CHER'N IS CARE'N

picture it kittens...it was the year 1965...and the tv series starr'n funny gal

the vivaciously knee slapper LUCILLE BALL was finally filmed in brilliant technicolor show'n off her hot tamale locks in all her glorious color on the #1 series "THE LUCY SHOW"

a young JULIE ANDREWS portrayed the real life MARIA VON TRAPP

in a post WW2 world...spinn'n around like a tomboyish postulant sing'n like a songbird in the fields of some Austrian mountain top in the #1 film "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"

BUTT (more importantly)

a very young 19 year old CHERILYN SARKISIAN makes her very 1st #1

hit on the airwaves with her floor mopped mini musical muffin man SONNY with "I GOT YOU BABE" in aug of 1965 off the album "LOOK AT US"

after a successful series with her biz partner in and outta their shaggy 

burnt orange boudoir in the mid 1970's CHER would climb outta their bed with the pedal to the metal on her very own...steam'n full speed ahead to her 2nd #1 hit with "GYPSIES TRAMPS AND THIEVES" of the album of the same name in novem of 1971 at 25

once the 1980's rolled around...CHER would finally unwind her ravenous

luscious locks and by the summer of 1989 CHER would make it back to the top spot fer the 1st time on the adult contemporary charts with her 3rd #1 butt bare'n rock ballad "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" when she was give'n maxi pads half her age a run fer their money at 43 from the album "HEART OF STONE" 

before the new millennium would begin CHER would once again achieve

 global domination with her massive 4th #1 pulsate'n floor thumper and thee best break-up after math ass shake'n anthem with "BELIEVE" in march of 1999 off her 22 album at 53 from the album of the same title which was also the 1st of many...many...M-A-N-Y "farewell" tours i would be forced to attend thanx to my damn subconscious (tell'n me this "could be" her last time) and also the 1st time i ever would perform as CHER at an AIDS charity (waive'n my performance fee) and i had made that exact headdress from above fer $6 from crap at Axman supplies (that unfortunately melted into a ball of congealed goop in my closet durin' a very hot and humid summer the follow'n year)

after a post 9/11...CHER would return with a snappy dance romp'n tribute 

with "SONG FOR THE LONELY" her 5th #1 in march of 2002 and more popular than ever at 55 from the album "LIVING PROOF"

by the winter of 2010 CHER proved age was just a number in novem 

when she starred opposite CHRISTINA AGUILERA in the campy drama "BURLESQUE" at 64 and hit her 6th #1 hit off the movie soundtrack with "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME" 

and just when you thought that you heard more than yer share of another

remake and remodeled xmas tune...at 77 fanfuckintabulous years CHER has now become thee ONLY artist to have a #1 hit in 7 consecutive decades with her latest #1 xmas anthem "DJ PLAY A CHRISTMAS SONG" off her very 1st xmas album simply titled "CHRISTMAS" cuz WHY NOT! it's fuck'n CHER!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

a MID CENTURY of MADNESS

picture it kittens...it's 1983...and you reluctantly get back together with 

yer high school possee after 15 years just to have 'em help you fumigate yer cabin...only cuz one of yer very dear charm'n fucktarded friends decided to haunt yer rental property fer the rest of eternity

art had irritated life with my group of stalkers friends roughly 8 years ago

under completely different circumstances thankfully (though outta their complete control unfortunately) however...it still carried the same plot lines...under a considerably much smaller budget of course...that i could completely turn into some sorta high profiled low budgeted indie flik under the same sorta concept someday i hope

i've lived a completely creative and colorfully cocktailed existence since 

the very beginn'n...from my incredibly natural arched eyebrowed sweetly saccharinated split pea souped up lapelled smiles of the 70's... 

to the Miss Clairol #33 elephant pissed hair hopp'n aqua netted follicles of the shoulder padded 80's...

followed by my 1st taste as everyones fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe in the 90's (that incidentally began at the 90's)

that was indiscretely accompanied by the hedonistic "hey aren’t you" days of the 2000's... 

only to be frustrated by my independently broke days of the 2010's

that i U-L-T-I-M-A-T-E-L-Y made it to in one piece (at peace) in the 2020's at the tenderly unpasteurized and golden gurl age of the BIG FUCK'N 5-0 at last!

this is all such a bittersweet luxury that i never imagined i'd ever see...

seen as how i thought i'd never make it past 16 at 15 and unfortunately since my dad and 2 of my brothers were unable to relish in this experience on their very own themselves

there are those birthday moments in life that we celebrate as a conclusion

to a cornerstone of our existence...fer instance...yer last chance of gett'n away with murder while gett'n visually molested by the grandparents on yer sweet 16th

and yer last chance of gett'n a free "get outta jail card" from yer parents on yer 21st

with the current state of affairs we're currently live'n in...there will be no 

gigantor fanfare with me marinate'n in an ocean of cocktails among my friends and certain fam members...followed by a slice of chilled coconut cake served to me after my final performance by some beef caked up clown stripper from Schenectady that i had always envisioned i would get delivered to me to commemorate with...on such a momentous milestone in ones existence

i do not subscribe to that attention whore'n  "it’s my birthday week"

like many that march in their own prozac popp'n pity parade...so unless yer the spawn of satan (which i am absofuckinglutely convinced the current mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik sack of pig shit disgrace’n the WH is #BIDENHARRIS2020)

 it DOES NOT take a week to be exhumed from yer landlord's womb nor are you rebirthed 6 consecutive days in a row...it just so happens that this self deprecate’n babble was posted exactly 6 days before i was to be expelled from my hosts gelatinous sack...

therefore you will just have to suffice with a lil ALTER IMAGES homage to myself fer the week

and if i’m lucky enough...i’ll be bath'n in a vat of tasty fava beans...hosed down with a nice chianti by my bff Peetrinella in her backyard come sunday...who knows?

 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!