X...marks the spot?

we've all had those uncontrollable urges at some point in a relationship

 to make bunny soup...just to get yer utter dismay across...without the other person mince'n yer words into some sorta deciphered dilemma'd ambrosia salad

and trust me when i say...i thought i would neva eva say this...however...

as much as Bunny didn't enjoy mandarin food...nor a mandarin grand baby when she found out Charlotte was goin all intro vitro on her dilapidated ass...i got her point!

as much as i don't enjoy listen'n to raygay music on a caribbean cruise (cuz this is what happens when ya order a deeply discounted cruise vacation on one of those judgmentally judied non heterosexual hook up sites) i also don’t enjoy bein’ abandoned on a deserted caribbean island with a bunch of cock hungry gays try’na catch some rays...due to my abandonment issues

F-I-N-A-L-L-Y after 4 looong ass years...M will be release'n her much

 anticipated 14th studio album "MADAME X" appropriately on june 14th...

though really...it’s her 16th studio album...i don't know why they never include "DICK TRACY" & "EVITA" soundtracks...it’s all M...she recorded em in a studio...& not in some cardboard refrigerator box in some back alley on skid row in LA fer fucks sake

which is incidentally my other god's bday...BOY G

(yes...apparently that's the hip thing to do these days...drop every letter after the 1st in yer name)

return'n back to her roots...literally...i was ecstatic...at least...about 

the cover art with the obviously possible influences of mexicano artiste Frida Kahlo...Dee Sniders "STRANGERLAND" and civil rights american muslin mover and shaker Malcolm X...i was ALL on board...i get it...M's a majestic artiste...M's a freedom fighter...M will not be silenced!

then...yer single dropped!

sadly...after patiently wait'n fer 4 years fer somethin' fresh & ear popp'n

that'd make the neighbors call the cops cuz you played it on repeat fer 8 straight fuck'n hours...while they were try'na enjoy their day off explore'n their "cushioned caves" with the mail man...this was to be thee song fer open'n season of the QUEEN M...that will most likely kick off the summer season of anthems by her (like years past) with press junkets and the occasional tacky talk show performance to keep the fans die'n...til her tour starts later this year...

BUTT instead...

i litterally was like...HMMM...now where in the sam hell did i put that double cd set of  the late great LYNN ANDERSON's greatest hits?

i mean...i know Lynn never promised me a rose garden...but at least she was consistently sing'n about new fresh ways she could fuck you over! (and this was even after perform'n a quick car concert on repeat with my windows rolled down...along the highway at a moderately safe pace of 65 mph)

and i'm sorry to get all Glenn Close on yer supple and awfully mighty high

 alabastered A-double snakes at this point in the game...but i gotta get it out!

bein a life long die hard fan...ever since you told us way back in 1983

"EVERYBODY...get up and do your thing"...i annoyed the live'n fuck outta my sibs...each and every time when you premiered yer latest and greatest beyond brilliant music video at the top of every hour on MTV

when MTV was actually still a music channel that only played ONLY music video's

i've stuck with you and thoroughly enjoyed yer cross controversies

from the beach 

to the belfry

hey...ain't nutt'n wrong with a sinn'n saint...is there?

i can't even count how many times i've worn out yer on screen classics...

even though sometimes i hadda remove my brain and use it as a rubix cube to try and make any sense of it!

BUTT....M...

when i heard yer lead single "MEDELLIN" fer the very 1st time...as i was sweat'n my alabastered A-double snakes off from my work-out...i was hunt'n all over my car fer some dramamine...a pillow...and a paint by number of the cd cover....cuz this did not say to me... 

"EVERYBODY...get up and do your thing"...no it did not!

it was more like a song you would hear once the staff had served you yer lime jell-O portion...after you've finished play'n yer 20th game of canasta with the other colostomy bags at Shady Pines...and you needed to get in a lil cardio

Notre Dame may have been on fire...

but this single was not...FER ME!

wait a minute...that was maybe a wee bit insensitive...was that too soon?

whew...thanx M...glad you TOTALLY agree with me

lemme break down the lyrical sense that just seemed to make no sense

to start...that open'n line "one two...one two...one two cha-cha-cha"...it's like you were play'n hop scotch'n with yer finger tips and yer black platinum Am Ex card...at some random vend'n machine in Lisbon...try'n to decide what Portuguese child you wanted to purchase...while David was at soccer practice

then we ended up hear'n way more of  Maluma's columbian spicy voice...than we did of yers...ya might as well been market'n it as "Maluma (feature'n Madonna)"...i'm mean fer real..i wouldn't be mad at that...

yer always will'n to help out the flailing careers of many from PRINCE to RICKY MARTIN and MR KANKERSOREDASHIAN to name a few

"MEDELLIN" makes "SPANISH LESSONS" sound like a #1 grammy award winner

i get yer taste fer influential latin songs

this song just didn't do it fer me...like every one of yer other leads off of every one of yer albums you've give'n us since the very the beginn'n...

we were all "LIVING FOR LOVE"

we ja-dored that you "HUNG UP"on us

but where's the "MUSIC"?

this...as a lead...frankly lacked that la-da-da that most of us expected 

and by us...I MEAN MEEEEE...though i'm sure it'll grow on me...

like some beautiful fungus...once i hear the 1000 dance remixes by every available dj die'n to remix it fer the dance floor...cuz i have zero plans of ever abandone'n you M...

just let me make this KRYSTAL KLEER right here!

i'm still gonna camp out over nite so i can be the 1st one to purchase yer album...when Circuit City opens up...after all that i've invested into you to...

help feed yer kids over the years...oh look...i found my fav one

in conclusion...i wanna end this review on a completely positive note...

and i'm completely positive...that M picked this patch up at the Sotherby's auction

of the late great Pete Burns left over memorabilia from a couple years back...though i'm sure he's spinn'n around like a record that someone's gett'n some use outta it at least

now get off my dress!

****UPDATE***

the video just premiered...and now it all makes sense to me

though i'm still stick'n to the fact that this is not the strongest album opener...but watch it here and revel in her alabastered self!

the snatch game

there are many many many methods of madness...

thee elusively exclusive single non heterosexual...myself included... must endure to find that perfect void filler fer the nite...only cuz their too lazy to commit suicide...or at the very least...fer the next 5 minutes until yer ACTUAL friends decide to trot their A double snakes over and pick yer perky A double snakes up fer a nite of regret by morn'n!

though it may seem demean'n...it's the world we live in...

us single gentle"laydee's" and not so gentle"laydee's"...have been reduced to sell'n ourselves like a well worn out used car to the highest low life you can find on line...under subtle hastags that suit you best like... #polesmoker...#buttpirate...#salamismacker...#onemansodomandgomorrah #ignorantincubus...#acheapwhore or #THROATPLUNGER...
just to get noticed these days

their is no more inter"action" anymore for the most part...it's just cheap...

enter"pain"ment to pass the time on line...it's like a Baskin Robbins of sexual frustration...many savory flavors to pick from...that YOU or THEY will just...most likely...take a taste test from with colorful verbiage and pictures...but eventually end up pass'n them up just cuz ya don't feel like waste'n yer gas fer some supposed hot ass...plus...there's a better flavor within walk'n distance that'll never show up anyways

in prehistoric times...caveman would dress up in their sunday best on a friday nite and head out to the local diner to share a brontosaurus burger and head home and pound it out til the stegosaurus's came home

 by the 1800's...it was all about the size of yer hat that really impressed yer slutty suitor

in the 1900's...it was best to wear match'n outfits in case you were caught chipp'n yer date's teeth by some treacherous non homosexual...you could get away with say'n that you were just play'n doctor with yer twin brother...
(oh those tricky lil knob jockeys) 

once the 70's rolled around...the sun would set as you roller skated to the closet Donna Summer discotheque...while display'n the correct color coded hanky in yer back pocket in order to find that perfect fancy fruitcaker taker that you were in the mood for that even'n...or just fer a simply quick afternoon delight

in the decadent 80's...it was all about tight shorts and pricey escorts...

and though it was the rise of QUEEN M...

it was also unfortunately the rise of AIDS...which meant you had to rethink yer animalistic instincts and wrap yer willy in rubber...porn was yer safest go to...to go to...to bust yer nut...so you would be invited over to yer friends and have an old fashioned ball buster party in the storage space above their parents garage...spank'n it while flipp'n thru their dad's back issues of Beaver Hut magazine
 (but secretly...you were just there fer the salami sword fights)

though the 90's were dominated by ritual bathers grunge...

playtime consisted of  phone line fantasies...sidewalk sales and park'n lot predators...though i would turn down 99% of the participants (the margin of error of course is plus or minus 2-20)...only cuz i didn't need another reason to have the doctor prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to cure...so instead...i opted fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...by stroll'n fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park...fer a ride home...cuz i was too tired to walk

and don't you whores start point'n fingers...i wasn't there alone

once the millennium came out...everyone was come'n out...

i fer one...was satisfied eat'n fer one on one fer a change...fer some change...not once...not twice...and by the third time...i knew i no longer wanted to be a laydee of the nite...cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before

now with everything bein' built on mistrust or absolute disgust...

from blurred and/or photochopped pix...most are just absolute on-line dicks with no pricks (hey everyone has their weakness) and it's become harder and harder...(and still without the use of a lil blue pill i might add)...to be bothered waste'n yer time or space to get yer "skyrocket in flight"

listen...i have no problems with relationships...i've had my share...BUT...

(and trust me...there always is one) 

even though i'm still "living for love"...i've done my charity work fer the time bein' with the last socially retarded...chemically dependent...emotionally unavailable but incredibly attractive and very loveable mo' i was with...and regardless of all the hoops and fruit loops i'll have to encounter along the way to find "the one" in the distant future...which in all seriousness...

is about as real as the unicorn...i'll do it all over again...someday!

but let's be real kittens...no self respect'n...self indulgent hussy...from twink to twi-lite years...wants to should have to be bobb'n fer blue balls in the steam room on a friday nite...while yer still hope'n to find that perfect #1...that isn't completely full of #2

who knows how the future of fantastic fornications will play out...

but i fer one...plan on participate'n!

now get off my dress!