SPANK IT ON A BING BONG!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high hair...

very high shoulders...

and a very high life!

BUTT...nonetheless

though MICHEAL JACKSON's 1982 hit "BEAT IT" may have been a very

titallate'n subliminal message catered towards all those active testosteroned teenrage'n hormone's...it was lost in translation to me (i just seriously wanted that fuck'n killer jacket)

fer me however...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the best

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenrager years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs when my parachute pants would get so "tight" they were ready to burst at the seams many many times durin' the day (thank you trapper keeper fer keep’n me covered) which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" (that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise)

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all JEFF STRYKER with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "DANCING WITH MYSELF" "IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR" enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "COOL RIDER" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S" MAXWELL CAUFIELD is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in "GREASE 2" play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer MICHELLE PHIEFFER's affection and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "GOOD OL' BOY'S" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County (though they weren't kiss'n cuz's) they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...however...the cherry on top of his career (that i secretly wanted to be on the bottom of) would have to be when he had condoms named after him (that i do own stock in!)

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...JON was the grrrrrravey that mashed my potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey with the BIG BEN!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic "HE-MAN" appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST" with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T from tv's dramedy "THE A-TEAM" was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...i'll leave you 

alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE" on yer own

now if you wood...would you excuse me while i huff and puff and blow 

someone else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

SHAKE YER GROOVE THING

oh the 70's...what a deliciously self indulgent decade it was...fer many

 it was all about...roller disco's...disco balls and 8 balls!

however...fer many though...it was about their very high intolerance at family picnics with yer aunt Orlean's lime jell-o with mixed veggies topped  

with mayonnaise and the equally very high libido while try'na find the best visual stimulation's fer their personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulation bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple pre teen years cause'n much needed relief in my briefs so my granimals weren't filled with goo when my poly flairs...flared up more than some massage therapists eczema

thanx to Orioles baseball pitcher JIM PALMER who i discovered look'n past the vomitous JANE RUSSELL cross my heart bra ads in those thick JC Penny catalogs Joan used to get in the mail when he was the underwear daddy spokesmodel of JOCKEY unmentionables...which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" that is until you learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise but that wouldn't happen fer another 10 years

so let's take a long look back at who was hot that made them trot back

then in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 70's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger...the long dong teeter-totter sidewinder of them all mr. JOHN HOLMES who gave you more than enough bang fer yer buck with his alleged 3rd leg measure'n in at roughly 13 1/2 inches make'n many closet cases hitchhike'n to heaven on those cold lonely nites

outside of JOHNY's dearly departed throat plunger...let's look back at some of the other hotties from the heydays of hedonistic pleasures

to make you bake yer batter in the boudoir...too young to join his older brothers in the super group of the 70's "THE BEE GEES" ANDY GIBB would find fame and fortune break'n out on his own with hits like "I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTING" and "SHADOW DANCING" and made many bell bottomed boys wanna go down under this aussie's bvd's and run their fingers thru his flaxen feathered hair

known simply as the man of steel durin' the 70's...CHRISTOPHER REEVES jumped to new heights in a single bound in the movie "SUPERMAN" cause'n many kids in their khaki's to go crazy when he appeared on screen saran wrapped in those famously tight red jockeys leave'n almost nothing to the imagination

with hollyweird hits like "DELIVERANCE" and "SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT" under his belt durin' the 1970's...BURT REYNOLDS was the talk of tinsel town legends...however his titillation spread in COSMOPOLITAN magazine in 1972 made him the "daddy" that almost delivered it all

start'n out as a simple carpenter HARRISON FORD would go on to be the 7th highest gross'n mega star of all time make'n 9 billion plus in sales world wide with his films but will always be best known as the swash buckle'n smuggler of the millennium falcon who "made the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs" in the mega space soap opera of all time "STAR WARS" that had many in the 70s begg'n to be smuggled aboard his falcon by HAN himself 

become'n an international icon at just 26 years old was no small feet however MARK HAMILL would manage to whip up a frenzy whipp'n out his lightsaber across the galaxy fer the next 40 years thanx to the role as teenage spank wanker LUKE SKYWALKER in the space epic known as "STAR WARS" and there was no shortage of tulip sniffers both young and not so young thru-out the galaxy in 1977 that wanted a taste of his lightsaber

already roll'n into his "daddy" status by the time the 70's hit...CLINT EASTWOOD's lead role as San Fran's police inspector "dirty" Harry Callahan in the action packed thriller "DIRTY HARRY" (which would later regurgitate into 4 more fer the franchise) and then played an escapee in the true life thriller "ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ" that most could practically smell his masculinity permeate'n from the screen and lemme just say...CLINT turned many a wood from east to north that decade and made many "mary's" desperate fer any "dirty harry" to try and escape from their "alcatraz" before bed time

BUTT that ain't all...

musicians and movie stars weren't the only ones make'n men splatter 

their baby batter all over their macramé plant holder above their bed...insert american spanish omlet ERIK ESTRADA who was voted as one of the 10 sexiest bachelors of 1979 by PEOPLE magazine thanx to his role as hot to trot highway cop FRANK PONCHARELLO in the crime drama "CHIPS" and trust me when i say...let the "CHIPS" fall where i lay

not to be overshadowed in a family consist'n of 3 half maxi pads while bein' the middle child of 3 brothers and a schizophrenic maid...curly cued raven locked teenaged hottie PETER BRADY from the 70's campy classic comedy series "THE BRADY BUNCH" was played by the adorably crushable CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT who had all the looks...the luck and a lot to fill out his plaid pants 

fuck those saccharinated double mint blonde bitches on bikes hawk'n that shitty stale tin foiled treat...the ONLY (non) twins you wanted to double yer pleasure with in the late 70's was with those probationary moonshine'n close calescent cousins BO and LUKE DUKE down in hazzard county on the popular series "DUKES OF HAZZARD" (and boy...did they put a hitch in my giddy-up every friday nite when it was time to count sheep)

though not all head turners and trouser tighteners hadda have a chest full of hair and impeccably placed pecs...some salami smackers wanted a psychologically colorful high heeled hottie to turn on their nether regions at nite...christened ZIGGY STARDUST in '71 on the 5th release of his studio album DAVID BOWIE would gender fuck his way thru the music world fer roughly 3 years end'n his creation with the release of the motion picture "ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARS"

there u have it…my top 10 inchers fer those pocket pinchers of the 1970s

now if you wood...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone else's house down fer some pocket change so puhleez 

GET OFF MY DRESS!

pump out the jam!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high shoulders...very high hair and a very high life

but fer me though...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the

 best visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenage years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs...when my parachute pants would get "tight" many many times durin' the day...which...without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a new mean'n to the word "carpet burns"...that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all...JEFF STRYKER...with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "dancing with myself" "in the midnite hour"...enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "cool rider" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S"...Maxwell Caulfield is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in GREASE 2...play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer Michelle Phieffer's affection...and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "good ol' boys" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County...and though they weren't kiss'n cuz's...they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when Michael Schoeffling played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...but the cherry on top of his career...(that i secretly wanted to be on top of) was have'n condoms named after him....it was grrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...you knew it was time to start turn'n japanese pleez!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic HE-MAN appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST"...with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T...was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...

i'll leave you alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE"

now if you wood...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone

else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez...

get off my dress!