A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 1

picture it kittens...it's 1982 and a saucied aussie OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN 

was make'n our heart rate beat faster than a priest's on a playground...force'n us to shake our money makers (with a bit of a sexual undertone) as she was race'n up the charts with her soak'n in swamp ass smash ditty "PHYSICAL"

DOLLY PARTON was the sizzle'n up the screens as the sexually charged

 madame and proprietor MONA STANGLEY from "THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS"

and i had just witnessed my very 1st porno at the tender and very supple 

age of 12 with a couple of my sibs at my cuz's bungalow he shared with his 3 buddies on the other side of the chain linked fence we shared from our back yard and though i was perplexed by all the blatant bull balls bang'n the beaver's dam...well...to say i was absolutely G-O-B-S-M-A-C-K-E-D is an understatement!! no...not cuz they were doin the "dirty birdy" (OH NO!) i knew right then that i wanted to do this as a profession once i was of legal age...

well except in my premiere it would be minus all those dirty pillows...

and that psychotic soul suck'n sarlacc pit hide'n behind their gloria vanderbilt pedal pushers of course!

my under developed though overly stimulated mind was wonder'n why in

the H-E-double hockey stix was that XY chromozoned hottie with the carpeted chest and "exposed wood" would have ANY possible interest in nibble'n on that rack of those pendulously uttered XX chromozone or claw'n at their kitty litter box...it all seemed sooo cumpletely unnatural and manipulated (much like most religions) to me even at that early of an age! 

BUTT (eventually)

i would later come to accept those who had decided to continue down that

path of unconscionable conduct of corrupt cunnilingus (while i yearned fer a life of casual catastrophic cockilingus) and by the time i was 22 (in '92) i was out one casual bleak winter week nite at the local homoless water'n hole where i was hope'n to find a place to crash fer the nite since i hadda transport my plump pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes up from Winona...

with a handful of GRIZZLY ADAMS look'n girocks on the greyhound fer an interview in the morn'n to become a drug bunny fer the government with no spare change to my name

through no fault of my own...i would only have to bat my irish eyes once 

and within milliseconds i would soon be greeted by a chilled bottle of heineken from the bartender simply known as DOC (that everyone absolutely adored) gifted to me by a secret admirer (who apparently wanted to remain anonymous when i inquired) 

minutes later as i casually scanned the room to try and figer out just who

my cautious casanova was...i would be approached by 2 meat n potato meals on wheels almost double my age (hey...no finger point'n...i'm an equal opportunity on-licker...i mean looker) one had enough beef to break me in half...

while the other one would'a required me to send out a search and rescue mission to find the beef!

as close'n time came a come'n...i was gett'n closer to come'n to their

decision hopefully as to where i'd be plugg'n in my hot curlers before i came that nite so once the house lights came up...most of the STD's had scattered like cockroaches on karaoke nite and i was offered a "ride" to who knows where 

without give'n it a second thought...i had jumped into the back of some 

random mystery machine in the alley across the street and soon realized at that very moment that i was practically invite'n myself to be on the next episode of my very own special episode of "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" (i know...HUSH! i was desperate fer a place to crash that nite)

luckily fer me...i would soon be at their residence in uptown still all in tact

in fact i was ever so thankful that i was not asked to lather myself up in some non hypoallergenic lotion like that Catherine Martin chick had to cuz really all i wanted to do at that point of the nite was to crash on a warm couch...

as Mr. Snow Miser was tap dance'n on my nose and toes after bein' a bit tuned up and i was so ready to be tuned out...instead i was told to wait out in the icebox on wheels while they apparently "discussed' the sleep'n arrangements inside...

and i'm purdy sure by now yer ask'n yerself at this juncture in this story...WHY IN THE FIDDLERS FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST GET OUTTA THE DAMN VAN?

minutes later JABBA would emerge inform'n me that "Arnold" was not 

interested in host'n anyone fer the nite (hmmm...could'a fooled me since he bought all of the beers fer me) in either case...i didn't care at this point since it was now 2 am and i had been awake fer 24 hrs and though i know he thought i was gonna be his cuddle bunny fer the nite...i was ready to sleep in the snowbank than go back to his dungeon of impend'n doom nonetheless i gave into my own fate and reluctantly we reached his apt a few blocks away

well that's all fer this week kittens...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n

 conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE PARTIES OVER

picture it kittens...the year was 1984 and the hot Duke boys were slipp'n

and slide'n across their moonshine fueled general lee to get outta some sticky situations every friday nite...while i was slipp'n and a slide'n make'n my own sticky situations dream'n i was the cream fill'n in a Duke boy's cookie then ride'n their "not so hazard counties" til they splattered all over my lee jeans

MADONNA would cement her legacy by gett'n a self-induced gynecological exam all over the stage at the 1st Mtv video awards

and i wanted JAKE RYAN to put "16 CANDLES" on our anniversary cake (and by cake i mean my plump A double snakes and by 16 candles i mean...well you figer it out you dirty bird)

BUTT...enough reminisce'n

with the year 2023 already in full swing...i figered it was time to reminisce 

about the many things that have been left behind in 2022...like my curiosity fer corduroy...candy caned corn beef hash and my fav-o-rit lyp-sync'n youtube sensation from 2010 KEENAN CAHILL that i stumbled across at work one day while i was file'n my nails along with my feel'ns about my shitty boss…

in my "BEVERLY HILLS 90210" Brandon Walsh diary as the rest of the diabetic Debbie's were gorge'n themselves at the donut trough

who was totally 100% me back in 1984 when i used to lock myself in my 

bedroom and use my sister's brush as my mic to the latest from my greatest which was of course MADONNA...CULTURE CLUB...DEAD OR ALIVE and CYNDI LAUPER (mainly) blare'n their cassettes in my mono casio boombox on a loop much to the chagrin of my sibs...sing'n off key like 2 senile cats claw'n at each other's throats make’n up the lyrics as i went long into the busted bedroom mirror as if a sea of thousands were scream'n back at me from inside the mirror...unfortunately youtube would not be around til years later so my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fame would not get to reap the rewards til much later on in life

as a teenaged dreamer...KEENAN amassed millions of adore'n fans thru

his e-machine camera fer real by simply upload'n ecstatic however sporadic and erratic lyp-sync'd vids to KATY PERRY's "TEENAGE DREAM" and my all time fav of his that also included highly choreographed synchronized spinn'n to CASCADA's "WHAT HURTS THE MOST" among many many others who enjoyed his fame until he passed over to the land of the lyp-sync'ers on the other side unexpectantly from heart surgery complications on decem 29, 2022

what had seemed like 100's of years reign'n over the british people

QUEEN ELIZABETH was the longest runn'n monarch to occupy the throne in history fer 70 years and 214 days...who had a bit of cheeky side to her from time to time durin' her later colostomy bag years

LIZ (as i would'a referred to her if she ever would'a picked up the damn phone when i called fer a place to crash to save on hotel costs on my many visits to Buckingham Palace in the late 90's and early 2000's) was always an interest to me grow'n up as i was always fascinated with british royalty…

ever since i watched the wedd'n of PRINCESS DIANA and CHARLES in the summer of 1981 at my friend Pat Cudahy's farm house in Gilmore Valley that his dad woke us up for...

by 1984 LIZ even had her mug imprinted on the british pound and though she may have kicked the bucket at 96...no tears need to be shed cuz her presence will be talked about fer generations to come (and so will that secret phone call she made to TIRES PLUS in Paris back in '97 eventually *wink*wink!) after she marched on in the middle of the afternoon on sept 8th, 2022

sunday nites in 1984 were all about murder and mayhem and no one 

better to solve these mysteries in under 60 minutes with just a lovely cup of earl grey but tv's senior sleuth JESSICA FLETCHER 

played by the beautifully beloved ANGELA LANDSBURY who put her act'n chops to good use when she landed her 1st role at 17 in the 1944 psychological drama "GASLIGHT" alongside INGRED BERGMAN which would explain her perfect popularity position in hit the series "MURDER SHE WROTE" 40 years later...among the 50 big and small screen productions she starred in...

ANGIE also graced broadway in 14 productions...she's best known fer "MAME" and "SWEENEY TODD" and if her resume wasn't already impressive enough…

by 2014 ANGIE would be christened a dame by the queen and lived a fulfilled life to the glorious age of 96 that came to a curtain close on oct 11th, 2022

known fer her sweetly saccrinated presence in the 1970's with country 

hits like "IF NOT FOR YOU" "LET ME BE THERE" and "PLEASE MISTER PLEASE" among many others lovely hits...OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN skyrocketed to stardom in 1978 as SANDY who turned from goody two shoes to bad girl barbie in the monster musical hit "GREASE" spawn'n the hits "SUMMER NIGHTS" "HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU" and the spine tingle'n dance duet with co-star JOHN TRAVOLTA "YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT"

by the 1980's OLIVIA switched into 2nd gear from country hits to one word titled pop sensations like "XANADU" "PHYSICAL" plus "MAGIC" and though she couldn't quite recreate the magic she marinated in with her previous musical co-star in the ill fated "TWO OF A KIND" from 1983...she blew up the charts with her back light'n and synthesized hit single (and my most requested all time fav-o-rit car concert performance) "TWIST OF FATE" by 1984

OLIVIA would go back to her country roots by the new millennium starr'n

as ex-con lesbian love'n songbird BITSY MAE HARLING with a "reputation" that could make fish blush in the dark offbeat comedy flick "SORDID LIVES" and then reprise'n her character once again in the short lived tv series of the same name back in 2008

although the australian acrobat of entertainment enjoyed a merried of

successes thru-out her extensive career appear'n in 18 movies 63 tv shows and an endless catalogue of phenomenal hits not to ferget bein damed in 2019...OLIVIA also managed to give back when she could by open'n the OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN CANCER WELLNESS AND RESEARCH CENTRE at the Austin Hospital located in Heidelberg, Australia in 2012 and after battle'n breast cancer since 1992 OLIVIA would bow out peaceful on aug 8th, 2022 though her legacy will live on fer generations to come

known fer her brilliant bright electric shock orange locks and colorfully  

eccentric outspoken presence...VIVIENNE WESTWOOD broke down the barriers on the runway by bring'n punk and new wave fashions to the forefront durin' the 1980's 

with the SEX PISTOLS mgr MALCOLM MCLAREN which they used as their own personal models to showcase their dare'n delightful designs

VIV would go on to open 4 shops in the early 80's thru-out London until  

she was popp'n up like a delicious dandelion everywhere thru-out the entire planet from LONDON to PARIS to NEW YORK FASHION WEEK 

i was completely hypnotized watch'n her runway shows on "STYLE WITH ELSA KLENSCH" back in 1984 

VIV's vivid imagination has been seen draped on the backs of everyone from the runway to hollyweird to songbirds and those lucky few pheasants who ripped them out of their closets while they were on vaca in the Maldives

even show'n up as the show stopp'n dress fer CARRIE’s big day as she was humiliate'n Mr. Big after bein humiliated by Mr. Big in the SATC movie

WESTWOOD would be immortalized on film in 2018 with her brilliant documentary "WESTWOOD: PUNK ICON ACTIVIST"

VIV would turn in her pencils when she walked down her runway fer the last time after 81 fuck you years on decem 29th, 2022

and though i absofuckinlutely adored her brilliant comedic time'n in the 

twisted dark comedy about MN beauty pageants "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" and the 80's series "CHEERS" which i started watch'n in 1984 if you can handle it...

i just couldn't stomach Krusty Alley any longer after she ruined her legacy by turn'n into some crazy conspiracy scientologilistic trump support'n lunatic so she finally flew off in her spruce goose spaceship on decem 5th, 2022...oh well...it happens...hope it wasn't built at the tesla factory!

and lastly mr. Reaper…though i'm not hear to tell you how to plan yer

parties cuz i'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world to do with people constantly bitch'n at you to make last minute changes each and every year...

however...i still haven't fergive'n you about yer decision to order those PRINCE...GEORGE and PETE party candles!

perhaps you could rectify those grave mistakes (see what i did there?)

and take a simple request from the entire world fer this plausible party in 2023 

(insert *wink*wink here)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!