TIME TO MAKE TO DOE...NUTS!

we've all had those utter mundane jobs at some point in our life...up to 

and include'n those that begin with blow...that you know goin into it is gonna work yer last nerve...nonetheless...outta sheer laziness...yer always hope'n fer the best in the end

even though...9 times outta 10...you know yer just gonna end up punch'n into Charlie's chocolate factory (call it intuition if you must)

i believe it was one Mr. Johnny Paycheck who sang the anthem fer all

those 9 to 5'ers out there that wished they were doin somethin' else with their professional life financially (like whale gutt'n in the arctic perhaps) with his 1977 hit 

"TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT"

live'n the luxurious lifestyle of an unintentionally internationally unknown

perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...ain't all what it's cracked up to be...it is...as one might say (that one bein' ME of course) albeit an extremely far far F-A-R stretch...though very akin in the same manner to the immortal words once muttered by everyone's fav-o-rit country chanteuse herself...

Mrs. Parton...many moons ago..."it's costs a lot of money...to look this cheap!" however...though i'm back on the hunt fer another position to fulfill my destiny and my piggy bank...

i DO NOT plan on suffer'n the same fate that i have in the past with past positions (whether it's behind a desk or behind a behind) so lemme go back in time

when i started this bumble'n blog of whimsical words of witty non sense

over 13 years ago...i was work'n in the fraud department of some downtown financial industry that would simply become to be known as Twin City Fuckers to me! (which has since been bought out by another financial institution)

some could contemplate as to why i would suffer such indignity fer 10

long and arduous years that i suffered at the hands of said company...cuz to be quiet honest...a monkey really could've done my job if it was trained properly...i guess the only real answer i could come up with was that i had unfortunately give'n myself one too many home lobotomy perms in the 90's...though i would attribute it mostly to the fact that i enjoyed the comradery i had with MOST of my co-workers...i said MOST!

BUTT...lemme back it up to the beginn'n

i was eventually picked outta the rejected cattle call of applicants and would become the newest fraud analyst to join the team and fer the most 

part...i caught on pretty quickly to the position...my 1st boss (name withheld due to the fact that she's not worth mention'n) well...except to mention the H-E-double hockey stix she would desperately try to put me thru over the years to get me to quit or she would desperately try to write me up so she could eventually fire me...nevertheless i was always one step ahead of that crusty and callus colostomy bag

i've learned over the years that you don't have to like everyone you work 

with...include'n yer boss...you learn to just suck it up when yer not yer own boss...co-exist with yer co-workers and get the work done if you want to eat 3 square meals a day...have a roof over yer head (in order to get head someplace outside of the back of their bronco) and buy some pretty things

after many months of learn'n all the nooks and crannies of my position...

i had FINALLY became a contestant as one of the company's popular ass kissers...referred to as employee of the month and was beyond excited since my average haul was roughly between $25g's to $50g's in fraud coins i got back fer the company...i assumed that the powers that be would be highly impressed and i would bequeath a handsome reward fit fer a queen of my stature...so i was ready to press my luck!

OMG...OMG...OMG...what did i win?...what did I WIN?...WHAT DID I WIN?

a new car?

an all inclusive weekend vacation at the charming Cabrini-Green estates in Chicago, IL?

M-O-N-E-Y?

oh no...unfortunately all those home lobotomy perms affected my thought

 process...cuz after the corporate gimp finished feed'n from the daily donut trough...she would spend 2 minutes pick'n from the company's list of pre-approved speeches...print it off

then corralled the cubicle cattle around in a circle with her donut bell...to recite said speech to the ass kisser of the month
(which...how lucky was i?)

and proceeded to present me with a printed out version of her speech and my very much anticipated reward

WAIT!! WHAAA?? an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n 

illusionist of my own universe actually won a FUCK'N $2 coupon off popcorn on the skyway level?

i thought at any minute...Ashton Kutcher was gonna pop outta the stock 

room and mutter that annoy'n phrase of his...unfortunately...there would be no hidden camera man jump'n out from behind the copy machine to get my reaction or any visit from Ashton

i would have to endure this utter humiliation fer the next 6 months in a

row cuz i was THAT good (i got the bedpost notches to prove it kittens) this was the ACTUAL proof that i still held onto as a reminder to NEVER work fer another shitty and cheap ass company again as long as i breath (cuz believe me...the pay...along with my first boss...were way below my standard of life)

odd thing about this phony fiasco was that a select few of my co-workers

 were a bit cranky in their neatly pressed culottes cuz i kept winn'n month after month...until one co-worker finally beat my winn'n streak...unfortunately...i would once again win the follow'n month after and by then had decided to give away my oscar meyer wiener winn'ns to those less unworthy...i mean unfortunates and "cash" in my asinine awards fer the whole department

turns out though that by the time i went to cash in all of my $16 worth of rewards...the fuck'n biz would no longer be accept'n my worthless winn'ns cuz...ummm...they went out of biz!

well...needless to say...this DID NOT go over very well when one particular

CASPER crusade'n co-worker heard of this atrocity!

a year would go by before i was "nominated" by my peers as the latest

 ass kisser...i mean...employee of the month once again (since they changed the rules) though to be honest...i received said nomination only cuz i was the last one they never voted fer in my department (jealousy is not a pretty color on the cankle crowd ...no matter what the season may be) only this time...there would be no popcorn consolation coupon to collect and no longer was this charade parade left to just our immediate department...cuz now they had decided to make a mockery of you by make'n it a multiple company department fiasco where you hadda walk down the plank of yer peers like you were accept'n some sorta fuck'n golden globe (ummm...even if it were made of imitation gold that would'a been a much needed improvement)

no...instead...after the corporate gimp gave you accolades and praise fer yer obvious hard work done (and we ALL did collectively on a daily basis mind you) you were gifted a bag of cray paper and inside the cray paper

some halloween candy they obviously stole from their kids bucket from the previous year...

a juice box...AAAAAND (hold on to yer herniated disks)

a pop tart...NOT multiple tarts mind you to pop...ONLY THE ONE SET!

GET THE FUCK OUT! one might say to one self...and trust me...i could 

barely contain my shock and awe when i first experienced a co-worker's humiliate'n perp walk down the aisle to accept their "award" cuz when it was my turn to accept mine on said day...i made damn sure to call in sick with a hideous case of chernobyl mononucleosis cuz i was absolutely not gonna partake in zero part of this sham scam! 

though i would unfortunately have to collect my prize the follow'n day that was sitt'n quietly in my cubicle...neatly gifted in a non recyclable bag that has been sitt'n forlornly in the back of my closet all these years until i photographed it as exhibit B fer this blog...before donate'n it to the waste management system outside my shitbox

i would last another 3 more years cuz i have always been loyal regardless

 of the company practices...before finally call'n it quits cuz they thankfully moved to the burbs...and i'm not sorry in the slightest cuz that just ain't in my vocab...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BEAT ME...BITE ME!

picture it kittens...it was the year 1997 and hot-as-fuck tv daddy and star

of the tv screen's hottest homo erectus prison series "OZ" CHRIS KELLER who was portrayed by none other than hot-as-fuck actor daddy CHRISTOPHER MELONI appeared in 5 outta the 6 sinsationally sexualized seasons that had every throat plunge'n tulip sniffer from Green Bay to Guam cumm'n in their culottes desperately try'na get sent to the clink by perform'n the pettiest of crimes just fer a chance to be a soap on a rope fer their very own personal Keller adjacent cock-a-doodle-do-me... 

which totally gave me a completely false interpretation of life behind bars by 2004 when it was my turn (i might add)

while over on the silver screen...the teenrager thriller starr'n hot-to-trot

beddably edibley dirty bird blonde bad ass RYAN PHILLIPPE was heat'n up the box office with a serial killer on the loose wear'n some tacky trench coat in "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" (where most of the prepubescent "friends of BRITNEY" the follow'n summer were make'n tube sauce in their tube socks by freeze frame'n RYAN's shower scene in hopes of a glimpse at his throttle'n throat plunger they may have missed in the theater when they received a dvd copy at christmas)

a beautifully doe-eyed but whiney aussie songbird and massengill model

who began her career on the popular aussie soap opera "NEIGHBORS" until she hit #1 on the UK charts with her debut break-up single "TORN" released in novem and sung by that hoodie hottie NATALIE IMBRUGLIA which was actually a cover that was written...recorded and released by alternative rock band outta L.A. EDNASWAP in march of the same year…however…it  went nowhere except to their granny Aiken's hope chest (in hopes they could afford a double D chest fer her someday)

and i was leave'n a cesspool of piranha's at a popular downtown homo 

non AA water'n hole after gett'n a lil tuned up with an a-hole co-pilot i was chummy with at the time on our way to an even bigger water'n hole with a much bigger cess pole of piranha's...i could barely stand alone let alone stand him at the moment however i was not gonna throw my crutch away or i'da most likely been a puddle on the pavement that hot summer nite

as we made it 2 blocks without topple'n over each other i noticed a gaggle 

of blurry figurines (3 to be almost exact...though the state i was in at the moment it could'a been the tabernacle choir fer all i know) anywho'zill'ding...as they began move'n closer to us...i had a momentary lapse of my surround'ns and once we made it to the bus stop on the next block the dickslinger wait'n fer a cab asked me politely if i was gonna pick up my hat up off the sidewalk...

to which i replied "erm iz on mah head mista maaaan" (a slight pause then i continued with my come hither inebriated eyes) "hey thar sasquatch...fergit dah caaab...i'll give you dah ride of yer life" clearly annoyed...he shot back with "NO dude...it fell off when that guy punched you in the face!"

WAIT!!...WHAAA?? 

apparently the guy wait'n fer the cab filled me in when i regained my very

altered cognitive senses one by one and informed me that when me and my AA-hole were approached fer a spare cancer stick that my co-drunk was most likely puff'n on...i guess i had decided to chime in and incoherently murmured "i can find somethin' dirtier than an ass of a cigarette to stick in my mouth" to which one of them did not appreciate my forwardness (i guess) and cold cocked my right eye (and yes i mean without his throat plunger kittens) as my muscle bound co-pilot decided to skip to his lou instead of engage'n in fend'n them off my tender slender inebriated frame

 nonetheless...i apparently had enough spirits swimm'n around inside my veins that i did not budge an inch so they high tailed it off like a bunch of scared mormons completely unaware that they had accidentally booked an air B&B durin' FOLSOM STREET FAIR DAYS in San Fran

by morn'n i was feel'n like hammered shit look'n like FARRAH FAWCETT

on the set of that (oh shoot...what's the name of that uplift'n family friendly drama again?) oh duh...that's right "THE BURNING BED" with a shiner on my left eye as puffy and purple as an enormous eggplant and swore at that moment on that i would never be outnumbered by hooligans or let anyone lay another hand on me ever again (without consent of course) so i hired me a trainer and started a weekly work out regime...

that would transform me from a tulip sniff'n twinkle toes to a manwich meal on a mission!

BUTT...eventually

over 25 years later the abuse would rear it's ugly head once again...in all

places HUGO, MN at my neice's wedd'n just a few weeks back...i assumed i was there fer a glorious event like everyone else after i had spent many unplanned hours sett'n up the practically 10,000 twinkle lights (or at least it seemed like it anyways) and all seemed to be goin like clockwork with the attendee's have'n a merry ol' time...gett'n tuned up while i tuned out the negativity that seemed to follow me all around that even'n

by the time the clock struck midnite i had decided it was time fer me to

pack up my puss and bow out once my buzz had wore off and as i headed back to my car to head home fer the even'n with the windows down to soak up the cool nite breeze...my 6th sense was suddenly tell'n me that i possibly was bein followed fer some strange and unknown reason

roughly 10 miles into my journey i had to pull over to get the coordinates

recalibrated to my destination since my GPS decided to fuck with me after gett'n outta range apparently...when all of a sudden i noticed a blind'n light in my read view mirror (i was have'n some sorta KAREN SILKWOOD moment i swear to CHER!) and after they had passed i opened the door to water the fallen foliage beneath my yellow docs when all of a sudden BAM! outta no where i was jumped from behind by these fuck'n punks that were hide'n in the woods

i put up a good fight fer a minute however i was eventually outnumbered

so i quickly hopped back in my car and sped the fuck outta there as fast as i could in the pale moonlight...swerve'n in and outta the curves and corners thru miles of traffic before they had a chance to catch up to me...

while PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI's 4.5 octave range on "YOU BETTER RUN" was blow'n out my annoyingly cheap factory speakers

once i pulled into my niece's driveway...i took a breather behind the wheel 

fer a minute and collected my thoughts (after respond'n to a couple horny toads online that had messaged me in the immediate area) before exit'n my vehicle and as i made my way to the trailer door...outta the blue i was once again jumped from behind (and not in the good way i might add!) i was in complete awe...how in the fiddler's fuck where they able to catch up to me so quickly?

despite that...i guess these cowards obviously over estimated their total

strength in numbers cuz when they jumped me from all sides in the still of the nite...i still was able to handle 'em the best i could and kept on swing'n with all my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe might until i had laid 3 of those mutha fuckers flat out on the ground before i quickly scampered off inside slamm'n the door behind me as the rest of those assholes decided to give up and buzz off! 

all i can say is they're just lucky as fuck that i had no marks on my mug...guess you weren't expect'n some future neurotic colostomy bag with a massive case of turrets swing'n like some AARP ninja...did'ja? i might'a felt defeated at times but quite frankly...i'm just too damn old to put up with this shit anymore! 

i ain't gonna lie...i was gett'n tired of try'na fend them all off when all i really

wanted to do when i got back to my niece's trailer was to kick back with some lightly salted Orville and my fav-o-rit marathon series from the 70's to eventually drift off to (but) despite that...i made sure those belligerent basturds got what was come'n to 'em...they might'a started this...nonetheless i sure as shit on shingle was gonna finish it...KAPEESH!

UGH!!! i cannot stand all those damn blood suckers at this time of year... 

 mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friends and deserve to be totally eradicated from the face of the earth via the death penalty...

whether it be by high voltage electrocution...

highly murderous and toxic sprays...

 or just with a good ol' fashion unsuspect'n smack to their back side...P-E-R-I-O-D!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!