over & out

much like our chetto'd TWITTER BITCH's outta control and unfortunately...

still in command...teeny tiny sprinkler system

it's been some time now since i held the annual FUCKTARD awards

here me out kittens...you don't even know half the shit that goes on "behind" the scenes of these award winn'n shows...fer instance...recently i hadda make unfortunate cuts to my spermicidal budget ever since my

beyond Beyonce bubbalisciousness had an unfortunate accident 

ok...well so i was doin latino squats once again at the gym...with him (trust me...a t-o-t-a-l meeeeeouch!)...but now i'm stuck...laid up...and roll'n around

like a paraplegic hooker in hell

plus...sponsors were dropp'n as fast as the clowns at the DC circus

luckily though...one sponsor decided to stick with me through all this shit...and thankfully...they fit well with tonite's nominees

so let's get right to it...shall we?...up first is my fav-o-rit SPICE girl

OLD SPICE...

oh...not cuz poor hot headed Sean decided to pack up his lunchbox cuz he was too tired from lick'n the shit come'n outta his boss's pancaked ass...NO!

he became nominated fer kill'n the brilliant career of one transgendered comedian Melissa McCarthy...the only person who ever got me interested in watch'n SNL again 

ever since the brilliance known as the SWEENEY SISTERS left in the late 80's

let's see...who's made the next cut?...i'm as nervous as Jesus Luz when Madonna decided to cut him off...

OMG...i'm so so shocked...it's the REAL WHITE HOUSE WHINEY BITCH OF DC...i searched google relentlessly...fortunately fer us though...there were no fuckable photo's available...but thanx to my pseudo good friend Kristen Dunst who snap chatted me the nominee...

 only cuz she still has me at a 5000 foot restrain'n order fer bitch slapp'n her back in 2006 fer her lack luster performance in Maria Antoinette and demand'n my benjamins back

last up on my list...the only fuckable WHITE HOUSE worker since JFK...

well...only cuz he reminded me of that hot evil cop from the TERMINATOR...

Scaramucci...known simply as "the MOOCH"...but also known as our TWITTER BITCH'n toilet paper...not cuz he only lasted inside the walls of the WHITE  HOUSE as long as my bi-weekly metro pass

or have politically satirical genius Stephen Colbert cover him in a QUEEN song

no...it's cuz that fucker is follow'n hot-to-trot porn star BLAKE MITCHELL

and not thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe like he should...but now that yer outta a job and yer wifey has gone bye bye...

call me Tony...i'm wait'n

and now the moment you've all been wait'n for...this year's winner 

FUCKTARD award goes to pharmaceutical cockroach and very much deserved recipient...who was actually featured a couple years back...
right here on my blog

congratulations Martin fer all yer very special work you did to better yer fellow americans by milk'n them dry when they needed you the most...

now...you'll get yer chance to milk yer mountain of roommates

hmmm...anyone wanna donate some soap on the rope?...i'm sure he'd really really appreciate it

well...there ya have it kittens...hope ya hadda blast...i wanna thank all my nominee's...now if you pleez...it's time fer me get back on my knee's...and scrub

so get off my dress!

huff'n and puff'n and blooow'n the HOUSE down

i think Dora Lee said it best when she said...

"look...i've been straight with you since the first day i got here [elected by the american people twice]...and i put up with all yer pinch'n [bitch'n] and stare'n [moan'n] and chase'n me around the desk[with yer filibusters] because i need [earned] this job....but this is the last straw! [with the government shutdown]...look i've got a gun out there in my purse [the american people] and up til now i've been forgive'n and forgett'n because of the way i was brought up [in the UNITED STATES]...but i tell you one thing [tea baggers]...if you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal 

[try'n to defund OBAMACARE/AFFORDABLE CARE ACT]...

i'm gonna get that gun of mine [the american people]...and i'm gonna change you from a rooster [republiCANT] to a hen [HILLARY] in one shot! don't think i can't do it [by 2016]

ever since OBAMA was E-L-E-C-T-E-D prezzie of the US...

he's checked off alot from his "TO DO" list...when the HOUSE and the SENATE was run by the people who gets things done...D-E-M-O-C-R-A-T-S back in 2009

well...leave it to the republiCANTS...WAIT!...let's be fair here...

it's just the moronic tourists of the republiCANT party...

known simply as the fucktards  TEA BAGGERS 

who just wanna HUFF and PUFF and bloooow the HOUSE down...while try'n on their halloween costumes

disregard'n ANYONE that it's REALLY gonna affect...even though they say it won't affect THAT many!

but after a lil investigate'n here at the offices of G.O.M.D...

i give you the top 10 tasteless non lipton TEA BAGS proudly responsible fer shut'n 'er down!

so besides the CONGRESS and the National Parks...

here's a list of other things that the republiCANTS are responsible fer shutt'n down...tear'n the country apart...affect'n EVERYONE live'n inside the U.S. borders...

check out the lovely part'n gifts yer state will be part'n with here

then we mustn't ferget the REAL tragedy of it all...

 that some poor...white...rich bitch...married to a piggy bank...like banjo pluck'n republiC*NT from North Carolina Renee Ellmers...who's also a paid RN mind you...d-e-s-p-e-r-a-e-t-l-y needs her $174k per year + bennies...cuz what?...their summer home won't winterize itself?...i'm surprised the cross around her neck doesn't burst into flames!
 

but she ain't the only anal wart need'n their benjamin's...

non middle class ass republiCANT Lee Terry of Nebraska has to keep his check as well...to keep a roof over his head...pay fer all his 1-800 tolls in the middle of the nite while the wife is drunk dial'n QVC  and support his free load'n off spring that can't pay his own way thru school...unfortunately like many other drunk party planners have to do

of course leave it to a handful of fucktards TEA BAGGERS...

to pass the blame and fan the flames in the opposite direction

and it's always a treat...to hear from MN's own batshit crazy clown...

to try and justify make'n sense of her non sense by talk'n over the host without actually have'n to answer the questions and toss'n in a big word or two that she used in her last scrabble game the nite before...Shelly...if ya don't know what they mean...don't use em...yer only embarass'n yerself!

and the whole REASON fer their TREASON....

they don't like what's on the NON RADICAL...NON CONSERVATIVE and let's be H-O-N-E-S-T...NON CAUCASIAN menu....PERIOD!!

play'n in theatrics around the country...JOHN BOEHNER is

thing is kittens...he actually has kittens scratch'n in the same shit box as him that could help end it all that aren't ask'n fer conditions...BUT...he's more worried about loose'n his rattle in the HOUSE

the majority of the kittens in this country...regardless of their party line...think it's fuck'n retarded that the republinCANTS are sett'n a mousetrap on their benjamins

and the man behind one of the biggest piggy banks in the country says that those certain republiCANTS pretty much got their finger on the trigger to let off a "nuclear bomb" in our own country...include'n  around the world if they keep on track where their headed

perhaps a history lesson needs to be learned here...

remember when YOU republiCANTS had the government shut down back in 1995...didn't turn out so good fer YOU come election time...did it?

leave it to the wonderful words of Stephen Colbert to break it down exactly how the rules of this game even work

it's pretty much a stupid wasteless game of rock em sock em robots...

and the republiCANTS will loose in the end come election time...
mark my word!

so lemme give ya some simple advice you should be able to figer out...

"Pat...i'd like to solve the crisis...ummm...i mean puzzled!"

though the makers at one company are lend'n a help'n "hand"...

to those furloughed workers durin' this crisis...so they don't have to at least!

BOEHNER...pull the straw out between yer ears...

 and quit try'na scratch yer brain on this no-brainer!

if not...YOU WILL LOSE

make this last and...

NOW BONER...TURN THE GOVERNMENT LIGHTS BACK ON...AND GET OFF MY DRESS!