thee onvelope please...

wow...it only seems like yesterday that we held the 2nd annual FUCKTARD AWARDS...but with most television programm'n gett'n ready to go into rerun season...i figered it was only fitt'n to hand out one more earned award to tide you over til the TONY's this june

i decided since i didn't have time to contact any designers fer a fabulous frock to showcase on the red carpet this even'n...or be bothered to either

that i would just report the show live from my couch...kick'n back paint'n my nails and hooves in a stunn'n muu-muu worn by the late Mrs. Roper

welcome once again to the 3rd annual FUCKTARD AWARDS

tonite's telecast is sponsored by "DAMN TIGHT JEANS"

DAMN TIGHT JEANS are so tight...they feel like a home hystorectomy kit!

and by the maker's of  the all new and improved "HAMMOND 2000"

recommended by 2 out of 1000 carpal tunnel suffers...and 100 out of 100 post masters would agree!...you'll never have to worry about bein' shut off again!

(can we get the lights down pleez?) thanx...and tonite's nominee's are...

why look...it's nightly talk show doosh rag fer the right wingers...Bill O"Reilly

for his mixed messages...by agree'n with his C-U-Next-Time guest
Gretchen Carlson....say'n that "GLEE is a good show with lots of talent and positive messages"...but that the creator is basically turn'n his adolescent viewers into his own personal love slaves

and to think i once thought you had some sense left in you Billy

New Mexico republic*nt...Heather Wilson...runn'n for U.S. Senate

fer "come'n out" against SNL funny man and our beloved MN Senator Al Franken's anti-LGBT bullying legislation...SB 555 bill known as the "Student Non-Discrimination Act"...

this thin-lipped-twat-lick look'n bee-otch was on record claiming it would "criminalize teasing and punish children"...

cuz what...this is always fun to read while sipp'n on yer kahlua and coffee?

too bad she don't know how to...ummm READ!...her interpretation is about

as accurate as Newt Gingrinch's definition of marriage

and last...the "ONE MILLION MOMS" organization...who can't count...

i guess...cuz they only have 42,644 FaceBook Likes...and no doubt just added 6 0's too make them feel really relevant to the world...are try'n to be the needle to sew the fabric of society back together again what it once was

ummm...lemme break it down fer ya...it's pretty much just a bunch of pissy has-been cheerleaders...who lost their looks along with their libido...turned into soccer moms from hell who took over the PTA...so they don't have to deal with the fact that their husbands are boink'n the babysitters

these uptight C-U-Next-Timers think they're march'n in the morality parade of biblical proportions...but in reality...

they have no desire to satisfy their spousals needs when they'd rather much spend all day back stabb'n each other...and slapp'n on more war paint try'n to look like a perform'n illusionist...but end up look'n more like a bunch of alcoholic drag queens

among their many bitch session boycott failures was the Ben and Jerry's

"Schweddy Balls" scandal of 2011...i ask you...what red blooded american homo or hetero...DOESN'T enjoy a gigantic mouthful of creamy maltness?

and then there was that incredibly awful tragedy of ELLENGATE at a popular middle class retail outlet...that happened just a few months ago

now these finger point'n clitorectomies are at a crucial war once again...at  "THE BATTLE OF URBAN OUTFITTERS"

and the hiroshima sneak attack by the PENNY once again

as they despicably display...what appears to be 2 love'n lezzie's with their daughter...in their mother's day ad...with the caption "you'll often find Wendi, her partner, Maggie, and daughters elbow deep in paint, clay or mosaics."

no one speaks of mosaics is such a more filthy manner as these agressive
lezbitronic's do...it's absolutely unconscionable and down right grotesque!

someone call a priest...let our heavenly father cast out the demons that live within yer tarnished soul...rebuke yer sins JCP...pleeeez!

kittens...pleez!...stay calm...single file now....THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!
i hope you remember yer duck and cover procedures from yer handbook

hurry now pleez! (oh dear lord why won't someone think of the children?)

ok...whew!...this is gonna be a tough one...thee onvelope pleez...

and the winner is...(oh this is soo hard...i hate to see a loser loose)

WAIT!....oh my CHER!...the first time EVER in the FUCKTARD AWARDS history (my fav-o-rit guilty pleasure i've had the pleasure to indulge in)...
it's a 3 WAY TIE!

WOW!...well who'da ever thunk'd it?...but since i'm the host...i get it...it's like a very predictable prediction that i predicted...3rd annual...3 contenders...3 winners! (3 is my lucky number after all)

well kittens...i gotta go...there's someone...ummm... knock'n on my back door...thanx fer come'n...C U NEXT TIME...now get off my dress!

DELA WHERE?...the F are we?

everyone has dreams...or hopefully has at least one....about thing (or things) they would like to accomplish before their ticker stops tick'n...known as...

made famous by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman with the same name
(which never made my list...but i plan on see'n it sometime in the near future)


it usually consists of things like...either attainable...affordable and sometimes asinine stuff...but none the less...are yer very own accomplishments you want credit for doin'...before you kick the almighty can


recently...i received and accepted an invitation to fulfill an unknown wish from my BUCKET LIST...with 3 of my dear friends from my yester years...which...though i've never considered consider'n them as a "to do" list...i'm glad they considered...
my consider'n...have'n them being consired...KAPEESH?


so as i was say'n...i was forced by these 3...95% non homosexual perpetrators 
(don't quote me on that...just give'n you an average over all % assumption here)

Greta...Kira...and Karen...at vaginal gunpoint...to take a road trip with them to memorialize an even older friend…Sean Lee...who suddenly "kicked the can" unexpectantly...to the wondrous state of Delaware

turns out it was just Nebraska (but really…what’s the diff?)

i'm so glad to see those Nebraskians are look'n out fer my ass though!

as much as i love a good road trip...i’m just not good at not being good when a road trip reaches past the 2 hour limit i’ve limited myself to...and cuz i am still without child...i didn't wanna spend the next 7 hours feel'n like i was sitt'n at my cubicle with the desperado's of burbanville...so eventually my
 “dirty gurl” kicked into overdrive on the long drive maybe a bit much at times…(purely as a survival tactic of course kittens)

but i would eventually come off  my potty mouth once i got outta the automotive cage and was extremely grateful i got to see the old gang again...even if it was for a bitter sweet reunion

i was reintroduced to these fellers from back in the day...Mark and Alan...

nice guys...but i didn't press the nice guy reintroduction button in my brain....so i couldn't be bothered to remember my manners...
(don't worry...i wasn't shredd'n them apart or anything)...

but in the situation i was in...they might as well have been Meeshka the falafel vendor...and i just wasn't in the mood to try anything new at the time

UNTIL that is...the whole gaggle of us were sitt'n around in our very ill conceived conceptual bedroom at the shoe hotel from hell...(sorry...gotta get off the train track i was steam'n ahead on...fer a minute...and explain why we were stay'n at an ill conceived conceptual  bedroom at the shoe hotel from hell)

there was this cluster of old shoes and shoe stretchers adorn'n the wall as you climbed this "not so grand staircase" staircase...and as one would assume in this situation...a back story was needed as to why they were there..and though not sure who started the back story...but apparently...

some shoe make'n ferry would come in the middle of the nite to kill you and steal yer shoes cuz he or she was too damn tired to fix em (hey keep in mind...alcohol and possibly some illegal narcotics may or may have not been involved in this back story)

so let's get back on track...Mrs. "Who Cares...I OWN A STORE" Werner

came up with this concept and was christened by Mark...simply entitled...
"THE F*CK IT LIST"

now don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day...

oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n that...it's stuff yer just NOT gonna f*ck'n do before you die! it ended up being alotta fun...and Mark and Alan were now worthy of my attention (ummm insert laugh here...i'm not being conceited...just convinced...again...HA!)

i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...pervie!)
so without further ado... here is my top 10  F*CK IT! LIST :

10. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER!...so don't ask me!

9. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...

    as long as there are sea creatures in them

8. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a plane...

    with or without a parachute...not on my life!

7. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...

    i don't ever wanna be fish food...EVER!

6. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons

    Why Pete?...i love you...but it looks like you shoved 2 chipmunks in yer
    cheekbones and yer lips were stung by an army of africanized killer bees

5. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna get a pet snake....

    WAIT...let me clarify that one!

4. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna fake-n-bake my body...

    just to look like a baboon's ass...it's just not happen'n!

3. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna meet Marilyn Monroe...

    no matter how many ouiga boards i try and contact her on!

2. F*CK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...

    i'm sure this guy wishes he had a V-8 instead that morn'n
  
and the numbero uno F*CK IT!...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna eat sushi...EEEEW!...

      it's just sooo unnatural and creepy...to me! (this does not mean i don't
      love the QUEEN any less)

there you have it kittens...this concludes my F*CK IT! list...fer now...make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and F*CK IT!...get of my dress!

history has turned a page...uh huh!

there are many important "firsts" that we've read about in history class that will make you stop and think WOW...i wish i'da been there...but you weren't!

when we celebrate the unfactful discovery every 2nd monday of october

that Columbus supposedly was the first one on American soil in 1492

when George Washington became the first president of the US in 1789

only by default cuz the indians arrows were no match fer his gunpowder...
and as an added bonus...for his years of service...would be immortalized on the dollar bill...only to be stuffed into strippers fer the rest of eternity

brothers Charles and Frank Duryea...for invent'n the first gas powered car

in 1893...without consult'n their crystal ball first unfortunately...cuz if they had...they'da realized how their invention would contribute to a greedy war...insane gas prices and global warming...almost 120 years later

but in this century...at this very moment in time...you are an eye witness (whether you like it or not) to the highest grossing solo artist of all time...the most record sales of all time...the most downloaded singles of all time...the most #1 singles on a dance chart of all time...the most top 10 hits on the hot 100 list of all time...the most watched artist at the superbowl of all time...
and the most concert tickets ever sold by any artist...of all time...in history!

the KING of Rock has been knocked out...

the KING of POP has been kicked to the curb...

those british bugs have been stomped on...

and is only 1 album behind the most #1 albums by a female artist in history

all by a midwestern gal with a dream...who would become...THE QUEEN!

MADONNA's catalogue of hits spans over 4 decades in the business

with the release of her latest...and 13th studio album entitled MDNA

MADONNA has no plans of slow'n down anytime soon by the look of things

i've followed her rise since '84...and will follow her until she's like...84

MADONNA has created and carved her image into a live'n icon known by all

MADONNA is one of the very few artists that have been able to substain a career that has endured 30 years and stay on top without bein' swallowed by their fame or their fortune...like so many others artists unfortunately have

MADONNA has influenced and inspired numerous record'n artists and has never compromised her artistic integrity due to those who have critisized her

for not act'n her age and goin' against the establishments of society norm
MADONNA's superbowl performance was seen by 114 million viewers

the most views in the history of halftime shows ever at the superbowl game

MADONNA's "masterpiece" won her a 2nd golden globe fer the best song

in a movie...which she directed called "W.E."...about a passionate scandal

MADONNA has surpassed Elvis...Michael Jackson and the Beatles among many other great artists...with THEE most top 10 hits in billboard's history

and with only 2 songs released off her latest album that made it into the top 10 history books...there's many more amaze'n hits to be had off this album

MADONNA's 42nd dance hit to reach #1 on the charts is "Girl Gone Wild"

MADONNA has joined the ranks of many celebrity scents with the release of

her own fragrance...named after her smash documentary...TRUTH or DARE
with a clothing and shoe line under the same name...due out later this fall

MADONNA has the highest grossing tour ever for a solo artist in history...

and made history by sell'n more than 300 million records thru-out the world

MADONNA knows how to knock out the competion with just a 1...2 punch

her single "Hung Up" is in the Guinness Books for hitt'n #1 on the charts
in 41 countries...and her album M.D.N.A is #1 on iTunes in 40 countries

MADONNA's MDNA tour will officially kick off on may 29th in Tel Aviv

with 2 stops in St Paul, MN...Nov 3rd and 4th for the 1st time in 25 years
and will continue tour'n the globe until December 19...in Santiago, Chile

MADONNA is one of the hardest work'n women in show business today

who's managed to stay relevant by reinvent'n herself time and time again

MADONNA is a single mother of 4...a singer...a song writer & producer...

a musician...a movie star...a film director...a film producer...a clothing designer...an author...an entrepreneur...a philanthropist...and the GREATEST ENTERTAINER IN HISTORY! (as far as i'm concerned kittens)

i have some MADONNA surprises up my sleeve...which i will reveal later...

this fall...so stay tuned kittens...cuz ya won't wanna miss out on this one!

so grab tickets to see a part of history in the make'n...and get off my dress!

sorry kittens...i hadda throw in one more...i just couldn't help myself!