TYRANICAL MECHANICAL

when it comes to the corral of people i've acquired over the many years...

i've know those who are absolute whores...

and i have known those who are absolute bores! i of course have learned to balance myself in between both worlds without point'n fingers

i have had my many shares of ups and downs dur'in my Minne-apple life

and by that i mean there were times i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much of a tooth chipper they were or need'n their throat plunged

i can recall once how i had had all i could take and my cracks were about

to leak (BUTT i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite 

back in the mid millennium era durin' the holiglazed season after doin my sexual charitable act of the week (don't point yer paws at me kittens...i'm not dead) fer the low low price of 5 benjamins play'n taxi cabber to one of my longest and almost dearest friends...well there was that one incident involve'n an orange wedge stuffed with some colorful narcotic...

 that i was give'n unbeknownst to me fer an afternoon snack just fer their twisted pleasure when i lived in a 1 bedroom with 6 colorful castaways in Dinkytown back in '93 that oops'd herself into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category fer the next 6 years after i jumped out of our 2nd story bathroom...however...i’ve learned to look past the insanity of  that day & have patched up any bad blood years later

my piece of crap death mobile that i got by default thanx to catholick guilt

 from my not so dear uncle who was forced into a raisin ranch...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this one particular even'n...instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not particularly mechanically inclined to

  know exactly what it means when things start to rattle and shake concern'n my mobile especially when the lights started flicker'n on my dashboard like they were compete'n at some downtown disco competition...my simple thought process just told me immediately that if i don't wanna hear the clank'n and clatter'n...pull up yer culottes like any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe with a personal disdain fer mechanics in general and just solve the problem on yer own by turn'n the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and *POOF* problem solved...right?

well eventually i was gett'n exhausted by my shitty car's exhaust slowly

consume'n the oxygen inside of my car as i rolled the windows down before i was down and out behind the wheel and in the end suffered thru the indignation of the black friday chaos with no immediate p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead to the store thus denied the red carpet treatment that i thought i deserved at this point

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...

with the bedless...bathless and beyond annoy'n pack of black friday wolves...we finally packed up our purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

once outside to start the car...it decided to start give'n me smart aleck

 back talk immediately as i turned the key and although i chanted some delusional meaningless nam you renge kyo's to the universe...my fuck'n shit mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than my libido at that point

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber as calm as a cuntasaurus can be 

at this point after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to defuse my blown out fuse and to use one of her last lifelines with me and phone a friend

about 60 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n (at no cost...to date) he just asked fer my insurance policy and had me sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read my serial killer penmanship and said "i don't need yer cell number sir" i replied slyly "don't be so sure!" he clapped back with "i just need yer name" to which i seductively said "you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers at the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

unfortunately as i turned the key once again with my fingers crossed...FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...thankfully a passerby didn’t pass me by and jumped me…i mean my car and off i was once again...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital to figer out what the actual fickle stix was actually wrong with my cartastrophe

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged scalp...in concert sing'n back-up with LORETTA LYNN's "YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN" then all of a sudden F-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K! a few blocks from my destination i noticed that my dashboard started back at the discotheque with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go back into ape shit mode... 

cuz i was drive'n behind Miss Colostomy Bag 2016 in who was move'n at the speed of Helen Keller in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough 

and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...damn! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away however i had ants in my pants and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF or Throatplungers.com i can’t remember off hand to be honest

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads

logged off their accounts in droves and logged in my exact coordinance into their GPS systems...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n that morn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent although after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes from turn'n into a popsicle if i'd just give them a jump before they jumped my car (i cannot confirm nor deny that last scenario just happened to pop in my head as i recalled this day)

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest expired H2O and offered a complimentary hand job in the john by some John (hey…it could happen!) unfortunately they only encourage ritual bathin's plus it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...it's just a luxury if you have them all

needless to say...i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 more benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap before i planned on leave'n town to Peetrinella's xmas exchange so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place to begin with and of course he try'd explain'n his way outta it in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

nevertheless...i figered my only solution at this point in life was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy lip service agent and then some meat headed mechanic to fuck like my X so i don't get fuck'd over ever again! hope you enjoyed my ride from H-E-double hockey stix...oh and just to be proactive here...i'm take'n applications fer future mechanics with throat plunge'n payment plans so PM me yer deets

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

PRIDE!

with the PRIDE faggotery of festivities come'n to a close around the globe

brand new confectious infections are inducted into the STD halls of flamers...as the malignant muscled mary's shake off the remain'n glitter embedded into their over priced barely there underwear...

and HOME DEPOT gives birth to a new crop of cantankerous crop tops

and i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...settled down into funky town to turn someone's frown upside down...or at the very least...to my amusement

very late...one uninterested summer afternoon undelight...in the world of fornicational follies known as SCRUFF...i found myself flipp'n thru the fuckage from around the globe and came across a long distance unfair love...who would simply be known as DA to me...and was only a few short 225 miles away...inquire'n what i was doin...to which i simply replied...

hey...they were the first peeps to pop into my mind at that time...this one particular afternoon...i mean...why wouldn't you have these established and accomplished melodic ma'ams and ma'amesses in yer dvd collection?

apparently...my long distance sperm worm wanted to make a sacrificial facial in my honor...so he didn't particularly appreciate my humorless response and decided to toss me some 'tude...

really?...HOW RUDE!...

but then the mayor of hornyville...mr. paddy caker...thought about it fer a minute and decided...hmmm...perhaps i (mean'n he) should'a been a bit more specific...too which i could only come up with one suitable answer...i think you would agree!

needless to say...he wasn't too damn happy to get this news...

and summoned the kracken from within the depths of his desperately empty soul...and blocked my A double snakes fer eternity

well...i'm just here to tell you how fuck'd up i am about the whole damn situation...

but i'm sure i'll find a way to get over this with a lil "spirited medicine"

now get off my dress!

a whole lotta nutt'n goin' on!

a few months back...at the beginn'n of last year...a friend of mine asked if i'd like to help celebrate his last year in his 30's...before he had to start stitch'n a gown and have it completed in time for his AARP discount card

destination: OPRAHVILLE

but since i had already planned on sell'n my soul fer MADONNA tickets

i hadda decline...but he decided to gimme his miles and take care of my room...as long as i got him drunk...so what gurl wouldn't skip-to-my-lou!

well...let me tell ya...what happens in gaytown...doesn't necessarily stay in gaytown...sometimes it falls into a lovely  little blog center piece...BUT...

i have more tackling issues to resolve these days...like which base...lipstick and eyeliner looks good on you when shopp'n fer tasty spermicidal jams and jellies...NOT!

so...where shall i begin?...hmmm...i know...how about THE HEELS!

OH FER SHAME!...they had THEE most brilliant glittered green 6 inch Louboutin knock off pieces of heaven at my fav-o-rit heel haunt in gaytown...but only ONE PAIR to be had...i felt like Cinder-fuck'n-fella gett'n ready to rumble...as they were a ½ size TOO SHORT for my hooves!....(i knew i should gotten my feet bound like a lil geisha girl at the tender and supple age of 25...like most do...right?)

of course ya can't have heels without hair...am i right ladies and gentiles?

so...not 1...but 2 platinum blondes later...the 1st one very Veronica Lake

the 2nd pile of synthetic follicles was very Kate Pierson of B-52's fame

and Krystal's 1st EVER...pearl necklace...made entirely outta krystals...

not that this was MY 1st pearl necklace mind you...*wink*wink*wink*

(hey Krystal ain't called the dirty gurl fer nutt'n) 

but this was the 1st one i ever had to pay for in my life!

another Krystal 1st was the purchase of what i thought would look like...

shapely Marilyn Monroe-esque hip shappers...

turned out to look more like i was toast'n hamburger buns on my hips...so i'll need to do some altercations before i would ever wear them in public

so now what you've been wait'n fer...the hedonistic portion of my vacation

i'll make this short~n~sweet...without gett'n yer mind all sticky!

though i am unable to connect to...since i'm still apparently live'n in the stone ages of communicado with my rotary style flip phone...(at the time)

but was WELL educated with my flock of mo's i was in town with...the art of GRINDER and SCRUFF the entire weekend!

i cannot comment on their shenanigans...as i was not present fer all 10 or so of them...let's just say...i don't want...nor desire the need to be on some electronical dart board of self consciousness at every given moment...

even if my flock decided they couldn't walk 2 feet without check'n in and check'n out within the 50 ft radius of raw animalistic instincts around them...not judge'n...just say'n!

i...on the other hand...was focused on my mission of gett'n a new frock and in no mood to do the walk of shame from some piper fitter's porch at 4 am

look'n to poach my eggs...who's shelf life was pretty much about to go bad!

that is...until nite number 3...

when my temporary non heterosexual sexually charged bed buddy...whom i found attractive...but was not attract to sexually...decided to be an out-a-towner at some tally whacker's palace fer nite #2 and #3 (since i wasn't need'n any nutt'n) after another fun nite of bar hopp'n and bedroom eyes all around...i returned back to the hotel...alone

unable to count sheep...i decided to take a drive along the informational highway at 3 am to see if there were any hitch hikers that needed a lift

why not!

at 1st it was the usual A double snakers that wouldn't leave you alone

followed up by the desperado villagers that lost out at last call by bar close

then...it's as if the pearly gates flung w-i-d-e open (and YES...read all you want into that)...let the pun(s) begin!

this non heterosexually charged adonis hits me up...and turns out he's only 1 1/2 blocks away from my hotel room...hmmm...OH MY CHER what to do?

WHAT TO DO?

well...since i'm a guest in gaytown...and had the room to myself...i thought to myself...i said self...how many times in the past 15 years that you've been cruise'n along the informational highway...hit on by some adonis...
only to show up to some bad false advertisement nightmare? FUCK THAT!

they're either some mr. magoo and master of their own misery

or some twink with no dink...look'n more like some miss'n link...into kink!

then why the hell am i dress'n up to march myself over to him?

(ummm...cuz yer like a moth to a flame)...oh yea...that's right!

so down the hall to the elevator...and out the front doora...

thru the streets of some fairly unknown city at 3 am...fer some good ol' sodom and gomorrah!

though i'm not much of a gambler these days...and even though cabrini green was no where near where i was stay'n...nor carries the same horror stories as it once did back in the day...it had been over 90 days...and the revirginalization process had just begun...kittens...i suffered ENOUGH!

as i made my way up the elevator to the dark shawdow's apartment...

i figered 2 things were most likely goin' to happen to me:

#1 his photo is a complete fake and i am no desperado villager...so at the very least...i will have gotten my cardio done fer the day

#2 he's some ax wield'n homocidal maniac...in which case...it's always a good rule of thumb to leave the number and address where you are goin' at the current place you are stay'n...so it'll make it easier fer the cops...

to locate yer body...so i always put my angela lansbury cap on when venture'n to unknown territories

turns out all the rules were thrown out the door...cuz when i walked thru what would now come-2-b-known as the "pearly gates"...i won the long shot!

as the door opens...i hesitate briefly before invite'n myself in...his cherry red ikea fold out couch looks like a million bucks in his studio shitbox...

as did his split bamboo curtains from target's safari collection

we stare...look'n into each others eyes...at our reflections...make'n sure we're picture perfect in case the camera's were roll'n

it's as if he had just walked off the cover of someone's fav-o-rit porn mag

(no need to adjust yer vision kittens...this is ACTUALLY HIM in full bloom)

he wraps his incredibly toned arms around me...

carress'n my incredibly toned A double snakes

we fall dramatically backwards into his couch bed...which was remarkably open...and as i leaned over to turn off the lamp and the modular furniture

faded into the mist...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't be kissed in years...and he wanted me...he wanted me inside him...but all of a sudden i said STOP!...do you have any rubbers?

would you mind putt'n one on?...while yer at it...make it 2!

and i would feel just a whole alot better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area...we all know we've both been around!

i stopped...in the name of love

but i just wanted him to know...that no matter where...no matter how far...i want him to be able to look up into the sky and wish on his lucky star...cuz if he should ever need me...i'll be there in a hurry on that he can depend...

and mister (what's yer name again?) please don't e-v-e-r worry!

ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no valley low enough...ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you hoo!

hmmmm... i know i've heard that somewhere before?

he asked fer my name...and i thought what's the harm in that bit of info...

"BITCH...I'M MADONNA!"

anyways...all in all...i give his performance...3 1/2 monkey spanks outta 4

well...that's my trip kittens...hope you enjoyed yer voyeuristic view and fer those gett'n ready to point fingers and judge...i assure you...no money...or canned goods were exchanged...just 2 ships that passed in the horny nite!

now get off my dress!