Monday, January 30, 2012

and the award goes to...

with the globes already over and the oscars not far away...i figered ya needed a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win!

in case ya missed the first ever FUCKTARD awards that was held right here last can catch up or rekindle yer excitement here!

WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the floaters from the Costa Concordia

this year i decided to wear an overstated yet simplistic look by french haute coultier designer Terry Mugler
"a simple full length black silhouette dress...yet notice how the neck line plunges as it caresses my jeweled breast...the jewels continue to flow up my armpit and cascade down my help mask those unsightly sweat stains from the paparazzi...while being completely encased in a floor length coat accented with pillowed pink silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children"

"the limo's are pull'n up...let's see who's made the cut this year"

"why's SNL has-been and tea party twat...Victoria Principle... bad...i've just been informed by her gal pal Shelly Bachmann it's Victoria Jackson...but really...what's the diff?...who really cares?"
"'ve been a busy c*nt this year Vicky..what...with all the bashes against Obama and even the folks at GLEE fer their Kurt and Blaine kiss...while cite'n the bible as one of yer reasons for making such a statement...but i'd say yer best was say'n alcoholism is a sin but ya don't see an alcoholic pride parade...bitch pleez!'s called happy hour at any given bar on any given nite!"

"i'd like to say i'm surprised...but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore"

"wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?
"yer so cute and pokeable"

"wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those Yugoslavian children do such impecable work...dont'cha think?"
" i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?'ll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?"

"oh's that damn grumpy pasty ass dinosaur...figless Newt spew'n off at that seething mouth of his again"
"really Newt!...blow'n yer top like a teapot...after admitted to having an affair with congressional harlet and current wife Callista...while you lead the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton for the same thing a while back...but i see this aint' the 1st time fer you at the rodeo!

"hey my fingers crossed fer ya...though yer facts are about as reliable as priest on a playground...we all know you deserve this!"

"this is a surprise...MN prez of the Parents Action League...Barb Anderson"
"oh hold on a sec Barb...i got a call come'n in...HELLO?...hi...yer live on the web...who's call'n please?...this is 1980 call'n and you would like Barb to give back yer way of think'n...sure thing...i'll let her know...thanx fer call'n!...did ya get that Barb?

"oh...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board!...
and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...
the show is about to begin"

"welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards"

"tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia"
"cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!"

"let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n...Kim Kardashian"
"oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter Kim
Kardashian has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to you kittens...over exposure is not a good thing!...oh well...move'n on"

and the nominees are :

Elton John and his wife David Finished
ok...1st off...Elton...time to pull that roadkill off yer head and bury really need to stop eat'n those bitter cupcakes before you go live on the air during ceremony season...

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford
and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer those comments you made towards the QUEEN's chances of take'n home the top prize...cuz don't it suck to get bitch slapped?

and as far as yer paid in full rent now have taken as yer wife...he really needs to concentrate more on being a proper wife...before he starts serve'n backhand sammiches to anyone!

Pastor Patrick Wooden
hmmm...well this is a FUCKTARD award first...a man of the cloth...did you know that if you took out "at"...yer left with Prick Wooden?...oh so many thoughts could be conjured up from that one...butt really do YOU know soo much?...

what a fabu prezzie you've given all non heterosexuals in a way...bring'n to light the ignoramous religious zealotry that is so out of fashion these days

Rick Santorum and Rev. O'Neal Dozier
enquire'n minds really wanna big is he?...WOW...REALLY?
thanx fer clear'n that up fer the american people Rick...but an award show the place fer that kinda talk? i will say though...there's some things you need to go back to the draw'n board and rethink...don'tcha think?...or i don't fancy you ever become'n prez!

is he the reason ya hadda skidaddle outta the florida debates?

so how does another supposed man of the cloth know that non heterosexuality is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit."...i mean...sure it does happen to a percentage of the non heterosexual crowd who don't have that built in "no gag" reflex...hell even the non homo gals have a hard time with it as well...butt practice does make perfect!

perhaps someone's been drink'n too much of the communal wine on the weekends...i'm just say'n

and last...State Senator Stacey Campfield
i've had a secret thing fer hot tamale heads...but why his nomination?

hmmm...politicians and priests seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year

oh well...on with the show...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

GOP TN State sorry-ass Senator Stacey Campfield
this is a total upset...i really can't believe a hot strapp'n red head like Stacey could beat out a guy like Santorum who means so much

well Stacey...what do you have to say fer yerself?

"that bullying thing is the biggest lark out there"

anything else?

"most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual was one guy screwing a monkey...if i recall correctly...and then having sex with was an airline pilot...if i recall"

"i'd also like to add...what's the average lifespan of a homosexual?'s very it yourself" must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...
you make Deputy Cletus Hogg seem like a reliable presidential canidate!

but don't take my word fer it...listen to this winner here

if you feel that Stacey was unfairly awarded...don't least someone has already taken up a campaign fer his FUCKTARD award reversal here

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on's fine to have's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public
and start wave'n it around like some lightsaber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that doesn't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their bitches...

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n
then you should take another guess
cuz if you think that yer unscathable
well better get off my dress!

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