DEJA DO!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that suedo sizzle'n anal wart hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refreshed air in her mundane 'burban life (like most usually do) once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to march down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics) turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was one fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window a few years back...after bein rudely awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty lil mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago "SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whine'n posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same test...so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their highly inspirational low self esteem group ASAP!

instead of own'n up to what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK.

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts and hunt fer some new nuts cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a "GAMBLER"

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "ELECTRIC YOUTH" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) then whisked myself away to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway as one

should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe after all...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...like a pimp at a political convention...it was as if we'd known each other fer years (well in FB years anyways) once he planted his bags in my back seat and planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock that was down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens then decided to pop his cherry with the Minne-Cherry that blew him away (figuratively of course) and eventually we would pop over to my place cuz his socks "allegedly" were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was incredibly open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport and minutes later we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way...

so just remember that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find 

a new one...which is about as original as a 10 year old boy try'na be "edgy" with eyeliner on his tiktok account fer the 10th time

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

happy happy joy joy!

don't you really hate when this happens to ME kittens...so there i was...

home from pump'n it up at the local uninhibited and uninhabitable steam room at the neighborhood church my gym...in the wee hours of the morn'n...all bright eyed and half in the barrel...iron'n out my personal mantra's...along with my unmentionables...peruse'n my daily horrorscope passage...gett'n ready fer my surgical "procedure" mentioned in last weeks highly informative episode

(catch up & touch me right here if ya missed out on the whole shenanigans from the start)

think'n this was gonna be a simple pimple easy breezy sunday stroll...

on an early mid monday morn'n...

perform'n my greatest car concert duet with the likes of one Toni Basil and her greatest hits...why not!

when i realized i now had approximately only 25 minutes to get to my 

 much needed desired destination on the other side clear across town...durin' rush hour...and every last minuscule minute counted...so i wasn't fuck'n around anymore!

pull'n up to the park'n lot...i was greeted with a parade of auto-mobility

 bingo winged patrons try'n park their huv-a-round after choke'n down a plethora of metamucil martini's while enjoy'n a Murder She Wrote marathon before take'n the curlers outta their unmanageable silver hays nest...with a hint of lavender...adorn'n the top of their noggin this particular morn'n...

well...let's just say...i could no longer give 2 shits about piss'n anyone off with my colorful sign language and WTF horn orchestra...much like what's left of my faint beat'n heart that's been recently removed

finally parked...i ended up have'n to do the sugar shuffle all the way thru 

the corridors...skipp'n very gingerly thru all the diabetic dudes and dudettes move'n at the speed of a dyslexic slug with turrets that were block'n a clear path to the check-in counter...cuz i only had a mere 3 minutes to check in

once i made my desired destination...the bubble headed happy herpe that 

greeted me behind the desk said i was not in their system...so i showed her the text that i was sent just less than 24 hrs earlier from their facility...and she says to me "oh my...i'm so sorry...but it says here you're at the wrong location...it's at the other one that's about a mile and a half from here"

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y???...i did all i could do to find the key to unhinge my

 jaw and recite to her the recently unsanitized sassy & shady sonnet that i had spontaneously composed at the prefrontal cortex of my brain...only cuz the text they had sent me never stated which fuck'n hospital i was to be admitted into...i just went to the one that i had had the consultation with a month earlier...but i knew it would have to wait fer another time...cuz i was runn'n outta time!

by the time i had made my second and hopefully my final destination... 

(20 minutes later of course...with 13 of those minutes wasted deal'n with the polyestered penny pinchers in front of me just try'na leave the park'n lot in their pinto blow-about at the first location) i tried to calm myself down and had hoped to expect that this was gonna be like visit'n one of those massage parlors with a "happy end'n"

that you could find buried behind the Eva Gabor Wig Collection page of yer nana's crossword puzzle magazine...and that they would still fit me in with a bit of a scold'n and perhaps a small late charge...since i was thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...

BUTT of course...

my inclinations and unpopularly popular celeb status were of no concern to the acid-refluxed ferret sitt'n behind the desk...and i would have to be rescheduled fer 3 weeks down the road

oh well...it's MY BIRFDAY (weak)...so HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY TO ME

and yes...it's on the 6th...though i plan on celebrate'n it ALL week (cuz i can) if enquire'n readers wanna desperately know how long i've actually occupied this planet...it's #49...& just look'n to do #69...so don't try and rain on my parade...(i'm already drown'n)...just leave me yer digits if it's past 8...otherwise...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

NEW MEXICOMA pt. 3

last we left off...our damn cell was in distress...in Kit Carson Colorado

well mine was anyways...and really...that's all that matters...cuz i couldn't get a proper damn signal to be had fer miles and miles...i was completely goin thru c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e major SCRUFF withdraw...but i'm better now (at least that's what the lil people live'n in my head told me)

if yer a sadistic bastard...click here fer pt. 1

if yer a gluten free fer punishment...click here fer pt. 2

 a

and now...see if you can make it thru thee excruciate'n concussion of a NEW MEXICOMA faster than a demented 12 year old can eat'n a bowl of the latest breakfast fad fer whiter teeth

captain's blog...16:15 hrs just barely over the border of Colorado

by now...my ego was completely bruised and battered and sweat'n like a priest on the playground at some local road side pump-n-munch pit stop...

 in Trinidad...WTF?

seriously...i thought we were suppose to take that left turn towards Albuquerque mister driver?

after what almost felt completely like a total bond'n experience with my blood full 2 million some hrs on this road trip from H-E-double hockey stix...mister mechanic decided to double check this satanic monstrosity mobile's lubrication...

so i decided to do my own lube job...and popped on over across the road to make a fast 50...

WHY NOT!

once back on the road...it was back to me fold'n up into suitcase city

in the center square...but another 30 miles down the road we made it to Model, CO...we all decided to stop and stretch our ache'n ligaments once again and grab some grub...and luckily fer me...after poke'n around...i happened to find myself a quaint lil time share that would go perfect with my current outlook on life as it was...that i figered someday i could completely see myself retire'n to and decided to plunk down a few pesos  and a half eaten chimichanga to keep it on hold fer a couple days til i made my way back...and lemme tell ya kittens...this place had plenty of ample leg room...built in irrigational style water park...surrounded by beautifully majestic mountain scenery fer as far as my blurred corneas could see...

with no Mrs. Kravitz's fer miles and miles...or gas station...or grocery store...or any reason to live really...hmmm...perhaps i outta rethink this one!

as my vegan chauffeur decided to take full advantage and graze in the road side cafe right outside the edge of town...i on the other hand decided to take matters into my own hands cuz i was bake'n like a Betty Crocker cake under the blaze'n Colorado sun...but ya know what?...not one damn substantial bid...not even any canned goods...

of course DAH MAN didn't fair any better!

jezus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson bro...quit pick'n yer seat and read'n the fuck'n road side map...this is 2018...I HAVE GPS!

10 minutes later we came across a sign that i had never come across before...and fer the next 20 minutes i felt totally cheated...i mean P-U-H-L-E-E-Z!...i seen more ritual bath'n ball scratch'n bears on scruff than i ever did along side the road!

captain's blog...18:00 hrs: border of my NEW MEXICOMA

well to the border anyways...we still would have another 2 hours ahead of us before we would reach my cuz's in Albuquerque...

but i was so ready to give myself another home lobotomy perm so i could erase the thought of ever doin a road trip like this again...we made our final sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god in Las Vegas, NM

how vommitously nice to find a rest stop that was hip to the whole #METOO movement...while you hadda make a movement

i was lost on this contraception contraption...but i needed to buff a shiner out quick before my eggs would start to scramble in this heat...and if it's hands free...even better...OH WAIT...you can use it on yer boots too?...you crazy New Mexicano's...what will you think of next?

captain's blog...20:39 Albuquerque, New Mexico

i couldn't believe it...WE WERE F-I-N-A-L-L-Y fuck'n here...my hooves were cry'n like a plucked starve'n baby from a sucklin' contest

off in the distance i could see my cuz wave'n us down...so my brother...oops...i mean CHICO (everyone deserves their anonymity)...backed the uhaul up to my aunts patio so it'd be alot easier to unload her shit...i mean...her lovely one of a kind shit!

once everything was outta the truck...we gobbled down on a bowl of enema's and voli fer the next few days

if i hadda use one word to describe this town: BROWN...and that don't even look good on a cardboard box...but we made the most of it...

climb'n 10,000 feet on the tramway...in the air...up Sandia Peak...had me wish'n i had remembered i was petrified of heights after 10 feet up...but i will say this...look'n out at the mind-blow'n...sublime moon lit kissed skies that nite...it was a once in a lifetime kodak moment...that SUCKED!...i really wanted...no...NEEDED to be below all the those fuck'n rocks...

look'n above at some chilled rocks..marinate'n in another fabooshka infused deliciousness at M'Tucci's...they're cumcumber/mint infused mind eraser was an AA recipients paradise...i swear to CHER!

the follow'n day DAH MAN was give'n me cinco de mayonnaise realness in Old Town Albuquerque after a couple "special" Old town aqua's

after 4 days together with CHICO and DAH MAN...they hadda get back...

to reality...and as much as i detested the ride down there...i would'a never made the pilgrimage if it wasn't with them both...it was a good bond'n experience...that i'll do anytime with them again...as long as i can get a smurfy bag of nuts and a half can of somethin' fizzy...with no lay over...unless it's over ME!

the next day...me and my cuz's ended up take'n another road trip to...

Santa Fe...to one of the 8th wonders of the "why the hell am i goin here again?" world...well...until i found out that this was thee fuck'n wondrously awesome-sauced world of MEOW WOLF...and just trust me...if you haven't kittens...think Coraline's alternate world vs BEETLEJUICE's world...and trust me...the pix don't do it justice...it's A MUST X-PERIENCE you have to experience!

thankfully though...my pilgrimage to this pretty lil overgrown town of rocks 

 was not entirely done in vain...as i got to complete my vaca with a quick stop at Walter White's and a slice of pepperoni on the sly...to throw down MY throat and not on "his" rooftop...after i seen the current owner take her seat in the driveway...listen...i understand the right to privacy...but that CASPER awful cage around their house is not needed...

may i suggest perhaps a mote...with killer piranha's...too keep the crazy's out? just a suggestion...talk amongst yer fam...but listen...i'm sure as much as they hate the fans stopp'n by unannounced after all these years...they love it just as much or they'da completely rearranged the entire structure and color scheme of the house

back at my cuzzie wuzzie's palatial pueblo...this tough guy was runn'n...

the roost and there ain't no room fer 2 bitches in this palace...so i headed back to my aunt's to count sheep

by the next morn'n...i was over my New Mexicoma...it was time to finally bid ado to my boo (insert forced smile here)...part'n is such sweet relief they say...but fuck it...i was ready to be on my way...(hey i'm just not that down with brown town) so until we meet again...and i'm sure we will...without bein under duress...p-u-h-l-e-e-z...

GET OFF MY DRESS!