I WONDER?

picture it kittens...the year was 1976...our 38th prez GERALD FORD was

the 1st and only one to this date that got to pass go and collect $200g's a year by move'n into that neoclassical styled sherman-williams whisper white painted air b&b in D.C. who was N-E-V-E-R elected as vice prez or top gun in command...it was more like he won the lotto of politicks

STARLAND VOCAL BAND wanted everyone to have an "AFTERNOON DELIGHT" durin' the summer of '76 which reached the top spot on the charts with their overtly sexually suggestive lyrics (sorry kittens...apparently they lost all their millions in their dirty divorces to afford to have any gif's made...so deal with their studio shot)

SYLVESTER STALLONE played steroidal boxer "ROCKY" which was beat this live'n shit outta the competition at the theaters to take the #1 spot rake'n in an impressive $117 mill...which is roughly like over half a billion benjamins if it were released today (thankyou mister calculator)

there were many comic book heros we all used to watch that had totally

captured the imagination fer all of us Gen X'ers grow'n up from "SHAZAM!" "THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN" "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" "THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" THE BIONIC WOMAN" and "THE SECRETS OF ISIS" to name a few

however...it was the blue eyed raven beauty LYNDA CARTER who was   

 on the hit drama series "WONDER WOMAN" that really captured the essence of all my inspirational inclinations and really sucked me in week after week...play'n duel roles as an undercover worker in the war department as DIANA PRINCE and spun into the woman of wonder when mysterious and/or trouble'n situations would arise...which was spinn'n outta control on tv fer 3 sensational seasons in the mid 70's and constantly spinn'n in my mind make'n me so absofuckinglutely mesmerized and stupefied as to how in the fuck she could transform into her star spangled corset...lie detector lasso and her bullet proof bracelets at least 3 times durin' an episode without have'n to do a single load of laundry

and i was just enter'n my very 1st year of hell (umm i mean kinder garden)

so of course i had to test out LYNDA's theory fer practicality reasons and fer 4 months straight (the only time i may have ever been) i was on the playground at Jefferson school in my fav-o-rit pair of light shit brown faux leather cowboy boots spinn'n around look'n like some sorta schizophrenic gerbil hopped up on hits of acid until the snow fell and i would eventually wear out the bottoms of my boots slipp'n on the ice and crack'n my head open in the process only to be gifted a handful of stiches that xmas but was forced to keep my shit kickers the rest of my school year with the souls held together by duct tape cuz there was no bottomless pit of frivolous funds on the farm to keep me accustomed to the lifestyle i believed i thought i deserved then that i still haven't found to this very day

once the stitches were removed i'm pretty sure my dad hadda sit me down

since he got me hooked on the series in the first place and explain to me the magic of hollyweird...though these days i make others wonder how i can turn a tooth chipper into a twat simply known as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

BUTT...seriously!

though i'll admit still after all these years...i'm very much fascinated by the

superior spinn'n powers of WONDER WOMAN...desperately yearn'n to be just like her and still try'n to make that ball of explosion happen when i duck into the latrine 5 minutes before i need to clock out at work...unfortunately now in my advanced years...i'm spinn'n circles in my head instead cuz I WONDER where the H-E-double hockey stix i put my damn keys after tear'n my apartment apart like the fuck'n neurotic tazmanian devil until i realize that i've been hold'n onto 'em fer the past 20 annoy'n minutes?

I WONDER how to get my dumb ass to remember the new pass code after i just literally redid it 2 seconds ago to get into my smart phone and computer?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

wait...what?

I WONDER what the hell it was i was look'n fer once when i headed out to the grocery store 20 minutes away after leave'n the list i made on the counter back home after doin a complete inventory of everything i specifically wrote down that i needed even though i was just walk'n out the door to go meet a friend fer cocktails at the corner bar a block away?

I WONDER if it's just my plump A double snakes try'n to discretely "break silent wind" or that pepperoni pizza with jalapeño's...banana peppers and extra gorgonzola cheese on top from the other nite that's try'na break outta my outer rim while on my daily walk thru the mouse trap skyway system durin' my break?

I WONDER why durin' the winter months when my narcolepsy decides to kick in shortly after my dinner at 6 pm only to wake an hour later completely disoriented stare'n at the clock on the microwave like a lobotomized lentil...then suddenly jump off the couch in complete panic when the clock comes into focus and i immediately jump into the shower and dress as fast as possible cuz i think it's 7am and i'm about to miss the bus fer work just cuz my microwave clock has no am or pm on it and it's still dark out?

I WONDER what part of my body plans on fall'n off me next?

I WONDER why are the fuck'n ingredients on the fuck'n food boxes so fuck'n teenie tiny?

I WONDER why in the sam hell i still play the lotto after all these years of not winn'n a goddamn penny?

I WONDER if you care that i'm still here write'n my non sensical gibberish after 12 years?

but most of all I WONDER where the fuck my mind went?

 eh...oh well...GET OFF MY DRESS!

HOUSTON...we have A PROBLEM!

we've all had those days when nothin' and every thing and everyone 

include'n those cock suck'n mutha fuck'n pig slutt'n demon whores are totally test'n every last nerve course'n thru yer milky white flesh...well in moments like these...i'll try and press the pause button...take in a couple deep breaths and rearrange my chakra (once i figered out where the fuck i put it) and image i'm the Nutbush City goddess Miss Turner recite'n in my brains over and over "big wheels keep on turn'n...proud mary keeps on burn'n"

after of course i throw on my gold lame fringe nitey (cuz i'd look pretty fuck'n stupid without it on now wouldn't i kittens?) spinn'n around like Wonder Woman circa the 1970's just like i used to on the playgrounds in 2nd grade at Jefferson Elementary in my babyshit brown hopalong cassidy shit kickers hope'n that i can resolve any and all issues eat'n away at my supplely plump A double snakes at the time…however...suffice it to say...this proud Mary's wheels' were no longer turn'n and i was just burn'n up...lemme explain!

well sure as shit as MEATLOAF was overcooked recently so was my last 

nerve when i hopped into my car on a cold and blistery nite with winds outta the west from 5 to 10 miles per hour... 

after leave'n the BETTY WHITE tribute movie about her tremendous career to the entertainment world at my local AMC theater (which to go off on a mini rant fer a moment) watch the tribute on Netflix...it's the same damn thing outside of the 11 second kudo's BETTY sends to her fans that she prerecorded 10 days before her pass'n that i basically paid a $1 a second to hear on a big screen (which even on another side note) her make-up artist should'a been shot!

what in the fiddler's fuck was up with those "MOMMIE DEAREST"  via FAYE DUN-IT-HER-WAY eyebrows? 

why oh why did her make-up artist/photographer draw em on with a damn crayola marker she found under the couch cuz she ran outta pencil and make it look like BETTY was make'n a hostage video? any'who'z'll'ding...

as a special added bonus the fuck'n pampered shitter (who i'm sure wasn't masked) whine'n 3 rows behind fer roughly 30 minutes cuz their hormonally selfish Karen/Ken owner didn't wanna pay the damn babysitter

so where was i? oh yea...so i slip my key into the ignition and give it a turn

when all of a sudden my shit mobile decided to cop an attitude with me and started give'n some shade...well i'm an internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe kittens...i don't speak automotive and frankly at 10 o'clock at nite i really shouldn't have to take smart attic back talk 

when it already felt like the planet HOTH outside…

turn'n my jingle bells into klick klackers though luckily i managed to make it home without any highway incidents 

and crawled under my Tracy Turnblad prom dress comforter to search the informational highway in order to find out the cure fer my car’s current sickness before drift'n off

by morn'n i had resumed my research and matched my current situation

with a small $14 part plus tax that i hadda purchase and contacted a friend on the outer reaches of my universe in a foreign country called Hudson WI and he booked himself on the earliest flight and flew to my  place to replace the part that i knew if i took it into a shop...some mechanic would'a bent me over the hood of my car and have to loose my dignity before i'd ever get my keys back and if it were a perfect world...so would be my mechanic and i would have zero issues lick'n bird shit off my hood...as he went under mine

BUTT...and you knew it was come'n eventually didn't you?

though my foreign friend from across the galaxy eventually replaced

the much needed part in the bitter cold that i had so rigorously researched and was assured by youtubers that this in fact was the only issue to cure the canker sore in my car...however...by morn'n as i jumped into my winter gear and spritzed myself down with some essence from 2007 created by our dearly departed purple paisley MN native bucket of pubic hair...

my shitmobile started give'n me more smart attic backtalk and decided to toss a fit by refuse'n to budge from my park'n lot so i could refuel my body and unfortunately hadda call fer back up which in turn turned out that my mechanical fantasy would have to be put on hold as some ritually bathed Cooter came to my rescue

it would take a whole 6 days later before i would finally become 

reunited with my vehicle and trust me when i say...this was no PEACHES AND HERB production cuz IT DID NOT FEEL SO GOOD!

not only did i not have a chance in H-E-double hockey stix of try'na 

work out some sorta "deal" in the break room with my diesel engine doctor...i would be forced to either take out a small bank loan after only bein months away from the one i was forced to take out 3 years prior or work a double downtown on those cold and lonely after bar sidewalk sale nites...unfortunately at my advanced age (though my "stock's" are still up without any help from ANY fornicational pharmaceutical companies) 

i'm lucky if i can get any canned goods fer my "goods" so i opted fer door #1 which was another damn 3 year loan and of course wouldn't you know they stopped give'n out complimentary boxes of CALGON to take me awaaaaay!

though i completely understand all to well the painful world of own'n yer

very own shitmobile to tool around town at yer own leisure ever since i was 26...here's my question? if we can put a man on the moon...circle the stars and beyond to other galaxies far far away...

be subjected to countless...beyond expensive international war games of who's dick is bigger...

then why the fuck can't we go back to friendlier greener ways of transportation...whether it be via broom stick...

toe tapp'n glittery blood clot slippers together...

or beam'n us up? past generations wrote out the damn road maps...HELLOOOOOOO E-L-O-N it's time to fill in the fuck'n dots mister

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

fantasy island

anyone with a pungent taste fer champagne wishes and caviar nightmares

dur'in the late 70's & early 80's...made a special appearance on the remote island hidden somewhere in the specific ocean (on the back lots of Burbank California)...only to be greeted by one Ricardo Montalban and his lovable door stop TATTOO...who would gingerly mutter those infamous words "look boss...da plane! da plane!" on the hit show "FANTASY ISLAND" every time some damn has-been begged the producers to star in an episode

unfortunately...if the show were bein' filmed today...and TATTOO was 

 work'n in the white house as our unfortunate sociopathetick 70 year old lie'n sack of delusionally demented pig shit'n toddler's side kick...he would be mutter'n a completely different tune apparently...

(though let's get real kittens...he would more than likely be deported or detained)

so get this...our current mentally deranged fuck muppet believes that our 

 military now has a beautiful fleet of stealth F-35 planes...that was recently purchased from the Linda Carter collection...

that are C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E to the naked eye

i know...BUTT...it only gets better!

cuz he's hadda comfort his incestual relationship with his mistress...after 

her shitty line of apparel and jewelry caused a commotion outside the many discount stores across the country...though thankfully...no 'murican workers will be affected by these lay-off's (ya just can't trust those mongolian kids to do a decent top stitch these days) he's been unable to to focus on the REAL matters that matter...

since the fact that that Gomer's cousin and our unfortunate blitzkrieg bozo's former BFF blocked his bloated cottage cheese A double snakes on all social media by dropp'n his dignity along with the dirt and is doin back flips fer special counsel Mueller recently

at least he's find'n time to bail out farmers and their delts with roughly 12 

billion benjamins....after completely cause'n the bullshit himself with his trade war tariffs...cuz what?

he already successfully took care of the crisis with Flint's water systems

 the people of Puerto Rico are finally able to have those pinata parties

and cuz ALL those detained baby burritos were finally reunited with their parental dressin's by the deadline?

if you can't see thru Fuckface Von Clownstick's latest reverse psychotick

tweet...you got S-E-R-I-O-U-S probs!

so this goes out to ALL the brain dead lobotomized gimps that are barely 

left think'n fer themselves
(which yes...i get that that is an impossible double entendre)

 quit live'n in some "reality" fantasy land...take a stand...make a moral decision on yer own fer some change...stand up and be counted for!...if you REALLY wanna see Putin's papaya flavored bloated bitch back in the big house...make sure to shop fer one of the many most beeeeauuuutiful products his team of made in 'murica designers made just fer him...with you in mind TODAY...with ALL proceeds to benefit his re-affliction campaign...this is NOT FAKE NEWS everybody's been whine'n about...this is TOTALLY TRUE!

read all about it in the back pages of the Eva Gabor wig collection catalog

(Mussolini's taint and 'murica's cowardly lie'n decompose'n pumpkin approves of this message)

to all you millennial's who didn't bother to vote in 2016 cuz you thought "it doesn't matter"...IT'S NEVER MATTERED MORE...just like that tired 'ol

Whiney Houston song goes...

"i believe the children are our future...teach them well and let them lead the way"

don't pussy foot around...you can't bitch if you don't VOTE...REGISTER TO VOTE...

get off yer booty...cuz it's yer 'merican duty
let them hear yer voice...it's yer only choice
pleez don't you digress...just get off my dress!