DEJA DO!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that suedo sizzle'n anal wart hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refreshed air in her mundane 'burban life (like most usually do) once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to march down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics) turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was one fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window a few years back...after bein rudely awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty lil mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago "SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whine'n posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same test...so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their highly inspirational low self esteem group ASAP!

instead of own'n up to what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK.

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts and hunt fer some new nuts cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a "GAMBLER"

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "ELECTRIC YOUTH" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) then whisked myself away to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway as one

should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe after all...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...like a pimp at a political convention...it was as if we'd known each other fer years (well in FB years anyways) once he planted his bags in my back seat and planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock that was down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens then decided to pop his cherry with the Minne-Cherry that blew him away (figuratively of course) and eventually we would pop over to my place cuz his socks "allegedly" were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was incredibly open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport and minutes later we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way...

so just remember that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find 

a new one...which is about as original as a 10 year old boy try'na be "edgy" with eyeliner on his tiktok account fer the 10th time

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

calorie free transiency

so there i was one lazy saturday afternoon...dressed in my best pressed...

muumuu...with nothin' better to do but get everything done i couldn't get done durin' the week...like groceries...slap the ol' pickle tickler around fer a hot minutes...target run fer ass wipe...

OH YEA...and don't ferget to poop!

instead i opted to hitch hike along the informational highway and complain to the electronical world we've created fer ourselves known as FB

 (side note...to the delusionally perverted out there...remember when FB used to mean "fuck buddies"?)

BUTT...
where was i?...oooooh yea...(insert drool here)

so i sign into FB and made thee 1st earth shatter'n post about how miserable life is cuz it's so fuck'n cold out there and i can't find nothin' to do accept check my post every 10 minutes to see how many people "liked" my post and how many had made a sympathetical comment to my

miserable plight...so i could feel alot better about my miserable self...3 hrs or so would pass before i would finally scrape my perky ass outta bed and crawl into the kitchen to eat some science project that was grow'n in my frigid box...cuz well...i was too lazy to remember i told myself to get groceries the nite before...1st thing in the morn'n...

so to calm my uncontrollable urge to make another utterly and total...

 pathetically sympathetical post...i decided i needed somethin' to wash down the science project i mistakenly swallowed and since i'm pretty sure orange juice should actually be the color of orange...i decided to grab my ice pick...throw on my parka and go on an expedition into my freezer to see if there was any thing that i could rescue...and too my surprise i found buried under a foot of freezer burn...a 1/5th bottle of pomegranate Smirnoff my friend Greta left behind when we had a camp out in my live'n room so many summers ago

i made myself a shitty pomegranate glass of unfiltered happiness with a shot of stale seltzer water...poured in some MN misery...a splash of resentfulness that i didn't win the POWERBALL...a pinch of the terribly intolerable 2's and Dr. Kevorkian's number...and i had made the perfect pick-me-up to go along with my shitty outlook on the day cocktail

after i choked down my swill...i decided to make some very urgent calls...

but unfortunately fer me...the suicide hotline decided to put me on hold!

absofuckinglutely fabulous!

luckily fer me though... there's only a sheet of solid ice between me and the store and the weather was a balmy 5 degree's above frostbite...the buses were runn'n their usual 20 minutes behind their actual posted times...otherwise i would've been a complete bitch about the current

state i was in!...i had 2 choices...either have a complete meltdown...which actually might'a helped clear the fuck'n sidewalks of the lazy fuckers that lived next door so i didn't have to climb over the hills of HOTH...then i remembered...i didn't have the power to breath fire...and since my tauntaun wasn't insured...i could just keep on course...so i did...of course...and hopped aboard the metro transit 45 minutes later

once i reached my destination...everything in the past 4 hours that felt like the weight of the world on my chest...were now no longer aggravate'n me as i stripped off my layers of regret and threw away my bitch blouse to feel comfortable...that is until i was hunted down by some store greeter...

"SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"

s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y...after what i just gone thru to get here...

I...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...is bein' asked fer I.D. to shop fer some groceries?

na-uuh...she DID NOT just say that to ME!

and once again i hear her say... "SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"

ummm...no...i think what you need Bessie is a good dietitian and that trough yer use'n as yer personal buffet table take'n away immediately...(i was merely think'n of her cholesterol intake kittens...i have plenty of pleasantly plumpers i consider my closest friends)...but i didn't wanna argue...so i handed her my I.D. without grill'n up a back hand sammich fer her...i assumed she had had her share fer the day

as i walked around fill'n up my cart with anything that would calm all of the

restless natives beat'n the hunger drums in the pit of my stomach...i wondered...waid'a'minute!...why did i give her my I.D.?...so i marched up to customer service to speak with the mgr on duty

out walks this hefty hideaway gal...who wasn't really hide'n anything to be

 quite honest...so i explained to her why was it needed that i had to give my I.D. to the bloated stegosaurus with the bad bi-leveled oglivie home perm greet'n people at the front door...and she calmly said in her best Ernest Borgnine voice that she shouldn't have

i'm think'n ok...this deep fried trough tail gator spotted me as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and just wanted proof to post on her FB page...i get it!
(it's so hard to be me sometimes!)

ummm...i don't think so...the gloves of reason'n were off

the manager got on the loud speaker and said politely...

"Martha please come to the customer service desk"

after Mrs. Dumptruck explained in that typical phony corporate response as to why she took my I.D. to her manager...she had pulled it out from her

tent pockets and handed it over to the IHOP mgr...who looked at it once...looked at me...then held the I.D. closer to her face and looked closer at my face...then all of a sudden they both started smirk'n til they both broke out in complete laughter point'n their claws...

at me!...HUH?...ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?

well i usually hold back my mouth dam...but i'll be damned at this point...

i was gonna let em have it with both barrels...so i grabbed the loud speaker and said..."shoppers...today's blue light special is in customer service...but they ain't so blue...and they most DEFINITELY ain't so light...

but they sure are purdy special...so you'll have to read to 'em r-e-a-l slow...

come gaze at these 2 backward barn yard Miss Piggy mutha fuckers...but please refrain from feed'n them as they hadn't had their feed'n yet today...and you might just become their main course"

i grabbed my I.D. and ran out the door into the freeze'n cold once again...

without any mouth water'n morsels to fill my fuck'n gut...though i wanted to gut anyone that crossed me now cuz my mouth was as dry as the Tatooine desert and my breath was seethe'n like a rage'n bi-polar monkey slut in sunday school 

then i woke up

WTF...it was all just a dream?....eh!...it was time to make some breakfast...

as i opened the fridge...i noticed nothin' but some strawberries wrapped in last season's faux fur collection

OK!...this ain't happen'n...so you best get off my dress!