BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 1

what is that tired old whiny phrase?...one should NEVER eva say NEVER!

weh-heh-heeellll...it's about fuck'n time...don'tcha think my pretty lil mink? when we last left off back in 2023 i had a lil over 618k voyeuristic views before pull'n a Houdini on you all...since then i've managed to wrangle in another 800k+ stalkers without say'n a simple syrupy word so i figered it was time fer round 2 and believe you me...this time around...there's gonna be none of that damn NO HOLDS BARRED bullshit...FUCK THAT!!! it's gonna be a NO HOLDS BARRED X 100!!! i'm pull'n out ALL the plausibly pungent punches and serve'n every one of you curious kittens a plateful of the liably laughable lunches imaginably imaginable that my feeble lil mind can conjure up! 

(but NOT in a TAWNY KITAEN kinda way...OH NOOOO!)

more like in a WAKE ME UP (before you go-go runn'n off to yer socially unsupportive overly charged therapist way)

don't get me wrong....i am very well aware of how the climate of caustic

casual conversations has now turned into that annoy'nly weary WENDY RICHTER vs FABULOUS MOOLAH smack-down of salacious sling'ns and cuntentious casualties of the who's what and the WTF's of the pronoun pyramid scheme

seriously...call yerself what ever the live'n fiddlers fuck you wanna believe 

you are...it's truly not gonna affect mine or anyone else's life in the slightest...though trust me...there still is gonna be life fortunately after the love you think that you so rightfully deserve and yet unceremoniously get completely denied...

time after time!

cuz u gotta know that i outta know...after all...i was practically "engaged" 

fer all unpractical purposes to a former craigslist recipient last year (fer roughly a year) that i had met in the middle of my earlier than unusual mid-life crisis a lil over 13 years ago...who i knew from day one was gonna be nothin' more to me but a mere dickstraction from a former feral fickle fagolicious pickle that had been occupy'n my mental space without pay'n me the standard monthly emotional support rent that i so righteously deserved after pick'n him up from one self induced chemical crisis after another

he was ALMOST everything that i was ALMOST look'n for at the moment...

i was served up thee almost most killa kosmic kocktails durin'  this time frame which was my go to poison at this juncture in the road...

catered to an abosfuckinlutely phenomenal almost 5 star Michelin meal whenever i spent the nite...

all while watch'n almost everyone's fav-o-rit homo depot card carry'n politically-on-point clam collector RACHEL MADDOW...

then ended in the midnite hour by swapp'n throat plunge'n sonnets into each others esophagus in his almost blissfully bland boudoir...

BUUUUUUUT all of a sudden... 

(yea...you thought i'd forgotten huh didn'tcha kitten?)

after roughly 6 months into our bi-weekly routine of the bi-cautious affair 

that i tried to ferget by the time dawn had broken with my bedroom romeo 

(oh did i fergot to mention he was previously married to a maxi padder?)

well...since i was all too familiar that this "bi-scenario" was not gonna lead to any sorta Breakfast At Tiffany's bagels to remember (nor thankfully to regret) it was all just a frivolous and fancy...unsalted adulted entertainment with a free bonus fer me...

and lemme tell ya...that bonus practically had it's own P.O. box!

his only purpose to me at this place in time was to fulfill all my purposes...

all of which he had dutifully done...cuz i was thrilled that i didn't have to cook another shitty box of stale stove top crunch on burnt toast dinners then wash it down with a lukewarm glass of indignation a couple of days outta the week...

i was beyond elated that i didn't have to pay fer top shelf tanqueray...since i was beyond embarrassed when i found out that my local liquor store would not accept my platinum EBT card one even'n...

and i was over the moon that i got to enjoy some top notch pundit crotch since i couldn't afford cable in my shitbox (sorry fer that...i'm try'na not be sooo negative this time around) i mean my quaint lil shitbox!

unfortunately the only mountain i wanted broken was his backhanded bs 

he...like so many many others from my past shenanigans had sent me via the tic tac text'n sharade parade...

instead of a grown ass face to face confrontation...oops i mean C-L-O-S-U-R-E...pathetically imply'n of course that i wanted him more than he wanted me...all while declare'n that tired "it's not you it's me" dribble to soften the blow...oh and then he decided to top it off bi-say'n he was hitch'n up his giddy up to maxi padder #2!

ummm yea...kum-bye-ya my not so lil prairie dog with more issues than a yearly Vanity Affair subscription!

well there ya have it kittens...ain'tcha glad i came back? oh puhleez...

it's been like 3 years of blue-ball build-up H-E-double hockey stix fer me...who can stand all that damn pressure i ask you? i'm ready to explode...so stay tuned fer pt. 2 of BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!)

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

oh and ps...btw...i'm still thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...howeva...my newly acquired covid crown'n hence forth...i will be known simply as THE MATTRESS HATTER! (Krystal Kleer is hang'n up her heels fer the time bein' since i have no insurance or a huv-a-round at my disposal in case i teeter when i should'a tottered) perhaps you may even find me at some local non-union stand-up club test'n out my many muse'n live sometime in the not so distant future...perhaps!

oh yea...pps...GET OFF MY DRESS is goin bi (weekly that is) i have too many bee's in my unmade bonnet to truly dedicate a weekly read'n at my tender twilight stage!

rotten tomatoes

sometimes...when hollyweird folk decide to give new breath to classic movies fer the next generation...whether it's cuz technology wasn't there at the time or cuz they were forced to overdose on ritalin as a small child...

it's warranted...case in point is one of my all time fav freak fests from the 70's i seen as a small...but very important...pre pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASCARA...at the time it shocked the shit outta me and made me drop a meatloaf surprise in my garanimals...i thought to myself...i said self  "damn girrrl...layer on those layers for yer own protection"

by 2003...thee original seemed more like kiddie play...compared to when i took myself to see the twisted remake by Rob Zombie in a small theater fer the 10pm show'n out in the burbs (which...in itself...was fuck'n scary enough fer me)...with only 2 others in attendance that nite...sitt'n directly behind me...by the time it had ended...i hadda take that long ass walk...ALONE...under the midnite sky...to my car at the very far end of the park'n lot (cuz i was a moron that nite)...i literally hadda check the back seat of my car to make sure i was in their alone....S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y!

BUTT...and yes there is always gonna be one kittens...

there are those flicks that should never be tampered with at all...for instance like the 1981 mythological masterpiece CLASH OF THE TITANS

sure it was jam packed full of bad edit'n and trumped up technology...but at the time...it was absolute awesomeness at it's finest and forced all us hot wheels hoodlums and strawberry shortcake sniffers who hopped on our huffy bikes and peddled our A double snakes as fast as we could to the 50 cent show'n at our local small town theater on a saturday afternoon...to believe...

that there really were snaky bitches and blind-sided witches out there...unfortunately...that we would have to contend with someday

but when they released a remake back in 2010...i barely made it past the 1st 15 minutes of misery with all it's technological vomitus over blown imagery...that i walked out and asked fer my benajamins back so i could find some discount dick at the nearest dime-store

when freaks finally felt that they to could feel loved after they fell in love with Johnny Depp as the freak with hands made outta kitchen cutlery...it was a magical delight fer all those pre-emo's...and pre-cummers

unfortunately...after the last 120 days (and count'n) who in their right state of mind (besides those brain dead beauty contestants & aerosol huffers from Wal-Mart...and sadly to report...some are actually members of my own fam/friend circle) would waste their hard earned stripper money to see this retell'n of a classic about some bloated cheeto puff who cuts his staff in half and can't count to 10 before he tweets his tantrums delusions of grandeur out about how he's been treated by the "fake news" or late nite comedians

action flicks with dicks were always a crowd pleaser and a teaser fer any tenderly supple teenage terror like myself...especially when the sequel makes plausible sense

however...i...along with 64% (and count'n thankfully) xeno/homophobes...who care about healthcare/medicare and the over all good of the nation...aren't sold on the idea of some Twitter bitch's intent on blow'n up his "facts" to make them seem "bigger" than he real is...along with our democracy and his waistline...even if his core audience still is gorge'n on his his bullshit after all this time...(makes ya cold cock em with a left hook...but you dare not...cuz you know they'd splatter)

it was tough enough to make it thru this chickless flick...for chicks...about 3 grown future hair plug recipients & prozac pimps try'na take care of a puke bucket with bladder control issues...all while juggle'n their careers and their cocks

seriously though...do they really need to waste a big budget on this treacherous trio try'n to control their over bear'n out of control glutton with the button who has the mind of a loud mouthed manipulative schizophrenic? 

this oscar winn'n story between 2 closeted cock wrangle'n sheep herders and their unbridled and very much unspoken man-love fer one another was as breath take'n as the scenery in itself...that tugged at every emotional string one might have...that is...unless yer plugged into a defibrillator to keep yer heart a pump'n

on the other hand though...i gotta tell ya...this one has the perfect twist of all the closeted intrigue and espionage we're all just die'n to see at the box office...between our Pricktator and Putin that will surely make millions...once Comey has his say!

so stop yer porn and pop yer corn...this ones gonna be good...oh yea...and get off my dress!

tears and my pillow

there are many many many things in this crazy Cher-fer-sake'n world that can make all of us break down and weep like a baby from time to time!

like only have'n 1 minute and 30 seconds to make yerself look like a damn fool in front of millions with the drunk dyslexic shark dancers

i luv me some Katy...i do...the lion entrance was amaze'n...but that flame outfit really?...what...was HOT TOPIC have'n a close-out sale on their halloween costumes?...and though there was definitely some MADONNA moments on the chess board...i was bored after that...seriously...i was wait'n fer the Kool-Aid man to pop out from behind the palm trees...but thanx to MISSY ELLIOT fer save'n the show

chopp'n up one of these suckers fer yer salad will do the trick

knock'n over a glass of moo juice might turn some into a whine ass...

but apparently it originated as an offer'n to the faeries in the folklore period and this was considered to be good luck for those who did it

(but put that in yer useless information bank and smoke it)

try'n to save a couple of bucks...instead of call'n a real professional...

only to have it go awry...will make yer eye ducts start to well up and make you think twice about watch'n another damn TLC remodel'n program

or a misunderstand'n that goes askew...while hold'n a pick axe in yer hand...

may make a Maury Povich audience member let out a sigh of empathy for you...but yer still gonna probably get 5-10 in the big boy pen when it's over

i was fumblin' thru my dvd collection last weekend after a difficult day with my conscious tell'n me what to do...after o.d.'n on a 6 pack of red bull...

try'n to find somethin' to get the ol' R.E.M's to kick in...no...not these guys silly kitten

these guys...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

i cannot confirm or deny that this is or is not me catch'n 40 winks

(hadda throw somethin' in there...thought i was loose'n ya fer a minute)

i knew i needed somethin' with an extreme moment to get the water works happen'n..whether good or bad...in order to calm those night time nerves

and since i'm not 20 anymore...

unless i'm under the right light'n...

"patty cake'n the bacon" don't work like it used to!

even though i've seen these flicks like 100 million times over...they get to me each and every time durin' those pivitol moments...so i've compiled my top 10 list of bawl'n busters fer my narcaleptic naps

10. Lisa Lampanelli: take it like a man

she's the self proclaimed "Queen of Mean"...almost killed me the first time i seen her at my sister's house in the wee hours of the morn'n a few years back...all bets are off with EVERYONE here...and no one goes unscathed from her seethin' mouth and razor sharp tongue...one of my fav-o-rit lines from LL "i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo"...i dare you not to bust open the flood gates watch'n this show

9.Thelma and Louise

2 women...a thunderbird...and a hitch hiker...breakdown moment #1 happens fairly soon in the beginn'n but just sorta fills up the buckets...then yer calmed down fer a bit before the climactic end'n when ya use'n yer wrists as wind shield wipers

8. Little Miss Sunshine

one of the very few family movies i can relate to...and believe...well cuz it's so dysfunctional...a black dramedy about broken dreams and coming together as one...the movie is brilliant thru-out and not one dull moment to be had...but the end'n scene with the little sister kills me everytime

7. Silkwood

2 words...Meryl Streep...enough said!...no wait...there's more...throw in a non heterosexual Cher and a shirtless Kurt and it won't be long before you're reach'n fer the kleenix...a true story about Karen Silkwood who worked at a plutonium plant and started investigate'n the shinanigans that occured there...only to be investigated herself...Meryl's peril (sorry kittens...had to...it rhymed) is played out thru her amaze'n rendition of "amazing grace"...i always feel like i'm ride'n in slow motion thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris with Diana and Doty

6. Brokeback Mountain

2 guys...some horses...a lotta sheep...and a mountain...sounds like one of those illegal porn flicks you'd watch with yer high school buddies when yer parents weren't home...i know...BUTT...(and that is the opperative word) you can't escape their gravitational pull

5. NORMAL

hello!...Jessica Lange...what can't this woman do?...also starr'n Tom Wilkinson as her husband of 25 years...and that HERO's chick Hayden Panettiere as their teenage daughter...with possible non heterosexual tendencies and their son what's-his-name (really...what is it?...i never heard of him before..and i'm too uninterested to google him) anywho...this is a story about love...marriage...family...sex...change...the tear jerker moments are thru-out...but Jessica's break down in the basement should've gotten her an oscar nomination

4. Steel Magnolias

buckle yerself in to the emotional roller coaster cuz this all star cast will make yer eyes feel like the hoover dam...and ready to burst at the seams from the moment you press play...til the credits roll...i swear this

writer was born to make you weep..."i'm fine!...i can jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter can't!...she never could!...oh G*d!...i am so mad i don't know what to do!...i wanna know why!...i wanna know why Shelby's life is over!...i wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was!...will he ever know what she went through for him!...oh G*d i wanna know why?...Why?...lord i wish i could understand!"

3. Torch Song Trilogy

starr'n Harvey Fierstien...Anne Bancroft and my high school secret crush Matthew Broderick...about perform'n illusionist Bertha Venation...his lovers...their son and his jewish mother's disapproval..."whoops?...Ed did you say "whoops"?...no Ed "whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft..."whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha..."whoops"

is when you accidentally douche with drano!...no Ed...this was no "whoops" this was an AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"...i'm already gett'n farklempt and i haven't even pressed play

2. Terms of Endearment

Shirley McClaine...Debra Winger..."it's past ten...my daughter is in pain...i don't understand why she has to have this pain...all she has to do is hold out until ten...and IT'S PAST TEN!...my daughter is in pain... can't you understand that!...GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"...enough said

1.ONCE

though i rarely ever use this word to describe anything...this is thee most BEAUTIFULLY done romantic musical i have ever seen in my life...about a guy...a girl...a vaccuum...a piano...a guitar...and find'n out what it is you really want in life...the simplicity in itself is enough to make you break down and weep...the musical arrangements are perfection and tug at every little vein that leads straight to yer heart 

 (that is IF you have one at all)

so there ya have it kittens!

keep yer nyquil...choke on yer ambien...this is my preferred medication to dreamland...try it next time yer toss'n in yer sleep...if that don't work...go see a doctor...

and get off my dress!