woman Sodom and Gomorrah...a tramp...a street walker...A CHEAP WHORE...that's what you are MA!)

and now...thanx to those cheddar head vote'n WISCONSINNERS...

they to can now enjoy the party and chug down a cold one like the rest of us non hetero's in the holy hot pits of Lucifer's lair!

so if you think commit'n any of these felonies is gonna piss the J-man off...

then practice what yer preach'n...and get off my dress!

and the winner is...

with all the hubbub surround'n thee official yearly foolery kick-ff...

to the holiglaze'n drunkery known as the seasonally reason'n to give up AA meet'ns fer the next 24 hrs st. patty's day...i completely couldn't be bothered to pick out my gown to host the annual FUCKTARD awards

well cuz there are no corporate sponsors this year...

and to be quite frank...uncle sam wasn't feel'n very generous this year when i did my returns... so i hadda think on a budget and decided i was stuck with just stick'n my neighbor in the back with a ginsu knife from the Paula Deen cutlery collection and scalp'n her head fer a new do...

like the pilgrims did to Pocahontas
well...cuz i didn't have enough money in the ol whore piggy bank fer the damn hairdresser...turned her ear rings into nipple rings...and "borrowed" her bed spread fer a body rap...(i don't need my dignity blow'n in the wind...this is an awards show after all kittens) but you have to admit...

the look is f-l-a-w-l-e-s-s!

since there was no sponsors...that also meant no red carpet...

and no red carpet means...NO LIMO...which means NO PAPARAZZI...

but the show must go on...so i hopped a fence and hadda fuck'n schlep my tight A double snakes across town to the Hurry Back Inn and set up my orafice

on some porcelain pony in cramped quarters...well...cuz i had the cramps from the shitty quarter taco's at the pre-awards party i held at taco hell fer myself...but at least i was able to stream a hot spot on my smartphone in order to do my telecast this year...so let's get this crappy award show goin...shall we

welcome to tonite's shittiest broadcast of the 4th annual FUCKTARD awards

let's just get to this year's nominee's...so i can get back on mine...

yea...i know...my "work" sucks...but hey...i gotta pay the bills somehow

and the nominees are:

LADY BLAH BLAH fer her "BORN THIS WAY" foundation...

which should've been aptly titled..."WHORE'N THIS WAY"...cuz really when ya break it down...she's just a high priced pimp in couture and all her lil fans aren't really lil monsters...there really just her lil whores

i was always on yer side to Missy...i even hosted a damn party to help promote you and yer tour bus...even though yer promotional peeps were too damn cheap to gimme any free give-a-ways...(that i could sell at a 250% mark-up on ebay to yer legion of desperado's want'n to own any crappy item with yer name attached to it)

i mean...i'm sorry about yer latest cd suck'n and all...but LADY...milk'n time is O-V-E-R!

yer very talented and inspirational to hundreds millions i'm sure...but would you please quit hire'n designers from the school fer the blind

and hook up some under paid homo's to put you back together again

Casper crusade'n cornholers Kevin Swanson and David Buehner...

for their brilliantly decoded review of the MOUSE house's blockbuster "FROZEN" and wonder'n why the Rose Bowl charade didn't include a float depict'n a modern day non hetero witch hunt stone'n

thing is...what this couple of sexually repressed internet trolls don't realize..."WE"...the non heterosexualites that is...have already infiltrated lil kittens minds thru-out the world via the MOUSE house fer years

remember PINOCCHIO and DUMBO?

how could you not pick up on the blatantly not so hidden non heterosexual message that bigger is ALWAYS better in those dick flicks...made me glad i never went back in line fer brains

with the massive payouts from the houses of CASPER lately...

it's become harder and harder to keep the congregation from migration...so a new aggressive market'n tragedy strategy was desperately needed...and one place of warped worship in upstate NY might have found just the perfect niche to bring back their flock

cuz i'm sure there's a passage somewhere in the color'n book of fairytales that reads Jeezuz once said 

"nothin' says love thy neighbor more than clutch'n onto a cold hard semi automatic"

Caribou Barbie's congratulatory speech on free speech...

leave it to Alaskan joker Sarah P to grasp onto any headline that will put her on it these days...even though she can't quite grasp onto the concept of the headline regard'n the DUCK DYNASTY fiasco...unfortunately her train of thought is about as lost at a Malaysian airline...the government DID NOT trample on Phil's freedom of speech...the network suspended him fer a minute (albeit to help their rate'ns cuz they're sink'n like a mallard full of buckshots) so nothin' was really taken away from Phil but airtime Miss Delusional 2014

before i announce the winner...i'd like to dedicate a pre-memoriam...

fer a very special past nominee that never actually got to walk away with a fucktard award...but will belly'n up the bar really soon...thank you fer the laughs Fred...sorry to hear yer cluth'n onto yer coffin door...NOT!...but if it's any consolation to ya...and if you have anything to do with it...i'm sure i'll be join'n ya fer happy hour in about 40 years time i reckon...try and keep the bubbly cool!

cue the memoriam music pleez!

***BREAK'N NEWZ***

as i predicted...the WESTBORO JOKER has kicked the bucket

like Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons would say...

bow yer heads and cue the somber celebratory music

and now...the moment you've all been wait'n for all nite...

oh i'm so nervous i could literally drop a meatloaf...and the winner is...

remember when that one slogan "have a coke and a smile"...

made ya feel all warm and saccrinated inside...as it chewed away at the enamel on yer teeth...

well...it now has a different mean'n...thanx to these billionaire bullshitters try'n to buy elections thru-out the country...

use'n this pre-menstrual maxi padder as their decoy to try and destroy OBAMACARE

well there ya have it...congratulations to all the nominees...though some of ya didn't walk away with an award this year...y'all walked a way a loser at the very least!

time fer my to rid my self of this jameson and regret...

so until next time kittens...get off my dress!