SKANKSGIVIN'

i believe that it was the cool sadistic style'ns of Ferry Homo's holiglazed 

classic "(there's no place like a) homo for the cantankerous holidays" that tasted more like a dry martini with a splash of regret but with an agnostic appreciation for a bitch slap sandwich...as long as they provided some lubricational desert of course

there are so many things to be thankful for this blister'n holiday season

with all that we've had to endure thus far this year after all...fer instance...i'm completely thankful that we no longer have to deal with the fact that no matter how much lipstick the deplorables and repuglicunts put on a mentally deranged pig...eventually...it will be sent straight to the slaughterhouse no later than jan 20th

beyond thankful that SPAM is more than just a 4 letter word when yer pinch’n yer pennies fer a bountiful feast of 1 just cuz the damn stimuless check won't arrive in time

and completely thankful that my reoccur'n dream date with the 80's David Hasselhoff was all just an unmanageable nightmare

BUTT beside all that...

it made me reflect on all the other skankidy skanks i've come across...

though ironically i've never had to cum across them skankfully...like that one time i had lost my first job in the Minne-Apple in the winter of 1991(due to no ones fault but my own...and i own it...so shut-up!) when i made a desperate call to a friend back home who said this guy that looked like Robert Smith from the CURE...

only with gutter breath and an under bite like a Gamorrean guard...had seen pix of me and thought i was "totally hot" (well DUH!) and that he would drive up from Laverne & Shirley land to get me and i could crash with him...his sister and his 1 year old nephew and of course i said yes since i was in no position to negotiate any terms at this juncture in the road

unfortunately...he failed to mention that his sister was a crack addled stripper at some 5 and dime joint who constantly neglected to attend to her cry'n child when she'd get home from the stage while he was try'n to score the latest designer drug that would go with his designer food stamped ensemble

so i helplessly took on the role of reluctant babysitter fer the baby's sake til i could figer out a way out

the only credit i can dole out fer him from this entirely frighten'n experience

 into lucifer's pit was the fact that he constantly stroked my ego (which i desperately needed at the time) and got me a model'n audition fer a major agency who was hunt'n down models in Milwaukee to work fer my all time fav-o-rit designer JEAN PAUL GAULTIER who had just designed the entire BLONDE AMBITION TOUR fer the QUEEN...kittens...i nearly died!

i got a call back 3 days later but by then i had had enough of my current live’n situation and my OCD kicked into over-drive so i moved in with some relatives in the next burb over where i was given the hypothetically snoreville question "would u ever sleep with this guy?" (who just happened to be on the cover of the Milwaukee print at the time) and though i probably snapped back with somethin' like "i wouldn't suck his lousy dick if i was suffocate'n and his balls were full of oxygen" i probably wouldn't have said no to a free facial cuz my biological clock was tick'n fer a lick'n

then she flips open the paper and reveals my hot headlined lover to me...

well...needless to say...i had nothin' to worry about...he didn't like white meat anyways...so i left back to the land of 9,999 bottoms!

a couple weeks later i was tracked down thru a mutual friend that i had

 met down there thru my skank mistake...tell'n me the courts were try'n to track me down to testify against the brother and sister who had inadvertently...on one of their many drug fueled nites...had each given the baby adult nyquil to stop it from cry'n...and unfortunately...it had...but i could not nor would not go back!

move'n on to my next nightmare roughly 10 years later...i got fixed up on

a blind date with this doctor...thru a back stabber i once knew years ago...that i said yes to cuz i swore i would never suffer thru another horrible set-up as long as i lived...but only agreed to it cuz this doc had "the looks" "the luxury" and quite frankly the luck of the draw that i had agreed to go out with him (even though secretly...i wanted to be a doctor's wife...who doesn't?) so he picked me up in his flashy penis envy on wheels and whisked me away to some over priced eatery i would've never stepped foot in but since he was foot'n the bill i thought...WHY NOT?

everything seemed to be goin along swimmingly fer a total blind set-up

he could carry on a conversation without try'n to break his neck pose'n like some sorta egyptian hieroglyphic try'n to discretely read the income'n texts i could hear go off...i mean he was a doctor after all so i sorta would'a understood...but as i was tell'n him that i had gotten tickets to see CHER's 100th "farewell" tour at the time...the waitress was lay'n down our orders in front of us...so i continued and simply asked him "are you goin to CHER?"

you could almost hear a pin drop as he stared deep into my bedroom

brown eyes with this absolute annoyed and astonished look on his face...as if i was ask'n him fer the keys to his pathetic porsche or the pin number to his ATM card...so without hesitation i changed the topic...suffered thru an almost quiet dinner before he basically threw me outta his car and fled the scene

turns out a week later...i ran into the back stabber who set me up on this shit show and told him how the doc got all weirded out when i asked him if he was goin to CHER and apparently because our dinner was bein placed at the same time i had asked about the concert...he thought i was ask'n him to share his dinner with me...OMFG...gimme a fuck'n break!

that would be the last time that i'd EVER accept an invitation thru a friend

well...unless it was a Wentworth Miller of "PRISON BREAK" fame set-up...meeeeouch!!! ps...Peetrinella...xmas is come'n soon...you have my absolute permission to stray from "the list" (insert wink here)

not that i had faired any easier myself mind you...especially the latest 

potential failure that i had periodically connected with via text or talk over the past 20 years roughly that i had initially met on skankywhores.com...not to be confused with skankyhoars.com of course...that i finally decided to break down cuz i needed a break today with the current covid crisis take'n it's toll on my soul...so i decided to take a leisurely road trip this particular fall afternoon to northern MN and meet up with him face to face...to finally face my fears

of course by the time i had arrived 2 1/2 hours later i started to get a feel'n in my boner that this was a mistake and that i outta just turn around and high tale it back to the comforts of my quaint lil shitbox...unfortunately...i decided to give myself an Ogilvie home lobotomy that i left in my car and decided to carry on...i mean i made it this far...what's the worse that could happen?

though he still sorta resembled his image i remembered from meet'n him 

roughly 15 years earlier at the slutoon in the Minne-Apple fer the most part as he greeted me at the door like a proper whore and to be fair...time is like a clock in my heart...though he still was no Michael Scofield but i told my OCD to pipe down or he was gonna spend the rest of the nite in the trunk

he wanted to show me the build'n he was gonna turn into his coffee shop

that was down the street from his place that i possibly was goin to be the mgr and entertainment centerpiece at...which i was more than happy to consider after 30 years of goin no where in the Minne-Apple...unfortunately as i stepped inside his property i was kissed by mother nature's tears and would approximately spend the next 2 1/2 hours help'n him staple gun plastic to the ceil'n so we didn't have to run between the rain drops...i mean really...i had already properly bathed myself in calgon's cool bouquet just a couple hours earlier...i was in no mood to put up with this shit!

as the sun slowly started to set in the west i knew in my head that if i was 

gonna leave this now somewhat bad impression he bestowed upon me...i would have to do it immediately since i don't have the best nite vision...but after a quick match with my OCD & ADD...i decided to take my chance with this possible STD...cuz it can't get any worse...can it? 

back at his home he gave me the proverbial tour that one would give when

a new guest arrives...first impression was that it was very shabby sheik to me but still a much needed work in progress...though as he lead me down into the sub basement of his basement in his humble lil shit shack...my conscious was scream'n at me to turn back and take yer chances drive'n in the dark

cuz up ahead i noticed a large hollowed out hole in the corner amongst the sea of broken cement...that i swear to CHER...if a lil white poodle scampered past me...i was gonna shit bricks!

he asked me if i wanted to join him fer a quick rendezvous at a clients

place to drop off a package and i thought oh...how neighborly it was of him to drop off some baked goods that could freeze beautifully in their frigid aire...only to find out i was on a dry run with Jesse fuck'n Pinkman and though i'm not some judgemental judy since this was his way to supplement his income durin' these try'n times (however...most likely this was his main source of income even before all the shit hit the covid fan) damn i wished i hadn't scolded my instincts earlier

cuz a couple of hours later...2 more "clients" would show up...that he sold

to me as Andrew Christian models but turned out to be more like fruit of the loom burn-outs who barely had a full set of pearly whites between 'em together...before bein spontaneously karaoked to by Miss Meth 2020 a lil while later...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy with myself at all that nite!

by morn'n i had decided then and there that i would NEVER EVER take

a road trip to meet a potential failure without 3 forms of ID...their drug screen clearance and a down payment fer my therapy...so thank yer skank from a socially acceptable distance this holiglazed season

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

BAD TO THE BONE

it's that time of the year once again...where everyone scampers to try

and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other 10 million socially inept people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest lett’n the tri state area know about the new fall’n snow that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually...as if we’re over populated by millions of Helen Keller’s!

though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on! that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubricational appointment...without the proper lube! 

i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what? this time you'd be absofuckinglutely right on the money!

the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with

that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next hour and a half at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while yer watch'n some sorta feel good uplift'n holiday flick...who ain't just some plausable prick just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts with a bottle of platinum WET!

if yer look'n fer some holiglazed flick while consort'n with yer holiglazed

prick and don't wanna break yer piggy bank or deal with those annoy'n "please be kind and rewind" fuck'n rentals fees...here's a few gems that i recommend available free of charge on youtube to help set the mood fer yer dude...or dudess!

ps...i don’t wanna burst yer bubble but the queen of lifetime television had absolutely nothin’ to do with these productions

#5 has been made into countless remakes and revisions over the years

but nothing compares to this awful eye sore from 1980..."THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW" starr'n an irksome 32 year old JEFF GOLDBLUM as ICHABOD CRANE and yes...Chicago Bears DICK BUTKUS as BROM BONES...i don't feel the need to rehash the back story of author WASHINGTON IRVING'S genius dark short story if you’ve never read or ever seen any of the interpretations over the years since we live in the age of google and all...just suffer through it fer the sheer pleasure of it all know’n you’ll loose 1 hour & 35 minutes of yer life that you can never get back!

#4 was the ABC late nite movie of the week that's surely not for the weak

"NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY" starred a slew of has-beens and dead has-beens from "BRADY BUNCH" daddy ROBERT REED "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" TINA LOUISE and "TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL" DELLA REESE about 2 college girls Cathy and Diane who take a mini cross country holiday before finals when there car breaks down in a small redneck town and their troubles begin when their “dirty pillows” ignore the sherrifs sexual advances

#3 is appropriate since it's a menage a trois of short stories fer tv view'n

that originally aired in march of '75..."TRILOGY OF TERROR"starr'n KAREN BLACK who stars in all 3 segments and though each has zero to do with the others...my fav story was the last one involve'n KAREN...a rotary dialed bitchfest with her mother and a menance'n wooden fetish doll with an axe to grind

#2 is a new find that i found absofuckinglutely amaze'n fer it's time...only

cuz it aired turkey nite on ABC tv back in 1972..."HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS" stars a very young "my hair does look like a football helmet" SALLY FIELD as one of 4 disgruntled daughters who return home to see their ail'n wealthy father who suspects his 2nd wife Frederica of poison'n him and asks them to beat the bitch to the punch...there's nothing more chill'n than than a warm family gather’n

#1 is my all time fav-o-rit television melodrama that originally aired in 1983

as a precursor to my foray into the wonderful world of part time prison warden fer other people's minature glamour shot eye sores..."SUMMER GIRL" starr'n "ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" alumni BARRY BOSTWICK as the dote'n dad trapped in a fuckless marriage with a basket case and 2 puke buckets...til he decides to hire some help to help out around the house but finds out that the petite olgilvie home permed home wrecker is after more than just a lil extra cash fer a spank'n new swatch watch...she wants a spank'n and will do what she has to to get her way!

there ya have it kittens...disconnect from whatever stream'n service yer

hide’n in yer closet to watch and watch some of thee best television movies of the week from days gone by and GET OFF MY DRESS!

BITTERLY LITTERACY

a collective and highly emotional sigh was released over the weekend

around the world from Boise to Bangkok...Louisiana to London...Seattle to Sydney (you get the picture) as our country took a left turn off of destruction junction that we were forced to travel down these past 4 years and back onto decency avenue...

onlookers everywhere outnumbered the lobotomized light socket lickers...elect'n the 1st ever black indian women to the highest office in the land...completely demolish’n 200+ years of systematic oppression 

as their fearful mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik lie'n corrupt heartless bloated orange dusted anal warted senile sack of shit (i'm sooo glad i'll never have to type that out again) was seen wait'n in the wings of the port-a-potty as his camp-pain-in-the-ass mgr Giuliani gave his 1st unimportant temper tantrum rally demand’n a recount in the park'n lot of the Piggly Wiggly instead of aisle 4 at the Dollar Store as was originally planned...after his sex offend'n poll watcher said that he spotted fraud...only to leave midway thru his speech after receive'n his complimentary lifetime supply from the makers of clorox fer all of the free advertisement he so graciously bestowed upon them over the summer...

before bein stripped of his clearance codes & that Linus blanket he had staple gunned to his head and immediately rushed off to his personalized glamour shots session in a smart yet washable tangerine poly jumper then straight to the unemployment line...with the rest of his diabolical dipshits...

include'n that petulant over processed barn owl who was spotted reapply'n fer her old check out clerk position at her uncle's garden center in Black River Falls WI...but was denied apparently!

though don't fret kittens...i’m sure we'll learn all about the salaciously juicy deets on an all new season come'n this january!

i could go on...

BUTT...let's focus...shall we?

grow'n up in a very small minded but equally just as unimportant town...

i became an exceptionally pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe by learn'n the slings and arrows of an imperfect world thru the words of wisdom from the mouth of america's fav-o-rit top sell'n Sears catalog sweater model from 1968 to 1973...Mister Rogers...who taught me so much on how to mind yer manners...be kind to one another...while give'n me the knowledge to deal with things i simply would shutter at the thought of have'n to do on my very own

it was an afternoon staple...wake'n from my afternoon nap at my grama

Lorraine’s in the 70’s while roll'n her daily pack of american spirit cigarettes...that is until that horrendously salacious scandal of '79...when it went off the air fer a short period of time due to Alcoholics Anonymous alumni Lady Elaine gett'n caught poodle ball'n with MADAME behind King Friday's castle late one friday nite

since his death in 2003...children around the world have mourned the loss 

of knowledge readily read to them...as they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy by treat’n their bodies like amusement parks...

all while cope'n with life's struggles durin' these pandemic times!

luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there in ZOOM hell land that have 

 been tune'n in each week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 10 years...today is NOOOO exception...so kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local online library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years

1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been 

try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 years...by batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald

next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!

i learned this lesson way too late in life...and though you’ve read about this historical moment before...it’s worth repeat’n...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car and had been chatt'n to this not so  "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular nite...i decided to throw caution to the wind...

ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace soaker... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple... 

like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly!

by the time i had arrived roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour...he had

greeted me at the front door like a proper whore and invited me in....now i have an imagination trust me kittens...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the days always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN x10...i nearly died! cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...

45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask) i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final grizzly grunt...it was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open...

and trust me...there was no time to escape!

i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time

i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...

but i left there a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil grin here)

now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...

trust me...DON'T!

this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...

that don't wanna make a mess on yer grama's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time in a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and superintendent...at 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...

take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break

and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...

self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper drive...it's yer body...so you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!

there ya have it...hope that helped ya out some...now go spread my words

like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea... 

and GET OFF MY DRESS! 

EYE SORE NO MORE!

have you ever had that blissfully embarass'n moment with a hook up

where everything seems to be click'n like clock work...as Lil KIM's (feature'n SISCO...why not!) "HOW MANY LICKS" breaks the sound barrier on yer magnavox hi-fi shelf stereo system just as you get to that point of sheer explosive no return ecstasy...

where you can feel the bells of Saint Jim Beam...Saint Johnny Walker and Saint Jose Queervo that you made out with earlier bang'n on yer fuck'n ear drums...

wish'n you'd worn yer swimm'n goggles to bed only cuz yer "not so gentleman caller" tips his head back at a 45 degree angle popp'n his jaw open like a pez dispenser and lett'n out a boisterous whale like a wookie...

 as he blasts off like skyrockets at night...fill'n yer eyesockets with buckets full of his thick'n'creamy afternoon delight...well...suffice it to say...i will dispense with the visuals but happy with that lil pocket of emergency visine i had on me that blissful even'n (you can porn hub that on yer own kittens )

well...F-I-N-A-L-L-Y after 13 long as fuck arduous years...just like a burst

of oozy sulfuric baby batter bath'n the center of yer corneas...the KANKERSOREDASHIANS (well kittens...i don’t wanna jinx the elections results again...so i’m stay’n outta it) who have been nothing but an ongoing eyesore...have at long last run outta jizz!

though i unfortunately only had to suffer thru 2 episodes some years back

at my cuz's wedd'n in FL...it was 2 episodes too much...i decided i found drink'n drano shots and stick'n tooth picks between my toenails as a much more entertain'n solution fer myself personally

now don't get on yer huffy bike and contact yer city council members...

everyone is entitled to turn their brain cells into a bucket of petrified chicken wings of their choose'n and unfortunately they'll be around fer one more season before close'n up shop fer good and good fer them...the mother parlayed a fortune parade'n her kids into meal tickets fer far too long just to fill their cosmetic addictions all while dumb'n down most of the masses that sit on their asses...turn'n ordinary casserole crowds into lobotomized lumps of lunacy...

 and i fer one am thrilled to no longer run across another FB post or news worthless gabfest regard'n Kim's gelatinous filled phony ass staple gunned into some glittery saran wrapped dress at another body dysmorphia drive-thru ribbon cutt’n ceremony or one of Kylie's shitty make-up tutorials cuz i never kared to keep up with these kanker sores in the first place...that is all!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!