DUNDER MIFFLIN on the hit series "THE OFFICE" played by charismatic nerd JOHN KRASINSKI (i can freely admit #1 that i never seen a single episode of and #2 that i ever ever plan to do so) was considered the sexiest man alive by some has-been newsstand rag...
everyone was gett'n "TIPSY" with that infectious bar song by one hit hot chocolate wonder SHABOOZEY...make'n it a whole 19 weeks at #1 (oh yea...he was the #2 fer sure)
and though their movie was #1...i thought it was more like a total #2 show just 20 minutes into it just cuz these 2 seriously annoyed the ever live'n wizard of fuck outta me whenever i'd see them redundantly regurgitate over each other durin' promotional interviews while marinate'n in their own vomitous self deprecation panties...
cuz unfortunately...i was already marinate'n in a shit show of my very own!
click here fer pt. 1 and here fer pt. 2
and now to put the nail in the coffin conclusion to
BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!)
so after inform'n my thirsty throat plunger that there would absofuckinlutely
be no slapp'n of the salami upon his arrival...i gave him the green lite to come over and spill the tea that he apparently needed to in person
as i opened the front door i could sense a sense of down right distraught
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in his demeanor as he showed up in his sunday best that saturday nite...so after lead'n him to the conversational area...
i poured him a cup of imaginary ambition as he poured out his immense heart...
about his most recent maxi padder's latest financial adventure that he unfortunately had a hand in create'n!
BUTT...here's the thing...
after tell'n me many years earlier that they both were open to the causal
possibilities of multiple maniac manipulations...you don't get to whine to me in the middle of some bleak winters nite just cuz things didn't go the way it was intended fer yer flavor...
though i sat there patiently like some mini german frosted flake...cling'n
onto every word that my now sexually distraught patient had poured out to me...play'n a game of emotionally exhaust'n ping pong...
desperately seek'n my sympathy fer the past hour to all of a sudden without any warn'n or inclination...suggest'n to me...
"you outta marry me so that cunt doesn't get any of my social security"
this was either some sorta evil twisted plot to pull the financial plug out
from under his double dipp'n maxi padder's persistent perverseness or someone who's come to the realization that their entire matrimonial parade was a calculated shrewd sharade...a blame game of monopoly misgive'ns where he would end up in some blindsided cell and i (a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y) was some sorta key to set him free (or so he led me to believe)
needless to say...i was absofuckinlutely gobsmacked to receive this very
indecently intrigue'n yet highly deceptive proposal cuz he was always give'n off co-dependency vibes from the very start...and i've been a very independent dependent fer years...though at the same time i said to myself...
i said SELF...i definitely DON'T wanna shitty piece of pretentious jewelry...
also...i'm no spring chicken anymore (well not without the help of a dimly lit candle and a vat of vaseline on the lense anyways to make me look like a fetus in a wig) i'm more like an i've fall'n and can barely get up feline with work'n parts and alot closer to rent'n a room at SHADY PINES than i want to admit...plus...
it'll be nice to finally settle down to some "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons and toss'n back a few metamucil martini's after my nitely lime jell-o tube feed'n...
before count'n sheep without have'n to book another flight to the red door clinic...hopefully!
oddly though...only 6 months into my proposed nuptials and i felt like my
euphoria was gett'n buried 6 feet under...all those rapturous matrimonial flutterbies had somehow...somewhere flown the coop and i began to contemplate if i was bein' duped...so fer the next 6 months i did what any insane devotee would do to change the stalemate situation they were now knee deep in and kicked it into over drive...
by not only suprise'n him with a nite on the town at some outta-my-price range speakeasy...
tickets to see the very sadly forgettable "PURPLE RAIN" musical...
merrily watch'n his mongrel (that i j'adored) on numerous occasions so he could get outta dodge...
but even JOAN CRAWFORD'n the fuck outta his pitiful palace once fer 6 hours after drive'n back early from a very bountiful turkey dinner prepared by my bff PEETRINELLA and all i got in return upon his return from outta town was "geez...did yer OCD kick in again?"
i hadn't broken my "boundaries" by bend'n over backwards fer anyone
like that in well over 20 years when i was embroiled in a tawdry and very tumultuous 4 1/2 year relationship that would give any sex therapist a run fer their money but this was just the salacious straw that broke this care'n camel's already sore back (mostly due to ride'n the waves in his waterbed) into give'n a single shit about it anymore and decided to mentally SARAH JESSICA PARKER my still supple and still smooth creamy white A-double snakes the H-E-double hockey stix outta his lair and vowed never to return and still haven't to this day!
mind you...i harbor no ill will towards him...it's just a learn'n curve ball
in the game of life...however...i know that my worth is worth it's weight in dollar store diamonds so if you think this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe is ever gonna chow down on another measly matrimonial bullshit baloney sammich any time soon...think again!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
don't go just yet...
***BREAK'N SNEWZ***
anyone over the age of 50 remembers that iconic sarcastically affectionate
landlady in those kaleidoscopically infused muumuu's...drown'n in brilliantly colorful statement pieces and topped off with a brassy red wig from the Eva Gabor collection in the mid to late 1970's...HELEN ROPER...on the sexually ambiguous slap stick comedy series fer the 1st 3 seasons (that puts me to sleep nitely) THREE'S COMPANY
since the lame ass Zombie pub crawls have become trife and troublesome
ever since it's been take'n over by corporate cover charges...a new wave of cocktail crawlers have take'n over the liquor lounges across the land and i'll be host'n the very 1st happy hour in then Minne-Apple area fri oct. 16th ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY FREE at the James Ballentine Uptown VFW Post 246 honor'n the late great AUDREY LINDLEY...who incidentally passed away 29 years ago on the very same day (who knows...maybe i'll bring my ouija board and try and make contact with HELEN myself)
i've even designed not 1 but 2 HELEN specific cocktails to immerse you into the experience....so grab yer gorgeous gals and yer fabulous fagula's...mock yerself up in yer fav-o-rit muumuu and come and knock on our door!
