FACTS OF LIFE

you take the good...you take the bad...you take them both and then you

have a damn good reason to be glad this fuck'n year is finally come'n to an unfortunate covid car crash end after the holiblazed season'n we've hadda suffer thru practically this entire 2020...however...where or where shall i begin kittens?

i suppose i might as well start with all the bad shit that's take'n place this

dreaded year...start'n with the sicke'n tactics by 1 MPLS officer and his 3 co-conspirators that sparked off a domino effect of riots thru-out the planet for months that called for police reform and focused on the unjust kill'n of a black man over $20...

from loose'n GINSBURG...to the GAMBLER...to the GRRREATEST BLACK PANTHER on earth...

nothing hit home more fer us evil gen X'ers and galactic geek-a-zoids around the unisver than the untimely pass'n of the originally beloved Dark Lord and his most trust worthy bounty hunter...

unfortunately the party was truly over on xmas day fer this monster

(regardless of yer feel'n towards MICHAEL...he was the face of the 90's NY club kid scene)

entertain'n the masses on their gin soaked asses ain't easy...every queen on the planet did what they could via the internet to keep their fans spirits and virtual tips afloat...however...you've been doin these shitty shows since march laydee’s...if i gotta sit thru another fuck'n online performance by some broke ass queen spend'n 30 minutes say'n "HI" to every desperado enter'n the room after (insert every performer here) spent 25 minutes stare'n at their screen like some meth riddled muskrat try'n to figer if they're live or not to only spend roughly 5 minutes on their actual show...trust me...you have been convicted of assholism!

(they know exactly whoever they are)

the fact that i lost my job...my mind and my dignity (ONCE AGAIN) along with my dreaded 40's...this year can't get over soon enough (to be honest really...it wasn't all that bad flipp'n the BIG 5-0...i did finally wash my hands free of ALL my X habits)

after ALL that...don't even get me started on that barely there $600 worth of pathetic table scraps that congress will barely "give us" in a timely manner that the mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE corrupt lie'n sociopathetik anal warted sack of pustule shit...

couldnt give 2 shits about sign'n off in a timely manner fer the nearly 14 million kittens in limbo or on life support...even with bombs explode'n on his watch durin' these already pandammic pandilema times...all cuz it interfered with his swing game

that $600 is basically just a bad Sally Struthers infomercial with Sarah McLachlan music echo'n forlornly in the background at this point...period!

and on top of that...we must'nt ferget the criminal abuse of hand'n out free passes to known criminals

from the biggest mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE corrupt lie'n sociopathetik sack of criminal pigshit in the history of the presidency!

while xanax was give'n out like trail mix to half the country that decided to shower with their shock collar on high over the election results...

and bank tellers everywhere were popp'n prozac like peppermint patties on high alert everytime a customer came to their window with the current mask policy in place 

BUTT...it wasn't all that bad...

those lucky enough to cling on to their paycheck and work from home got to relax in their fav-o-rit Mrs Roper ensemble that they've been die'n to show off at their next zoom meet'n

i'm one step closer to a new set of wheels and can't wait to go bat shit crazy by over charge'n my AARP card to get my much earned and appreciated 10% off at the many fine diabetic drive-thru dinners thru-out the tri state area

i also decided to study about a part of the planet that i've never knew i was HUNGARY for...until now!

of course there'll be a plethora of recycled crap to get from half of the lobotomized light socket lickers around the country to keep wood stoves around the planet in business til spring

and DOLCE & GABBANA teamed up with the hilarious Mrs Griffin to unveil their latest "must have" accessory from their winter collection (fuck the Birkin) everyone will be scream'n to show off their spank'n new KATHY clutch bag...

at the virtual presidential inauguration!

there ya have it kittens...who's knows what the new year has to offer

besides some damn decency and fuck'n decorum back in the Oval Office...we'll just have to wait and find out...now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

KNOCK'N ON CASPER'S DOOR

with the current political hot potatoe parade heat'n up with just under a week and half to go before we will H-O-P-E-F-U-L-L-Y return to a some

what of a sensible sustainable sub normal life once again that we haven't had the pleasure to bask in thanx mostly due to that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n bloated orange dusted anal warted sack of self-absorbed senile shit fer brains with the cottage cheese whizzed A-double snakes and his fly'n off the handle lobotomized brain dead fucktards who've been lick’n the light sockets alot longer than they should've

all the gloves have come off on both sides...we've lost our democracy...

we've lost our common decency...and quite frankly...we've lost our fuck'n minds these past 4 years!

unfortunately...that isn't the only thing that we've lost...we've also lost

some of our most beloved political and popular entertainment treasures this past year thanx to that party pooper and dancer of the darkside...so here's a list of the top 13 top unlucky but downright influential losses who put on their tapp'n shoes fer the last time

the most hard hit one bein the woman who paved the way fer decency 

and democracy ever since she was elected to the highest court in the land by PRESIDENT CLINTON...quoted as say'n "you can disagree without being disagreeable" RUTH BADER GINSBURG bid us adieu on sept 18th

as the longest last'n lassy on this list who made it to the tender age of 104...starr'n in no less than 50 famous and not so famous flicks...OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND is best known as the southern charmer in the epic master piece of 1939 "GONE WITH THE WIND" where she recieved her 1st best support'n actress nomination...waved her final goodbye on july 26th

as one of the co-found'n brothers of the super group VAN HALEN...EDWARD LODEWIJK VAN HALEN simply known as EDDIE VAN HALEN to the rest of the world was a riff god who most didn't realize was the genius behind the guitar break in MICHAEL JACKSON'S "BEAT IT" left us far too soon on oct 6th

baby boomers lost their bloomers when they heard about one of their saccrinated childhood idols who appeared on the very 1st episode of "THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB" as one of the original mousketeers from 1955-1956...BONNIE LOU KERN lived a fruitful life until she moved on to the other side on sept 28th

nicknamed the inovator...originator...and the arcitect of rock'n'roll...RICHARD WAYNE PENNIMAN christened LITTLE RICHARD in the 50's was the unforgettable force behind such toe tappers like "TUTTI FRUTTI" and "GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY" to name a few from his laundry list of hits...he kicked up his heels fer the last time on may 9th

in every office there's always that one gal in the type'n pool that's a bit of a bitter cocktail connoisseur and no one played the role to perfection better than PEGGY POPE from the hit chick flick comedy  "9 TO 5" in 1980 who muttered those famous tispy words "ATTA GIRL" Peggy passed away on may 27th

born PATRICIA EVA POINTER as one of the trio of sisters in the super group POINTER SISTERS BONNIE POINTER enjoyed a string of sultry slow jams like "FIRE" and "SLOW HAND" to high octane hits like "JUMP (FOR MY LOVE)" and "NEUTRON DANCE" among many many other hits thru-out the 70's and 80's... BONNIE unfortunately had enough and left the group and the galaxy on june 28th

with his military background and chiseled good looks...what girl or girly boy didn't swoon over Princess Diana's boss STEVE TREVOR in the 70's i ask you? verteran actor of both the big and small screens...LYLE WAGGONER was best known fer starr'n opposite LYNDA CARTER in the super delicious super hero series "WONDER WOMAN" from 1975-1979...LYLE left the build'n on st patty's day march 17th

best known fer her roar'n female empowerment anthem "I AM WOMAN" HELEN REDDY was a sweet force to be reckoned with durin' the 1970's with a string of other mellow dramatic melodies like "DELTA DAWN" and "ANGIE BABY" but HELEN sang her last tune on sept 29th

as the youngest celeb on the grim reaper's list...CHADWICK BOSEMAN killed the superhero competition by starr'n in the highest gross'n film of 2018...portray'n the leader T'CHALLA from Wakanda, Africa in "BLACK PANTHER" which would put him on the map as one of the most influential people of 2018...CHADWICK would appear in 2 more AVENGERS movies before he would secretly pass away on aug 28th

as one of the most memorable BOND girls in history...HONOR BLACKMAN portrayed the sexy seductive PUSSY GALORE in the 1964 film "GOLDFINGER" after bein spotted portray'n CATHY GALE in the british series "THE AVENGERS" durin' the 60's...HONOR would also record an album titled "EVERYTHING I'VE GOT" sadly PUSSY GALORE was no more on april 5th

the "COWARD OF THE COUNTY" he was not...with his silvery grey grizzly adams good looks  KENNY ROGERS knew how to turn out a tune with his raspy vocals as one of the best sell'n male country crooners of the 70's and the 80's with hits like the black jack addiction anthem "THE GAMBLER" to the kicked to the curb whiner "LUCILLE" and the perfectly pitched vommitous butterfly duet with DOLLY PARTON "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM" KENNY decided to call it quits on march 20th

as MIRANDA HOBBS totally loveable house keeper MAGDA on the smash hit series "SEX AND THE CITY" who famously uttered "it's good for woman to make pies" in her best thick eastern european accent...LYNN COHEN began her career off broadway in the 1970's and most noteably in film durin' the 90's starr'n in "MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY" and then as judge Elizabeth Mizener in the NBC drama "LAW AND ORDER" from 1993 -2006 but became an instant fan fav-o-rit when she finally landed the coveted role on the SATC series and both movies that followed...LYNN would pass away quietly on valentines day feb 14th

***☠️BREAK’N NEWZ☠️***

the damn decrepit Reaper hadda invite one more dinner guest to his hweenie party...& of ALL fuck’n days...thanx alot asshole...so long 007

we can all only hope that the sadistic GOP will follow suit on nov 3rd

along with their mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n bloated orange dusted anal warted sack of self-absorbed senile shit fer brains with the cottage cheese whizzed A-double snakes...so get out and vote em out!

on a total off the wall plausibly plugged sideways note...since the hweenie

season is virtually cancelled this year...why not give a virtual treat to those tricksters in yer neighborhood this hallowed season with a ticket to the hottest virtual global concert of the year starr'n BOY GEORGE & CULTURE CLUB @ THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL...tix on sale fri oct 30th 10 am GMT (that's greenwich mean time fer those crochet'n their pubes try'na figer it out) click here to get yers

happy trick or treat kittens...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STAMP OF APPROVAL!

well...now that we live in a free fall'n paint by the numbers extermination

nation...where only the strongest of us will apparently be aloud to survive amongst the happy lil trees...i implore you PUHLEEZ...

can someone text CHER... 

call RUTH BADER GINSBURG...

and make a house call from an acceptable social distance of course...with BETTY WHITE...on the hour...every hour...to make sure they're still with us...keep in mind though...they eventually will most likely hire some hot hitman to cap yer ass fer the mere incessant annoyance of it all...

BUTT...just so you know...it'll come from a place i love

i myself am even too afraid to talk to myself anymore fer the simple fact

that i can't handle the way i've been treat'n myself lately...all that dirty back talk and beat'n myself off like a prisoner in solitary confinement...then when i decided to call the suicide hotline just to spice it up a bit...(fer role play'n purposes only of course) plead'n with them that i no longer can handle bein' locked inside of my 2 room shit box...stuff'n every one of my starve'n orifices with endless pans of tuna casseroles smothered in weight gain powder until i look as bloated as a fuck'n Macy's day parade balloon...

well...cuz i wanna be a contestant on a season of MY 600 POUND LIFE fer no other reason than to make my E true hollyweird story seem plausible...unfortunately i would always end up bein' put on hold fer some reason

so i decided to give up that fantasy...fer now...and swap out my last 4

boxes of magically delicious samoas...fer some black market Rice-O-Roni from this random guy i met in the park the other day...who told me to meet him up in some back alley downtown fer the hand off since it's no longer on any shelf in the tri-state area...the code word would be "CHEDDAR" he exclaimed just so he would know it was me...so i apologize in advance...but i simply won't have any time to tell ya any sorta sordid twisted words of wisdom this week kittens

instead...i stumbled across THEE best bitch slap served by everyone's 

fav-o-rit bad boy from the CRUE on a hot FUCK U platter by the one and only TOMMY FUCK ME LEE (well...as long as he bathes and has his rabbi shots...i still remember all those unfortunate Pamela Anderson incidents and those red door clinic visits) so i decided to take the week off...since no one else is work'n (plus...i ain't gett'n paid shit to be yer personal psychologist) so enjoy!

Dear Fucking Lunatic,

At your recent press conference - more a word salad that had a stroke and fell down stairs, you were CLEARLY so out of your depth you needed scuba gear. Within minutes of going off air your minions were backpedaling faster than Cirque De Soliel acrobats...In India a week ago, i couldn’t get past the bit about your being the most popular visitor in the history of fucking india — a country of a BILLION human souls that’s only 3000 years old, give or take.!!! Trust me - Gandhi pulled CROWDS.. You pulled a cricket stadium and half WALKED out...

Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug? That's like the geopolitical equivalent of “that stripper really likes me” — only 10,000 times crazier and less self aware. You are fucking exhausting. Every day is a natural experiment in determining how long 300 million people can resist coring out their own assholes with an ice auger. Every time I hear a snippet of your Queens-tinged banshee larynx farts, I want to scream!

We are fucking tired. As bad as we all thought your presidency would be when Putin got you elected, it’s been inestimably worse.

You called a hostile, nuclear-armed head of state “short and fat.” How the fuck does that help?

You accused a woman — a former friend, no less — of showing up at your resort bleeding from the face and begging to get in. You, you, YOU — the guy who looks like a Christmas haggis inexplicably brought to life by Frosty’s magic hat — yes, you of all people said that.

You attempted — with evident fucking glee — to get 24 million people thrown off their health insurance.

You gave billions away to corporations and the already wealthy while simultaneously telling struggling poor people that you were doing exactly the opposite.

You endorsed a pedophile, praised brutal dictators, and defended LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS!

Ninety-nine percent of everything you say is either false, crazy, incoherent, just plain cruel, or a rancid paella of all four.

Oh, by the way, Puerto Rico is still FUBAR. You got yourself and your family billions in tax breaks for Christmas. What do they get? More paper towels?

Enough, enough, enough, enough! For the love of God and all that is holy, good, and pure, would you please, finally and forever, shut your feculent KFC-hole until you have something valuable — or even marginally civil — to say?

You are a fried dick sandwich with a side of schlongs. If chlamydia and gonorrhea had a son, you’d appoint him HHS secretary. You are a disgraceful, pustulant hot stew full of casuistry, godawful ideas, unintelligible non sequiturs, and malignant rage.

You are the perfect circus orangutan diaper from Plato’s World of Forms.

So fuck you Mr. President. And fuck you forever.

Oh, and Pence, you oleaginous house ferret. Fuck you, too. You'll be as useful as a chocolate teapot against a medical crisis you Bible thumping cock socket."

and there ya have it kittens...so until next time on GET OFF MY DRESS

GET OFF MY DRESS!