a POWER TRIP!

ever since the beginn'n of time...we...as a society...have been ostracized 

and frowned up by fellow fucktwats with snobbish attitudes who think their shit smells like a garden of earthly delights due to the fact of the monetary class system which they belong to...i mean a prefect example dates back to the stone ages when Betty and Wilma would taunt their fellow neighborhood cave dwellers...cook'n bronto burgers fer their signifigant others...in the latest frocks straight off the runways of the MuuKee MuuKee collection durin' Bedrock's fashion week

hundreds of years would pass and you would think that society would'a

changed their attitude...like they changed their bran intake...towards those less fortunate than themselves and help out their fellow man...but proof came durin' the sink'n of the titanic when those choke'n on their nausiate'n nepotism while bein' served champagne and saltines smothered in cavier...boarded the limited life rafts while their fellow food stampers floated like fish'n bobbers...hopelessy wait'n fer a rescue boat that would never come...much like the last emotionally crippled cock i met 

by the 1980's...the financial gap couldn't have been any further apart

thanx in part to the phony "trickle down effect" that was nothin short of a financial trick fer most that were affected by the posh "policies" put in place by Mr. AIDS Deny'n-Jelly Bean Junk'n-Dementia Dickwad 1981...til the end of the decade

now don't get me wrong...i was ALL about desperately yearn'n to live the opulent lifestyles of the rich and bloated ego riddled affluent folk that were

famously featured every week by that lecherously drunk manatee Mr. Leach...but i knew my paper route wasn't gonna cut it...even though i thought i had started a minature empire by hire'n 3 of my sibs to help deliver the 360 winona shopper papers once a week at $1 per every section that consisted roughly of 90 customers...then built a mini market in my closet and resold them stuff i would find around the house fer exactly a dollar (with a fully enforced no return policy)

fast forward to the year 2000...when i was out enjoy'n a bevy of adult 

beverages with a bunch of my not so close but pleasantly appall’n anally inclined stalkers at some local non heterosexual water'n hole...when they all collectively decided to upgrade our surround'ns and venture to a more prestigious atmosphere so we ended up at one of the oldest colostomitic locations in town

as we waited patiently outside...under the very hot steamy minnesota sun

this particular day...completely parched...anxiously crave'n a river of mind erase'n liquid replenishments...a friend happened to mention to me that i would most likely not be allowed into the premises without first remove'n my follically challenged scalp accessory and trust me...i was not about to have any part of this sharade

that would be like General Veers demand'n Vader to remove his helmet when speak'n to him...it just ain't happen'n!

now listen...i'm all fer follow'n rules and regulations to establishments of a 

 certain "grandeur" (if you will) when occupy'n their premises fer a period of time...BUTT (and you know there always is one) i will not be subjected to the "fashion police" at the front door...who might as well have been in berkinstocks...a barfy floral peek-a-boob blouse and a pair of hysterectomy tight jeans...

but sure as shit...a minute later Miss poly blend would return to inform me that baseball caps were unfortunately not part of their "dress code" with no other explanation

well...i was NOT about to remove my cap without some form of sun 

protection even if i would be seated inside the restaurant...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...and unfortunately my burka was at the cleaners...plus there would've been a ring of indentation around my noggin since i wrap it around my scalp so tight it cuts off any feel'ns of sympathetical emotions towards anyone...

so i simply asked the simple poly blender "i get it...but do you tell ALL yer cancer patients to remove their wigs?" with a perplexed look on her face...she replied..."i'm sorry...let me ask the manager and i'll be right back"

suddenly...my friend burst out in his best center square cackle...

completely blown away that i would have the audacity to say that i had cancer to the front door fraulein...to which i simply replied..."i merely suggested...i never implied that i personally had cancer!" it's not as if my baseball cap was the size of a water buffalo and was gonna obstruct anyone's view in this over priced snobbish eatery

minutes later...the fashion popo grabbed a couple menus and said that i

was give'n the all clear by management to dine in their establishment with my large party of AA drop-outs so she seated us in the back near the kitchen as to not cause any sorta tension with the rest of the patrons no doubt...FINE...no prob!

after take'n our order...i happened to notice that the colostomy bag that

was marinate'n in ben-gay and formaldehyde dressed in her fake pearls and false teeth sitt'n across from our booth that was within ear distance of myself...was act'n like some pissed off potty trainer and stopped our waitress as she was head'n to the kitchen...inform'n her that there was a young gentleman in a cap that shant belong here...to which the waitress simply replied "he has cancer!"

my money is just as green as the next...and i will not be judged by anyone

as long as i practice proper hygiene and regularly wash my dungarees...i know all to well how to play these lil reindeer games cuz trust me...this ain't my first time at the rodeo kittens...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

unlucky in lechery

LISTEN UP...who really doesn't like to go out and have a good time...

every now and then?...even though sometimes it's a waste of time to try and keep yer composure when you just wanna break loose like a christmas goose

though i'm pretty sure a good time should not consist of gett'n pissed off like a pussy...

or on fer that matter...well unless that's yer thing

i'm not gonna name names…cuz this could've applied to any one of us

really that have experienced situations of despair/regret/sadness/loath'n to any addiction of a family member…a friend…an x (not in any particular order) due to some sorta physical....emotional....mental...substance abuse or plain fuck'n laziness reason'n

i know there were plenty of times i thought i had control of my 21+ beverage of choice…and had made numerous bad decisions…that luckily…suffered no casualties to anyone except my own stupidity one nite

 years back (yes this is my ACTUAL mug shot taken by a professionally trained correctional facility photographer...and i have to admit...though it got my ALOTTA "afternoon delights" in the middle of the nite) i'd much rather have my photographs taken in a studio with maximum light'n at my disposal when warrented (trust me...florescent light'n rarely is yer friend no matter who you are)

one day i woke up and made the decision to learn from my mistakes...

and change any and ALL future outcomes of said nite

from turn'n into a massive mistake i would never be able to live down

i never considered myself dependant of any harmful "crutch"

though i have to admit...Madonna & Boy have set me back a few thousand coins over the years...and worth every ramen noodle nite i hadda suffer from time to time

the only one that's ever really gett'n hurt here is my piggy bank...

but i'm learn'n to deal with that one step at a time!

i've always been a social drinker…

though there have been times in the past…that i knew i was bein' a bit TOO social at times...but in my own defense...I AM IRISH...i get a pass

so let it go!

i rarely have stock of any alcoholic beverages in my humble shitbox...

x-cept when entertain'n guests…and all that is not gone by parties end…is given away as a part'n gift by choice cuz i know i have an addictive personality as it is

i've see how a handful of out-of-control people in general can get…

and fer the most part...are just out to have a good time themselves...i try not a to be a finger pointer cuz i'm a pretty easy goin guy in general

BUTT…(H-E-L-L-O d-i-n-n-e-r)

recently...i unfortunately had front row seats to a social butterfly...

who i've known fer a while now...go from a fun party person…

to a complete parody…when they mistook my sleep'n bed...

 as their own personal flower bed and decided to water the garden the back of my smurf pj's at 5 am one morn'n

now...it all depends on how you wanna look at the situation...

some might say...well incontinence is just a temporary inconvenience...but fuck it!...this was MY fantasy land that ended with NO happy ferry tail in the end...if you wanted to cum...then you should'a at least come prepared

much like an unplanned pregnancy...i just want this to all go away...

but unfortunately...a coat hanger will not cure this STEAMY situation...so now i'm stuck with that homemade work of incontinence on my sealy posture peedy to remind me i should'a just listened to Nancy in the 80's and said "JUST SAY NO!"

UGGGGGGGGGGGGH!...now get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt. 2

so if you were one of those all wrapped up with the unwrapp'n and the...

unravel'n of Elmer Fudd the current clown fuckery administration that has spawned yet another deflated pasty ass lie'n sack of raisin rancher shit gett'n caught with his hands in the cooked up jar of aid'n and abett'n with the enemy...just try'na cover up fer the current commander in chief

that bloated narcissistic Twitter bitch'n clown in the White House and his highly delusional accusations that the last great president we had in years...wire tapped his phone...in his OWN ego bloated shit palace (just wait and see kittens)...you missed out on thee most tragically unmagically intrigue'n story of non espionage of the year...so catch up on pt. 1 here slow poker

and now...thee most ear bleed'n irritate'n continuation to thee worst vaca... 

fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

so there i was...goin all Veruca Salt in the middle of the Monte Carlo...cuz apparently Miss Sarkisian was bit by the flu bug...

and though i completely understand that even Oscar winn'n celebs...like herself...can fall under the weather every now and then...i was in absolutely no mood fer any more disappointments that day...so at the very least...

she could'a sent me a complimentary (and very much deserved and very much needed at this point kittens...i mean COME ON ME...it had been 7 whole days...i had suffered enough...kapeesh!) goodie basket with the usual complimentary spermicidal jams and jellies to my room...along with a room of my own of course...

cuz i had just come (well not in that way pervie) to the realization that i am now stuck at the mercy of Edina and the bitch troll from trumpville hell until morn'n

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

but when life gives you a basket of unwanted lemons...the best thing to do is to find a good bartender that knows how to do a good rim job...and thankfully it was a unanimous decision we could all agree upon and found him ready to rim us in Paris 

(though i was pretty sure i was the only one on his "menu")

after a few unconscious cocktails...we decided to walk them off thru the streets of Paris...but Edina grabbed a handful of Mexican fiesta corn nuts from her CVS bag and started choke'n on 'em

i was absolutely mortified...i couldn't believe what was happen'n to her...in front of ME...luckily fer her...my instincts kicked in and i sprang into action...by doin' what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do in this situation...i started walk'n really fast down the streets of Paris...hopped a gondola and sailed away to the streets of Berlin...(unfortunately...that was all in my head) but as she started up chuck'n in her bag (kittens...no visual aids are needed here...we ALL know what happens I'm sure) i figered she'd be fine...

all i wanted to do was find my emergency box of calgon and drift away

once she was able to catch her breath after hack'n up half her lunch...she says "oh my god...there must'a been dust on those nuts!"...(oh if i gotta quarter every time i hadda say that...well...I'd have about $3.75) then i remember Miss Bernhard tell'n me the exact same story how she suffered the same fate many moons ago at the Stardust Hotel in Vegas...but then Edina started doin the sugar shuffle so as she skipped to the loo...without me darl'in...

i was stuck with the Lord Cheeto zombie troll from H-E-double hockey stix...with the personality of a used enema...who couldn't stop ripp'n on all the people around us to shreds...from the 2 tulips sniffers hold'n hands...to the the bad bi-leveled beauty cupcakes in crop tops...now listen here kittens...i'm no judgmental judy unless it's warranted...and trust me...there was an APB out on her double A double snakes...she actually showed me the 2 pairs of spanx she had on tucked under her shirts...and trust me...they were scream'n bloody murder at the seams...

then of course by the time Edina had returned all hell had broken loose when she seen about that scum suck'n scrotal sack Flynn resign'n from the clown fuckery show cuz of his shenanigans with Putin ...and the on goin protests concern'n the travel ban on immigrants...she just wouldn't shut the fuck up about how the democrats and Hillary lovers (insert me here along with over 64 mill more) needed to just get over it...cuz she lied and that's why she lost...she of course would try to explain to me how EVERYONE wanted him in the office to help turn the country around fer the better of everyone...since we were so fucked up the fer past 8 years...

hmmm?

but at this point...i was in no position to argue with this obviously delusional fuck'n sawed off nutcase who drank all the damn "juice" durin' the election...like i wanted to...i was just begg'n to get smacked up side the head by some window pane...cuz i was just tired of this pain in the A double snakes

finally...by 2ish in the am hours...we convinced Edina to call it a nite from loose'n any more of her precious Abe Licoln's cuz there's still plenty of time in the next 3 days to loose even more...but before i could start count'n sheep...i was asked one more time if a was a serial killer

at this point i never felt so much empathy fer serial cheaters...all i wanted to do was to wake up and escape her clutches

and 4 hours later i would do just that...as i could see dawn come'n thru the crack in the curtains...i  knew i hadda make my escape...no matter what the cost...as i popp'd on my cell to hunt fer a hotel so i wouldn't have to sell my dignity for the lowest dollar that early A.M. morn'n...i was S.O.L cuz apparently you hadda pay for cell service when inside the hotel room...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

i was about to say 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck it!...i've sold myself down worse rivers in the past before...thankfully though...when Edina arose from her narcoleptic nap...she offered to log onto her laptop and find me a place in the area...and luckily fer me...she found me my very own room at a steal of a deal she said at the Flamingo...so i punched in my card info and booked the room fer the next 2 nites no matter what the cost...

$95 a nite was much better than $200 per nite...but then i thought...WAIT!...don't put yer card info into her computer or i would be broke by the time i flew back home...so i clicked the back button to cancel the requested room...but as the wart hog from hell awoke...i no longer cared about a lil fraud on my account...i just wanted the fuck outta this unwanted cage i was forced into thanx to (insert name here)...so i hit the forward button...and to my surprise...i hit the lotto cuz the room was now slashed in half to $45 and i immediately booked my next 2 nites at the Flamingo

then i remembered that i would be bask'n in the presence where one Miss Elvira once made her big boobage break thru back in the 80's and perhaps...maybe the same could happen to ME!

as the trump troll showered...me and Edina would chatter about her biz and her boys bad habits over a slice of her fabulous lemon poppy seed cake that she had brought with...but once the troll emerged from the showers...i hadda suffer fer 15 more minutes thru her story about how her only son had dated this girl fer 3 months then "stuck his penis into her vagina" (and that is a direct quote) but then broke up with her and now she was "damaged" fer any other man and he was gonna "stick your penis in another vagina?"...then claims to tell me that her hubby said she was the only snatch that matched his pipes!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

at this point i knew i was about to spontaneously combust...but decided to be cordial and thanked them both fer their generous hospitality and hoped the troll would have a safe trip to back to the planet earth someday...there was no time like the present fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe to finally click my clod-hoppers and disappear like a herpe on a hooker...so i asked them what was the best way to get to the Flamingo hotel...

with a bit of a perplexed look on their faces...Edina says to me 

"but honey...yer already at the Flamingo hotel!'

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

tune in next week fer the unconscious conclusion to 

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles

now get off my dress!