the X is out there

when start'n a fresh new relationship...as one does at some point

hopefully in their lifetime...after pick'n up the pieces from the past one and toss'n em into the incinerator portion of yer brain...once you've finally give'n yerself that much needed Ogilvie home lobotomy perm that you purchased from the corner store almost 3 years earlier...the very numero uno thing i've learned over the years is that you ought to never ever do...even if you think make'n yer very own STD with him is totally worth it...and that is...

YOU NEVER EVA open the X-files! (until you've made it past the 3 month honeymoon fuck festival and you want to bitch him out fer stupid shit that tests yer very soul by remind'n you of said past)  

 BUTT...this has absofuckinglutely nutt'n to do about to today's topic...

i just needed a segway!

with only a week away until the release of the HIGHLY a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-e-d

ALBUM OF THE YEAR...appropriately title "MADAME X" (in my opinion kittens...so don't go write'n yer senators...send'n me hate mail...or toss'n burnt croissants in my front yard...carbs are not yer friend) from thee absolutely undisputable QUEEN OF THE FUCK'N DANCE FLOOR...(in 2 missed Clairol colors...why not!) and i...fer one...am beyond fuckingly X-static!

as M does...she's give'n us tried and true fans that have stuck by her

meaty thighs all these years...with a handful of tasty morsels...to keep our toes a tapp'n and make'n us hunger'n fer alot more

with the 1st release of  "MEDELLIN"...duet'n with columbian sizzle'n sensation Maluma

completely destroy'n any televised performer with their performance at the 2019 Billboard award a few weeks back

next up M would gift us with her conceptual video and anthem fer those marginalized fans from whatever background with "I RISE"

follow'n it up with her duet with 23 year old rapper/song writer SWAE LEE...gave us what we all "CRAVE"

a lil appetizer "FUTURE" with 28 year old Athens Georgia rapper/singer/song writer/producer Quavious Keyate Marshall...simply known as QUAVO...will definitely lite up the dance floor at all those 4% body fat...drug induced...inclusive...red...white or blue fuckfest parties in the desert cities...once the dj's get a taste of it...

then serve'n us up a side salad with the thought provoking smorgasbord  "DARK BALLET"...til the full main course comes out on the 14th of june

which is appropriate...since it'll be her 14th studio album

though...it's technically her 16th i say...H-E-L-L-O!...how can they forget about "I'M BREATHLESS"  & "EVITA"...yes i realize they're soundtracks...but it's not like she recorded em in some empty refrigerator box behind Popeye's chicken...she recorded em in a damn studio kittens!

of course M will follow it up with a fanfuckingtabulous tour as usual...well...

X-cept this time around...M's opt'n outta the usual sold out stadium tours seen around the globe...and instead...replace'n it with a much more intimate theater tour...fer multiple dates in selected cities thru-out the planet...that i loved the concept of...INITIALLY that is...until you hadda enter yer info in a lottery and hopefully be one of the chosen few who would be able to attend...well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy when i got this news...

 

NOT ONCE...but TWICE (thanx a mill management team)

but it was oh so very nice of the management team to prepay fer the MADAME X cd fer me...just so i wouldn't have to cart my plump and supple A-double snakes down the road to my fav-o-rit local record shop "ELECTRIC FETUS" and purchase it myself

if yer out there and hear'n this from Lourdes Marie Veronica Ciccone Leon

as she reads you my desperately seeking susan plea M

or you just happen to be peruse'n the net on yer ipad late some nite while soak'n yer fav-o-rit Gaultier blouse in yer calgon...as directed by the label

P-U-H-L-E-E-Z QUEEN...can ya make an X-ception & help a queen out?

or if you prefer...we can pop a squat & chatter about A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G you wanna chat about that can't already be found by a simple google search with yer name

unlike the lame NY TIMES interview focus'n on yer age and all the material bullshit they came across while in yer presence

well...luckily "like a prayer"...(see what i did there?) mine were answered

and selected seats are now available to us unchosen few (at the very least) but you will get back to me on that interview soon...won't you M?...of ourse those lucky enough to have bought tix fer PRIDE in the BIG APPLE...will soon get a preview of what's to come later this fall...as the QUEEN M herself is set to perform at the 50th anniversary of STONEWALL in a couple of weeks

fer those who can't make it to this momentous event...but wanna relish in

 a lil bit of  PRIDE history with a snappy tee (while give'n back to a great cause) 100%  of  ALL tee's profits along with a digital album are goin to the TREVOR PROJECT...but hurry...sales end on the 14th

now get off my dress!

X...marks the spot?

we've all had those uncontrollable urges at some point in a relationship

 to make bunny soup...just to get yer utter dismay across...without the other person mince'n yer words into some sorta deciphered dilemma'd ambrosia salad

and trust me when i say...i thought i would neva eva say this...however...

as much as Bunny didn't enjoy mandarin food...nor a mandarin grand baby when she found out Charlotte was goin all intro vitro on her dilapidated ass...i got her point!

as much as i don't enjoy listen'n to raygay music on a caribbean cruise (cuz this is what happens when ya order a deeply discounted cruise vacation on one of those judgmentally judied non heterosexual hook up sites) i also don’t enjoy bein’ abandoned on a deserted caribbean island with a bunch of cock hungry gays try’na catch some rays...due to my abandonment issues

F-I-N-A-L-L-Y after 4 looong ass years...M will be release'n her much

 anticipated 14th studio album "MADAME X" appropriately on june 14th...

though really...it’s her 16th studio album...i don't know why they never include "DICK TRACY" & "EVITA" soundtracks...it’s all M...she recorded em in a studio...& not in some cardboard refrigerator box in some back alley on skid row in LA fer fucks sake

which is incidentally my other god's bday...BOY G

(yes...apparently that's the hip thing to do these days...drop every letter after the 1st in yer name)

return'n back to her roots...literally...i was ecstatic...at least...about 

the cover art with the obviously possible influences of mexicano artiste Frida Kahlo...Dee Sniders "STRANGERLAND" and civil rights american muslin mover and shaker Malcolm X...i was ALL on board...i get it...M's a majestic artiste...M's a freedom fighter...M will not be silenced!

then...yer single dropped!

sadly...after patiently wait'n fer 4 years fer somethin' fresh & ear popp'n

that'd make the neighbors call the cops cuz you played it on repeat fer 8 straight fuck'n hours...while they were try'na enjoy their day off explore'n their "cushioned caves" with the mail man...this was to be thee song fer open'n season of the QUEEN M...that will most likely kick off the summer season of anthems by her (like years past) with press junkets and the occasional tacky talk show performance to keep the fans die'n...til her tour starts later this year...

BUTT instead...

i litterally was like...HMMM...now where in the sam hell did i put that double cd set of  the late great LYNN ANDERSON's greatest hits?

i mean...i know Lynn never promised me a rose garden...but at least she was consistently sing'n about new fresh ways she could fuck you over! (and this was even after perform'n a quick car concert on repeat with my windows rolled down...along the highway at a moderately safe pace of 65 mph)

and i'm sorry to get all Glenn Close on yer supple and awfully mighty high

 alabastered A-double snakes at this point in the game...but i gotta get it out!

bein a life long die hard fan...ever since you told us way back in 1983

"EVERYBODY...get up and do your thing"...i annoyed the live'n fuck outta my sibs...each and every time when you premiered yer latest and greatest beyond brilliant music video at the top of every hour on MTV

when MTV was actually still a music channel that only played ONLY music video's

i've stuck with you and thoroughly enjoyed yer cross controversies

from the beach 

to the belfry

hey...ain't nutt'n wrong with a sinn'n saint...is there?

i can't even count how many times i've worn out yer on screen classics...

even though sometimes i hadda remove my brain and use it as a rubix cube to try and make any sense of it!

BUTT....M...

when i heard yer lead single "MEDELLIN" fer the very 1st time...as i was sweat'n my alabastered A-double snakes off from my work-out...i was hunt'n all over my car fer some dramamine...a pillow...and a paint by number of the cd cover....cuz this did not say to me... 

"EVERYBODY...get up and do your thing"...no it did not!

it was more like a song you would hear once the staff had served you yer lime jell-O portion...after you've finished play'n yer 20th game of canasta with the other colostomy bags at Shady Pines...and you needed to get in a lil cardio

Notre Dame may have been on fire...

but this single was not...FER ME!

wait a minute...that was maybe a wee bit insensitive...was that too soon?

whew...thanx M...glad you TOTALLY agree with me

lemme break down the lyrical sense that just seemed to make no sense

to start...that open'n line "one two...one two...one two cha-cha-cha"...it's like you were play'n hop scotch'n with yer finger tips and yer black platinum Am Ex card...at some random vend'n machine in Lisbon...try'n to decide what Portuguese child you wanted to purchase...while David was at soccer practice

then we ended up hear'n way more of  Maluma's columbian spicy voice...than we did of yers...ya might as well been market'n it as "Maluma (feature'n Madonna)"...i'm mean fer real..i wouldn't be mad at that...

yer always will'n to help out the flailing careers of many from PRINCE to RICKY MARTIN and MR KANKERSOREDASHIAN to name a few

"MEDELLIN" makes "SPANISH LESSONS" sound like a #1 grammy award winner

i get yer taste fer influential latin songs

this song just didn't do it fer me...like every one of yer other leads off of every one of yer albums you've give'n us since the very the beginn'n...

we were all "LIVING FOR LOVE"

we ja-dored that you "HUNG UP"on us

but where's the "MUSIC"?

this...as a lead...frankly lacked that la-da-da that most of us expected 

and by us...I MEAN MEEEEE...though i'm sure it'll grow on me...

like some beautiful fungus...once i hear the 1000 dance remixes by every available dj die'n to remix it fer the dance floor...cuz i have zero plans of ever abandone'n you M...

just let me make this KRYSTAL KLEER right here!

i'm still gonna camp out over nite so i can be the 1st one to purchase yer album...when Circuit City opens up...after all that i've invested into you to...

help feed yer kids over the years...oh look...i found my fav one

in conclusion...i wanna end this review on a completely positive note...

and i'm completely positive...that M picked this patch up at the Sotherby's auction

of the late great Pete Burns left over memorabilia from a couple years back...though i'm sure he's spinn'n around like a record that someone's gett'n some use outta it at least

now get off my dress!

****UPDATE***

the video just premiered...and now it all makes sense to me

though i'm still stick'n to the fact that this is not the strongest album opener...but watch it here and revel in her alabastered self!