MISTAKE NUMBER 3

picture it kittens...it was 2013 the year of the snake if yer into that kinda 

voodoo ...hot as fuckitty fuck HENRY CAVILL was portray'n the new man who made my pants tight...i mean of steel and had everyone and their neurotic nana cream'n in their culottes at the theaters...

hot as political fuck...BARACK OBAMA becomes the 1st non white american to win rent free in the non black house fer the 2nd time in history...

corn whack'n homo hottie from iowa ELI LIEB released his acoustic rendition of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" and trust me...he could wreck my balls anytime (meeeouch)

and we hadda say good bye to that pierce'n blue eyed hotness PAUL WALKER who unfortunately sizzled like a pork chop slamm'n into a tree thanx to his friend who was drive'n like a bat outta hell

BUTT that ain't all that's hot...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell my personality to a reflection in the fountain before almost drown'n and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was years before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs in a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav BURT BACHARACH 

record that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon this particular day

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until a small but definitely a

distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn't too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin to purfucktion...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the damn decade then plus 3rd time is usually a charm ain't it? HA! does NO go with WAY?

seriously...all i could here buzz'n thru my brain at that particular moment 

was the eloquently soft and soulful sounds of the CULTURE CLUB hit "MISTAKE NUMBER 3" from december of 1984

though he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...there would be no fuzzy

spine tingle'n afternoon delight fer me on this particular shitty afternoon...however...fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had already bequeathed me 3 of his!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational pratices fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always randomly ask'n me where i stand in the boudoir fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle...that ship has sailed and sunk since the 90's

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DONKEY PUNCH

picture it kittens...it was 2015 the year of the goat if you follow that voodoo

Rey and Ren were slice'n up the theaters with the latest in Lucas's sci-fi soap opera...

homo's and hetero's shared in the misery of matrimony together fer the 1st time in history in all 50 states...

and we said good bye to everyone's fav-o-rit Klingon

BUTT that ain't all...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell pencils to a class of blind kids and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was a year before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs at a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav Burt Bacharach record

that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...

a small but definitely distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn’t too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the decade and 3rd times is usually a charm right? HA! does NO go with WAY?

he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...however there would be no 

afternoon delight fer me this particular afternoon and fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had bequeathed me 3!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational position fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always ask'n me fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle either...however that's a whole other episode 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BITTERLY LITTERACY

a collective and highly emotional sigh was released over the weekend

around the world from Boise to Bangkok...Louisiana to London...Seattle to Sydney (you get the picture) as our country took a left turn off of destruction junction that we were forced to travel down these past 4 years and back onto decency avenue...

onlookers everywhere outnumbered the lobotomized light socket lickers...elect'n the 1st ever black indian women to the highest office in the land...completely demolish’n 200+ years of systematic oppression 

as their fearful mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik lie'n corrupt heartless bloated orange dusted anal warted senile sack of shit (i'm sooo glad i'll never have to type that out again) was seen wait'n in the wings of the port-a-potty as his camp-pain-in-the-ass mgr Giuliani gave his 1st unimportant temper tantrum rally demand’n a recount in the park'n lot of the Piggly Wiggly instead of aisle 4 at the Dollar Store as was originally planned...after his sex offend'n poll watcher said that he spotted fraud...only to leave midway thru his speech after receive'n his complimentary lifetime supply from the makers of clorox fer all of the free advertisement he so graciously bestowed upon them over the summer...

before bein stripped of his clearance codes & that Linus blanket he had staple gunned to his head and immediately rushed off to his personalized glamour shots session in a smart yet washable tangerine poly jumper then straight to the unemployment line...with the rest of his diabolical dipshits...

include'n that petulant over processed barn owl who was spotted reapply'n fer her old check out clerk position at her uncle's garden center in Black River Falls WI...but was denied apparently!

though don't fret kittens...i’m sure we'll learn all about the salaciously juicy deets on an all new season come'n this january!

i could go on...

BUTT...let's focus...shall we?

grow'n up in a very small minded but equally just as unimportant town...

i became an exceptionally pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe by learn'n the slings and arrows of an imperfect world thru the words of wisdom from the mouth of america's fav-o-rit top sell'n Sears catalog sweater model from 1968 to 1973...Mister Rogers...who taught me so much on how to mind yer manners...be kind to one another...while give'n me the knowledge to deal with things i simply would shutter at the thought of have'n to do on my very own

it was an afternoon staple...wake'n from my afternoon nap at my grama

Lorraine’s in the 70’s while roll'n her daily pack of american spirit cigarettes...that is until that horrendously salacious scandal of '79...when it went off the air fer a short period of time due to Alcoholics Anonymous alumni Lady Elaine gett'n caught poodle ball'n with MADAME behind King Friday's castle late one friday nite

since his death in 2003...children around the world have mourned the loss 

of knowledge readily read to them...as they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy by treat’n their bodies like amusement parks...

all while cope'n with life's struggles durin' these pandemic times!

luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there in ZOOM hell land that have 

 been tune'n in each week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 10 years...today is NOOOO exception...so kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local online library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years

1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been 

try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 years...by batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald

next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!

i learned this lesson way too late in life...and though you’ve read about this historical moment before...it’s worth repeat’n...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car and had been chatt'n to this not so  "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular nite...i decided to throw caution to the wind...

ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace soaker... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple... 

like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly!

by the time i had arrived roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour...he had

greeted me at the front door like a proper whore and invited me in....now i have an imagination trust me kittens...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the days always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN x10...i nearly died! cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...

45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask) i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final grizzly grunt...it was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open...

and trust me...there was no time to escape!

i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time

i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...

but i left there a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil grin here)

now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...

trust me...DON'T!

this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...

that don't wanna make a mess on yer grama's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time in a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and superintendent...at 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...

take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break

and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...

self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper drive...it's yer body...so you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!

there ya have it...hope that helped ya out some...now go spread my words

like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea... 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!