over & out

much like our chetto'd TWITTER BITCH's outta control and unfortunately...

still in command...teeny tiny sprinkler system

it's been some time now since i held the annual FUCKTARD awards

here me out kittens...you don't even know half the shit that goes on "behind" the scenes of these award winn'n shows...fer instance...recently i hadda make unfortunate cuts to my spermicidal budget ever since my

beyond Beyonce bubbalisciousness had an unfortunate accident 

ok...well so i was doin latino squats once again at the gym...with him (trust me...a t-o-t-a-l meeeeeouch!)...but now i'm stuck...laid up...and roll'n around

like a paraplegic hooker in hell

plus...sponsors were dropp'n as fast as the clowns at the DC circus

luckily though...one sponsor decided to stick with me through all this shit...and thankfully...they fit well with tonite's nominees

so let's get right to it...shall we?...up first is my fav-o-rit SPICE girl

OLD SPICE...

oh...not cuz poor hot headed Sean decided to pack up his lunchbox cuz he was too tired from lick'n the shit come'n outta his boss's pancaked ass...NO!

he became nominated fer kill'n the brilliant career of one transgendered comedian Melissa McCarthy...the only person who ever got me interested in watch'n SNL again 

ever since the brilliance known as the SWEENEY SISTERS left in the late 80's

let's see...who's made the next cut?...i'm as nervous as Jesus Luz when Madonna decided to cut him off...

OMG...i'm so so shocked...it's the REAL WHITE HOUSE WHINEY BITCH OF DC...i searched google relentlessly...fortunately fer us though...there were no fuckable photo's available...but thanx to my pseudo good friend Kristen Dunst who snap chatted me the nominee...

 only cuz she still has me at a 5000 foot restrain'n order fer bitch slapp'n her back in 2006 fer her lack luster performance in Maria Antoinette and demand'n my benjamins back

last up on my list...the only fuckable WHITE HOUSE worker since JFK...

well...only cuz he reminded me of that hot evil cop from the TERMINATOR...

Scaramucci...known simply as "the MOOCH"...but also known as our TWITTER BITCH'n toilet paper...not cuz he only lasted inside the walls of the WHITE  HOUSE as long as my bi-weekly metro pass

or have politically satirical genius Stephen Colbert cover him in a QUEEN song

no...it's cuz that fucker is follow'n hot-to-trot porn star BLAKE MITCHELL

and not thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe like he should...but now that yer outta a job and yer wifey has gone bye bye...

call me Tony...i'm wait'n

and now the moment you've all been wait'n for...this year's winner 

FUCKTARD award goes to pharmaceutical cockroach and very much deserved recipient...who was actually featured a couple years back...
right here on my blog

congratulations Martin fer all yer very special work you did to better yer fellow americans by milk'n them dry when they needed you the most...

now...you'll get yer chance to milk yer mountain of roommates

hmmm...anyone wanna donate some soap on the rope?...i'm sure he'd really really appreciate it

well...there ya have it kittens...hope ya hadda blast...i wanna thank all my nominee's...now if you pleez...it's time fer me get back on my knee's...and scrub

so get off my dress!

the devil wears tacky khaki's

ever since i can recall not to really have any knowledge...

or really care to acknowledge the facts...the fact of the matter is...medicines and those who administer them...have done their damnedest to help with the ailments of those in need without any sorta greed

fer instance...dur'in the Macedonian period...circa 332 B.C....

follically challenged egyptians wrapped in their modesty cover made from 100% grecian muslin...would use medieval straw like apparatuses to suck the tears from those unsuspect'n hair-hopper'm workers that they would pillage in the break room fer free...to stop their pain from roll'n down their faces...thus cause'n their egyptian eyeliner to roll down their very unporcelained skin

by the turn of the century...when Cher's relations owned the America's...

fer a short period of time...by winn'n it from the Siberian Aztec's of Borneo...in a game of pin the tail on the totem pole...(before it was pillaged by the Pilgrims)...the medicine doctors would pack peyote in peace pipes like no one's business when it came to cure'n what ailed them...whether it be from the common cold...flu...or an accidental scalp'n...and all that was asked in payment was some hot canned fruit compote and some maze potato salad

virologist to the stars...Dr. Jonas Salk made history in april of 1955...

by invent'n a cure fer the cripple'n disease polio...and guess what kittens...
HE NEVER TOOK A DAMN DIME!

you would think he would lead by example...to anyone else try'n to eradicate any debilitate'n diseases from the face of the earth...but OH NO!...not dur'in the ME ME ME generation...not when there's a profit to be 

made kittens...let me introduce you to the title holder of the BIGGEST worthless non pillageable weasel in the world...32 year old Martin "the fucktard" Shkreli...who's not in the biz to help out the inflicted with those infected by the virus that causes AIDS...but rather in the biz of turn'n a profit outta people's pain to fill his off shore bank accounts

so this spoiled brat hedge fund fuckwad's company "turing pharmaceuticals" bought up the 62 year old drug "daraprim"which costs roughly $1 to produce...used to combat "toxoplasmosis" which is a condition caused by some asshole parasite that exists in about 25% of the pre-puberty population in the US alone...but also has dire consequences fer those unborn brats of expectant mommies to be and immunocompromised kittens like those live'n with AIDS

originally the cost was $13.50 per pill...but once this spineless lech bought the rights to the drug...he drug the price thru the roof to $750 a pill...state'n simply that other drug companies were "give'n it away" and he needed his company to turn a profit no matter what the cost...kittens...that's a 5000% increase over nite

let's unfortunately go back to where it all began when this apparent "boy genius" known fer his investment intuition in the millionaire circles...started as a 17 year old intern fer the tv show "MAD MONEY"...and branched out into his 1st company "retrophin" but was eventually fired from said company fer his sheisty biz practices...who is also now under federal investigation fer insider trade'n and fraud...SHOCK!

what does Captain DooshRag like to do on his down time when he'd not try'na gouge out the down and out you might ask...well of course he likes to spend his down time try'na find the perfect partner in crime to help him count his dimes...

recently this saucy and very sluethy brunette girl with emphysema...Eve Peyser...was trolled out by Shkreli on the fuck'n date'n app TINDER...but not to fuck his diabolical brains out...OH NO...she wanted to find out if this dooshy shitbag was fer real...and thanx to the magic of screen shots...she got her answer in spades!

so our friend fuckwad Shkreli...at this point...thinks he's pretty sly and got Eve under his testicles and thinks he's about ready to play a game of bobb'n fer balls with her...

at 1st it seems she's about ready to pull out her knee pads and let him tea bag her after a couple of jose quervo shots...but she ends up release'n her fangs and roasts his shriveled gonads into humilitation...GAME OVA!

and just when poor ol' Martin decided to lick his wounded pride and get

back under a more positive spotlight with the public...he figured he'd get some public points by donate'n the maximum donation fer a secret meet'n to duke it out with democratic contender Colonel Sanders Bernie Sanders... but Bernie wanted nothing to do with his blood money and generously donated this ass-hats benjamins to a HIV clinic in Washington...and fortunately there'll be no roast'n smores over and open flame either

well...this piss-ant was pissed ol Bernstein bear gave away his money and took it out like any spoiled shithead would...by grasp'n fer sympathy from the twitter universe after he got a in a fight with some sheet rock and ended up with a booboo...thing is...it wasn't actually his x-ray at all but a reversed x-ray image from google...he says he plans on lower'n the price after all the negative backlash he's received...but to this day...it hasn't budged a penny



and just when things couldn't get any better fer the rest of humanity...

the San Diego based drug company Imprimis Pharmaceuticals will be slash'n the fuck outta that lil fucktwats company by offer'n the same drug at $1 a pill...as it was intended 

if anything is to be learned from all this Martin...is that karma is a bitch...
and you just got served!

now get off my dress!