STEEL CLAW

just close yer eyes fer a minute and picture it kittens...let's go back 30 yrs

to the year 1991 when our lead'n lady...agent Clarice Starling...was lead'n lezbitronix into a feverish frenzy everywhere become'n a fierce object of desire fer some freak into slurp'n up fava beans while chugg'n down a nice bottle of chianti...subsequently become'n the QUEEN of the silver screen by snatch'n the golden boy fer her gripp'n performance

ROSEANNE was the QUEEN of the tv dinners...annihilate'n the competition on the boob tube with her witty charm and her obvious Paris runaway looks

and the honda accord was thee QUEEN of the pavement as the most popular pick-up have'n the most spacious leg room in the trunk to hide that space cadet you just picked up on the corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction 

BUTT...the biggest of them all...

was when the music world was rocked and riveted from behind the scenes of the most talked about rockumentary in cinematic history...brought to you

by the letters M-A-D-O-N-N-A..."TRUTH OR DARE" documented the global domination of Miss Ciccone’s "BLONDE AMBITION TOUR" which turns 30 in may this year...a must see fer any true music lover of performance art

though before there was the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR that gave

us a glimpse into a rock stars world...there was another QUEEN who was once married to jazzy legend MILES DAVIS rock'n the gritty funk outta the 70's with hits like "I'LL TAKE THAT RIDE (LONE RANGER)" and "IF I'M LUCKY I MIGHT GET PICKED UP" BETTY DAVIS dared her audience with her brassy sassy bad-assy in yer face boldness become'n the 1st black woman to write perform and manage herself until bein banned and boycotted by the music industry before fade'n away into rock herstory "THEY SAY I'M DIFFERENT" is a fascinate'n glimpse into the most influential QUEEN OF FUNK that's ever lived and will never be replaced

as the 80's rolled around...the quintessential QUEENS OF POST PUNK 

POP made herstory as the 1st ALL FEMALE band (still to this day) that concocted...conceived and created their own melodies that they wanted fer the masses to dance off their asses to without some pipe-fitt'n cockroach blow'n smoke up their torn fishnets and day-glo earrings...simply titled "THE GO-GO'S" this documents the rise and eventual fall from one of the biggest hit makers of their era in their own words that have remained friends despite their differences...prove'n THE GO-GO'S still got the beat!

as a lil girl that grew up on the cotton fields of Nutbush Tennessee in 1939

18 year old ANNA MAE BULLOCK would go out one nite with her sisters on a whim in 1956 only to be discovered at a club in St Louis by singer/song writer/producer IKE TURNER before change'n her name and become'n the power house vocals behind IKE & TINA TURNER...rock'n and roll'n with the IKETTES around the world thru-out the 60's and the early 70's

release’n her debut album as a solo artist in 1974...TINA would 

get her giddy-up on by dipp'n her heels in the dirt with the release of her 1st country covers album cover’n everyone from DOLLY PARTON to KRIS KRISTOFFERSON to name a few on "TINA TURNS THE COUNTRY ON"

share'n the spotlight with many of her famous friends thru-out her musical journey like that time on "THE CHER SHOW" perform'n "SHAME SHAME SHAME" with the other live'n legend w/one name

followed up by starr'n as the ACID QUEEN in the satirical british rock opera "TOMMY" before decide'n she'd suffered enough abuse at the hands of her hubby and left Ike in 1976 with only the clothes on her back and her new identity in tack!

work'n mainly as a nostalgic act at small venues from coast to coast

fer the next 8 years TINA TURNER would finally prove herself a worthy solo act by break'n into the top 10 in 1983 with a cover of  AL GREEN's "LET'S STAY TOGETHER" and the 1970 hit by THE TEMPTATIONS "BALL OF CONFUSION" solidify'n TINA as the impenetrable QUEEN OF ROCK N ROLL

by 1984...Capitol Records gave the green light to TINA with just 2 weeks 

to complete her "PRIVATE DANCER" album which ended up bein' certified 5X platinum in the US (that means she sold a shit load of cassette's kittens) winn'n record of the year propell'n TINA to super stardom spawn’n 3 top 10 hits with "BETTER BE GOOD TO ME" and "PRIVATE DANCER" and her anthem "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT" become'n her 1st and only #1 single that turned me into a true TURNER burner fer life!

follow'n the success of her album...TINA would co-star in her next screen

epic picture opposite Mel Gibson in the post apocalyptic flick "MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME" as AUNTY ENTITY...turn'n out 2 killer hits "WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO"

and my personal fav only cuz of it's pure unsalted unapologetic edginess "ONE OF THE LIVING" 

even lend'n her powerful pipes in 1985 fer African relief along with many other musical stars on USA FOR AFRICA's "WE ARE THE WORLD"

TINA's resurgence would spawn multiple hits...sell'n out stadiums across

the globe prove'n she was just as bankable as ANY high profiled male act from Chattanooga to Chile...Boise to Bangkok...Anaheim to Amsterdam and everywhere in between up until her final farewell tour in 2008 that i was sooo glad i got to finally see live on a whim...8th row center in the Minne-Apple...at 69 her nearly mile high pins never stopped prance'n and dance'n fer almost 2 hrs...a feat that would’ve broken the backs of bitches half her age

among the many accomplishments thru-out TINA's illustrious career...

she would become the 1st black artist and 1st female to ever grace the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in 1967...snatch'n up 12 Grammy's and a plethora of many other accolades and awards thru-out her solo career 

in 1991...TINA was inducted into the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame w/her body

of work she did when she was w/Ike but is deservedly up fer it once again this year as a stronger much more successful solo artist and rightfully deserves the long overdue honor...click here to cast yer vote fer TINA!

by 1993 TINA would make a cameo in the biopic about her life based on

her biography she helped write with MTV's Kurt Loder "I, TINA: MY LIFE STORY" starr'n the vivaciously beautiful ANGELA BASSET in a stunn'n execution as TINA who would go on to win a golden globe fer her high energy performance...though TINA herself would admit later she was not pleased with the final cut of the film cuz of hollyweird’s dramatization of it all...

and by 2019 the lights lit up on Broadway fer the musical "TINA:THE TINA TURNER MUSICAL" open'n to rave reviews that unfortunately hadda shut down early due to covid

TINA's musical legacy is like no one else's in the biz...cross'n over from

R&B to Country and Soul to good ol' Rock-n-Roll...pave'n the way fer countless black female singers ever since cuz without TINA there would be no Beyoncé...TINA has survived and fought her way to freedom in a much male dominated industry...

and at 81 with roughly 60 years in the biz underneath her heels...TINA TURNER's destiny was written in the stars and is bow'n out gracefully from the spotlight fer a much deserved siesta to enjoy her twilight years with her husband in Switzerland but not before reflect'n on her amaze'nly distinguished career in her final hoorah to her fans with the documentary "TINA" that airs march 27th on HBO MAX and i fer one definitely cannot wait to watch this legendary act say good-bye!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DEJA DO!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that suedo sizzle'n anal wart hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refreshed air in her mundane 'burban life (like most usually do) once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to march down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics) turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was one fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window a few years back...after bein rudely awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty lil mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago "SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whine'n posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same test...so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their highly inspirational low self esteem group ASAP!

instead of own'n up to what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK.

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts and hunt fer some new nuts cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a "GAMBLER"

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "ELECTRIC YOUTH" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) then whisked myself away to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway as one

should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe after all...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...like a pimp at a political convention...it was as if we'd known each other fer years (well in FB years anyways) once he planted his bags in my back seat and planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock that was down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens then decided to pop his cherry with the Minne-Cherry that blew him away (figuratively of course) and eventually we would pop over to my place cuz his socks "allegedly" were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was incredibly open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport and minutes later we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way...

so just remember that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find 

a new one...which is about as original as a 10 year old boy try'na be "edgy" with eyeliner on his tiktok account fer the 10th time

now GET OFF MY DRESS!