SWEET TOOTH pt 2

last week on SWEET TOOTH...Baby Jane Hudson became uncontrollably

consolable into a fit of hysterics...oh wai'da'minute...that's not my story...

eh...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those bad but deliciously tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on...before move'n on

and now the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH...

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our tastebuds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags that had monetary value hidden inside...ummm H-E-L-L-O...SCORE!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car

and hatched a plan (totally ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies) as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of Miss Clairol to change our luscious locks to a completely different shade than we had previously had prior to our life of crime (see...this is where i personally believe Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm cappuccino dirty blonde (if yer inquire'n mind wants to know)

next up was to purchase our one way tickets to some foreign country

at the time i imagined myself in a spacious garden apartment in Ottumwa Iowa...i figered i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop on the weekends and talk about his time in the trenches at the 4077 M*A*S*H unit...hey...i just figered we laid low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was really in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all eventually meet up at some undisclosed ritzy rendezvous point...however...after we figered out there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked to Kenosha if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work in the morn'n...so he just opted to drop me off at home and went on his merry bandit way

Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia

so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs and by the time i finally had made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...and turns out...i had hit the mutha fuck'n payload with 2 full bags of quarters and devised a plan to cash them in (though that would have to wait til morn'n cuz i was beat)

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their fav-o-rit morn'n stomach fillers the follow'n sunrise... 

and turn'n on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program to keep the lil monkeys occupado while i tried to figer out the best way to cash in my new found loot

i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from

 Joan's cann'n collection...turns out i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim...so i packed them neatly in my pack back...

and Elmira Gulch'd my way off to the bank before they would close by noon...and too my surprise...i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name (that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old) since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the Winona Shopper

BUTT...move'n on

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth...so i called Big Lipps to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's & gen Z'ers will never appreciate the 1000's of click...click...click'n of cd's case on all those lazy afternoons of unsupervised entertainment like us gen X'ers relished in)

once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me

smack dab in the face at the simple low low cost of $7.50...how could i go wrong? this was like totally an omen...cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never had went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was obviously meant to be!

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home as my 

antsy sibs were gett'n ready to rumble cuz the saturday morn'n news was come'n to a close...so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to keep'em tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered...

and after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted fer "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" if i remember correctly

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new dark lavender Culture Club wallet contain'n my remainder of $355.50 in my back pocket where i kept it...so immediately and quite frantically...i ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets...however...unfortunately after 10 minutes or so of not find'n it anywhere...i figered i probably had dropped it at my house...so i huffyed my plump and oh so supple A double snakes home as fast as a hornet in heat...flipp'n my entire bedroom apart...

i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly it felt like that time when the princess was trapped in H-E-double hockey stix try'na escape the death star...with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store to

ask the 2 town rental whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet...to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

wai'da'minute! i know i never said what kinda wallet it was that i lost!

the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro VHS ho's...who weren't play'n around...so not ONLY did i forgo the video rental fer my sibs that afternoon...i also didn't get to marinate in my new found wealth any longer...A-N-D worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDAR HOLY GRAIL!!!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me cuz these obviously

 devious dickless swatch watch'n maxi padders were the purest of evil in their acid wash girbaud jeans burst'n at the seams (that they most likely needed the jaws of life to put em on) and their not so lil piggies choke'n to death in their jelli slip-on's from Pamida who had single handily and subconsciously outsmarted me at my own game

WOW! this was not the way my mentos moment was suppose to end!

moral of this story is...karma was more than just a chameleon from the 

80's and that twinkies are not the chemically treated delicacy that we were all lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can still possibly be 

charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream that i fergot to not remember...ever happened!

pps...in case you didn't forgo that over priced mocha choka pumpkin 

spiced frappe with all those chemically enhanced sprinkles last week like i had asked or perhaps yer feel'n just a wee bit more generous and don't wanna burn in the firey pits of whatever delusional afterlife story you believe in then why not donate to a worthy cause!

SWEET TOOTH pt 1

close yer eyes and picture it kittens...the time...let's just go with the 16th

century...why not!...scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox...with his band of merry men...who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of the russian ballet...who stole from the rich and gave to the poor

awwwwwwwwwww!

now let's hop in our delorean...and fast forward to 3 centuries later

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course...cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year...which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" (even if the song was fer a good cause) plus...i just felt LaToya was really just lyp-sync'n thee entire damn time

BUTT...F-O-C-U-S....

anywho'zll'ding....let's get back to the story shall we?

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r...(even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of  '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola (but totally cool) lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think) winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew off like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer...which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride (though i knew he wanted me there like yesterday) so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and flew thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta H-E-double hockey stix…

which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fuck’n fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola 

smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip of fish fly fecal matter and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends (i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)

by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's (i mean Xavier's) driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post) rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer 

the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck were locked....so Xavier (always bein' a bit of a snoopy snoop that he was) found out the renter had fergotten to lock the back doors of his truck and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come

once Xavier had totally assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight

we found somethin' so much more delightful than what we had thought we would EVER stumble upon...

tune in next week fer the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if yer an animal lover like me...then skip that over priced mocha choka pumpkin spiced frappe 

with all those chemically enhanced sprinkles this week and do somethin' good fer yer conscious by donate'n to a worthy cause!

TIME IN A BOTTLE

imagine fer a moment kittens...that you picked the winn'n lottery numbers

in exact order from left to right (include'n the bonus ball) and yer biggest...most frivolous purchase was to the keys that belonged inside Marty McFly's fancy schmancy plutonium fueled wheels...whisk'n yerself away in but a mere blink of an eye to some exotic...erotic mini vaca to escape all the trials and tribulations... 

from all the current tirades and tantrums that's bein served up by these 19 insurrectional anal drippage contestants at the Miss Corrupt Constitutionalists 2023 competition plus the current covid creep'n back up that'll be consume'n yer christmas treason this season i guess

BUTT enough of that!

would you choose the post modern prehistorical era of the FLINSTONES

 just to be the belle of the ball to show off that beautiful new pearl necklace that you got as a down payment fer all yer future affection from yer bestie...after he gave you that pent up pearl necklace along with some crotch crickets from the nite before?

perhaps a cozy nite kick'n up yer heels with Knights of the Round Table

is more to yer speed...where you could swap yer cattle fer a couple of cocktails at the local Hurry Back Inn

if i hadda pick an era honestly though...i'd really wanna go back to the jolly

jubilant days of the 1950's...just to be best friends with Miss Kitty's beauty mark...to be her "private secretary" in the back room at her saloon and to find out if that really was a gun in Marshall Dillon's pocket or if he was just happy to see me

where tv intoxication was just as commonly accepted as a priest on a playground!

of course though...if you really wanted to experience the full effect of the

1950's and how it affected the people of the golden era of capitalism...all you'd have to do is pop into any of the local beauty parlors or soda shops and talk amongst the common folk to find out about all the real trials and tribulations that they had to endure...

the follow'n comments are actual conversations from concerned citizens and studious shoppers that i've personally tracked down from nearly 70 years ago...

Mary Beth Brown told Veronica VanWinkle as she was gett'n a snatched

back bitch'n bouffant "oh Veron...i'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more...ever since they let Clark Gable get by with say'n "DAMN" in "GONE WITH THE WIND" it seems every new movie has either "DAMN" or "HELL" in it" Veronica snapped back "well MaryBeth...did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter? and i can't get over how i can't afford to be sick anymore...$35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood"

(anyone order a back alley abortion?...that's all i'm say'n)

down the street at FERRY's barber shop...you can here Abel tell'n his 

fav-o-rit "bowl'n buddie" Arnie "can you believe it Arnie...when i first started driving...who would have thought that someday gas would cost 29 cents a gallon...guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage...and i tell you something else...if cigarettes keep going up in price...i'm going to quit...a quarter a pack is ridiculous" 

(so much fer bump'n shoulders with the elite while you eat and sipp'n on those low balls while he grabs yers at yer fav-o-rit nite spot)

across town...Marcella Tingle tells the friendly bagger at the Piggly Wiggly

that she's been want'n to personally bag herself...as little Suzie stares aimlessly into his oddly shaped padded ass "i tell you one thing Archie...if prices keep going the way they are...it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks worth of groceries for $20 anymore”

(FUCK...there goes yer elegantly coutured wardrobe stash cash you been swipe'n from his weekly paychecks ladies)

think'n of gett'n away with the family fer the weekend after a rough week

at the office? well...why not take a lil advice from Vernon and Connie Miller first as Connie confesses "there's no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend...it costs nearly $15 for a hotel" as Vernon adds his 2 cents worth "thank goodness i won't live to see the day that the government will take half our income in taxes...i sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress"

(make sure he filled out the premium life insurance before you take that off the road...road trip)

just take'n a leisurely walk down main street...i overheard the Erpelding 

brothers...Ernie and Arnold...shoot'n the shit with ol' Bernie Wattembach...who was discuss'n the cost of hire'n help at his biz "geez...if they raise the minimum wage to $1...no one will be able to hire outside help at the store" then Ernie jumped in spill'n about somethin' absolutely insane "i read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century...they even have some feller's they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas" as Arnold chimed in "if they think i'll pay 50 cents for a haircut...forget it!"

(might as well kiss all those Betty Page private show'ns goodbye)

there ya have it kittens....unfortunately times were just as hard 70's years

ago as they are today...well...minus the pandemic part 2 headed our way apparently and the mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE twice and 4 times INDICTED (so far) corrupt lie'n cheat'n deranged sociopathetik orange dusted anal warted sack of shit stained venereal pustule pissbubble...

soon to be paint by number 'n yer license plates! (hopefully)

we all will eventually age like a wretched wine regardless of what decade 

we attach ourselves to...who knows what the future generations will uncover about what we were bitch'n about these days...so buckle up and get with the program or just GET OFF MY DRESS!

OH WAIT...before you get back to yer obviously miserable mundane life

i mean some of you have been read'n about my deliriously delightful yet inappropriately delusional thoughts week after week fer the past 13 years now (you only have yerself to blame fer that after all so don't try pinn'n it on me kitten) well it's my 53rd bday this week (YES I SAID IT) so i'm cash'n in all my favor chips...instead of send'n me canned goods or free STD coupons in the mail this year...why don'tcha entertain a more mature yet absofuckinglutely fantabuless crow (like myself) by click'n and vote'n fer me in this silly lil online contest here that i came across (since no one's come across me in months!)

 just so's i can gets me a free horror shootie toot toot by some DAVID LACHAPELLEish pamida worthy happy snapper and $13g's to stick in my gofuckyerself refund fund! DON'T ASK...JUST DO IT! 

vote'n starts sept 5th...whore me out if you must to ALL yer family and friends...parishners and prisoners...grannies and trannies...clergy and congressmen/women if you feel inclined to do so...of course we mustn't ferget about all those "special" GOP'er's and STD'er's in yer life as well (consider this yer most charitable act of the century) now you may GET OFF MY DRESS!