that bothers me!

like when you think yer goin to a feel good movie to lift up

yer spirits after gett'n a desperate call from yer bestie lett'n you know she's discovered a lump....think'n it's about 2 besties that head out on a road trip to the boss's cabin...to get away from all the hustle and bustle of their mundane life fer the weekend from the trailers...

only to find out...yer turned into a puddle by credits end as you frantically call yer shrink fer an emergency session and the number to the suicide hotline...only to be put on hold!

or when you decide to take a refresh'n dip in the deep end of the lake

to escape the insanity...with yer sanity...from another ruined family reunion once again...by yer sweet tooth cuz of yer cuz Mertyl's meringue pie made entirely outta mayonnaise and mustard...and yer uncle's nibbley's parts on display next to the bowl of assorted nuts...

only wish'n you hadn't ignored the DO NOT SWIM sign at the end of the pier!

or when some ignorant bicyclist thinks that they're save'n the entire planet

from carbon emissions...by completely taken over the road instead of kindly move'n to the side when you gotta school bus of scream'n assholes and yer seconds away from gett'n stuck in rush hour traffic blocks from home after a hard day at work...

and realize'n you ended up goin commando that day cuz you were too lazy to do laundry over the weekend...and yer coffee has finally decided to kick in!

one thing that could NEVER bother me though...is today's sassy and very brassy self described..."effeminate and damaged boy from the Bronx"

the one and only MISS COCO PERU...well...except the planned interview i worked on fer months fell thru...due to our busy "scedules"...even after i withdrew $100 from my whore fund fer 4th row center...meet & greet tix fer me & my dear friend Peetrinella fer an early xmas surprise...and then completely have'n an unexcused incontinence moment...by actually fergett'n to go to the damn show a couple weeks back...

BUTT...at the very least

glad fer Coco's hysterical & triumphant return to the set of Will & Grace this past week...

and that there's FINALLY gonna be a sequel...20 years later...to one of my all time fav-o-rit  romatic indy hits from the 90's...here's hope'n Coco's part is much bigger

but now that just means some lonely whore is gonna have to press their luck and hope that their next "WTF was i think'n?" moment...is STD free fer a change

move'n on...

now...imagine fer a moment if you will...yer try'na have a civilized grown-up convo with some instagrammer about the current state of the country 

and they happen to turn the convo around to the current election...and let it slip that they already cast had their vote early...yer think'n...YAY....there is hope fer the future!

UNTIL...that is...that they let is spill they cast their vote fer a write in candidate...and that dam dreaded WHAMMIE hits you like a ton of typical millennial brain dead bricks

cuz they decided to write in Obi-Wan Kenobi...cuz you know..."he is our only hope!"

unfortunately...it didn't work out so well fer him in the end...did it?

now...as much as i want to agree its yer right...to write in who you want

I JUST CAN'T THIS TIME AROUND!...too much is at stake!!!

i hadda rush myself to the nearest powder room and suck on a urinal mint...

before i would end up goin batshit on this one...and end up have'n to go to sensitivity train'n ..after have'n a coupe cocktails with the HR department...of course

just cuz i helped them get a better view of the payment...from the 30th floor!

don't just take my word fer it...let the ever present politically hysterical 

BILL MAHER seriously break it down fer you 18-29 year olds

this blog was pre written before the election results...and there's only 2 

 doors that'll possibly open fer the entire country after late tues nite...

you have to decide if you wanna enter to the other end of the rainbow...

or if you wanna enter the gates of of hell and get yer heart...and everything else...ripped out from under you!

decide...you will...there is no retake...

but decide well!

now get off my dress!

a STATE of a FAIR

i can't remember it as if it were a time and place i had been to...well mainly

 cuz i wasn't even a blip on the radar with concerns to any of the live'n at that moment in time...bein' my dad was only 6 dur'in that year and my mom wouldn't even be a pass'n thought fer another 11 years...but oh what a time i'm sure it was fer the all locals to gather together...fill'n up their bottomless pits full of anything they could get their deep fried fingers on and gaze in disbelief...

much like many of the lobotomized brain dead gimps watch'n their mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit sink'n like the titanic on FAUX SNEWZ...on  the many oddities they've never seen before...like...

Myrtle and Ernest Wattumbach of Zumbrota, MN...show'n off their prized radioactive pet goldfish they had shipped over...via the zeplin...from Nagasaki Japan

or the beautifully pain stake'n saturated fat sculptures made by the hands of the good CASPER fear'n folks at Our Lady of Fantastic Debauchery all the way from McIntosh, MN

while parents would sufficiently stuff the stomachs of their lil clan of ungrateful off-springs full of cotton candy...fried cantaloupe and sugar dipped sardines on a stick...then ship em off to enjoy the high fly'n death spinner 500 feet into the air

flash forward to 80 years later and things haven't changed much...well...

with the exception of some of the lil bratty barf bags from the 1938 crowd that ain't kick'n up daises just yet...the rest of the fair goers will never get to experience the universally accomplished and world's most famous gender bend'n...beyond absofuckinglutely sing'n sensations of one BOY GEORGE and his equally talented band mates of the famous band CULTURE CLUB

in all their glory fer their "LIFE TOUR" this upcome'n labor day weekend at the MN State Fair...mon sept 3rd
buy yer tix here

in support of their new cd "LIFE" due out oct 26...pre-order yer copy here (that's like under 2 months from this week...couldn't you just die!!!)

sorry that's what my 13 year old spastic self would'a said...though i still am 13 at heart when it comes to anything that's new from these jolly ol' chaps

if you can't wait...(cuz ya know i can't) you can listen here to their brand spank'n new...reggae infused glorious debut of their 1st smash hit together in 20 years with "LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU"

but not only do you get to stroll down memory lane with CULTURE CLUB

act today and you also get to hear the whimsically wacky melodies of thee best back-watered bayou band from Athens, Georgialicious...the B-52's...(which will be the 1st time i ever seen them live...so i'm completely beyond excited)...

BUTT...that's all...NOT!

you also get to hear the post punk synth sounds of 1/2 the THOMPSON TWINS...TOM BAILEY

i can barely contain myself kittens!

fer tix to other dates across the US & Canada click here...and to all my

 kittens across the pond...you lucked out...cuz join'n CULTURE CLUB on the european leg of their "LIFE TOUR" is the infectiously sooth'n sounds of GO-GO's front woman and animal activist BELINDA CARLISLE...get yer tix here

well...time to whip up a look fer the fair...so get off my dress!

fantasy island

anyone with a pungent taste fer champagne wishes and caviar nightmares

dur'in the late 70's & early 80's...made a special appearance on the remote island hidden somewhere in the specific ocean (on the back lots of Burbank California)...only to be greeted by one Ricardo Montalban and his lovable door stop TATTOO...who would gingerly mutter those infamous words "look boss...da plane! da plane!" on the hit show "FANTASY ISLAND" every time some damn has-been begged the producers to star in an episode

unfortunately...if the show were bein' filmed today...and TATTOO was 

 work'n in the white house as our unfortunate sociopathetick 70 year old lie'n sack of delusionally demented pig shit'n toddler's side kick...he would be mutter'n a completely different tune apparently...

(though let's get real kittens...he would more than likely be deported or detained)

so get this...our current mentally deranged fuck muppet believes that our 

 military now has a beautiful fleet of stealth F-35 planes...that was recently purchased from the Linda Carter collection...

that are C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E to the naked eye

i know...BUTT...it only gets better!

cuz he's hadda comfort his incestual relationship with his mistress...after 

her shitty line of apparel and jewelry caused a commotion outside the many discount stores across the country...though thankfully...no 'murican workers will be affected by these lay-off's (ya just can't trust those mongolian kids to do a decent top stitch these days) he's been unable to to focus on the REAL matters that matter...

since the fact that that Gomer's cousin and our unfortunate blitzkrieg bozo's former BFF blocked his bloated cottage cheese A double snakes on all social media by dropp'n his dignity along with the dirt and is doin back flips fer special counsel Mueller recently

at least he's find'n time to bail out farmers and their delts with roughly 12 

billion benjamins....after completely cause'n the bullshit himself with his trade war tariffs...cuz what?

he already successfully took care of the crisis with Flint's water systems

 the people of Puerto Rico are finally able to have those pinata parties

and cuz ALL those detained baby burritos were finally reunited with their parental dressin's by the deadline?

if you can't see thru Fuckface Von Clownstick's latest reverse psychotick

tweet...you got S-E-R-I-O-U-S probs!

so this goes out to ALL the brain dead lobotomized gimps that are barely 

left think'n fer themselves
(which yes...i get that that is an impossible double entendre)

 quit live'n in some "reality" fantasy land...take a stand...make a moral decision on yer own fer some change...stand up and be counted for!...if you REALLY wanna see Putin's papaya flavored bloated bitch back in the big house...make sure to shop fer one of the many most beeeeauuuutiful products his team of made in 'murica designers made just fer him...with you in mind TODAY...with ALL proceeds to benefit his re-affliction campaign...this is NOT FAKE NEWS everybody's been whine'n about...this is TOTALLY TRUE!

read all about it in the back pages of the Eva Gabor wig collection catalog

(Mussolini's taint and 'murica's cowardly lie'n decompose'n pumpkin approves of this message)

to all you millennial's who didn't bother to vote in 2016 cuz you thought "it doesn't matter"...IT'S NEVER MATTERED MORE...just like that tired 'ol

Whiney Houston song goes...

"i believe the children are our future...teach them well and let them lead the way"

don't pussy foot around...you can't bitch if you don't VOTE...REGISTER TO VOTE...

get off yer booty...cuz it's yer 'merican duty
let them hear yer voice...it's yer only choice
pleez don't you digress...just get off my dress!