TYRANICAL MECHANICAL

when it comes to the corral of people i've acquired over the many years...

i've know those who are absolute whores...

and i have known those who are absolute bores! i of course have learned to balance myself in between both worlds without point'n fingers

i have had my many shares of ups and downs dur'in my Minne-apple life

and by that i mean there were times i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much of a tooth chipper they were or need'n their throat plunged

i can recall once how i had had all i could take and my cracks were about

to leak (BUTT i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite 

back in the mid millennium era durin' the holiglazed season after doin my sexual charitable act of the week (don't point yer paws at me kittens...i'm not dead) fer the low low price of 5 benjamins play'n taxi cabber to one of my longest and almost dearest friends...well there was that one incident involve'n an orange wedge stuffed with some colorful narcotic...

 that i was give'n unbeknownst to me fer an afternoon snack just fer their twisted pleasure when i lived in a 1 bedroom with 6 colorful castaways in Dinkytown back in '93 that oops'd herself into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category fer the next 6 years after i jumped out of our 2nd story bathroom...however...i’ve learned to look past the insanity of  that day & have patched up any bad blood years later

my piece of crap death mobile that i got by default thanx to catholick guilt

 from my not so dear uncle who was forced into a raisin ranch...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this one particular even'n...instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not particularly mechanically inclined to

  know exactly what it means when things start to rattle and shake concern'n my mobile especially when the lights started flicker'n on my dashboard like they were compete'n at some downtown disco competition...my simple thought process just told me immediately that if i don't wanna hear the clank'n and clatter'n...pull up yer culottes like any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe with a personal disdain fer mechanics in general and just solve the problem on yer own by turn'n the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and *POOF* problem solved...right?

well eventually i was gett'n exhausted by my shitty car's exhaust slowly

consume'n the oxygen inside of my car as i rolled the windows down before i was down and out behind the wheel and in the end suffered thru the indignation of the black friday chaos with no immediate p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead to the store thus denied the red carpet treatment that i thought i deserved at this point

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...

with the bedless...bathless and beyond annoy'n pack of black friday wolves...we finally packed up our purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

once outside to start the car...it decided to start give'n me smart aleck

 back talk immediately as i turned the key and although i chanted some delusional meaningless nam you renge kyo's to the universe...my fuck'n shit mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than my libido at that point

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber as calm as a cuntasaurus can be 

at this point after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to defuse my blown out fuse and to use one of her last lifelines with me and phone a friend

about 60 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n (at no cost...to date) he just asked fer my insurance policy and had me sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read my serial killer penmanship and said "i don't need yer cell number sir" i replied slyly "don't be so sure!" he clapped back with "i just need yer name" to which i seductively said "you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers at the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

unfortunately as i turned the key once again with my fingers crossed...FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...thankfully a passerby didn’t pass me by and jumped me…i mean my car and off i was once again...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital to figer out what the actual fickle stix was actually wrong with my cartastrophe

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged scalp...in concert sing'n back-up with LORETTA LYNN's "YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN" then all of a sudden F-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K! a few blocks from my destination i noticed that my dashboard started back at the discotheque with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go back into ape shit mode... 

cuz i was drive'n behind Miss Colostomy Bag 2016 in who was move'n at the speed of Helen Keller in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough 

and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...damn! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away however i had ants in my pants and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF or Throatplungers.com i can’t remember off hand to be honest

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads

logged off their accounts in droves and logged in my exact coordinance into their GPS systems...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n that morn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent although after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes from turn'n into a popsicle if i'd just give them a jump before they jumped my car (i cannot confirm nor deny that last scenario just happened to pop in my head as i recalled this day)

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest expired H2O and offered a complimentary hand job in the john by some John (hey…it could happen!) unfortunately they only encourage ritual bathin's plus it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...it's just a luxury if you have them all

needless to say...i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 more benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap before i planned on leave'n town to Peetrinella's xmas exchange so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place to begin with and of course he try'd explain'n his way outta it in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

nevertheless...i figered my only solution at this point in life was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy lip service agent and then some meat headed mechanic to fuck like my X so i don't get fuck'd over ever again! hope you enjoyed my ride from H-E-double hockey stix...oh and just to be proactive here...i'm take'n applications fer future mechanics with throat plunge'n payment plans so PM me yer deets

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A BOUNTIFUL BUFFET

it's that time of the year again to help propagate the propaganda of that

delusionally delightful dinner often turn'n into a dreary dreadful discombobulated dilemma with the gather'n of guests once anal auntie Agnes inspects the three bean salad only to find out it had been made with just 2 noticeable bean families and then proceeds to bitch about it fer the rest of the nite…

sound'n like she's been gargle'n on lighter fluid fer the past 30 years from puff'n on her virginia slims menthol lights on the front porch to anyone pass'n by with their tin foiled leftover slop encased between 2 flimsy dollar store paper plates 

which includes a very generous portion of her unflavored gelatinous hard boiled egg/shrimp surprise fer dessert that no one dared touch at the table…that we all know is just the catalyst propagated by the many corporations...turn'n regularly insensitive assholes into aggressively argumentative zombified anal-warts line'n up outside the many department stores by 10pm

savagely hunt'n fer the latest and greatest piece of over priced crap they can't live without fer 24 hrs...turn'n into callous cuntasaurus's when they can't find what they can't live without to the minimally paid staff forced to skip their dinners to appease their boss's bottom line who are already barely scrape'n by with their wits and their underpaid wealth 

made by the skillful calloused hands of Herminio and his classmates

all packaged up in an unbelievable fantasy that comes 4 weeks later about some jolly burglar that'll come down yer chimney at least once a year...but that's...another story!

it made me reflect on what it is that i'm really thankful for fer most of my

existence...though immediate family should be apparently has to be recognized just to save face when it comes time to make sure yer part of the read'n of the will...there has been many more important influences that have molded me to be who i am today 

one of my 1st biggest influences of acceptance was when my grama Viola recognized i was bitten by the 80's gender bender bug while i was live'n with her in my late early teen years who tore down her brown polyester curtains in her live'n room one afternoon just to stitch me my very fer taste of the spotlight

however...i'd like to go waaay back where it all began...i could not and most likely would not...be who i am today if it wasn't fer the enormous generosity of the HALL family that took me in durin' the roughest patch in my life and guided me in the right direction in the late 80's...when i was but a lost kitten without a scratch'n post or a pot to piss in...litterally

of course i'm ever beyond grateful fer my very dear dear incredibly infectious friendship with the one and only Peetrinella fer encourage'n me to go under that pink gelled spotlight many moons ago and push'n me to become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am today (and not just cuz she knows exactly what to get me ALMOST every year fer the past 30+ years on my b'day and xmas...but trust me...it helps *wink*wink)

plus i am eternally grateful & thankful that i am thee only revered unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer all of you kittens who have followed my ramblin's fer the past 12 years...cuz without you...well...i'd be just a whore in heels without no wheels in motion

BUTT wait...there's more

i'm eternally thankful fer the brilliance of filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE

who called it fer the dems a month before the mid term elections...thanx in HUGE part to the decision of the supreme court ripp'n the reproductive rights out of the maxi padders hands essentially make'n them 2nd class citizens again...

which was pushed by this pasty ass pansy pouter...

turn'n the GOP's much anticipated red tsunami blood bath

into a laughable drip as 106 election deny'n dipshitters (with more to come most likely) who puckered their chapped lips around the dilapidated anal entrance of their mentally deranged orange puffer fished emperor with no clue lost their race!

insert modest humility here 

i'm also thankful fer the many many many laughs of watch'n the folks

at FAUX SNOOZE and other G.O.Pee'rs soiled in their sanctimonious shit shorts on a loop after they boasted fer weeks how they were goin to bury the dems in the sand...murdoch outlets gloat'n with headlines like "repuglicunts will win the house by 50 seats!" and "repuglicunts will take control of the senate with four new seats!"

fortunately...democracy in peril was just a badly hyped dream as they only got the house by the skin of their chinless chin and COULD NOT UNSEAT ONE DEM in the senate!

and lastly i'm very thankful i will no longer have to worry about send'n out 

any sorta christmas cards or wedd'n invitations or swapp'n my snappy and spicy snicker-doodle recipe to ANY of these sexually depraved dysentery dipshits who voted against bills 

to protect same-sexy sex'ers 

and interracially inclined facials from walk'n down the aisle...seriously? it's 2022 and we're STILL have'n to deal with this bullshit? THIS IS WHY mid term vote'n really does matter kittens...

thankfully these 12 G.O.Pee'rs voted to pass this absolute nonsensical law and can expect a candied yam in the mail from me sometime never (sorry i just can't waste my hard earned benji's on postage...that's like the price of a HH cocktail...you understand i'm sure) however...i am eternally thankful you voted against yer crusty calloused co-workers...puhleez keep it up!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!