RESOLUTION RESTITUTION

with every new years eve there comes a new list of everyone's annoyingly

 

unattainable ridiculous (or redickuless...depend'n on how you butter yer bread) resolutions that they don't ever have the slightest intention or interest of ever beginn'n let alone complete'n once dawn breaks and their champagne hangover ends up bein' more embarass'n at their age once they've realized the bedsheets are made outta newspaper print only to turn over fer a good look at the halitosed mud flaps with rheumatism they apparently met just hours earlier on their walk home thru some seedy downtown alley after their balls dropped

once you've crossed over into AARP country

those 20 pounds you planned on shedd'n once you've recouped from yer 

walk of shame to the uber after yer recognitive senses have regained their full functions...have multiplied and now become a maximum security prison of fat cells molest'n yer body ever since you made that resolution to shed them 3 new years prior and now realize that you need to borrow the jaws of life from yer local fire station just to get outta the 5 pairs of spanx that you've encased yerself into like a drunken egyptian pharaoh just to get that perfect selfie at the stroke of midnite to post all over yer social media...kittens...life is no easy bake oven!

"ANTICIPATION" lyrics from Miss CARLY SIMON mock'n you in yer head

as you desperately wait to read the comments from supposed fam and friends who have zero intention of ever contact'n you to catch up just cuz they posted "miss you let's get together soon" which was only posted as some simple misguided penance cuz they were suddenly stung by the holidazed hornet

there are no fancy creams to wash away yer misinterpreted existence

nor are there even enough benjamins in yer bank account to make a difference anyways since you maxed out yer EBT card and yer sciatica nerve has become yer own personal spring board of backaches

may i suggest you reach fer things much more attainable at this stage

of yer life like hope'n you don't mistake that over stuffed bean burrito from Chipotle you inhaled on the highway that's been sitt'n in yer fridge fer 5 weeks as just gas when yer goin grocery shopp'n

or remember'n to put yer bifocals on after dry'n yerself off from the shower so you can distinguish between yer tubes of tooth paste and yer preparation H

and remember'n to keep yer gorilla glue in yer junk drawer after fix'n the faucet in yer bathroom and not next to yer contact lense case on the medicine cabinet

quit with the damn daily affirmations and throw away yer hopeless candles

labeled hope of ever try'n to snag yerself a sympathetic soul mate after 35...cuz trust me at this point in the game of life consider yerself lucky if you have at least one friend who even bothers to listen to yer regrets any longer if you don't spring fer dinner and drinks on a notarized contract first

BUTT here me out...

fer generations society has been taught that the youthful are the only way

to live...to survive...to thrive and flourish without any regret or reason to bow down to those generational letters before them...however...what 20 somethin's don't realize is that since life expectancy is roughly 70+ years of age (assume'n yer not a total space cadet hopped up on goofballs or some Betty Ford beauty queen) which basically means they've peaked anyone’s interest by the time they've hit 35 at best...

and will begin their slow decent spiral'n down that middle age curly slide way before they've reached 50 so choke on that food fer thought!

just fuck all those in their 20's who think that the universe revolves around

them...seriously...just literally fuck 'em if that's yer cup of tea! well...without the use of chloroform and their consent of course (insert uncomfortable laugh here) in the 90's insecure people waited til they were established financially in their 40's to pathetically pass as 20 somethin' with injectables to get someone in their 40's to want them...20 somethin's today are look'n fer those financially stable 40+ crowds as an excuse to get outta their comfort zone and their parents basement fer the nite know'n that their gaggle of judgemental gestapo seethin' sidekicks can't afford to go out with them cuz they're save'n up fer their yearly botox retreat in Beijing to paralyze any part of their existence that might live beyond the age of 29 so it's a simple trade-off transaction really...they get out from under their parents wonder'n eye fer a lil rendezvous adventure that includes a two drink maximum 

and you get to recapture yer misspent youth to when you were too wasted to pull up yer culottes after slamm'n down a 6 pack of Zima's while try'n to grab onto yer ankles in some busted out brown bronco behind Little Caesar's after his shift...just make sure to get there 5 minutes before happy hour ends and slam'em then exit stage left pronto so you don't end up with overdrafts

as much as it's borderline pathetic to think that people of a certain age

like MARTIN LUTHER KING JR...RODNEY KING or even STEPHEN KING fer that matter can be remembered fer their profound and poetically prolific words to the wise...though you can no longer remember to put the damn seat down when you get up in the middle of the nite to make yer sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god!

when it's all said and done choose yer resolutions wisely and easily met

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

pass'n out over passover

well this weeks blog was intended fer last weeks audience...

but unfortunately it was preempted by the untimely pass'n of the lil Purple Paisley man 

but unfortunately...that wasn't the only sad new of this past week...

so without any further interruptions...on with the program...

another holiglazed season is upon us once again that began at sundown…

last fri...then why is this overlooked holiday completely left outta the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super stores...if ya ask me…i say "gimme my fuck'n Passover prezzies…puhleez!"

i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts...just as is anyone in the past 2000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?...BUT

apparently the story goes as follows...when Jewbacca and his buddies were lay'n down the law of the land...some imaginationally nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the remote control) one day flipped out and went all ax-weild'n homicidal maniac on everyone...who then "passed over" the homes of the "penny pinchers" 

while slay'n everyone else's first born pile of crappy pants…

in some city far far away…

though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that's…another story

see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it's disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of these winners on the American Idol program...cuz no one else does these days

(that was NOT a paid endorsement)

how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?

it's one of the last exploitative days left in the calendar year that's not be give'n some sorta money make'n celebratory mindwarp...NEXT!

though this past weekend proved to be a bit of a celebratory...

holiday of it's own with the remembrance of a MN legend...many friends bday's and one bad nite...which could be perfectly summed up with a lil ditty from Miss Sophie Ellis- Bextor...when my precious...PRECIOUS...P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S pink UV blockers that i had only adopted but one week earlier...and had only managed to get in 2 unworthy publishable selfies in them...before they were ruthlessly...but unintentionally...murdered in a drunken rage on the dance floor...by a very dearly hurt'n kitten of mine...who was left in stitches...and NOT from laugh'n...

then i had a flash back...

a not so long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years at the time…who…at times…could be a complete kitten...

and at other times was completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf Franzia…that he stored conveniently inside a trick pocket he master minded himself...well cuz the price of bein' an intoxicated catastrophe was become'n much too spendy...rang me one sunny sunday funday afternoon to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice

though i would'a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drank shots of DRANO…i was in need petrol in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on to see how long my patience would last

by the time i had reached my headache...i remembered his name...

DANZILLA...(fer obvious reasons you'll find out soon enough as this mess will progress)...had eyes like the emerald city…a thick black mane atop his noggin with butterfly lashes to match…and lips made out of precious pink pillows..that i wanted to punch numerous times in manysituations

WAIT!!...lemme back it up a bit…

DANZILLA had recently checked outta this very posh…"state run" hotel

after his court ordered year lease was up fer fulfill'n his contractual obligations…and she was ready to go bat shit crazy (or just maybe that's why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went

first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was thee appropriately chosen…

by DANZILLA...and of course he became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order'n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh appletini

though i was the designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn't hurt…would it?...and anyways…i was about to

make my national debut there as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the universe that halloween…so one like myself...must learn how to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it's a free cocktail…i could afford that!

now…i'm used to said friend of 17 years & her antics and vocal range after she's filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice she could

shove in her trick pockets…on any given nite (it was like watch'n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and i was always try'n desperately to be the voice of reason…but ya can't stop an inebriated locomotive no matter how hard you try!

DANZILLA had drowned himself in 5 appletini's at this point and basically prostituted his affection for mr. bartender's attention with a $20 benjamin

after each martini he chugged down…(maybe it's cuz the bartender was a drug dealer) cuz every time he bent over…he was sell'n alotta crack…and at some point during the chaos and confusion of booze-a-pa-looser…DANZILLA had jumped into the mosh pit with a healthy gal named RUTH

however the war of words started…i had no desire to play referee!

RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA
feel'n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch "whatever fatty"…which RUTH is not mind you…she's big boned...

but…so's a stegosaurus...hey...i'm just say'n

i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until i had had enough

so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his

cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on my friends couch

one appletini : $7 buy'n some affection/attention fer yer pseudo friends: $28 know'n that you won't have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn'n: PRICELESS

moral of the stories…

FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homicidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led

to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) until we learn it was all a hoax...yet we still want our prezzies...regardless!

hmmmm...are ya see'n the connection kittens?

SECONDLY…though times like these were made for Maxwell House…

film'n that day for a YouTube video for the world to witness...would'a made those precious moments much more cherishable!

now if you don't mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy…

so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!