DONKEY PUNCH

picture it kittens...it was 2015 the year of the goat if you follow that voodoo

Rey and Ren were slice'n up the theaters with the latest in Lucas's sci-fi soap opera...

homo's and hetero's shared in the misery of matrimony together fer the 1st time in history in all 50 states...

and we said good bye to everyone's fav-o-rit Klingon

BUTT that ain't all...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell pencils to a class of blind kids and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was a year before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs at a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav Burt Bacharach record

that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...

a small but definitely distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn’t too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the decade and 3rd times is usually a charm right? HA! does NO go with WAY?

he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...however there would be no 

afternoon delight fer me this particular afternoon and fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had bequeathed me 3!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational position fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always ask'n me fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle either...however that's a whole other episode 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

street value

sorry i'm a day late kittens...but with it bein' MLK day and all yesterday

and me back to work'n at some downtown financial institution...i luckily had the day off...but unfortunately so did the library...and now that the holiday is over...it's time to get back to life as usual...iron'n out my troubled trysts and write'n thank you letters to all my over-rated STD's

i hadda mischievous thought though...what if MLK never had run into  

that bullet and gotten shot? i wouldn'ta had the day off!...oh and don'tcha gimme ANY of yer lame attempt at egregious grief about that one...it was an absolute tasteless JOKE (and not beneath me to write it...i am black irish after all...therefore i can say it) plus you ALL know...if Eddie Murphy would'a said it...you ALL would'a been piss'n in yer culottes and ripp'n him off at the water cooler convention the next morn'n at work just to be the first one to say it!

trust me...like my smartass phone that decides to pull a jihad on me about every 3 hrs...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that another time...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered i've passed GO

 so many times without collect'n my $200...that i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time that i got exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...so there i was...starve'n fer a marvin one even'n...(hey...it had been a whole 5 days)...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments just fer a desperate return visit...besides...i'd never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick the perfect prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...

how it all began?...from how it used to be...to how it is today?...how does one really set their base pay?

let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a long lonely trip down male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...

 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubines caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy

it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 

TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...

 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country kabuki theater

was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...

even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...

were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no

the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of the lil purple 

 paisley man & his Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF

stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up from all the lonely antibiotic parties popp'n up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...

i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...

and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...

and thought to myself...i thought...SELF...what am i doin?...i may be one more year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a damn catch...i still have plenty of free fuckable years on my roster...with the cost of live'n completely sky rocket'n year after year...kindly just leave a quarter on the counter fer services rendered...thank-you...

now with that in mind...time to spritz on my fav-o-rit and most effective eau de toilette to date...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!