SPLAT!

we're only weeks away til those dead among us come back to walk the

earth once again...thus...the season of the stalkers has finally begun...and lemme tell ya...me & my dearest friend Peetrinella are like 2 pumpkins in a patch...well...cuz she made out like a bandit last xmas & bday with her h-weenie displays i hadda sell my soul (along with about half of my dignity) just to keep her tap dance'n til the snow starts to blanket the ground and she can put up her gargantuan xmas displays that took the other half of my dignity over the years...though here's hope'n next friday's release of the new HALLOWEEN...spun from the cult classic...to finish off the series 

ain't fucked up like all those of the recent past remakes...fuck'n with my fav-o-rit holiday of the year and turn'n it into a can of less than stellar steamy meh! soup!

though apparently...yer cult status as a scream goddess doesn't pay to cling onto these days...when you can loose yer shit by buy'n stock in activia...just ask Jamie!

when it comes to stalkers i've always considered myself a pretty pacifist...

you fuck with me...and i will pass a fist...to yer face...and it ain't gonna be pretty...KAPEESH!...i mean...have you ever tried pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers?...well...verbally speak'n of course...i don't need'a break a nail over yer bullshit!

BUTT sometimes...you gotta pull out the big guns!

so late one early nite...after a difficult day at the park...just try'na come up with enough coinage fer a caffeinated beverage...i headed back to my shit 

box to settle down fer an even'n with an Alice marathon...why not!...with cool cucumber slices on my eyes to calm down the baggage i had been carry'n under my eyes after a visit earlier from my neighborhood "gynecologist" who informed me that my onychophogy was back and was not feel'n that great in the end

there was a still chill in the nite air as the sun was take'n a nose dive behind the horizon...and i was without my emergency shawl...so i started pick'n up my pace while pick'n up my ass from scrape'n on the sidewalk...wait...who am i kidd'n...my suppley smooth A double snakes doesn't need a bungee chord just yet...my 48 years young tush is so tight...i can practically turn coal into diamels with one squeeze 

(hey...i'm not that delusional)

with only the mate'n calls of the corner STD's drown'n out the chaos of the city...i could feel the hairs on my chiny chin chin stand at attention as it felt like i was no longer the stalker...but the stalkee

up ahead i could see the corner of my apartment build'n thru the bushes and knew it was best if i didn't look back as to cause any sorta confrontation...just ignore the world behind you and move on...but the sounds were gett'n louder and louder with each nervous step

finally reach'n the back door of my build'n and felt a sigh of exhausted relief come over me...much like my last mistake a week earlier...and as i fumbled thru my keys like Schneider try'na get a sneaky peak of Barbara and Julie runn'n around the apartment in their b-day suits while Anne was at the office...from outta the bushes i was cornered and had no where to go...so i decided to stand my ground and defend myself the best way i knew how 

oh trust me...it was goin down...PREDATOR vs the TERMINATOR

they waited til i was all alone with no one in sight...to make their move...and they apparently knew there'd be no one at that particular moment outside of my shit box...almost as if they had stalked out my place fer weeks on end...follow'n my every nite moves...from pick-up to pick-up...park'n lot to park'n lot...look'n fer the perfect time to pounce on me

though they threw the 1st punch...i made sure not to let them think they had any sorta chance in hell of ever come'n outta this alive...

this was my vietnam moment!

just when i thought i only hadda deal with just the one of these pain in the neck asswipes...5 seconds later a whole damn army of fucktwats decided to join in and started take'n shots at me...a couple to my arms and 1 deep one to the left side of my neck...big fuck'n deal i thought to myself...i've had worse happen to me back in the day...i just didn't want any to the face

well cuz i have'a show come'n up this h-weenie in Winona, MN...and as any true artist out there knows...there's no cover up to cover that shit up!

luckily fer me...i was able to throw in a few good punches i learned from 

the gals in the type'n pool...they weren't expect'n me to fight back like i did...3 or 4 hit the ground hard but they were come'n outta the wood work all around me...and i'm not gonna lie...i was gett'n way too tired to put up with this shit!...are you kidd'n me?...it's 2018...i just wanted to relax with some Alice and the gals at the diner...i thought i was completely done try'na defend'n myself with this sorta bullshit after all these years!

i was cornered like our mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit in a room...

 all alone with Mueller...i seriously didn't know if i'd ever get outta this alive

plenty of blood was gonna be shed before the nite was over...i was sure of that...and i was sure as shit gonna make sure it wasn't mine!

i was never one to let anyone get in the last word...and tonite would be

 no exception...FUCK'N PUNKS!!!

they started this whole damn mess but i was gonna be the one to finish it!

i don't care what A-N-Y-O-N-E says...these assholes deserved the death penalty fer what they did to me that nite...those damn mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friend...PERIOD!

now get off my dress!

reap what you sew

fine...i'll just say it...kids are ASSHOLES!...and don't gimme grief about it

or start write'n to yer congressman/woman...political pedophiles...or march'n in the streets with yer picket signs and petitions...or burn'n me at the stake to prove me wrong...you know this to be true...well...ok maybe not ALL...BUT...

there's always one kitten that'll pounce on those who are weaker...

just to prove that they are a total A double snake hole to their friends...it's an annoy'n but all to often an acceptable passage into teenage life

kids just being kids!

i had fergotten about most of my teenage angst and ridicule that i suffered at the hands of certain peers thru-out high school...like most do once they leave the shell of their former self...that is until you get an invite to yer 25

year reunion of hell high school...so i decided to hop on my huffy bike and remember how cruel a certain portion of the prepubescent pimple population can really be to their generational flock

after a much deserved nervous breakdown during my religious education in 10th grade...i got my pink slip to finally attend public education...after

 being forced to attended J-man high school fer the past 3 years of my life...oh BTW...the prepubescent pimple population AIN'T any better in the J-man schools...just FYI

by my 3rd day at public education...most of my friends that i had acquired pre-high school...were no longer interested nor remembered who i was...

and i couldn't blame them...I WAS NO LONGER the "Kermie"..."mohican" or any of the other countless nicknames i was christened durin' my grade school life...but i was much happier than i had been fer the past 3 years of hell in the CASPER classroom 

but 3 years and puberty later...we ALL had completely changed everything

physically...mentally...and socially...why not!...i no longer was sport'n the Richie Cunningham cut...my somewhat squeeky clean image annoyed me...i don't follow leaders...

THEY FOLLOW ME!

it was the 80's...and i had built a shield of ownership and independence thanx in part to the fab worlds of my 2 hero's...Boy George and Madonna

whenever i was frustrated with life (or not watch'n porn at my cuz's) i would lock myself in my room for hours...turn up my boombox...tune out my family and the worries would melt away as i auditioned in my own dimly lit spotlight

i had finally tossed away my depression pants and suppression blouse i had worn for 3 years in J-man school...and was a tick'n time bomb that

 finally exploded all over everyone around me since i was no longer shackled to the demented and demonic religious rules or under any religious fashion police regime

a force field i had found in a 10 oz. can...was both intoxicate'n and toxic...

but it held up my confidence...independence...along with my out-of-control mane that was completely controllable with a few 10 second streams of my fav-o-rit liquid schlack...i figered nothing or no one could huff or puff or blow my pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe world down

that is...until 7:45 am one morn'n

my good friends from grade school...Wendy and Shelly...

not to be confused with Wendy and Lisa...well cuz they weren't play'n with the lil purple paisley man on stage...(that i was aware of anyways)...so anywho...as i began acclimate'n myself to my new surround'ns and reacquaint'n with my past...a chill ran down my spine as a slight breeze ran past behind me...and all of a sudden my stalkers friends eyes popped outta their heads...

as if they had just witnessed the Hindenburg burst into this flamer

my meticulously hand crafted crown of thorns that i had spent an hour on

that morn'n was wiped out in mere milliseconds while reminiscence'n with my old friends before the school bell rang...by the head of the football team with a pair of shear's on a lame bet...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy at this point in the pimple show

the blood rushed to my head as if i was about to rip outta my clothes...

so i immediately had to make a decision...since i spent my morn'n perfect'n my image to be seen by the pimple parade

do i go ape shit and Columbine the entire pimple parade in my sight...

or do i have a nuclear teenage meltdown and spontaneously combust?

since i didn't pack my sawed off shot-gun (well Bambi cured me of that)

and i knew physically...i could be snapped like a pea pod...i darted fer the nearest exit before the 1st tear would ever have a chance to hit the lunch room floor

by the time i had made it home...i didn't care what anyone thought anymore and the flood gates opened...i could barely form a sentence relive'n the event to my parental adviser...but was given a response i

wasn't expect'n..."if ya wanna look like an ass...ya get what you deserve!"

so i hopped on my huffy bike to my best friend's palace in the house'n projects and luckily his ma...in her daisy dukes...puff'n on her marborlo...
gave me a completely different...and a much better slice of advice cake...

"you sue that muther fucker and tell the judge you were grow'n yer hair to be in a rock band!"

well...that was the straw the broke this non heterosexual's timid shell...

so i decided to visit the top neurosurgeon of cosmetologists in town...

armed with the exact look i was look'n for...and though she convinced me this was an impossible creation to create with what i had left on my head...she perfected the next best look...and perfected a perfectly good friendship that still holds stronger than any aqua net could to this day

3 months later i would have my Judge Judy moment...

and acquired a new gaggle of the coolest bad ass friends that i still am in touch with today...even though most of them are total fucktards when it comes gett'n any sorta response in a timely matter from these days
(insert kids are assholes here!)

it was THEE event of the school that year...the punk versus the prep...

it had never been done before...but i was not gonna back down...and even though i had my fair share of threats thrown my way until my day in court from a handful of future penitentiary patty-cakers...

i had zero desire to give up my newly acquired scrunchy...i was gonna let them all know there's a new sheriff in town!

half of the court was filled with school cutters that day...

whether they knew me or not...and most didn't at this point...but it turned out to be a unsolicited...unofficial...not so national holiday...fer ME! 

unbeknownst to me...i found out years later that there were bets placed who would come out ahead...and even though i had only won $37 outta 

the $2500 that i was ask'n for...hey i was 17...i was goin for the big bucks anyway i could...i wanted outta dodge A.S.A.P. and start my own destination...written by my own rules...far away from the backward mentality of the small cowtown that i once called home

also unbeknownst to me until long after the proverbial dust...

 from the cereal cutter has settled...was the fact that my cuz with the artistic flair...doin his best lawyer impersonation...called down from the Minne-Apple and spoke with the head of the school on my behalf...and rattled a couple of lifeless feathers in the administrational offices before i was immediately called down the follow'n day to try and settle this in a quiet manner and not tarnish the reputation of the serial cutters mother who was runn'n fer office at the time

FUCK THAT!

it was the talk of the town...from catholic school confessionals...

to coffee talk at the Happy Chef...i was on everyone's mind!

i've since become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...read around the entire world weekly...

and though i make an appearance back home now and then to visit with family and friends...it's usually at a $200 minimum fee...so i have to do overtime with my red light on before hand...

but i've stitched myself into the historical minds of that lil shithole town...wait...that's not right...i mean that majestic lil shithole of a town...where the story will be past down fer generations

25 years later i would receive an invite to the very place i wanted nothing to do with anymore...but i figered the times had changed...and hopefully...

most of them had...as well as i did

though it seems like it hasn't been that long of a gap from all the crap...

some of my class remains with the worms fer whatever reason...but fer those worms remain'n that remind me of all the unnecessary chaos they caused everyone else...they know who they were...i'm sure have 

hopefully grown outta their assholiness...unfortunately a large portion of my pimple parade have decided to procreate...here's hope'n they haven't recreated another assholiness to take their place...or they'll be drink'n drano

i don't know what ever happened to the cereal cutter...and i don't particularly really care...good or bad...it's over and i've moved on...well i will have moved on once i've yanked this moment in time outta my noggin

though i don't expect the red carpet treatment...when i come...it'd be nice

but all the ridicule and restless nites i had back then...i wouldn't give up fer a minute...cuz it built me into who i am today...you don't like it...i don't care...but puhleez...get off my dress!