Monday, December 2, 2013

As the Eyelash Curls

though live'n the life of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the my own universe...does have it's perks...BUT...
and there always seem to be one attached to that title...it can get a lil sticky when you practice pray'n at the alter of "celebritism"

kitten…lemme break it down fer ya...

i've produced this FAB-U-LESS event in the Minne-Apple that is very much an homage to the hay days of Studio 54...at the Varsity Theater...
fer the past 4 of 6 years...well...minus all the drugs...random sex acts...
Andy...Bianca...Debbie...DIVINE...and Liza

from hunt'n and hire'n the talent...sett'n up the photo shoots...hire'n the graphic artists and collaborate'n with  the concepts...til the wee hours...
 of the morn'n til my back is broken...hire'n the videographer...film'n the backdrop videos...write'n scripts fer sketches...design'n my one of a kind outfits...and hire'n the dressmaker to execute it to perfection...fly'n around town on the wings of my maxi pad blow-about post'n posters and place'n fliers in every nook and cranny imaginable on my dime...remind'n the troops of rehearsals...and gett'n to the show on time...
it's ALOTTA fuck'n work...fer the chicken feed compensation i get...but i stick with it fer the complete rush i get from the stage...though it can ugly at the drop of an eyelash...i want it to look like a sensation...cuz it is a genius concept! 

hosted by my good friend and sorta suedo sister...
BITCH FLOWERS

include'n other fab-u-less staples like ME...
thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER
the boss of burlesque FOXY TANN...
with past performances by...
international sensation SHERRY VINE...KEVIN AVIANCE...CAMILLE COLLINS...BARBIE Q...VICTORIA DEVILLE...MRS. SMITH...SOLE2SOUL DANCERS...with sing'n sensation HARLEY WOOD...
along with spinn'n sensations of DJ's LORI BARBERO...LINDSAY SHIEK...JAKE RUDH...and RICO

we would get every walk of life from the str8's...gay's...bi's...tri's...
tranny's and granny's...from the young and old and the "i give up"
it's the party not to be missed...as it welcomes spring back to the
Minne-Apple
after a long cold hard winter

i knew by year 7...it hadda be HUGE...YES!...i'll admit it...
i'm a size queen!...i don't don't party favors 

so one even'n as i was toss'n idea's in my head...
after toss'n up dinner to the porcelain gods...i sped down the informational highway fer who i thought would be the perfect present fer BITCH's 150th barfday bash to keep her from end'n up in some pile of merlot vomit on the floor before the nite ended...and would also entertain the crowd

hmmm who could fill these shoes?...then it smacked me upside the head...
much like Joan did when i was a kid...

so after spend'n 4 months hunt'n down his mgr...
along the informational highway...it was off  to meet in Oprahville durin' his DJ tour

after being on pins and needles all day one sunday afternoon in Oprahville and not hear’n a peep from Boy's mgr...i thought it was in the tank (as much as i was from the nite before)…the venue was confuse'n on the FB page...then it said it opened at 9 so we got there about 8:30…only to find out at the door it says the club didn’t open til 10…needless to say…
we weren't happy campers since it was sprinkly out…and we all fergot our weather proof bonnets

so we hunted down 3 different bars fer nibbley’s…first one…the kitchen closed 5 minutes before we got there…the 2nd nibbley joint we found...
had some sorta chalk artwork outside of it…but the 3rd one was just about almost right…til i seen the drink and nibbley menu…you hadda basically remove an organ to eat there…so i just had a tic tac and a glass of
“just get my to the damn show already”...
seriously…it started to feel like i was in some bad after school special...twisted tale of
Goldie Frick’n Locks and the 3 restaurants from H-E-double hockey stix!

we FINALLY made it back to the venue…only to be greeted by a rope and more sprinkles…and now it’s AFTER 10 f*ck’n o’clock…
the bouncers were act'n like M-A-D-O-N-N-A was inside or somethin'

well ok...BOY does have the same perennial effect on me (and i don’t even know what that means...it just popped in my noggin) but i was seriously wish’n a huge bathtub of calgon bubbles were right around the corner!
15 minutes AFTER 10 they FINALLY let the crowd in…my heart was pound'n like the natives on Kong island...it felt like i’d gone thru some sorta time warp as i walked thru the entrance…and was dance’n around in my bedroom use’n the vacuum hose as a...ummm...microphone...yea that's it!

of course i darted straight fer the merch table to get some over priced crap that’ll fall apart in the laundry no doubt after a washing or 2…and end up at the bottom of my tee shirt graveyard...but at least i knew that i'd wasted money on somethin’ i'd really appreciate fer the next 30 minutes...
the merch man...who i'd met years ago at other gigs…was lick’n his fingers clean from the KFC coffin in front of him…and was doin his best sales pitch tell'n me to get a tee cuz they’d ALL be sold out before he [BOY] goes on
ummm…do you know who I AM by chance?
i am THEE UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM’N ILLUSIONIST OF MY OWN UNIVERSE…i cannot be pressured into purchase’n at this moment (but if i do…do i get the UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM’N ILLUSIONIST OF MY OWN UNIVERSE discount?)

i told him i was here to meet with Marc Vedo about hire’n BOY GEORGE to spin at MY EVENT (yes i said it…who cares...it may be Bitch's name on the marquee as she so dementedly reminds me every year...but it isn't a show without me grease'n the wheels to make it run just right) and merch man points to the poster on the wall and says to look fer Marc in the crowd...
SERIOUSLY!...ummm i don’t “LOOK”…i am LOOKED AT!...(apparently he don’t speak this queen’s english) so i figered...ok this is how they do their meet’ns (and not in some board room with crisp white linen fertaise sheets and over priced imported toilet water)
well from the 3 choices of tee’s…i wanted 2 1/2 of them but i wasn’t about to sell my unborn niece’s baby into slavery to pay fer them…and fergett’n they NEVER take plastic at the merch table…i hadda hack up a lung at the ATM…and broke down and bought one (since it was the last medium of all there tee’s)…apparently the hefty hide-away stampede never happened like they thought when they placed there tee order…seriously…the GIGANTOR sized tee’s could’ve sheltered a mongolian family of 4

so the 1st  DJ who was play’n (which wasn’t even mentioned in the add)…was ok...but really?...a DJ to OPEN fer a DJ to open fer THEE DJ of the nite? that’s like gett’n a fluffer before the paid prostitute...it don’t make sense to me!...but whatevs i guess

we...mean'n me...figered…buy a cocktail to calm down…and i thought that would do the trick…i mean...this was the 1st time i would EVER be try'n to hire the person on the poster that adorned so many walls thru-out my 
teenage angst years and beyond... thing was...one cocktail was half the price of admission into the damn club (which…to be honest…looked like yer flashy and charm'n but typical shit box club…with a couple of disco balls and P.Diddy’s bodyguards as door checkers)

the bathroom was nicer than the entire bar…they had an “attendant”...
but let’s be honest and call it what it really was…a fluffer with a 401k plan…(and i’m sorry)…but who in their right mind is gonna take a #2 without NO walls or door to deflected the musical gruntage? i’m just say’n…the designer obviously was a perv!

by 11:30ish Marc had FINALLY gone on…but seriously…techno music without words…is like a hooker without a std…am i right?
12:00…12:30…12:35…12:45…1:00 am…1:30…1:45…ARE YOU F*CK’N KIDD’N ME?...i may have felt like a tweeked out teenager walk’n into the venue…but i was up since 5 am…by now i was turn'n into a tyrannosaurus toad!

as my group of stalkers friends i was with…jumped ship one by one…until i was stand’n there alone (except fer the huge crowd around me) i was ready to turn into a pissed off pumpkin myself…then all of a sudden…as i was face’n the door and contemplate’n how much it would really hurt to jump in front of a bus…the sea of hands in front of me did a double zeig hiel Hitler while they stared up into the 2nd floor like it was a total eclipse
as i turned around...i seen this huge puff of fog under flash’n bulbs…a beard and a skyscraper top hat…it was BOY F*CK’N GEORGE!

well at least that’s what the announcer said…but fer all i know…it could’a been my uncle Vern in eyeliner…look’n like some tranny talibanner with a top hat…but i just took them fer their word it was in fact BOY GEORGE!
Marc finally had walked down thru the crowd…and HELLO!...he totally was gravey on my mashed potatoes look'n...and so i wouldn't be some star struck fucktard…i waited til i had an open’n to chat…and it went a lil somethin' like this :

Me: hey Marc it’s Mattress Fever from Minneapolis…i spoke with Emily in London about hire’n George to spin at my event next april in Minneapolis and she told me to contact you here
Marc: oh riiigh…oiee blimy mate…nice to finally meet’cha…yea i don’t know enaethang ‘bout the fee bu i think it’s guud…talk to me wifey about all that but I think it’s a go though
Me: ok cool

we shook hands...he smiled and walked away and that was it! 

REALLY?!?duuur!...wai’da’ minute!...so do i have BOY?

i didn’t wanna read anything more into than what Marc said so now i guess i’d have to email his wife and get the ball roll’n…roll’n…roll’n down the Mississippi river

float'n on cloud 9...i decided to go back to the crowd and dance like it was
1984 all over again…i ended up meet'n this fa-bu psychotically war painted party monster blimp JoJo Baby and this fa-bu perform'n illusionist Sissy Spastik in a full body condom adorned with mirror bits and silver garland heels and as thin as a rake
  (i hated the bitch fer look’n so sick and able to pull it off so effortlessly)
  it was like look’n into a 18 year old mirror of myself
we danced…gotta photographed to H-E-double hockey stix…met some guy (why not!) that clung to me like flies on hot shit all nite (I mean who wouldn’t right? Don’t answer that!)…who wanted me to go back to his hotel by the airport…then tells me he’s been “married fer 15 years” and N-E-V-E-R cheated on his bf…but he would with me…cuz that's...oh what's the word i'm look'n fer...O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L!
UMMMM TAXI!

wait'n til the wee hours of bar close as dawn barely begun open her eye…i realized…i’m no longer the 20 year old energizer bunny i once was…i had pretty much been up fer a full 24 hrs…just to hopefully hire and get a pick with the Boy...but no such luck (with the pic anyways)…and seriously i didn’t wanna go into total batshit breakdown f*cktard mode…like some do when in the presence of an international icon!

so i gave my proverbial hug to my non existence present failure and hopped a cab…and as i turned around look’n back as my good look’n failure faded into the misty nite club of the nite…i remembered one thing…YOU IDIOT!...you never gave him yer number in case he gets back home to Milwaukee and finds his bf is hacked to pieces or somethin’ and needs console’n!!

by the time i had arrived back home and into work the next day...it was endless emails back and forth from london to new york...one after another...almost certain that i was ready to cross off one of the many things on my bucket list...then  it FINALLY happened!
BOY had released his brilliantly penned solo album "this is what i do" of original hits after 18 years...finished with his DJ obligations and miniature tour in england...
then announced he and the the original CULTURE CLUB members were goin back into the studio fer a new album in early 2014

i was beyond over the moon of this news...but i also knew...
that this was not good news...FER ME!...so i didn't get BOY at my party this time around!...EH!...what'dya do but line up the next best things...which i did...but it's TOP SECRET til the new year...even better though was hear'n that all the band members were gett'n back to do what they do best...it's music to my ears and well worth the slight disappointment...so if BOY is out there gett'n this read to him...and i trust he is...
T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U!...T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U!...T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U!
we will meet once again!

now get off my dress!

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