SPANK IT ON A BING BONG!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high hair...

very high shoulders...

and a very high life!

BUTT...nonetheless

though MICHEAL JACKSON's 1982 hit "BEAT IT" may have been a very

titallate'n subliminal message catered towards all those active testosteroned teenrage'n hormone's...it was lost in translation to me (i just seriously wanted that fuck'n killer jacket)

fer me however...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the best

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenrager years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs when my parachute pants would get so "tight" they were ready to burst at the seams many many times durin' the day (thank you trapper keeper fer keep’n me covered) which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" (that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise)

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all JEFF STRYKER with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "DANCING WITH MYSELF" "IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR" enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "COOL RIDER" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S" MAXWELL CAUFIELD is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in "GREASE 2" play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer MICHELLE PHIEFFER's affection and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "GOOD OL' BOY'S" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County (though they weren't kiss'n cuz's) they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...however...the cherry on top of his career (that i secretly wanted to be on the bottom of) would have to be when he had condoms named after him (that i do own stock in!)

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...JON was the grrrrrravey that mashed my potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey with the BIG BEN!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic "HE-MAN" appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST" with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T from tv's dramedy "THE A-TEAM" was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...i'll leave you 

alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE" on yer own

now if you wood...would you excuse me while i huff and puff and blow 

someone else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE PARTIES OVER

picture it kittens...the year was 1984 and the hot Duke boys were slipp'n

and slide'n across their moonshine fueled general lee to get outta some sticky situations every friday nite...while i was slipp'n and a slide'n make'n my own sticky situations dream'n i was the cream fill'n in a Duke boy's cookie then ride'n their "not so hazard counties" til they splattered all over my lee jeans

MADONNA would cement her legacy by gett'n a self-induced gynecological exam all over the stage at the 1st Mtv video awards

and i wanted JAKE RYAN to put "16 CANDLES" on our anniversary cake (and by cake i mean my plump A double snakes and by 16 candles i mean...well you figer it out you dirty bird)

BUTT...enough reminisce'n

with the year 2023 already in full swing...i figered it was time to reminisce 

about the many things that have been left behind in 2022...like my curiosity fer corduroy...candy caned corn beef hash and my fav-o-rit lyp-sync'n youtube sensation from 2010 KEENAN CAHILL that i stumbled across at work one day while i was file'n my nails along with my feel'ns about my shitty boss…

in my "BEVERLY HILLS 90210" Brandon Walsh diary as the rest of the diabetic Debbie's were gorge'n themselves at the donut trough

who was totally 100% me back in 1984 when i used to lock myself in my 

bedroom and use my sister's brush as my mic to the latest from my greatest which was of course MADONNA...CULTURE CLUB...DEAD OR ALIVE and CYNDI LAUPER (mainly) blare'n their cassettes in my mono casio boombox on a loop much to the chagrin of my sibs...sing'n off key like 2 senile cats claw'n at each other's throats make’n up the lyrics as i went long into the busted bedroom mirror as if a sea of thousands were scream'n back at me from inside the mirror...unfortunately youtube would not be around til years later so my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fame would not get to reap the rewards til much later on in life

as a teenaged dreamer...KEENAN amassed millions of adore'n fans thru

his e-machine camera fer real by simply upload'n ecstatic however sporadic and erratic lyp-sync'd vids to KATY PERRY's "TEENAGE DREAM" and my all time fav of his that also included highly choreographed synchronized spinn'n to CASCADA's "WHAT HURTS THE MOST" among many many others who enjoyed his fame until he passed over to the land of the lyp-sync'ers on the other side unexpectantly from heart surgery complications on decem 29, 2022

what had seemed like 100's of years reign'n over the british people

QUEEN ELIZABETH was the longest runn'n monarch to occupy the throne in history fer 70 years and 214 days...who had a bit of cheeky side to her from time to time durin' her later colostomy bag years

LIZ (as i would'a referred to her if she ever would'a picked up the damn phone when i called fer a place to crash to save on hotel costs on my many visits to Buckingham Palace in the late 90's and early 2000's) was always an interest to me grow'n up as i was always fascinated with british royalty…

ever since i watched the wedd'n of PRINCESS DIANA and CHARLES in the summer of 1981 at my friend Pat Cudahy's farm house in Gilmore Valley that his dad woke us up for...

by 1984 LIZ even had her mug imprinted on the british pound and though she may have kicked the bucket at 96...no tears need to be shed cuz her presence will be talked about fer generations to come (and so will that secret phone call she made to TIRES PLUS in Paris back in '97 eventually *wink*wink!) after she marched on in the middle of the afternoon on sept 8th, 2022

sunday nites in 1984 were all about murder and mayhem and no one 

better to solve these mysteries in under 60 minutes with just a lovely cup of earl grey but tv's senior sleuth JESSICA FLETCHER 

played by the beautifully beloved ANGELA LANDSBURY who put her act'n chops to good use when she landed her 1st role at 17 in the 1944 psychological drama "GASLIGHT" alongside INGRED BERGMAN which would explain her perfect popularity position in hit the series "MURDER SHE WROTE" 40 years later...among the 50 big and small screen productions she starred in...

ANGIE also graced broadway in 14 productions...she's best known fer "MAME" and "SWEENEY TODD" and if her resume wasn't already impressive enough…

by 2014 ANGIE would be christened a dame by the queen and lived a fulfilled life to the glorious age of 96 that came to a curtain close on oct 11th, 2022

known fer her sweetly saccrinated presence in the 1970's with country 

hits like "IF NOT FOR YOU" "LET ME BE THERE" and "PLEASE MISTER PLEASE" among many others lovely hits...OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN skyrocketed to stardom in 1978 as SANDY who turned from goody two shoes to bad girl barbie in the monster musical hit "GREASE" spawn'n the hits "SUMMER NIGHTS" "HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU" and the spine tingle'n dance duet with co-star JOHN TRAVOLTA "YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT"

by the 1980's OLIVIA switched into 2nd gear from country hits to one word titled pop sensations like "XANADU" "PHYSICAL" plus "MAGIC" and though she couldn't quite recreate the magic she marinated in with her previous musical co-star in the ill fated "TWO OF A KIND" from 1983...she blew up the charts with her back light'n and synthesized hit single (and my most requested all time fav-o-rit car concert performance) "TWIST OF FATE" by 1984

OLIVIA would go back to her country roots by the new millennium starr'n

as ex-con lesbian love'n songbird BITSY MAE HARLING with a "reputation" that could make fish blush in the dark offbeat comedy flick "SORDID LIVES" and then reprise'n her character once again in the short lived tv series of the same name back in 2008

although the australian acrobat of entertainment enjoyed a merried of

successes thru-out her extensive career appear'n in 18 movies 63 tv shows and an endless catalogue of phenomenal hits not to ferget bein damed in 2019...OLIVIA also managed to give back when she could by open'n the OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN CANCER WELLNESS AND RESEARCH CENTRE at the Austin Hospital located in Heidelberg, Australia in 2012 and after battle'n breast cancer since 1992 OLIVIA would bow out peaceful on aug 8th, 2022 though her legacy will live on fer generations to come

known fer her brilliant bright electric shock orange locks and colorfully  

eccentric outspoken presence...VIVIENNE WESTWOOD broke down the barriers on the runway by bring'n punk and new wave fashions to the forefront durin' the 1980's 

with the SEX PISTOLS mgr MALCOLM MCLAREN which they used as their own personal models to showcase their dare'n delightful designs

VIV would go on to open 4 shops in the early 80's thru-out London until  

she was popp'n up like a delicious dandelion everywhere thru-out the entire planet from LONDON to PARIS to NEW YORK FASHION WEEK 

i was completely hypnotized watch'n her runway shows on "STYLE WITH ELSA KLENSCH" back in 1984 

VIV's vivid imagination has been seen draped on the backs of everyone from the runway to hollyweird to songbirds and those lucky few pheasants who ripped them out of their closets while they were on vaca in the Maldives

even show'n up as the show stopp'n dress fer CARRIE’s big day as she was humiliate'n Mr. Big after bein humiliated by Mr. Big in the SATC movie

WESTWOOD would be immortalized on film in 2018 with her brilliant documentary "WESTWOOD: PUNK ICON ACTIVIST"

VIV would turn in her pencils when she walked down her runway fer the last time after 81 fuck you years on decem 29th, 2022

and though i absofuckinlutely adored her brilliant comedic time'n in the 

twisted dark comedy about MN beauty pageants "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" and the 80's series "CHEERS" which i started watch'n in 1984 if you can handle it...

i just couldn't stomach Krusty Alley any longer after she ruined her legacy by turn'n into some crazy conspiracy scientologilistic trump support'n lunatic so she finally flew off in her spruce goose spaceship on decem 5th, 2022...oh well...it happens...hope it wasn't built at the tesla factory!

and lastly mr. Reaper…though i'm not hear to tell you how to plan yer

parties cuz i'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world to do with people constantly bitch'n at you to make last minute changes each and every year...

however...i still haven't fergive'n you about yer decision to order those PRINCE...GEORGE and PETE party candles!

perhaps you could rectify those grave mistakes (see what i did there?)

and take a simple request from the entire world fer this plausible party in 2023 

(insert *wink*wink here)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!