relation-ships that pass in the nite

who in the H-E double hockey stix says we need one to feel any worth these days? i wanna know who out there is make'n all us single ladies...
and not-so-gentle laydee's...feel shitty about ourselves all over again?

the agenda isn't beauty or ugliness…that’s…all your idea!

a mutual friend a reason not only that abortion should be legal...

but mandatory in some cases...was whine'n recently about how they were have'n a hard time bein' able to find their (insert vomit bucket here)
"soul mate"

history has proven that they never really work out...for example…

David…a simple israelite in a tunic and berkinstock sandals…aaaaand...

Goliath was about as str8 act’n and appear’n as a gigantic water buffalo

in manolo blahniks with a chip on her shoulders

the size of Donald Trump's ego

unable to confess his true love to David...cuz society deemed it to be...

"unnatural" and "immoral"...so Goliath made fun of David’s peeps...until one day David went all Lorena Bobbitt on his A double snakes...

and chopped of Goliath's head...or so we’re lead to believe 

get this...if you tell someone your “widowed”...

they tell you to either pop a prozac like a normal person or simply…

kill yourself!

but if you tell someone you’re a "divorcee"…

well…that’s just tell’n em there’s a party in yer pants and there ain't no cover charge!

i myself have even dabbled in a relationship from time to time…

fer the right dime...my longest last'n 4.5 years…(the .5 means so much more don't it?) i remember it as if it were yesterday…

he used to affectionately refer to me as his "wonderboy"…

always wonder'n what deliciousness i'd have cooked up for us next

and i would in turn...affectionately refer to him as my...

heart-break'n-two-time'n-cock-suck'n-ass-fuck'n-pig-slut'n-trailer-trash-piece-of-geriatric shit who could run a boat show thru his A-hole...unfortunately...he's dance'n with the devil in the pale moon light these days...so suffice it to say...learn from yer mistakes and hold no grudge

if you truly feel that revenge really is alot better than christmas...

may i suggest a lot less invasive...but alot more persuasive approach...by simply give'n yer hairy bear...a deep full body massage based on swedish techniques (which means absolutely nothing i know)...from head to toe...with botanically infused creams to disguise the harsh chemicals...let them marinate in it beyond the recommended time frame...before dump'n their pathetic ass once you find out they strayed with some slut...it'll make them think twice once they get outta the shower...trust me

or perhaps fill'n out a year's subscription to multiple women's magazines to mess with their masculinity...but make sure to X out the "bill me later" option...so you have enough time to change area codes

go ahead...be creative and committed when end'n yer commitment though...but and try not to pull a Farrah...if you can help it...it doesn't really look good on yer relationship resume

i've done my fair share of the "scary"…the "mary"…and the delusionally

"str8 act'n and appear'n" charitable acts of the week more than i care to count on fer any sorta non committal attachment

i've marched along side the pity parade of pansies…

most of them being either emotionally unavailable…

blatantly socially retarded...

or chemically dependent!

human nature can be so cruel!

i've never really understood this breed of "boys"...whether it be in the bedroom or on a bored walk...trust me kitten...ya ain't fool'n no one…

you might "act" all Colin Farrell on the streets...but yer the 1st ones who've got their legs stapled to the ceil'n when we hit the sheets...before i can even get the front door shut...

so get off yer huffy bike and deal with it mister sister…cuz you know who you are

i’ve cancelled my subscription to those "issue" years ago…

let's leave the "act'n" to the professionals...shall we?

even though i think about of all those who haven't come fer me yet...i still reminisce about all of those who've came before me…after all we've been thru a lot together and cuz i'm much bigger than hold'n onto any grudge

trust me…much BIGGER!

and though i'd like to get banged like a screen door in a tornado…

these days…i’m looking more for someone intelligent enough to chant my name...

while jump’n off a cliff

i'm not suggest'n in the slightest that relationships are bad...but don't start whine'n at the top of yer lungs when things don't go yer way...i'm merely point'n out the fact that you don't need one...to make yerself worthless...

you'll doin a fine job at it on yer own

i believe Miss Bernhard said it best when she said...

"don’t let anyone fuck you over…fuck them over FIRST!...FUCK THEM UP!"

now if you wouldn't mind...time fer me to soak

in some jean nate' after bath body splash...

with cool cumber slices blanket'n my eyes...

so kindly get off my dress!

ARSCHLOCH!

sounds so "je ne sais quoi" when said in french...even though the title 

is in german...but once you figer out the translation...it just means yer an asshole

there's always that one lil kitten that'll pounce on those who are weak

just to prove that they are a total A double snake hole to their friends...it's an annoy'n but all to often an acceptable passage into teenage life...kids just being kids!

BUT there are those that NEVER grow up...and what is a butt...

but an asshole full of shit!

i had fergotten about most of my teenage angst and ridicule that i suffered at the hands of certain peers thru-out high school...like most do once they

leave the shell of their former self...that is until one particular incident reminded me some people never grow up...

and it made me hop on my huffy bike and remember how cruel a certain portion of the prepubescent pimple charade parade can really be to their generational flock

after a much deserved nervous breakdown durin' my religious education in 10th grade...i got my pink slip to finally attend public education...after being forced to attended J-man high school fer the past 3 years of my life

(FYI...the prepubescent pimple population AIN'T any better in the J-man schools)

by my 3rd month at public education...most of my friends that i had acquired pre-high school...were no longer interested nor remembered who i was...and i couldn't blame them...I WAS NO LONGER the "Kermie"...

"mohican" or any of the other countless nicknames i was christened with durin' grade school (i will have to say to their credit...as far as nicknames went...i pretty much went unscathed...unlike alot of the easier targets)

but 3 years and puberty later...we ALL changed...physically...mentally...

and socially...why not!...i no longer sported the Richie Cunningham cut...sitt'n at the lunch table across from my 2 friends from my previous life

it's was the 80's after all...and i'd built a shield of ownership and absolute

 independence...thanx in part to the wondrous worlds of my 2 hero's...Mr. O'Dowd & Miss Ciccone...whenever i was down i would lock myself in my room for hours...turn'n my boombox to ear pierce'n high (or maybe that was my voice) torture'n brainwash'n my household as i auditioned on my own stage 

with the help of sister's strawberry shortcake mirror and hairbrush that i repossessed fer her make'n a mess of our sleep'n quarters

i had tossed away my depression pants and suppression blouse i had worn for 3 years in J-man school...and was now a tick'n time bomb that

 finally exploded all over everyone around me since i was no longer shackled to the bible stories comic book of casually convenient oppressiveness's or under any religious fashion police regime...and became the singer of the very sound of my hometown along with my psychotically artistic genius and friend Dr. Bob...fer one memorable nite only...in the ASTRO PUSSYCATS

a force field of aqua net held up my crown of spikes atop of my head...

and i thought nothing or no one could huff or puff or blow my balance down...that is...until 7:45 am one morn'n

BUTT....move'n on

Wendy and Shelly (not to be confused with Wendy and Lisa from Prince)

incidentally...i met a Lisa D who was my 1st newly acquired friend that day (now where was i) oh yea...so their eyes popped outta their heads

like some Ren & Stimpy cartoon...after what they had just witnessed in front of them

feel'n a slight breeze pass the top of me...i noticed someone runn'n away like some alter boy from a confessional...confused...i had asked them both

"what just happened?" runn'n my hand across the back of my head...i felt one of the spikes in my crown was no longer around and there was no dr. suess rhyme that could possibly calm me down

the blood rushed to my head like i was about to rip outta my clothes...

 any second so i immediately had to make a decision...since i spent a good hour prior to school perfect'n my image to be seen (as those in the pimple parade usually do)

do i go ape shit and Columbine the entire pimple parade in my sight?

or do i have a nuclear meltdown and spontaneously combust?

since i didn't pack my sawed off shot-gun (well Bambie cured me of that)

and i knew physically...i could be snapped like a pea pod...so i darted fer the nearest exit before the 1st tear would ever hit the lunch room floor

by the time i made it home...i didn't care what anyone thought anymore and the flood gates opened...i could barely form a sentence relive'n the horror to Miss Crawford...who wondered why i was home from school so early...but i wasn't expect'n the response that i was given by my parental

adviser..."if ya wanna look like an ass...ya get what you deserve!"

(and unfortunately...that is a direct quote seared into my memory banks)

so i hopped on my sparkly huffy bike to my best friend's palatial palace...

in the house'n projects and luckily his ma Sis...in her daisy dukes...puff'n away on her marlboro lites...gave me a completely different slice of advice cake to eat...

"you sue that mother fucker and tell the judge you were grow'n yer hair to be in a rock band!" (and YES ...even though it's been over 30 years...i kept that quote in my memory banks)

WOW!...that was the straw the broke this non heterosexual's timid shell

i had my Judge Judy moment 3 months later...

and acquired a new crop of cool friends along the way

it was THEE event of the decade that year...the punk versus the prep

or at the very least...in my pre unintentionally internationally unknown universe's head...it had never been done before...nonetheless i was not gonna back down...i had my fair share of threats thrown my way from the treacherous ticks try'na talk me outta it...i had heard years later...a portion of the school had placed 2 to 10 odds that i was even gonna win...

fuck me gently with a chainsaw...i had zero desire to let anyone pull off my scrunchy again...i was gonna let all know who i was!

and even though i had only won $37 outta the $2500 i was ask'n for...

(hey i was 16...i was goin for the big bucks anyway i could) i wanted outta dodge A.S.A.P. and start my own destination...written by my own rules...far away from the backwater mentality of some small cow-town crap

i've since become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe in my own dimly lit spotlight (as you very well know by now) and no one's rays can harm me anymore...so don't waste yer breath...just GET OFF MY DRESS!