with the globes already over and the oscars not far away...i figered ya needed a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win!
in case ya missed the first ever FUCKTARD awards that was held right here last year...you can catch up or rekindle yer excitement here!
WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the floaters from the Costa Concordia
this year i decided to wear an overstated yet simplistic look by french haute coultier designer Terry Mugler
"the limo's are pull'n up...let's see who's made the cut this year"
"why look...it's SNL has-been and tea party twat...Victoria Principle...
oops...my bad...i've just been informed by her gal pal Shelly Bachmann it's Victoria Jackson...but really...what's the diff?...who really cares?"
bashes against Obama and even the folks at GLEE fer their Kurt and Blaine kiss...while cite'n the bible as one of yer reasons for making such a statement...but i'd say yer best was say'n alcoholism is a sin but ya don't see an alcoholic pride parade...bitch pleez!...it's called happy hour at any given bar on any given nite!"
"i'd like to say i'm surprised...but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore"
"wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?
"wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those Yugoslavian children do such impecable work...dont'cha think?"
"oh geez...it's that damn grumpy pasty ass dinosaur...figless Newt spew'n off at that seething mouth of his again"
blow'n yer top like a teapot...after all...you admitted to having an affair with congressional harlet and current wife Callista...while you lead the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton for the same thing a while back...but i see this aint' the 1st time fer you at the rodeo!
"hey Newt...got my fingers crossed fer ya...though yer facts are about as reliable as priest on a playground...we all know you deserve this!"
"this is a surprise...MN prez of the Parents Action League...Barb Anderson"
did ya get that Barb?
"oh...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board!...
and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...
the show is about to begin"
"welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards"
"tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia"
"let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n...Kim Kardashian"
Kardashian has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to you kittens...over exposure is not a good thing!...oh well...move'n on"
and the nominees are :
Elton John and his wife David Finished
i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford
comments you made towards the QUEEN's chances of take'n home the top prize...cuz don't it suck to get bitch slapped?
and as far as yer paid in full rent boy..you now have taken as yer wife...he really needs to concentrate more on being a proper wife...before he starts serve'n backhand sammiches to anyone!
Pastor Patrick Wooden
butt really Wooden...how do YOU know soo much?...
what a fabu prezzie you've given all non heterosexuals in a way...bring'n to light the ignoramous religious zealotry that is so out of fashion these days
Rick Santorum and Rev. O'Neal Dozier
thanx fer clear'n that up fer the american people Rick...but really...is an award show the place fer that kinda talk? i will say though...there's some things you need to go back to the draw'n board and rethink...don'tcha think?...or i don't fancy you ever become'n prez!
is he the reason ya hadda skidaddle outta the florida debates?
so how does another supposed man of the cloth know that non heterosexuality is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit."...i mean...sure it does happen to a percentage of the non heterosexual crowd who don't have that built in "no gag" reflex...hell even the non homo gals have a hard time with it as well...butt practice does make perfect!
perhaps someone's been drink'n too much of the communal wine on the weekends...i'm just say'n
and last...State Senator Stacey Campfield
hmmm...politicians and priests seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year
oh well...on with the show...
and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)
GOP TN State sorry-ass Senator Stacey Campfield
Santorum who means so much
well Stacey...what do you have to say fer yerself?
"that bullying thing is the biggest lark out there"
"most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community...it was one guy screwing a monkey...if i recall correctly...and then having sex with men....it was an airline pilot...if i recall"
"i'd also like to add...what's the average lifespan of a homosexual?...it's very short...google it yourself"
WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...
but don't take my word fer it...listen to this winner here
if you feel that Stacey was unfairly awarded...don't worry...at least someone has already taken up a campaign fer his FUCKTARD award reversal here
so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public
well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their bitches...
if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n
then you should take another guess
well then...you better get off my dress!