get off my dress: WILL & GRACE

now that all the candy has been consumed til it's reeked levels of chaos

on yer kids tic tac teeth with their costumes all torn to fuck'n shreds and tossed away like some cheap hussie in the heartland while yer pumpkin spiced coffee's...pumpkin spiced cocktails and pumpkin spiced cod fish catastrophes have left yer taste buds begg'n to be molested by figs and fruit cakes...it made me think of the one beloved pint sized fruitcake that we lost recently due to gett'n or give'n head in his mini mercedes and crash'n head on into barbie's dreamhouse (though i personally cannot confirm nor deny that this was the actual cause of brother boy's death cuz i really can't be bothered to research the logistics at this time)

LESLIE JORDAN was a magnificent mini multi-faceted matron of comedy

whether play'n the TAMMY WYNETTE obsessed brother boy in the "SORDID LIVES" installations...KAREN WALKER's fancy frenemy BEVERLY LESLIE on the hit series "WILL & GRACE" or the many different dynamic characters on "AMERICAN HORROR STORIES" he will be truly missed as one of my all time favs chats ever since i had the absolute honor to snag him as my 3rd celeb interview fer my blog in his west hollyweird hideaway 10 years ago this week...so in honor of his unfortunate pass'n i figered it's only appropriate to share again a lil glimpse inside this comedic genius's mind...enjoy! (ps...you'll have to suffer til next week kittens fer pt 2 of TY A TRAGIC TORNADO)

BUTT anyways...

hey kittens…you know that say'n "big things come in small packages!"

well most of the time…it's sometimes true (depend'n how much you REALLY wanna pay fer it) hey…i'm not here to point fingers and be some

judgemental judy...i'm just say ya might wanna keep a couple of benjamin's by yer bed stand fer those "rainy nites" after ya reach a certain age

but no worries about shell'n out any shill'ns from yer lil change purse today

kittens...cuz have i got a lil snicky snakc fer you (and i mean that literally) from my informational studio today fer i have none other than that pint sized larger than life brilliance who's been on stage...television and film fer the better part of 2 decades...best known as everyone's fav-o-rit comical keebler elf on the hit series "WILL & GRACE"

LESLIE JORDAN

(insert the clap here)

so LESLIE...WOW! i was totally surprised see'n you hitch hike along the informational highway this morn'n so i'm glad i pulled over to pick ya up...how the H-E-double hockey stix are ya?

i don't know what that means

that's MN talk basically mean'n "what the hell have ya been up to lately?"

oh...well in 2006 i won an emmy for a tv show i was on called "Will & Grace" and i thought i was set then it just all went into the shitter...i don't know what happened so i had to reinvent myself

(side note...how very Madonna of you Leslie)

i have a management firm in Palm Springs that books me and i do about

45 venues a year...i do stand up comedy in gay bars...that's very lucrative and make alotta money doin that

i leave tomorrow and i'm host'n the largest gay dinner for 3000 gay men in black tie and gay women in Dallas Texas...to raise money for something...i'm not sure what's it 's for

yer bank account maybe? (Leslie's laughs)

let's start there and get it outta the way…it's been like what about 6 years

since you starred in a lil hit comedy show that ran fer 8 glorious years called Will and Grace and as you stated you snagged yerself an Emmy in 2006 fer Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series fer yer portrayal of not so str8 act'n and appear’n pretentious socialite Beverly Leslie first...that quite frankly…still owe me fer the hospital bills fer putt'n me in stitches every thursday nite…what was it like work'n with such an incredibly funny cast?

well working on Will and Grace was like a turning point for my "tribe" and America and i was really proud to be apart of that cast.

bein' Karen Walker's number one non heterosexually closeted nemesis….did that involve a lot of research on yer part?

no...that part was originally written for Joan Collins if you can believe that...she was gonna become the best friend of Karen Walker...

they wanted them to have a spat and pull each others wigs off and Joan Collins balked and they fired her ass so i nailed it on the very first audition...i was told when i first came to Hollywood that i had to get rid of my accent cuz it would limit me cuz i was already such a character then i thought i'm just a marketable package...

i'm not gonna be Robert DeNiro and disappear into a roll...

i'm like Dolly Parton...there's alot of me...just in real life!

i have a serial obsession with Madonna and hope to be play'n one of her many reincarnations in some lifetime movie of the week…in the very

distant future that i'm sure will also star Markie Post...

as some obsessed...down-n-out drunk...divorcee...Madonna wannabe

and then i remembered you yerself had an obsession as the non heterosexual perform'n illusionist…locked in the loony bin fer reparative

therapy try'n to keep the legacy of the late great TAMMY WYNETTE alive in the hilarious black comedy about southern white trailer trash…

"SORDID LIVES"

starr'n "DESIGNING WOMEN" alumni DELTA BURKE and BONNIE BEDELIA

funny lady BETH GRANT

songbird OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN among others

there's that one moment in the movie when you broke down and said...

"well...someone's got to carry on her legacy now that she's gone!" seriously...it gave me the chills!

and i'm not afraid to say it hear and now…you was absolutely robbed!

how did that not get you nominated fer an oscar fer yer portrayal of Brother Boy?

the movie just didn't do that well i guess

eventually it was turned into a prequel i guess...and made into a tv series

"SORDID LIVES TV SERIES"

what was it like work'n with that sexually charged Golden Girl herself…

Blanche Devereaux on the tv series with RUE McCLANAHAN?

i adored her...but i would even say this in front of her...she is a doll but she was having problems with her back and she got on this pain medicine and she was a bitch (Leslie laughs) we asked her if she wanted to go out on the road with the show...cuz we were all broke...people don't know that Rue

lost alot of money in that Bernie Madoff fiasco...so she had to go back to work at 73...it was terrible...she was broke...Caroline Rae was broke...i was broke...so we decided to do a "Sordid Evening of Comedy" and hit the road to make some money...we charged $75 a ticket for a meet and greet and that's what Rue hated...she hated the meet and greet cuz she wasn't feeling well cuz at this point she was in a wheel chair...but she would tell stories about the Golden Girls...

and the audience would just eat it up! She was one of the greats!

you've said "yer the gayest man you know" grow'n up in a conservative family in Chattanooga in yer off broadway smash hit that traveled the

country sides with "MY TRIP DOWN THE PINK CARPET"

which was taken from yer ball bust'n hysterically penned memoir you wrote a few years back…reveal'n celeb run-in's from...

BOY GEORGE

to GEORGE CLOONEY

yer take on Hollyweird…yer fame and yer addictions…gay culture and

just say'n it's OK to be a non heterosexual or non homosexual…just love yerself...that must've been...well a trip fer you?

well "My Trip Down the Pink Carpet" LILY TOMLIN saw and helped me produce it and we did it in New York and then took it to London...what i talk about in my one man show is myself...it's my favorite subject! growing up gay in the baptist church (i've been baptized 14 times) my dad was a lieutenant colonel in the army and i was not exactly the son he envisioned...i was booked at the Pantages theater in downtown Minneapolis and CAMP heard about my stand up comedy and wanted me to do the show at their theater.

now yer back in the land of 10,000 bottoms…oops…i mean lakes…

with yer brand new show "Fruit Fly" @ CAMP in downtown St Paul...can ya tell my kittens what they can expect this time around?

well...i was there last year at CAMP in St Paul and fell in love with that city and the St Paul hotel and all the restaurants in that area...and it was a homo hoe-down...it was packed every single night...word spread and i was getting a nice cross over audience which is always good...what my one man show "FRUIT FLY" is all about is...

it answers the age old question "do gay men become their mothers?"

my mother was the baby of 9 children and my daddy was the baby in his family...so when the babies had a baby...i was photographed relentlessly...

i mean how could i have not turned out gay with beanies and matching umbrella's...i was just decorated and trotted out...so i took those stories and did a show around them....it's a performance with flies...music...stories...light cues...it's stories about me with my mother...people were really moved by it...i told my devote baptist mother at 12 years old that i was gay and she always had problems with that and started taking me to christian therapy...and they would pray over me...and they told me when i have urges for sex with someone of the same sex...it was the voice of the prince of darkness.

it's a full length play...i can promise them alot of laughs but it's much more...it's very moving...and i'm really really proud of it...we booked it in London...Paris...Amsterdam in january and february...so CAMP is actually getting in on the beginnings of something big. CAMP is a wonderful venue so i would love to get a good cross over crowd of both straight and gay people there again

now we've come to the part of the interview i just like to call…

can we talk about ME fer a change?

this is where you get to put on yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask me ANYTHING under the rainbow…and I mean ANYTHING (well except rainbows) that yer die’n to know about this unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…I swear…I’ll still come to yer show

have you ever met Lorna Luft...Judy Garland's daughter?

i have not had the pleasure yet...but i have clicked my heels once or twice and said there's no place like a homo!

i wanna thank the ever hysterical and MUST NOT ferget…Emmy award

winner…Leslie Jordan fer hop scotch'n his tiny tush into my studio today!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

like when you think yer goin to a feel good movie to lift up

yer spirits after gett'n a desperate call from yer bestie lett'n you know she's discovered a lump....think'n it's about 2 besties that head out on a road trip to the boss's cabin...to get away from all the hustle and bustle of their mundane life fer the weekend from the trailers...

only to find out...yer turned into a puddle by credits end as you frantically call yer shrink fer an emergency session and the number to the suicide hotline...only to be put on hold!

or when you decide to take a refresh'n dip in the deep end of the lake

to escape the insanity...with yer sanity...from another ruined family reunion once again...by yer sweet tooth cuz of yer cuz Mertyl's meringue pie made entirely outta mayonnaise and mustard...and yer uncle's nibbley's parts on display next to the bowl of assorted nuts...

only wish'n you hadn't ignored the DO NOT SWIM sign at the end of the pier!

or when some ignorant bicyclist thinks that they're save'n the entire planet

from carbon emissions...by completely taken over the road instead of kindly move'n to the side when you gotta school bus of scream'n assholes and yer seconds away from gett'n stuck in rush hour traffic blocks from home after a hard day at work...

and realize'n you ended up goin commando that day cuz you were too lazy to do laundry over the weekend...and yer coffee has finally decided to kick in!

one thing that could NEVER bother me though...is today's sassy and very brassy self described..."effeminate and damaged boy from the Bronx"

the one and only MISS COCO PERU...well...except the planned interview i worked on fer months fell thru...due to our busy "scedules"...even after i withdrew $100 from my whore fund fer 4th row center...meet & greet tix fer me & my dear friend Peetrinella fer an early xmas surprise...and then completely have'n an unexcused incontinence moment...by actually fergett'n to go to the damn show a couple weeks back...

BUTT...at the very least

glad fer Coco's hysterical & triumphant return to the set of Will & Grace this past week...

and that there's FINALLY gonna be a sequel...20 years later...to one of my all time fav-o-rit romatic indy hits from the 90's...here's hope'n Coco's part is much bigger

but now that just means some lonely whore is gonna have to press their luck and hope that their next "WTF was i think'n?" moment...is STD free fer a change

move'n on...

now...imagine fer a moment if you will...yer try'na have a civilized grown-up convo with some instagrammer about the current state of the country

and they happen to turn the convo around to the current election...and let it slip that they already cast had their vote early...yer think'n...YAY....there is hope fer the future!

UNTIL...that is...that they let is spill they cast their vote fer a write in candidate...and that dam dreaded WHAMMIE hits you like a ton of typical millennial brain dead bricks

cuz they decided to write in Obi-Wan Kenobi...cuz you know..."he is our only hope!"

unfortunately...it didn't work out so well fer him in the end...did it?

now...as much as i want to agree its yer right...to write in who you want

I JUST CAN'T THIS TIME AROUND!...too much is at stake!!!

i hadda rush myself to the nearest powder room and suck on a urinal mint...

before i would end up goin batshit on this one...and end up have'n to go to sensitivity train'n ..after have'n a coupe cocktails with the HR department...of course