i've know those who are absolute whores...
and i have known those who are absolute bores! i of course have learned to balance myself in between both worlds without point'n fingers
i have had my many shares of ups and downs dur'in my Minne-apple life
and by that i mean there were times i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much of a tooth chipper they were or need'n their throat plunged
i can recall once how i had had all i could take and my cracks were about
to leak (BUTT i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)
so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite
back in the mid millennium era durin' the holiglazed season after doin my sexual charitable act of the week (don't point yer paws at me kittens...i'm not dead) fer the low low price of 5 benjamins play'n taxi cabber to one of my longest and almost dearest friends...well there was that one incident involve'n an orange wedge stuffed with some colorful narcotic...
that i was give'n unbeknownst to me fer an afternoon snack just fer their twisted pleasure when i lived in a 1 bedroom with 6 colorful castaways in Dinkytown back in '93 that oops'd herself into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category fer the next 6 years after i jumped out of our 2nd story bathroom...however...i’ve learned to look past the insanity of that day & have patched up any bad blood years later
my piece of crap death mobile that i got by default thanx to catholick guilt
from my not so dear uncle who was forced into a raisin ranch...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this one particular even'n...instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend
now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not particularly mechanically inclined to
know exactly what it means when things start to rattle and shake concern'n my mobile especially when the lights started flicker'n on my dashboard like they were compete'n at some downtown disco competition...my simple thought process just told me immediately that if i don't wanna hear the clank'n and clatter'n...pull up yer culottes like any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe with a personal disdain fer mechanics in general and just solve the problem on yer own by turn'n the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and *POOF* problem solved...right?
well eventually i was gett'n exhausted by my shitty car's exhaust slowly
consume'n the oxygen inside of my car as i rolled the windows down before i was down and out behind the wheel and in the end suffered thru the indignation of the black friday chaos with no immediate p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead to the store thus denied the red carpet treatment that i thought i deserved at this point
after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...
with the bedless...bathless and beyond annoy'n pack of black friday wolves...we finally packed up our purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!
once outside to start the car...it decided to start give'n me smart aleck
back talk immediately as i turned the key and although i chanted some delusional meaningless nam you renge kyo's to the universe...my fuck'n shit mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than my libido at that point
at this point after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...
she decided to defuse my blown out fuse and to use one of her last lifelines with me and phone a friend
about 60 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me
by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake
(and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers at the gym
insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...
unfortunately as i turned the key once again with my fingers crossed...FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...
i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...thankfully a passerby didn’t pass me by and jumped me…i mean my car and off i was once again...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital to figer out what the actual fickle stix was actually wrong with my cartastrophe
a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air
blow'n thru my follically challenged scalp...in concert sing'n back-up with LORETTA LYNN's "YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN" then all of a sudden F-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K! a few blocks from my destination i noticed that my dashboard started back at the discotheque with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go back into ape shit mode...
cuz i was drive'n behind Miss Colostomy Bag 2016 in who was move'n at the speed of Helen Keller in a burn'n build'n
i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough
and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...damn! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?
once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...
i was told the ETA was just an hour away however i had ants in my pants and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but
also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF or Throatplungers.com i can’t remember off hand to be honest
request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads
logged off their accounts in droves and logged in my exact coordinance into their GPS systems...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n that morn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent although after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes from turn'n into a popsicle if i'd just give them a jump before they jumped my car (i cannot confirm nor deny that last scenario just happened to pop in my head as i recalled this day)
my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were
well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...
i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest expired H2O and offered a complimentary hand job in the john by some John (hey…it could happen!) unfortunately they only encourage ritual bathin's plus it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...it's just a luxury if you have them all
needless to say...i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way
and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 more benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap before i planned on leave'n town to Peetrinella's xmas exchange so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place to begin with and of course he try'd explain'n his way outta it in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...
nevertheless...i figered my only solution at this point in life was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy lip service agent and then some meat headed mechanic to fuck like my X so i don't get fuck'd over ever again! hope you enjoyed my ride from H-E-double hockey stix...oh and just to be proactive here...i'm take'n applications fer future mechanics with throat plunge'n payment plans so PM me yer deets
but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
