of our life that you've either seen with yer own 2 eyes or participated in fer the very first time that end up leave'n an impactful imprint deep into yer memory banks that you'll end up carry'n with you up until the very last moment before you kick the can...whether it be the very first movie yer dad took you to as a small but important future unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...
where you learned that in outer space you should always do yer research before commit'n yerself to a cloak made out of a brown poly blend potato sack as they don't have the best protection against a lone evil doer with asthmatic issues who has an axe to grind with half the fuck'n universe
then there's that very first time you learn all about the judicial systems as a
tittilated teenrager by have'n yer very first judge judy experience in 1987 thanx in part to an unplanned trip to the barbershop inside yer school lunchroom at 7:45 am then immediately hopp'n on yer huffy bike since Joan wanted you out of the house...huff'n and puff'n like the wicked witch from the west end of town to yer former bff's palace in the projects of the small minded unimportant town…
just to have a mental break down in front of his mom in her Daisey dukes and crop top puff'n on her marlboro lights on the back stoop...as she gives you her simple but effective advice "you sue that mother fucker and tell the judge you were gonna use yer hair to be in a rock band" (and that is a direct quote) completely push'n you into the spotlight of the entire school all cuz of yer fabulous follicles...
which were part of some twisted diabolical plot designed by a group of jack-off jocks who wanted to show you who's runn'n the roost by have'n some piss'n contest and cutt'n off a portion of the luscious locks from the new leper in the lunch room (insert me here) i of course would come out victorious in the end by sue'n the head of the football team's ass (though i'm sure secretly all he really wanted was head or my smooth plump ass back then and all he hadda do was ask...i would'a obliged...back then anyways)
and from that very moment on i would N-E-V-E-R take shit from anyone anymore no matter who they were!
and how could i not mention that time in the pre 90's cell phone era of '95
when i was about to come in my culottes after leave'n a popular STD disco hole in the downtown Minne-Apple area late one even'n when i hopped skipped and jumped into a dark camaro driven by some midnite cowboy who was my last call to bust his balls with as i was trollop'n head'n home fer some head thru Loring Park...
only to make it 2 blocks before we were pulled over by some Roscoe P. Coltrane who tried to take me down fer solicite'n in my slacks...fortunately my jedi minds tricks worked that nite and he let us off so we could get off...
back at my place where my midnite rider admitted this would be his only and last "batt'n practice" before his wedd'n day the follow'n day and asked me if i knew who the TWINS were...
to which i responded "you mean the OLSON TWINS or the WONDER TWINS?" to which he said "NO the baseball team!" i let him know that sports was the last thing on my mind so why not be a good sport and get to work then leave a quarter on the counter on yer way out
BUTT move'n forward
we might be in the year 2022 nonetheless i felt like i went thru some sorta
time warp back to the best decade ever invented fer music durin' the 1980's as i inverted back into my teenrager times by start'n the month off see'n PAT BENATAR (w/NEIL GIRALDO) live in concert...then roller disco'n with MADONNA in Central Park the follow'n week before return'n back home ecstatic to see DURAN DURAN at an outdoor venue except fer the fact that mother nature decided to bitch slap the band and the audience with a severe thunder storm minutes before the concert was to begin that nite...make'n it a disaster fer the flock of fans near and far who were crammed into the casino like salty sardines only to have the concert completely canceled in the end to the dismay of many
end'n out the month with my ALL TIME FAV-O-RIT BOY in thee absolute
entire universe that's been well documented in this blog over the years and of course his boys who he would not be without...
back at MYSTIC LAKE with CULTURE CLUB where they absofuckinlutely DID NOT disappoint as usual
BOY was in tip top shape...engage'n with the audience like he was have'n the best time with his gal pals over a lovely cup of herbal tea and a macrobiotic serve'n of steamed kombu over a bed of hijiki with just a slight sprinkle of gomashio
i'll admit it...I AM A BOY JUNKIE...someone send me to B.G.A...STAT!
that's Boy George Anonymous fer you uneducated kittens...since this would now be the 9th time see'n them live so of course i hadda pull out ALL the stops and pull an all niter into a dayer by gett'n hopped up on an assortment of fruit flavored chemicals consist'n of jalapeño skittles and multi purpose flavors of red bull in order to kick my OCD into high gear by hot glue'n by hand stone by stone and sequin by sequin in an orderly fashion fer roughly 23 hrs and after another 3 hours in make-up i set out to begin my musical journey
arrive'n to the casino just a few minutes early cuz i'm such a gurly swat
after all when it comes to punctuality...i waited patiently fer my friends to show up as i miraculously mosied on up to the bar without gett'n shot at when outta the corner of my eye i caught this pickled patsy absolutely tickled stare'n at me as if i were Medusa and she was about to turn to stone (though to be quiet honest...i think she was just a wee bit stoned) anywho'zll'ding...she had asked if i was BOY GEORGE or a member of his band...awwww...how sweet!
of course i hated to burst her narcotic laced bubble (allegedly) nonetheless i hadda set her straight by reveal'n my real name
once my friends arrived we enjoyed a quick cocktail then sashayed our
A double snakes thru the casino to the theater but not before i was bombarded every step of the way by a stampede of gawkers and stalkers politely ask'n me fer a pic with them and without hesitation i turned their world upside down and inside out...why not!
as the theater lights began to fade and the stage lights began to light up
no one in the sea of fans new and old at the packed theater meant a damn thing to me as i regressed into my former self almost 40 years earlier
moments later the band slithered out from the sides then BOY himself appeared on stage in full glory...play'n up and down their repertoire of hits over the past 40 years and a few new surprise gems and mash-ups fer roughly 2 hrs straight
as the concert concluded i was once again bombarded with many many
requests fer more pix with the audience and though i was desperately search'n fer a cocktail to quench my severely parched throat from sing'n along all nite...i bit my painted lips and held onto my arthritic hips by oblige'n the masses wait'n patiently to strike a pose with me fer the next 45 minutes as i tried to purchase a lil medium memorabilia fer myself
most celebrities like myself usually try & run in circles with the same status
follow'n any kind of event...it can get to be very taxi'n after endless hours of humility wear'n 20 pounds of make-up and wrapped up in an outfit so tight that you feel like yer give'n yerself a homemade hysterotomy every time you have to walk thru a barrage of fans that have no concept of proper light'n or angles as they snap their selfie with you while yer just desperately seek'n the jaws of life to release you from the misery of it all and though i may be at the bottom of the celebrity totem pole...i'm still there dammit and i have a threshold to my thoughtfulness and mine ended seconds after the concert ended…i had had enough with the relentless requests fer snaps (i highly doubt MADONNA ever has to put up with this shit anymore!)
nevertheless i completely melted while i was wait'n in line to buy
some over-priced tee at this pre-teen who i could sense was nervous to ask me fer a selfie (which made sense i suppose…i mean come on…i rocked the shit outta my look that nite) however after see'n the absolute joy pour'n outta his pretty blue puppy dog eyes as he gleefully told me it was the best concert he had ever went to...
suddenly i had an epiphany…music has always been a powerful drug to me and i could tell that this kid was as high as a damn kite from the concert…i realized that i was stare'n directly at myself nearly 40 years ago when i felt the exact emotions see’n CULTURE CLUB on Mtv fer the very first time and even though i was denied the same live experience in 1984 that this kid got to experience in 2022...
i fer one WAS NOT about to crush and scar this kids memory banks by stomp'n all over his request so i happily took a pic with him and the other 15 to 20 some people that waited anxiously behind him before i bid my ado to them all and met my friends who hooked me up to the cocktail drip wait'n fer me at the bar.
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
