A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 1

picture it kittens...it's 1982 and a saucied aussie OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN 

was make'n our heart rate beat faster than a priest's on a playground...force'n us to shake our money makers (with a bit of a sexual undertone) as she was race'n up the charts with her soak'n in swamp ass smash ditty "PHYSICAL"

DOLLY PARTON was the sizzle'n up the screens as the sexually charged

 madame and proprietor MONA STANGLEY from "THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS"

and i had just witnessed my very 1st porno at the tender and very supple 

age of 12 with a couple of my sibs at my cuz's bungalow he shared with his 3 buddies on the other side of the chain linked fence we shared from our back yard and though i was perplexed by all the blatant bull balls bang'n the beaver's dam...well...to say i was absolutely G-O-B-S-M-A-C-K-E-D is an understatement!! no...not cuz they were doin the "dirty birdy" (OH NO!) i knew right then that i wanted to do this as a profession once i was of legal age...

well except in my premiere it would be minus all those dirty pillows...

and that psychotic soul suck'n sarlacc pit hide'n behind their gloria vanderbilt pedal pushers of course!

my under developed though overly stimulated mind was wonder'n why in

the H-E-double hockey stix was that XY chromozoned hottie with the carpeted chest and "exposed wood" would have ANY possible interest in nibble'n on that rack of those pendulously uttered XX chromozone or claw'n at their kitty litter box...it all seemed sooo cumpletely unnatural and manipulated (much like most religions) to me even at that early of an age! 

BUTT (eventually)

i would later come to accept those who had decided to continue down that

path of unconscionable conduct of corrupt cunnilingus (while i yearned fer a life of casual catastrophic cockilingus) and by the time i was 22 (in '92) i was out one casual bleak winter week nite at the local homoless water'n hole where i was hope'n to find a place to crash fer the nite since i hadda transport my plump pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes up from Winona...

with a handful of GRIZZLY ADAMS look'n girocks on the greyhound fer an interview in the morn'n to become a drug bunny fer the government with no spare change to my name

through no fault of my own...i would only have to bat my irish eyes once 

and within milliseconds i would soon be greeted by a chilled bottle of heineken from the bartender simply known as DOC (that everyone absolutely adored) gifted to me by a secret admirer (who apparently wanted to remain anonymous when i inquired) 

minutes later as i casually scanned the room to try and figer out just who

my cautious casanova was...i would be approached by 2 meat n potato meals on wheels almost double my age (hey...no finger point'n...i'm an equal opportunity on-licker...i mean looker) one had enough beef to break me in half...

while the other one would'a required me to send out a search and rescue mission to find the beef!

as close'n time came a come'n...i was gett'n closer to come'n to their

decision hopefully as to where i'd be plugg'n in my hot curlers before i came that nite so once the house lights came up...most of the STD's had scattered like cockroaches on karaoke nite and i was offered a "ride" to who knows where 

without give'n it a second thought...i had jumped into the back of some 

random mystery machine in the alley across the street and soon realized at that very moment that i was practically invite'n myself to be on the next episode of my very own special episode of "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" (i know...HUSH! i was desperate fer a place to crash that nite)

luckily fer me...i would soon be at their residence in uptown still all in tact

in fact i was ever so thankful that i was not asked to lather myself up in some non hypoallergenic lotion like that Catherine Martin chick had to cuz really all i wanted to do at that point of the nite was to crash on a warm couch...

as Mr. Snow Miser was tap dance'n on my nose and toes after bein' a bit tuned up and i was so ready to be tuned out...instead i was told to wait out in the icebox on wheels while they apparently "discussed' the sleep'n arrangements inside...

and i'm purdy sure by now yer ask'n yerself at this juncture in this story...WHY IN THE FIDDLERS FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST GET OUTTA THE DAMN VAN?

minutes later JABBA would emerge inform'n me that "Arnold" was not 

interested in host'n anyone fer the nite (hmmm...could'a fooled me since he bought all of the beers fer me) in either case...i didn't care at this point since it was now 2 am and i had been awake fer 24 hrs and though i know he thought i was gonna be his cuddle bunny fer the nite...i was ready to sleep in the snowbank than go back to his dungeon of impend'n doom nonetheless i gave into my own fate and reluctantly we reached his apt a few blocks away

well that's all fer this week kittens...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n

 conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CHOKE ON THIS!

ever since the very first time you were forced into the locker room showers

after ping pong practice...whether you had a gash or a garden hose...every teenrager examined everybody's body around them simply outta "whore-moanal" curiosity and noticed how some just didn't measure up...while others looked like the missing link...and then there was that one that was just a bloody mess!

well...those with all the lady parts (insert vomit here) yer on yer own kittens

i ain't ever try'na capture myself a cuntasaurus anytime soon...GAWD NO!! (even if some of you do make a delicious quiche lorraine) this is fer all those bent gents who just don't seem to "measure up" (in their minds) so here's the deal dudes and dipshits...i recently stumbled across a dickumentary on TUBI the other nite...

about some non homosexualized unfashionable fairly decent dick fer brains look'n like a bitch bragg'n about his bite size almond joy while whine'n about bein' down on his luck in the fuck department all cuz his "pole position" wasn't able to fulfill the tanks of the skanks he was bang'n so he traveled to the ends of the earth to solve his short cumm'ns...goin to whatever "lengths" he had to...try'n everything from popp'n pills...pump'n his prune...lift'n weights with his willy to inject'n his insecurity by any means necessary all just to get a gash to gush over him!

then it made me think about about that "micro management" i had once

met at some smoke filled non hetero drink'n establishment in the downtown Minne-Apple area back in '93 that my "friend" was all over one nite and as a general rule (with relaxed restrictions of course) i kept my hands to myself no matter how attractive i might've found the anal prober...however when we went back to said micro manager's apartment i noticed him throw out the proverbial compliment at my "friend" like a dog begg'n fer a bone in regards to his hair (which i can freely admit...he did have really great hair...include'n a half-baked conceded attitude garnished with a little side of bitters) 

nonetheless i could obviously tell he had more interest in use'n his not so subtle jedi mind tricks on me to remove my raspberry colored culottes that were very much in at the time...

so all bets were off at that point...hey...i was only 23 (my "whore-moans" were race'n as if they were in the Indy 500) and said "friend" had dumped me a few months earlier fer not bein into STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE like him...puleez...from what i could remember i got off scot free cuz you could run the Macy's day parade between his legs plus he was barely work'n with a mouthful anyways and by that particular moment in time i was all about gett'n my tonsils tickled and learn'n the art of breath'n thru my nose

BUTT i digress!

we'd set up a dinner and movie nite to meet about 3 days later at his place

i'm happy to report that he was the perfect hostess too! he even took the initiative to ask me what my fav-o-rit stomach fillers were and by the time i had arrived he had each and every one of them laid out in a succulent succession obscured only by a few tapered candles in taupe...it was a feast made from a kings ransom fer this HUNGry pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe queen...

and as if the nite couldn't get any better...my savory suitor (who was roughly 10 years my senior) topped off our enchant'n even'n (though my bottoms were still on) with a flute glass full of some shitty champagne swill that i "accidentally" spilled down the tidy bowl as i dipped into the loo to reapply my bonnie bell lip smacker before we adjourned to his hideaway bed in the live'n room which was remarkably open...

as he slyly reached over my danger zone i would catch a sample of his woodsy paco rabanne molest'n the side of his neck as he popped in the hottest VHS title from TIDAL WAVE that i was work'n at part time at this time "HOME ALONE 2" which some could've interpreted as some sorta sublimable sign i suppose since we were the only 2 at his home

 

after the movie ended he leaned over and lit a couple of jasmine scented 

candles with a hint of some aphrodisiatic spice to spice up the ambiance as Burt Bacharach echoed softly in the air...why not! suddenly i thought i'd need to call an ambulance fer a defibrillator cuz my heart was all a flutter skipp'n a beat or two as he slipped down my corduroy culottes to cross over to my danger zone and eventually i figured i'd return the favor...

alas...it was as if i was send'n out my fingers on a search and recover mission...his money maker wasn't worth a king's ransom at all...it was more like an I.O.U post-it note from his maker...it felt as if the Kevin character had somehow astro projected his twig and berries into my date's body and sadly (fer me) i had surmised that i was about to sleep with Macaulay himself...and i'm sorry but i'm just not that into play'n with pinky playgrounds on a first date period!

why did he force me into putt'n on my judgemental judy robe so early?

if we dated fer a bit...perhaps his wood (or lack of) wouldn't have made much of a diff...M-A-Y-B-E...sadly...my biological clock was tick'n at 23 and i didn't wanna get pegged as some pedo pleaser

eventually i dated someone with penile denial issues fer about 4 1/2 years 

about 4 1/2 years later and to be quite honest it didn't bother me in the slightest though he always threw it in my face...hypothetically speak'n of course cuz literally i threw it in his face whenever he wanted it...unfortunately so did everyone else when i was outta town...until one day he went out to purchase a pump of his very own to shun me...regrettably...it only made it look like a blood sausage 

trapped in a scientifically tested plastic tube fer the "VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR" try-outs though the second he released his "stretch arm strong" from the self imposed suction cage it would return to some congealed gelatinous cockadooddledon't...size only matters if you make it matter and as a matter of fact...it ain't better fer those at the other end of the spectrum either

jump rope cock is only worth if it stands at attention and works...cuz 

most of the time the only thing it can do is lay there like laffy taffy that you can tie in a granny knot or throw over yer shoulder and burp it 

in the end not everyone is a throat plunger not everyone is a tooth chipper

there are no magic beans or plausible pumps to build up yer self esteem if you happen to be born with a morsel instead of a mouthful without surgery and even then you might end up with some science project prick so is it really worth it?

the immoral majority's average size is a total of 5.16 inches solid fer the

 Al Bundy's of the world and 5.66 fer the George Jefferson's of the world...so if yer insecurities are gett'n the better of you in the bedroom and make'n you feel like a dud instead of a stud...quit watch'n gay porn in between Super Bowl commercial breaks!

perhaps pick up a new language and take a trip to the orient...then watch as yer average turns into enormous!

you just have'ta work with what ya got with someone who will work it out 

 fer you...the JOHNNY HOLMES's and the JEFF STRYKER's of the world are only in the simple mynute fraction of the minority...however...that don't mean you can't eat yer carrots and corn every now and then!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!