over & out

much like our chetto'd TWITTER BITCH's outta control and unfortunately...

still in command...teeny tiny sprinkler system

it's been some time now since i held the annual FUCKTARD awards

here me out kittens...you don't even know half the shit that goes on "behind" the scenes of these award winn'n shows...fer instance...recently i hadda make unfortunate cuts to my spermicidal budget ever since my

beyond Beyonce bubbalisciousness had an unfortunate accident 

ok...well so i was doin latino squats once again at the gym...with him (trust me...a t-o-t-a-l meeeeeouch!)...but now i'm stuck...laid up...and roll'n around

like a paraplegic hooker in hell

plus...sponsors were dropp'n as fast as the clowns at the DC circus

luckily though...one sponsor decided to stick with me through all this shit...and thankfully...they fit well with tonite's nominees

so let's get right to it...shall we?...up first is my fav-o-rit SPICE girl

OLD SPICE...

oh...not cuz poor hot headed Sean decided to pack up his lunchbox cuz he was too tired from lick'n the shit come'n outta his boss's pancaked ass...NO!

he became nominated fer kill'n the brilliant career of one transgendered comedian Melissa McCarthy...the only person who ever got me interested in watch'n SNL again 

ever since the brilliance known as the SWEENEY SISTERS left in the late 80's

let's see...who's made the next cut?...i'm as nervous as Jesus Luz when Madonna decided to cut him off...

OMG...i'm so so shocked...it's the REAL WHITE HOUSE WHINEY BITCH OF DC...i searched google relentlessly...fortunately fer us though...there were no fuckable photo's available...but thanx to my pseudo good friend Kristen Dunst who snap chatted me the nominee...

 only cuz she still has me at a 5000 foot restrain'n order fer bitch slapp'n her back in 2006 fer her lack luster performance in Maria Antoinette and demand'n my benjamins back

last up on my list...the only fuckable WHITE HOUSE worker since JFK...

well...only cuz he reminded me of that hot evil cop from the TERMINATOR...

Scaramucci...known simply as "the MOOCH"...but also known as our TWITTER BITCH'n toilet paper...not cuz he only lasted inside the walls of the WHITE  HOUSE as long as my bi-weekly metro pass

or have politically satirical genius Stephen Colbert cover him in a QUEEN song

no...it's cuz that fucker is follow'n hot-to-trot porn star BLAKE MITCHELL

and not thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe like he should...but now that yer outta a job and yer wifey has gone bye bye...

call me Tony...i'm wait'n

and now the moment you've all been wait'n for...this year's winner 

FUCKTARD award goes to pharmaceutical cockroach and very much deserved recipient...who was actually featured a couple years back...
right here on my blog

congratulations Martin fer all yer very special work you did to better yer fellow americans by milk'n them dry when they needed you the most...

now...you'll get yer chance to milk yer mountain of roommates

hmmm...anyone wanna donate some soap on the rope?...i'm sure he'd really really appreciate it

well...there ya have it kittens...hope ya hadda blast...i wanna thank all my nominee's...now if you pleez...it's time fer me get back on my knee's...and scrub

so get off my dress!

this one's in the can

wow...it's been awhile since i held the last FUCKTARD AWARDS...but with most of my heavy bowel moments happen'n dur'in this election season...

i figered it was the perfect reason to have a couple of backstreet mud bunny moments and flush out all that crap...who knew unload'n a load could be so fun

i decided since i didn't have time to contact any designers fer a fabulous frock to showcase on the red carpet this even'n...or be bothered by it either

that i would just report the show live from my couch...kick'n back paint'n my phalange caps and hellish hooves in a stunn'n muu-muu worn by the late great Mrs. Roper

welcome once again to the 7th annual FUCKTARD AWARDS...

tonite's telecast is sponsored by "DAMN TIGHT JEANS"

DAMN TIGHT JEANS are so tight...they'll feel like a home hysterectomy kit

and by the maker's of  the all new and improved "HAMMOND 2000"

recommended by 2 out of 1000 carpal tunnel suffers...and 100 out of 100 post masters would agree...you'll never have to worry about loose'n yer train of thought...like you thought

can we get the lights down pleez?...thanx...and tonite's nominee's are...

that walk'n cliterectomy cougar...Miss Fail'n Palin...puhleez give it up fer 'merica's fav-o-rit dr. suess'n crossword puzzle'n explosion of stupidity...well cuz no one else really did in cheddar county recently when she drove her crazy train there to stump fer TRUMP...but after 3 minutes in...most of the audience just wanted to take a dump...even the crickets left the build'n before she was half way thru her screech speech

next up...cartoon DONALD...fer cause'n childish coercesions recently...

as a guest on the Late Show w/Stephen Colbert and ruin'n saturday morn'ns fer all the lil kittens and their inbred intellectuals that spawned them

though it was never part of my beauty palette when beat'n my face up...

i will never look at you the same again orange bronzer

and the wiener goes to...oh...i'm so unenthusiastically nervous kittens...

you would think by the prior nominee's this even'n...that i would'a give'n the FUCKTARD AWARD to this loud mouthed sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot'd baboon...fer his recent remarks regard'n a woman's right to an abortion and recieve'n some sort of  complimentary punishment

BUTT...you'd be wrong...

though he tried to back track his ridiculously ludicrous diarrhea...he pretty much just pissed off both sides of the pro life/pro choice movement...

no...the winner of the 7th annual FUCKTARD AWARD goes to the loud mouthed sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot'd baboons parents...fer NOT have'n an abortion 69 years ago and save'n the mashed potato minds of millions who are too busy try'na figer out why "keep'n up with the kankersoredashians" or ANY "real housewives of whatever county" haven't been nominated fer an oscar yet!

now i ain't here to try and sway ya one way or another how to vote kittens

YER VOTE IS YER RIGHT (or consequence)...all i'm say'n is...i think Kate sums it up best fer me....thanx fer tune'n in...so until next reason fer my award season...get off my dress!