HICKORY DICKORY MOCKORY

picture it kittens the year was 2002 and i was on hiatus from live'n my

infamous life as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer roughly 2 years at this point all cuz of some egregiously disingenuous discuntled 1891 dime store Dame Edna bowel movement that i had the displeasure of work'n with fer roughly 4 years

while the musical world lost it's biggest power couple at the moment TIMBER~SPEARS who bought one way tickets to splitsville

which gave birth to the pissed off princess of pop AVRIL LAVIGNE with delicious ditties like "SK8ER BOI" "I DON'T GIVE" and "COMPLICATED"  among many many others (ps...side note kittens...she's still pissed as fuck and i'm live'n fer every minute of it with her latest mad gems "BITE ME" and "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU HATE ME" with the full album dropp'n feb 25th...yer welcome)

with the music industry grasp'n at straws fer the next biggest hit maker

to make them millions...they decided they hadda turn the tables at their formula factory by lett'n remote controlled judgmental judy taco tuesday slugs across the country phone in to pick their latest must-have sell-by-date musical sensation that would churn out starlets and soup canned contestants with KELLY CLARKSON lead'n the pack by become'n the 1st that i can freely admit i was absofuckinlutely root'n for from the very start…

that managed to churn out 3 more notable sensations (albeit non 1st placers) however ADAM JENNIFER and CHRIS ended up as 1st placers on the charts durin' in its entire 15 seasons and in my external hard drive catalog (so if you disagree with me write yer senator and bite me twat scratchers) on that cringe worthy competition series AMERICAN'S IDLE

then there were those who were plucked from obscurity thanx to the latest

at home music studio and a computer camera called youtube that vommited out vacuously saccharinated pimple popper’s like JUSTIN BIEBER who blew the teener biebers unsolicited box apart when he was discovered online which spring boarded him into the biggest internet sensation that year with his hit "BABY" which unfortunately skyrocketed his unconscious career

well it would only be a year later in 2003 when a mothers egg would hatch 

a lil puke bucket named DANIELLE BREGOLI that 14 years later in 2017 would turn into the spawn of satan's mistress who subliminally forced you to ram a knitt'n needle in yer ear by become'n the next annoyingly talentless piece of mundane dribble pissed youtube sensation thanx to an appearance on some equally incredulous therapeutic daytime dreadful daddy talk show who goes by BHAD BHABIE though these days she's best known to the brain dead biscuits brigade as the "CASH ME OUTSIDE" girl

and just when you think the internet couldn't sink any lower...out vomits this 33 year old talentless tiktok'n maxi padder AMI BIBABI with her rectally regurgitated bump and grinder pile of diarrhea "CHIN UP" that i unfortunately would succumb to an absolute built in migraine from the very first beat once i clicked on the link...nonetheless i suffered thru it til to the end fer research purposes only and yes kittens i do realize i'm only breath'n validation into their very excruciate’n existence by showcase'n their viciously vile voice on my platform around the world

though to be fair...us gen X-er's did have to suffer thru unmeasurable discomfort in 1986 with peddle push’n pastel pusher CROCKETT's "HEARTBEAT"

BUTT...it don't stop there

who doesn't love a duet? the 60's gave us the RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS

 these brothers though not connected by blood were connected instead by their cool style'n and rose to stardom with their #1 smooth ditty "YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVIN' FEELING" 

the 70's gave us those soft core pornage sounds from SEALS AND CROFT with their 8-track hit "SUMMER BREEZE"

the 80's gave us those ass shake'n brit boys WHAM! with their walk of shame bubble gum hit "WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO"

by the time the 90's had begun we hadda deal with the boys from EXCREMENT...oh wait...i'm sorry i mean EXTREME and their sappy syrup "MORE THAN WORDS" which was more than i could handle before the dramamine kicked in

unfortunately since the new millennium began there has been little to zero 

support fer brotherly bond'n duets that would be stuck in our anterior cingulate cortex of our noggin on repeat…that is until last years nauseous ejaculation of  "I'M AN ISLAND BOY"  heaved up by real life southern floriadian free-style'n tin foiled grill'n toilet bowl brush'n twosome FRANKY and ALEX VENEGAS though they're most notably known by their tough as talcum powder stage persona's KODIYAKREDD and FLYYSOULJA 

all i can say is WUT DAH FUQERY iz wrong wit youz turpentine toke'n 

tiktok'n teenie tater tots turn'n these twatwaffles into instant oatmeal celebs? i literally feel the need to run to CVS and slam a couple of clorox shooters and give myself a home lobotomy pubic perm every time someone sends me these links…just STOP IT!

i S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y weep fer the future of music

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

pass'n out over passover

well this weeks blog was intended fer last weeks audience...

but unfortunately it was preempted by the untimely pass'n of the lil Purple Paisley man 

but unfortunately...that wasn't the only sad new of this past week...

so without any further interruptions...on with the program...

another holiglazed season is upon us once again that began at sundown…

last fri...then why is this overlooked holiday completely left outta the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super stores...if ya ask me…i say "gimme my fuck'n Passover prezzies…puhleez!"

i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts...just as is anyone in the past 2000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?...BUT

apparently the story goes as follows...when Jewbacca and his buddies were lay'n down the law of the land...some imaginationally nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the remote control) one day flipped out and went all ax-weild'n homicidal maniac on everyone...who then "passed over" the homes of the "penny pinchers" 

while slay'n everyone else's first born pile of crappy pants…

in some city far far away…

though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that's…another story

see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it's disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of these winners on the American Idol program...cuz no one else does these days

(that was NOT a paid endorsement)

how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?

it's one of the last exploitative days left in the calendar year that's not be give'n some sorta money make'n celebratory mindwarp...NEXT!

though this past weekend proved to be a bit of a celebratory...

holiday of it's own with the remembrance of a MN legend...many friends bday's and one bad nite...which could be perfectly summed up with a lil ditty from Miss Sophie Ellis- Bextor...when my precious...PRECIOUS...P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S pink UV blockers that i had only adopted but one week earlier...and had only managed to get in 2 unworthy publishable selfies in them...before they were ruthlessly...but unintentionally...murdered in a drunken rage on the dance floor...by a very dearly hurt'n kitten of mine...who was left in stitches...and NOT from laugh'n...

then i had a flash back...

a not so long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years at the time…who…at times…could be a complete kitten...

and at other times was completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf Franzia…that he stored conveniently inside a trick pocket he master minded himself...well cuz the price of bein' an intoxicated catastrophe was become'n much too spendy...rang me one sunny sunday funday afternoon to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice

though i would'a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drank shots of DRANO…i was in need petrol in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on to see how long my patience would last

by the time i had reached my headache...i remembered his name...

DANZILLA...(fer obvious reasons you'll find out soon enough as this mess will progress)...had eyes like the emerald city…a thick black mane atop his noggin with butterfly lashes to match…and lips made out of precious pink pillows..that i wanted to punch numerous times in manysituations

WAIT!!...lemme back it up a bit…

DANZILLA had recently checked outta this very posh…"state run" hotel

after his court ordered year lease was up fer fulfill'n his contractual obligations…and she was ready to go bat shit crazy (or just maybe that's why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went

first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was thee appropriately chosen…

by DANZILLA...and of course he became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order'n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh appletini

though i was the designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn't hurt…would it?...and anyways…i was about to

make my national debut there as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the universe that halloween…so one like myself...must learn how to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it's a free cocktail…i could afford that!

now…i'm used to said friend of 17 years & her antics and vocal range after she's filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice she could

shove in her trick pockets…on any given nite (it was like watch'n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and i was always try'n desperately to be the voice of reason…but ya can't stop an inebriated locomotive no matter how hard you try!

DANZILLA had drowned himself in 5 appletini's at this point and basically prostituted his affection for mr. bartender's attention with a $20 benjamin

after each martini he chugged down…(maybe it's cuz the bartender was a drug dealer) cuz every time he bent over…he was sell'n alotta crack…and at some point during the chaos and confusion of booze-a-pa-looser…DANZILLA had jumped into the mosh pit with a healthy gal named RUTH

however the war of words started…i had no desire to play referee!

RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA
feel'n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch "whatever fatty"…which RUTH is not mind you…she's big boned...

but…so's a stegosaurus...hey...i'm just say'n

i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until i had had enough

so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his

cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on my friends couch

one appletini : $7 buy'n some affection/attention fer yer pseudo friends: $28 know'n that you won't have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn'n: PRICELESS

moral of the stories…

FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homicidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led

to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) until we learn it was all a hoax...yet we still want our prezzies...regardless!

hmmmm...are ya see'n the connection kittens?

SECONDLY…though times like these were made for Maxwell House…

film'n that day for a YouTube video for the world to witness...would'a made those precious moments much more cherishable!

now if you don't mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy…

so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!