unlucky in lechery

LISTEN UP...who really doesn't like to go out and have a good time...

every now and then?...even though sometimes it's a waste of time to try and keep yer composure when you just wanna break loose like a christmas goose

though i'm pretty sure a good time should not consist of gett'n pissed off like a pussy...

or on fer that matter...well unless that's yer thing

i'm not gonna name names…cuz this could've applied to any one of us

really that have experienced situations of despair/regret/sadness/loath'n to any addiction of a family member…a friend…an x (not in any particular order) due to some sorta physical....emotional....mental...substance abuse or plain fuck'n laziness reason'n

i know there were plenty of times i thought i had control of my 21+ beverage of choice…and had made numerous bad decisions…that luckily…suffered no casualties to anyone except my own stupidity one nite

 years back (yes this is my ACTUAL mug shot taken by a professionally trained correctional facility photographer...and i have to admit...though it got my ALOTTA "afternoon delights" in the middle of the nite) i'd much rather have my photographs taken in a studio with maximum light'n at my disposal when warrented (trust me...florescent light'n rarely is yer friend no matter who you are)

one day i woke up and made the decision to learn from my mistakes...

and change any and ALL future outcomes of said nite

from turn'n into a massive mistake i would never be able to live down

i never considered myself dependant of any harmful "crutch"

though i have to admit...Madonna & Boy have set me back a few thousand coins over the years...and worth every ramen noodle nite i hadda suffer from time to time

the only one that's ever really gett'n hurt here is my piggy bank...

but i'm learn'n to deal with that one step at a time!

i've always been a social drinker…

though there have been times in the past…that i knew i was bein' a bit TOO social at times...but in my own defense...I AM IRISH...i get a pass

so let it go!

i rarely have stock of any alcoholic beverages in my humble shitbox...

x-cept when entertain'n guests…and all that is not gone by parties end…is given away as a part'n gift by choice cuz i know i have an addictive personality as it is

i've see how a handful of out-of-control people in general can get…

and fer the most part...are just out to have a good time themselves...i try not a to be a finger pointer cuz i'm a pretty easy goin guy in general

BUTT…(H-E-L-L-O d-i-n-n-e-r)

recently...i unfortunately had front row seats to a social butterfly...

who i've known fer a while now...go from a fun party person…

to a complete parody…when they mistook my sleep'n bed...

 as their own personal flower bed and decided to water the garden the back of my smurf pj's at 5 am one morn'n

now...it all depends on how you wanna look at the situation...

some might say...well incontinence is just a temporary inconvenience...but fuck it!...this was MY fantasy land that ended with NO happy ferry tail in the end...if you wanted to cum...then you should'a at least come prepared

much like an unplanned pregnancy...i just want this to all go away...

but unfortunately...a coat hanger will not cure this STEAMY situation...so now i'm stuck with that homemade work of incontinence on my sealy posture peedy to remind me i should'a just listened to Nancy in the 80's and said "JUST SAY NO!"

UGGGGGGGGGGGGH!...now get off my dress!

BUSTED! pt.1

we've ALL suffered thru many odd or reprehensible occurrences in life

like fer instance...take the the Anglo-Zanzibar war...

bein' the oddest conflict in history...it lasted a mere 8 minutes longer than my last hook-up...clock'n it at only 38 minutes between the United Kingdom and Zanzibar on the 27th of august 1886

for all those who DID NOT make the right choice at the polls last year

and still have'n to deal with this clown fuckery

SPAM

and then there was that one time 13 years back...

when i ventured out to some local homo shithole fer showtunes nite

i've been in my fair share of shithole's from town to town...lemme tell you...most of them have been usually on all 4's begg'n for it...and nothing says homo heaven more than bein' in a seedy leather bar belt'n out broadway hits with a bunch of beer guzzle'n...ritual bath'n man titties in tank tops that could barely keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle...

let alone hold a tune...but oddly enough though...there i was...pretty much kill'n time with my friend Sally May  a box of Franzia...try'na get into the spirit...by soak'n up the spirits...til i hadda pick up 2 of my siblings and Joan Crawford at the airport when they crossed the border from margaritaville at midnite

it's funny though how the same group of non hetero's that cruised me on-line an hour earlier...now all of a sudden wanted nothin' to do with me after they found out i was in fact thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...cuz they're look'n fer someone 

more "str8 act'n and appear'n"...yet the 2nd Madonna's "don't cry for me Argentina" appeared on screen...these "macho str8 act'n n appear'n" burly bears...cubs...and their counterparts...would raise their fists in unison (after they pulled them outta their dates flap jacked ass of course) caress'n the dried on pearl necklace they fergot to wash off from their neck from the nite before...all while clutch'n tightly onto their napkins and wave'n them in unison as the QUEEN would erupt into song on the casa rosada above the crowd 

well...once you've seen that...it's all down hill from there...but anywho...

as we tic-tac-toed our way thru the sea of toads that nite...we made our way to the outdoor patio fer some not so fresh smoke filled air...consist'n

of bacon breath and bad b.o. with just a subtle hint of someone who'd soaked much too long in their after bath body splash...who turned out to be this stylish hag that had seemed to have lost her fag...who had made some comment about my irresistible almond shaped irish eyes as she passed

by...(hey...i can only report the facts) and the fact was...of course...she would become my new bestest friend...for at least the next 45 minutes anyways...why not! (sorry Peetrinella but you weren't there)

she had this sorta flirty innocence that the box of Franzia i was with that nite loathed...well...cuz she hadn't offered up any compliments to his drunk ass...so of course this meant that his mouth would pop open any minute like a pez dispenser from hell and out would pour a flood of cuntage...tear'n her to shreds until she was a mere puddle of regret on the floor fer dare make'n eye contact with us in the 1st place...which is exactly what had happened

so i quilted my best comforter as fast as i could and pulled her outta the cage match...she was no match for!

by now the clock was tick'n and i only had 45 minutes before i hadda fly out the airport to pick up my blood line...but puddle girl was still a puddle while try'n to decipher the reason'n fer the box of Franzia season'n her ass...but i was in zero mood to explain it to her...(seriously...i don't know how you non homo guys put up with all their blubbery mess...call a doctor pronto!)

so i opted the best way i knew how to shut her up...by putt'n a Miller to her mouth...which i did at the next water'n hole...but had let her know the clock was tick'n and this would be the last stop...or she'd be thumb'n it home...

by the time we left the bar...she had completely fergotten the cage match from earlier and was give'n me directions to her house...which of course ended up being on the other end of the fuck'n universe

as we walked to my car...i noticed a pocket knife had fallen from her purse...and though she seemed completely harmless enough at the time...

i was in no mood to find out if i was cart'n Lezzy Borden's ass all over the metro area...just to drive to some deserted alley and end up as a side dish with some fava beans and nice kiante...so i pocketed the pocket knife and would give it back to her once i kicked her to the curb

as i was cross'n the river and not over to grama's house...

i decided to coast down the other side of the bridge...when i noticed christmas lights flash'n in my rear view reflection from a distance...and i suddenly got all in a panic cuz i realized i hadn't even put  together my latest and greatest my x-mess list together fer Peetrinella...i mean Santa Clawz...

then i realized...wait!...it's only july!

though i personally felt i was more than ok to drive...i knew i was suppose be the sober cab that nite...but i did have 4 watered down bottles of piss diet beer all nite (hey no one else is gonna watch my waistline but me)...and it was a good hour since i had a drop to drink before i had put the keys into my ignition...so i figered i had a tail light out or perhaps it was against the law to carry some half baked blubber'n bitch in my front seat...i don't know!

so i pulled over to the side and noticed in my side mirror...

a beam of light and  from the distance...an incredibly hulky cop walk'n towards my car...and i swear on a stack of CHER cd's...

Madonna's "erotica" was play'n in my cd player at the exact same time...so of course i'm think'n...FINALLY...i get to play out my wildest fantasy...only prob was i had this drunk mess in my front seat...total mood killer!

by the time the officer made it to my window...i had already rolled down my window...anticipate'n as to what position i was gonna be ordered in next...

but much to my surprise...he just asked me "do you know why i stopped you? in a not so very bend over and take it like a bitch kinda way

ummm..."is it cuz i'm pretty and yer in the mood fer an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?"

though i heard my mind say it...i hadda dash down stairs to my mouth as fast as i could to make sure i didn't actually say it to mister officer...(though secretly i had wished i had)...who knows how this whole nite would'a turned out...but turns out as i was come'n down the bridge...i had inadvertently ignored my speedometer and was goin approximately 9 miles over the speed limit...it'll happen!

he'd asked me what i had to drink...instead of ask'n me out on a date...like i assumed he would've asked me...i mean HELLO? look at me...i'ma catch

i decided not to turn this into some twisted fantasy any longer cuz i noticed the time on my dash board and i was now NOT at the destination i was suppose to be in at this time...so i told him the story about my night as i checked myself in the mirror...and then he asked me to step outta the car...about time!

as i placed my hands on the hood of my car wait'n in anticipation fer that slow hand pat down that i had read about in all those erotic novels as a teenager...again i was misinterpret'n everything and he had asked me if i had anything in my pocket...to which i said said just my cell and wallet

as he had me lift my hands out he slipped slowly down my front pocket..i knew i wanted him inside me...but i thought i'd be in another position...

 instead...he pulled out a pocket knife!

it had completely slipped my mind that i had grabbed it off the sidewalk...
and had put it in my pocket but fergot to give it back to the blubbery mess once we got in my car...so i explained it to the officer...and next thing i know...i'm lean'n over the trunk of my car gett'n hand-cuffed by Roscoe...

though...when i played this scenario out in my head...i'd assumed they'd be wrapped in some sorta fun fur...and i'd be strapped to his bed posts like some caged animal

so next thing i know...i'm being escorted ...without a corsage i might add...to the back seat of his car...without him join'n me...i might also

wanna add...and not 5 seconds would go by before i noticed some Sanford and Son look'n tow truck arrive'n on the scene with no DJ equipment or disco ball...and the gal bein' told to get outta my car as it was lifted up on it's hind legs and they disappeared off into the distance in a matter of seconds

WTF?

it was as if the world had stopped and i wasn't gett'n off...with ANYONE! 

join us next week fer part 2 of the excite'n conclusion to BUSTED! now GET OFF MY DRESS!

pass'n out over passover

well this weeks blog was intended fer last weeks audience...

but unfortunately it was preempted by the untimely pass'n of the lil Purple Paisley man 

but unfortunately...that wasn't the only sad new of this past week...

so without any further interruptions...on with the program...

another holiglazed season is upon us once again that began at sundown…

last fri...then why is this overlooked holiday completely left outta the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super stores...if ya ask me…i say "gimme my fuck'n Passover prezzies…puhleez!"

i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts...just as is anyone in the past 2000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?...BUT

apparently the story goes as follows...when Jewbacca and his buddies were lay'n down the law of the land...some imaginationally nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the remote control) one day flipped out and went all ax-weild'n homicidal maniac on everyone...who then "passed over" the homes of the "penny pinchers" 

while slay'n everyone else's first born pile of crappy pants…

in some city far far away…

though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that's…another story

see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it's disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of these winners on the American Idol program...cuz no one else does these days

(that was NOT a paid endorsement)

how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?

it's one of the last exploitative days left in the calendar year that's not be give'n some sorta money make'n celebratory mindwarp...NEXT!

though this past weekend proved to be a bit of a celebratory...

holiday of it's own with the remembrance of a MN legend...many friends bday's and one bad nite...which could be perfectly summed up with a lil ditty from Miss Sophie Ellis- Bextor...when my precious...PRECIOUS...P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S pink UV blockers that i had only adopted but one week earlier...and had only managed to get in 2 unworthy publishable selfies in them...before they were ruthlessly...but unintentionally...murdered in a drunken rage on the dance floor...by a very dearly hurt'n kitten of mine...who was left in stitches...and NOT from laugh'n...

then i had a flash back...

a not so long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years at the time…who…at times…could be a complete kitten...

and at other times was completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf Franzia…that he stored conveniently inside a trick pocket he master minded himself...well cuz the price of bein' an intoxicated catastrophe was become'n much too spendy...rang me one sunny sunday funday afternoon to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice

though i would'a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drank shots of DRANO…i was in need petrol in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on to see how long my patience would last

by the time i had reached my headache...i remembered his name...

DANZILLA...(fer obvious reasons you'll find out soon enough as this mess will progress)...had eyes like the emerald city…a thick black mane atop his noggin with butterfly lashes to match…and lips made out of precious pink pillows..that i wanted to punch numerous times in manysituations

WAIT!!...lemme back it up a bit…

DANZILLA had recently checked outta this very posh…"state run" hotel

after his court ordered year lease was up fer fulfill'n his contractual obligations…and she was ready to go bat shit crazy (or just maybe that's why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went

first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was thee appropriately chosen…

by DANZILLA...and of course he became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order'n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh appletini

though i was the designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn't hurt…would it?...and anyways…i was about to

make my national debut there as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the universe that halloween…so one like myself...must learn how to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it's a free cocktail…i could afford that!

now…i'm used to said friend of 17 years & her antics and vocal range after she's filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice she could

shove in her trick pockets…on any given nite (it was like watch'n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and i was always try'n desperately to be the voice of reason…but ya can't stop an inebriated locomotive no matter how hard you try!

DANZILLA had drowned himself in 5 appletini's at this point and basically prostituted his affection for mr. bartender's attention with a $20 benjamin

after each martini he chugged down…(maybe it's cuz the bartender was a drug dealer) cuz every time he bent over…he was sell'n alotta crack…and at some point during the chaos and confusion of booze-a-pa-looser…DANZILLA had jumped into the mosh pit with a healthy gal named RUTH

however the war of words started…i had no desire to play referee!

RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA
feel'n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch "whatever fatty"…which RUTH is not mind you…she's big boned...

but…so's a stegosaurus...hey...i'm just say'n

i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until i had had enough

so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his

cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on my friends couch

one appletini : $7 buy'n some affection/attention fer yer pseudo friends: $28 know'n that you won't have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn'n: PRICELESS

moral of the stories…

FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homicidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led

to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) until we learn it was all a hoax...yet we still want our prezzies...regardless!

hmmmm...are ya see'n the connection kittens?

SECONDLY…though times like these were made for Maxwell House…

film'n that day for a YouTube video for the world to witness...would'a made those precious moments much more cherishable!

now if you don't mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy…

so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!